Saturday, March 19, 2005

Muggings

According the YDN website's poll, most Yale students feel unsafe in New Haven. This is ridiculous- crime is extremely low on Yale's campus, and that is just a fact- I guess to these students since the Have isn't lily white Greenwich it must be a fucking war zone. The real issue here is, WHY ISN'T THERE MORE CRIME ON YALE'S CAMPUS? There are hundreds of thousands of dollars in wimpy Yale students' pockets. Is it fear of the police? If it is, then these prospective muggers are badly mistaken. Because here is how a mugging of me would go down:
Mugger (black, holding a gun): Gimme your money
Me: Alright, Jesus Christ. Here you go (handing him $100 in my wallet)
Mugger: That's not enough, we goin' to the ATM
Me: Fuck, um OK- we'll go to the one near the bookstore, the fee is lower there.
(I take out all the money from my debit account, $400, and give it to him)
Me: That's all I have, man.
Mugger: I saw your wallet, you've got another credit card.
Me: Well, that's for my trust fund. I've kind of spent alot of it, between poker losses to Ariel and purchasing high quality food and alcohol. So my parents told me to cool it with the spending and keep a "nest egg" for after graduation.
Mugger: Fuck nest egg. Tap that shit.
(I take out the maximum $400 from that ATM)
Me: That's all I can take out from one ATM, man.
Mugger: Then we're gonna go to some more ATMs. Maybe the one in Gourmet Heaven- come to think of it I want a chicken cutlet with bacon. And maybe some brie, yeah I like that shit- real creamy.
Me: Come on, isn't this enough already?
(mugger points gun)
Me: Alright, just don't shoot me.
(We proceed to go to several ATMs until my entire account is empty)
Me: So I guess this transaction's over then.
Mugger: Yeah. But if you tell anyone about this I'll fucking kill you- Peace.

At this point, I have two options. The most likely option is i'm scared shitless and don't tell the police or any authority figure because i don't wanna be a snitch- I know what happens to snitches, I've seen the Carmelo Anthony video from Baltimore. BUT in the unlikely event that I muster the courage to tell the police, the cop asks me, "did you see what he looked like?" I reply, "Uh, he was black. About 6 feet tall. Wearing baggy jeans." Now I've narrowed the list of suspects to only 100,000.

P.S. I sincerely hope no prospective muggers are reading this blog. I know from the readership statistics that I get a fair number of hits from among the criminal elements.

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