Wednesday, March 23, 2005

Slain students

Why is it that every young person who gets killed is a straight-A student who also does community service and is a stellar athlete. See this article for a recent example. Just once, I'd like to read an article that reads like this:
Stuart Caplan, a junior at Yale University, was fatally shot yesterday on Chapel Street by an unknown assailant. Caplan had a pedestrian 2.4 GPA and was by all accounts extremely lazy. He was not a member of any sports team or student organization, but sources tell us he enjoyed smoking marijuana, masturbating, and playing knock hockey against phantom opponents. Caplan had very few friends at Yale, but had a somewhat cordial relationship with Bulldog Burrito owner Jason Congdon. When asked about Caplan, Congdon remarked, "Stuart- was that his name? Yeah he always got a shredded chicken quesadilla with extra guac. I really mourn the loss of that $5.95 every day... and of a peripheral acquaintance of course." A candelight vigil would have been held last night for Caplan, but no students showed up, citing other commitments such as instant messaging, doing laundry, and reading Dilbert comics from 1997. In a statement on Yale's website, Yale President Richard Levin wrote, "Sometimes there's a beacon of light that brightens the Yale community with its warmth, intelligence and compassion. And when that beacon of light is senselessly extinguished, we are all diminished a little bit. And that is why it is with a heavy heart I tell you that Lampy the lamppost on Hillhouse avenue, was destroyed by vandals last night. Oh, also some kid named Stuart Caplan died."

2 comments:

Anonymous said...

i believe that it is "nok hockey" although i am not sure...

Nostradamus said...

This was a miraculous post. Sifting through the DD Archives tonight, I stumbled upon it... Marvelous work, which continues to this very day.