Friday, May 13, 2005

Blog on the Run: Casino

We're here in sunny New Orleans! Al and I are spoken for, but Tom is on the prowl for females. Much of the night was spent in loud bars, with people straining to hear anything, so Tom's pickup line was, "EXCUSE ME--- ARE YOU HERE FOR THE BLOGGING CONVENTION?"

After mixed results, we moved over to Harrah's Casino. When Al sucked out on a kid, the kid walked away, then walked past the table again to say, "Nice hand, you fucking kike." We laughed heartily, but the Jewish man sitting next to us insisted that the kid didn't say "kike," because if he did, he "would have done something about it." Then the following occurred:

Jewish Man: Here in the South, we're Jew-billies. What does a Jew-billy father do with his son on the weekend? Go gefilte-fishing.
Me, Tom, Al: Good one, man.
(instantly) Jewish Man: What does a Jew-billy have on his front lawn? A Lexus on cement blocks.
Me, Tom, Al: Nice.
Jewish Man: What porno does a Jew-billy watch? Schindler's Fist.
Tom: Well, that's not really related to him being from the South, but well done anyway.
Jewish Man (not responding to Tom's point): What's a Jew-billy's favorite...

This went on for easily 15 minutes. I imagine him sitting at the table 24 hours a day, waiting for the perfect moment to bust out his repertoire of Jew-billy jokes. We joined in on the one liner fun, but even when the jokes changed subject, we felt the need to keep him interested in the conversation, so jokes like this would be told:

Al: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Kick the bitch
(beat)
Tom: And she's Jewish.

At one point the following went down:

Jewish Man: What's the difference between a Jewish woman and a vulture?
Tom (taking a stab at it by guessing the punchline to another jewish joke he had once heard): A vulture lets go?

This was actually the incorrect answer to the Jewish man's query (he was looking for "a vulture waits till you're dead to eat your heart out") but it sparked a discussion on how "____ lets go" could finish any jewish joke. We were joking obviously, but the jewish man was serious and impressed with our ability to come up with so many hilarious jokes without memorizing them hours in advance. One sample joke:

Dan: Why do Jewish people watch pornos in reverse?
(Beat)
Dan: They don't let go!

This particular joke amazed the Jewish man to no end: "It takes talent to come up with a joke with just the punchline!" The interesting thing about this, of course, was that even though my joke obviously made no sense in and of itself, the guy seemed to be unaware of this and presumably saw some connection between not letting go and watching porno in reverse. As a result, the joke between us became that this fucking kike was also a fucking idiot.

The Jewish man moved the main game, but soon enough a group of boisterous, tattooed, long-haired guys sat down at the table. Slightly tired, I inexplicably decided to try to bust the chops of the coolest man I've ever seen.

Dan (to Swingers-era Vince Vaughn): So, are you guys in a rock band, or.....?
Coolest Man in the world (instantly, without looking up): (to Tom, Al, me) What, are you guys in a frat? (to me, in a polo shirt) Why don't you unbutton that top button, loosen up, stay awhile.

I later learned that his name was Jack and he owned a bar. Sounds about right. I have never felt lamer in my life.

3 comments:

Anonymous said...

Tom: And she's Jewish.

Anonymous said...

best post yet. but i'm not sure how much credit you get - it's just that something legitimately funny finally happened in your life.

Jerry Silverman said...

Stop trying to channel your self-hating bullshit into "edgy" humor. a jew who calls another jew a "kike" is nothing but a cunt. Leave that appropriating shit to niggers and fags.