Wednesday, June 15, 2005

Missing Teen Case Solved

Some of you may not know this, but in my younger days, I used to be a detective for the LAPD- a damn good one. Using the detective skills I picked up during the "Four Clubs beat a King" era, I think I've solved the case of the missing teen in Aruba, Natalee Holloway. Here is a clue I gleaned from Fox News:

"police arrived, and found a pair of torn pink-and-white polka dot panties and three condoms, two of them used. They also found some duct tape wrapped around a tree."

Well this seems pretty open and shut. This girl got drunk, tore off her panties in preparation for intercourse with Kingspawn, but Kingspawn, finding her body not to his liking, instead jerked off into two condoms while thinking about Maxim babe Whitney Seibel. Then when Natalee started crying, he duct taped her mouth to shut her up. After she calmed down, he took the tape off and placed it on the tree, and politely told her that she would have to lose some weight before he would have sex with her, and gave her the extra condom in the case that a guy with lower standards than himself came along. Kingspawn went on his merry way, leaving Natalee unharmed (except emotionally), when Nostradamus came along.
Nostradamnus sedated Natalee and shipped her on a Chinese cargo steamer to New Haven, where he locked her up in his un-air conditioned apartment and is forcing her to write blog posts under the name "Arlo Harshenstein," while feeding her nothing but fish cake from Ivy Noodle. The people from Ivy Noodle should by now know that some sort of torture situation is occurring, as no one would order fish cake of their own accord- but then again, these are the types of sadistic fucks who try to get a man to use the urinal while another man is making a BM on the toilet in the same bathroom. And there you have it, folks.

For the record though, the prominent coverage of this Natalee Holloway story is part of the Mainstream Media's plan to divert the public from important issues like the Energy Bill being debated in Congress. And when was the last time the MSM focused on the case of a missing black or latino girl? In conclusion, fuck the MSM- you can get all you need to know from the Yale Blogosphere.

2 comments:

Nostradamus said...

How did you know my apartment has no air-conditioning?

Anonymous said...

So just wondering how Whitney Seibel was the lucky one chosen as your object of, um, affection?