Thursday, July 05, 2007

The Audacity of Giving Up

Fed up with all nonsense coming out of Washington, DC today, Delino contributor Tom is about to release a powerhouse new book that will change the nation's capital forever! Here is a sneak preview of The Audacity of Giving Up, with photo from the inside flap:

Folks, we've got a problem on our hands in Washington, DC today. And that problem is partisanship. Each side is hunkered down in its own camp, unwilling to listen to each other, or, more importantly, to those in the vital center.

On the left we have those who, under the guise of protecting "American jobs," would restrict free trade, thus shrinking the pie for both American workers and those in developing countries who rely on the world economy to lift them out of poverty. And on the right, we have those who, under the guise of protecting "American values," would force impoverished teenage girls to have babies they cannot afford to keep and would prevent two loving partners who happen to be of the same gender from having their relationship recognized by law.

Well, my fellow Americans, I've toured this great land, from the Rocky Mountains out West to the great plains of Iowa all the way to the Adirondacks. And in talking to the public at large, I've reached an astonishingly simple conclusion that can guide us as a nation as we confront the great problems of the 21st century... WHO GIVES A FUCK ABOUT ANY OF THIS SHIT?

That's right- most of the people in this country are fucking morons. They in turn elect fucking morons to Congress and a fucking moron President. With all these fucking morons running around in positions of power, PLUS all the rent-seeking and narrow special interest pursuits (as predicted by Public Choice Theory), how can you ever expect to change the status quo? You can go on about a carbon tax or scaling back antitrust laws or any other fucking obvious idea until you're blue in the face, but there'll always be Senator Fuckface (R-UT) or Commie ACLU Bitch to stop you. Face it- political change is impossible. Attempting that shit is just exhausting. So why bother even trying? My advice- don't try, JUST GIVE UP. Take up some other pursuit that is, I don't know, fun. Learn to play squash, read
Bitker and Eustice's delightful tax law romp, write a restaurant review blog, who knows... the possibilities are endless!

I'd like to close with a little story. A while back, in my younger days, I was down in Yorktown, Virginia. Some call it the "birthplace of liberty"; it's where British General Cornwallis surrendered to George Washington after a lengthy battle in 1781, effectively ending the Revolutionary War and marking the true beginning of America. It was there that the United States of America were forged from a mixture of blood, sweat and tears. Well anyway, I was at a diner there in Yorktown. And from all the signs up everywhere, I reckoned it was election season. So I sat right down at the counter and a pretty young girl, couldn't have been more than 17, asked me what I'd like. I told her I wanted apple pie, and she wrote it down, and she said "Apple pie's my favorite too." And we got to talking, and it turned out she was heavily involved with local Democratic politics.

"Congressman Stewart," she said, "well he's a Republican. And he voted to cut funding for after-school programs 'round here. And I tell ya I know first-hand that some of my friends, with the economy going south like it has, they used to sell drugs and steal cars, but then they started taking music classes after school. And boy, now one pal of mine is tryin' out for the all-state Flute competition, and another guy..." As she went on describing the need for after-school funding in rural areas, the only thought that came in my mind was, "Could I get a side order of your pussy to go with that pie?"

She continued, "and my friend Margine, she was raped by her daddy, and she had to drive all the way to North Carolina to get an abortion because Congressman Stewart pulled funding for the abortion clinic in town." Upon witnessing this pitiable spectacle I thought, "Your friend? Daddy likes... how about i eat one of you out while I finger-fuck the other one."

Finally, sensing she had to get back to her job, the young girl proclaimed, "I'm sorry, I know the Good Book tells me to turn the other cheek and to forgive sinners, but sometimes I just think Republicans are downright evil!" She slowly wiped away a tear from her soft white cheek, and at that moment I had a revelation... I should go to the bathroom and rub one out. And I did. You see how you can actually accomplish things when you focus on smaller, more personal goals?

Well, folks, thanks for the reading the book and may God Bless the United States of America!


Rich said...

i'm gonna give up too! (and maybe write a restaurant review blog)

Anonymous said...


PS: There is a super gay hairstylist here in Georgetown across the street from my apartment who displays pictures of his clients on his front window.

Guess who is on there, despite his pledge not to get any more expensive hair cuts?

You guessed it.

Mr. John "I'd finger fuck the poverty out of that waitress" Edwards

Matt said...

For more Tom analysis, read this article about watching porn on planes.


A quote:

"The ticket you purchase gives you seat space on a flight in the cabin area for which you paid. If the passenger meets the criteria established during the financial exchange for that ticket and the flight departs, they have the right to go on that flight. The entire time on board the aircraft they must comply with the federal regulations governing passengers and crew on air carrier aircraft. The porn viewer does not appear to have been breaking any of those regulations."

Nathan Kitada's Cat said...

Amazing post.

Beneficent Allah said...

I'd finger fuck the man who posted this

Anonymous said...

To Dan:

In many ways, the work of a blogger is easy. We risk very little yet enjoy a position over those who offer up their work and their selves to our judgment. We thrive on negative comments, which are fun to write and to read. But the bitter truth we bloggers must face is that, in the grand scheme of things, the average piece of junk is more meaningful than our post designating it so. But there are times when a blogger truly risks something, and that is in the discovery and defense of the new. Last night, I experienced something new, an extraordinary post from a singularly unexpected source. To say that both the entry and its maker have challenged my preconceptions is a gross understatement. They have rocked me to my core. In the past, I have made no secret of my disdain for Tom Lehman's famous motto: Anyone can blog. But I realize that only now do I truly understand what he meant. Not everyone can become a great blogger, but a great blogger can come from anywhere. It is difficult to imagine more humble origins than those of the genius now writing at Delino Deshields, who is, in this critic's opinion, nothing less than the finest blogger in America. I will be returning to Deshields soon, hungry for more.

The ACTUAL God said...