10. Ismail Al-Harbi
Al-Qaeda Munitions Specialist
Intelligence sources indicate that numerous members of al-Qaeda have been sitting alone at a two-person table in the al-Qaeda cafeteria, deeply contemplating the Koran they are reading, when Al-Harbi has sat down across from them with his overflowing tray of food. Al-Harbi is then believed to ask, “Hey what chapter are you reading?” When the other al-Qaeda member reluctantly tells al-Harbi the Koran chapter he's reading, al-Harbi is suspected of replying, “Cool, Cool. One of my faves.” A brief silence is believed to follow, until al-Harbi blurts out, “So what're you eating?”
9. Sadiq Salehi
Chef for Anwar Al-Awlaki
Salehi is painfully shy around women, but if a woman so much as seems to be looking in his general direction on the bus, he is known to post a Missed Connection on Craigslist Sanaa seeking her out and proclaiming, “We had a moment!”
8. Yusef Farooq
Al-Qaeda Counterfeit Identification Specialist
Intelligence sources have confirmed that Farooq has been threatening to build “a better social networking site than Facebook” for more than five years. Farooq has been witnessed at numerous social gatherings declaring, “My site will only have people in your real social circle.” It is believed that Farooq does not know any programming languages and has not taken a single step toward creating the new site, but that his excitement about the project remains unwavering.
7. Hussein Zubairi
Driver for Ayman Al-Zawahiri
Zubairi is known to have severe halitosis, but intelligence sources indicate he is “a very fragile guy,” so it is believed that no one in the al-Qaeda organization has the heart to tell him. Instead, Zubairi is studiously avoided, especially in the morning.
6. Ahmed Jafari
Hezbollah Explosives Expert
Jafari lives in the back of his mother's small shack in the hills of Jalalabad. He is believed to be sulking in his room. Whenever his mother's new boyfriend, who intelligence sources indicate is “a good guy,” suggests to Jafari that he “should get some fresh air,” Jafari is suspected of screaming “You're not my real Dad!” and slamming the door in his face.
5. Ali Marwan
Palestinian Islamic Jihad Webmaster
Marwan is known to ask fellow members of Palestinian Islamic Jihad interminable hypothetical questions. “If you had to die, would you rather be buried alive... or drown?” is believed to be followed by, “If you were the last three humans on Earth, would you rather sleep with your mother... or your sister?” At this point, the other members are believed to tell Marwan to “shut the f*** up.” But after a brief pause, Marwan is suspected of exclaiming, “OK, OK – last one, I promise. Same setup as before but it's your mother when she was your sister's age!”
4. Muhammed Khan
Al-Qaeda Information Technology Specialist
Khan is known to insist that the Game of Thrones books are “a million times better” than the television show, and to disdain anyone who's only watched the show. It is believed that he also frequently exasperatedly explains, “The series is called A Song of Ice and Fire - Game of Thrones is just the first book!”
3. Ramzi Khalid
Hamas Intelligence Officer
Intelligence sources have confirmed that Khalid owns a pet iguana named Ibn Khaldun. When fellow Hamas members visit Khalid's apartment, intelligence indicates that Khalid takes the iguana out of its tank and tells it, “Ibn, say hi to my friend.” Then it is believed that the other Hamas member politely says, “Dude could you just keep the iguana in the tank.” At which point the iguana tries to bite the Hamas member or whips its tail at him vigorously, causing him to exclaim, “Dude, seriously, put this f***ing thing away or I'm leaving.” Khalid is suspected of replying, “Alright, alright. Yeesh,” and then putting the iguana back in its tank and whispering to it, “It's OK Ibn, he just doesn't get you.”
2. Yasser Ibrahim
Muslim Brotherhood Courier
Ibrahim fronts a band called Koran Koran, which plays Duran Duran tunes with Islam-themed lyrics. Ibrahim is known to send Koran Koran Facebook messages to all his distant acquaintances, and then guilt trip them at parties if they didn't attend his most recent show.
1. Hamid Al-Sayyab
Al-Qaeda in Iraq Communications Officer
Al-Sayyab is known to have moderate skin irritation problems. He is believed to frequently corner fellow al-Qaeda in Iraq members at parties and explain, “It's actually not eczema, though it's in the eczema family of conditions. Of course my rash is so rare I have to use the topical cream prescribed for eczema, so it's not that effective, but they're working on a...” at which point the other al-Qaeda in Iraq members are believed to conveniently find they have to use the restroom or get another glass of water.