Old Guy Married to Bossy, Fat Old Woman Named Irene: Hurricane Irene - I guess the East Coast'll get a dose of what I deal with every day
Irene (in the other room): WHAT'D YOU SAY?!
Old Husband: NOTHING, DEAR!!
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Monday, August 22, 2011
So Rich, Todd and I were walking toward Rockaway Beach on Saturday. I spotted a condo building facing the water that was holding an open house, and managed to convince them to come with me - "see a beautiful apartment we can aspire to, it'll be chill" was how I sold it. But as you'll see, our experience was anything but chill...
We entered the building. A chipper young white guy gave me a folder and a form and asked me to fill in my information. A minute later, I handed the filled-in form back to him, assuming he'd now lead us upstairs. But instead I heard a voice cry out from the elevator bank. "I'll be taking you on the tour," it proclaimed.
I turned around and found myself staring at the rather voluminous silhouette of a Real Estate Broker. "Right this way, gentlemen," the Broker beckoned. The Broker, still shrouded in darkness, stuck out a brown hand and shook mine with the firmness you imagine Rick Perry shakes voters' hands with. "Strong handshake - I like that in a man," I thought. In the elevator, I admired the Broker's red polo shirt - a nice hue, one I had been looking for myself. When I looked closer at the polo, I noticed that the Broker had small breasts. "Man-Boobs. Poor guy," I said to myself.
Then the elevator opened and the Broker led us out. And right in front of me was what some in the African-American community refer to as a badonkadonk. "That ass - that's a woman's ass! Wait a second - were those Man-Boobs actually Regular Boobs?!" I asked a banal question about square footage just to hear more of the Broker's speech. "The D-Line units like this one are 1,147 square feet," the Broker replied. Damn it! The pitch of the voice was either low for a woman or high for a man!
As the Broker rattled off answers to questions I didn't care to know the answer to in the first place, I searched for any clues I could find. "The washer-dryer is in the unit" - let's see, the haircut is short and gelled - is that Dyke-y or Dorky?! "Roof access is ava
ilable until midnight" - what about those glasses - damn it, Unisex frames! "We allow subletters but right now we're 100% owner-occupied," - come on, shoes have got to give something away - nope, asexual cross-trainers.
It was hot and Rich and Todd were getting antsy when we got back in the elevator and the Broker asked me if I wanted to see another unit. "No," I replied, "but why don't I take a business card so I can call you to follow up." "My business card's stapled to the folder you got on the way in." "Great, thanks so much!" I exclaimed as we got to the lobby. I ran out into the fresh air, ripped the card off the folder and took a long, hard look. This is what I saw:
That's right - I was in a full-on It's Pat! situation. The last name, which in many cultures gives away gender, was no help either. In fact, I'm not sure what nationality the Broker was - I was convinced Indian at first but now who knows - Mexican? Pakistani?
This person is a total enigma, and it's eating me alive. All I do now is type "Alex Torryn" in Google and stare over and over at the results for some crumb of a hint. Here is some of Alex's internet presence:
Real Estate Agent Listing [the picture: ]
Condo.com profile [ the picture: ]
Rockaway Real Estate Agents listing - 75% of agents have pics 
Youtube listing [no face, no voice]
SOMEONE HELP ME!!!
ALEX TORRYN ALEX TORRYN ALEX TORRYN MAN WOMAN MAN WOMAN ALEX TORRYN ALEX TORRYN GENDER CONFUSION ALEX TORRYN HERMAPHRODITE? ALEX TORRYN ALEX TORRYN ALEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX....
Monday, August 15, 2011
Me: Your service is really spotty, I'm gonna leave you
AT&T: No you won't
Me: That's not true, I will. When my contract is up, it's Sayonara AT&T, Hello Verizon
AT&T: Yeah right, you limp-dick faggot. You don't have the guts
Me: I... yes I do
AT&T: No you don't. Now wait till the iPhone 5 comes out and we'll re-up your contract and sell you a 16GB unit for $399
Me: Well... maybe I'll get the 32GB version
AT&T: No you won't, you broke bitch
Me (whimpering): Yes, Daddy
Monday, August 08, 2011
[Persian BankerBro has smoked a ton of weed, maybe had brownies - is high as fuck. Chatting up two college girls]
Persian BankerBro: Ladies, I am seeing the trooooth! This is so dope - it's like I can just see shit, like the Matrix. Feeling sooo chill right now
College Girl: So what did you major in in college?
Persian BankerBro: What? That shit doesn't MATTER - just embrace all the beauty around you.
[Persian BankerBro checks his iPhone. Sees that S&P has downgraded U.S. Debt]
Persian BankerBro: DOOOOD! THIS IS SO FUCKED! My MorganStanley job offer is on the line here! My internship's over in 2 weeks!
College Girl: I'm not a big econ person. I'm more into fashion, I actually am working at Redbook for the--
Persian BankerBro: This shit hasn't happened in 70 years! This is real bad dude! So bad!
Me: Calm down man, I'm sure it's not--
Persian BankerBro: No Doood you don't understand. I was gonna get a Lexus with my signing bonus! Ohh this is the worst trip ever!
College Girl: You seem like a smart guy, you'll be fi--
Persian BankerBro: Just, everyone leave - leave me alone.
[Persian BankerBro sulks/vortexes on his iPhone for the next 30 minutes, I leave]
[Taxi picks me up on Upper East Side]
Muslim Taxi Driver: Where you going my friend?
Me: North 4th and Kent Ave in Williamsburg
Muslim Taxi Driver: Oooohh I don't know, my friend.
Me: Don't want to go to Brooklyn? That's OK I'll just get another cab.
[I reach to open the door]
Muslim Taxi Driver: Wait - it's not that! I want to go to Brooklyn. I want money. I love money. But I also love to pray! And I was on my way to the mosque on 96th Street right now.
Me: It's OK - really, go pray.
[I reach to open the door again]
Muslim Taxi Driver: No wait! What is it going to be? I love money soooo much! But I love to pray soooo much.
[Silence for 10 seconds]
Me: So, uh...
Muslim Taxi Driver: Money - so important. Need money to live a good life. BUT, BUT prayer so important as well. Need prayer to live a good life.
[Silence for another 10 seconds]
Me: Look, just tell--
Muslim Taxi Driver: Is there a mosque in Willamsburg?
Me: I don't, uh, probably
Muslim: Ehh, no, no - I know this mosque. It's a good mosque. I'm sorry my friend, I must pray.
[I exit cab, and get into a different cab, who proceeds to drive in the Kent Avenue bike lane, sending frightened bikers screaming in every direction]