Saturday, March 17, 2012

King Leer









[Waikiki Beach]

Sunbathing Girl Lying on Her Stomach with Her Top Off's Inner Monologue: Look at this creep trying to check me out. He thinks because he has sunglasses on I can't see what he's up to? It serves this slimeball right that I'm on my stomach so he can't see anything exciting

My Inner Monologue: (slow clap) Hats off to you. Wonderful effort. You turned over onto your stomach, you have your head down instead of arching your back up - you've done everything you're supposed to to shield yourself from my leering eyes. But there's just one little thing you forgot. And that, my dear, is SIDEBOOB

Sunbathing Girl Lying on Her Stomach with Her Top Off's Inner Monologue: Jesus what is this guy staring at the sliver of skin peeking out of the side of my chest? Is that how desperate he is? Gross

[Sunbathing Girl wraps her towel closer around her chest, though a tiny bit of Sideboob is still peeking out]

My Inner Monologue: Touché. You may have won this battle, but I'll win this war. And it's not only me - I've got an army millions strong of leerers. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers (and some lesbian sisters) are on patrol from these sands of Oahu to the beaches of Brazil, from the coast of Cannes to the margins of Malibu. For I ask you this - if a Sideboob sits on the beach and no one's there to see it, is it really a Sideboob?

Sunbathing Girl Lying on Her Stomach with Her Top Off's Inner Monologue: Oh. My. God. He is still standing there. I'm gonna get my Dad over here

[Sunbathing Girl waves over her Dad, a ripped Alpha All-American type in board shorts]

My Inner Monologue: Fuck - is that her father? Oh shit I gotta get out of here.
[I turn in the other direction]

Me: Rich! There you are! You gotta tell me when you move our stuff!

And then I ran away in fear...

But not without having made a deposit. Not at Citibank, or Chase, or even Bank of America. No in these frightful days of Bear Stearns blowups and Morgan Stanley meltdowns, I made that deposit at the only institution a man can trust anymore - the Sideboob Memory Bank

Friday, March 16, 2012

Beta Guy In The Emergency Room Waiting Area With His Dad Who's Having Chest Pains

Beta Guy's Dad (clutching chest): Ahhhh! It hurts real bad! Tell 'em I need to see a doc pronto!

Beta Guy: Of course, Dad - I'm gonna get you to the top of the list don't you worry.

[Beta Guy approaches Jorge, the tattooed nurse at the ER front desk. Jorge is on his cell phone. Beta Guy tries to make eye contact with Jorge but fails]

Jorge (into phone): Girl ah told joo that was not perfume you smelled on mah shirt... no ah never said it was cologne. It's a unisex fragrance by Calvin Klein--

Beta Guy (raises his hand with one finger extended): Uh, sorry excuse me

Jorge (into phone): -- called CK Be... because ah wanted to try something different

Beta Guy: Uh, hi my Dad--

Jorge: I'll be with you in a minute OK mang

[Bearded Guy approaches the front desk]

Jorge (into phone): The receipt for the CK Be?

Bearded Guy: HEY! HEY! LISTEN TO ME!

Jorge (into phone): I - I didn't keep it baby - I'm trying to go paperless--

[Bearded Guy grabs Jorge's cell phone and hits "End Call"]

Bearded Guy (screaming): Chat time's over, mi amigo! Alright because while you're havin' a grand ol' time with your lil' hoochie mama my son over there's arm is swelling to the size of a goddamned Christmas ham from the bee sting he got! So unless you want me to send so many INS agents to your house it'll make the Elian Gonzalez raid look like a fuckin' cozy dinner party, you're gonna let my boy see a doctor right now!

Jorge: Jesus, OK you and your son go to Room 3. A doctor'll be in there shortly

[Bearded Guy grabs his son and storms off to Room 3]

Jorge (muttering to himself): Coño

Beta Guy: Yikes. Anyway, my dad over there is having chest pains and I was wondering if there was any way you could get him to see a doctor soon

Jorge: Well that asshole took the last open room but I'll put you at the top of the list OK my friend

Beta Guy: Oh thanks that's great! Really appreciate it

[Beta Guy walks back to Beta Guy's Dad]

Beta Guy: Dad, great news - you're at the top of the list!

Beta Guy's Dad: Uh huh, uh huh. The pain's gettin' worse and... I'm startin' to drift in and out of consciousness I need to see someone now

[Beta Guy looks over and Jorge's back on the phone, animated]

Beta Guy (putting a hand on Dad): Hey you're at the top of the list Dad, let's not push it

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: Can you believe that guy? Talking to a hospital employee like that?

Beta Guy (turns around, notices that Mother Holding Infant is attractive): Ohh - yeah totally out of line. And that racial stuff?

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: I know! I never thought I'd hear something like that in 2012

Beta Guy: Definitely a Republican. Probably voting for Santorum

[Attractive Mother Holding Infant laughs]

Attractive Mother Holding Infant (suddenly looking at watch): Ugh, if I don't see a doctor soon I'm gonna miss my older one's trumpet recital. I guess no one ever said single parenthood was gonna be easy

Beta Guy: Oh sure, it must be tough

[Beta Guy's Dad feebly taps Beta Guy on the shoulder]

Beta Guy: We're first in line Dad - don't worry.

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: The annoying thing is this little fella just has a fever, but they say if it's over 102 you should go to the emergency room to be on the safe side. The doctor'll probably recommend some Children's Tylenol and sleep and be done with us in 5 minutes. If we ever get to see one.

[Attractive Mother's cellphone buzzes from a text message]

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: My son: 'where are you Mom? All the other parents are here' - ughhh

Jorge: OK my friend a room just opened up. Let me show you and your father to Room 2.

Beta Guy's Dad (hopeful look on his face): Ahhhhh

Beta Guy: You know what, this young woman actually should go ahead of me because she's just gonna be 5 minutes.

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: Oh my god are you sure?

Beta Guy: Of course - hey I was once a teenage trumpet player myself and I can tell you it means a lot to have a friendly face in the crowd

Attractive Mother Holding Infant (touching Beta Guy's arm): Oh bless your heart! You are a saint. Take care of your Dad, he's not lookin' so hot

Beta Guy: Oh he's gonna be fine

[Attractive Mother Holding Infant and Jorge walk toward Room 2. Beta guy longingly watches Attractive Mother's backside in her tight jeans]

THREE DAYS LATER
[Beta Guy is speaking at Beta Guy's Dad's funeral]

Beta Guy: I was there at the bitter end, and unfortunately nothing could be done to save him

[An Old Timer who was in WW2 with Beta Guy's Dad stands up]

Old Timer: Bullshit! He was waiting in the Emergency Room for 3 hours, but you were too much of a goddamned spineless sissy to get him in front of a doctor! If you had one tenth the guts of your ol' man he'd be alive today

Beta Guy: Nothing. Could. Be done.