Not About Delino DeShields

High School Newspaper Op-Ed: DOUBLE STANDARD

2011-12-30T18:10:00.002-05:00

by Cayla Langley

Have you ever noticed how girls who hook up with a lot of different guys are called sluts? And yet guys who hook up with a lot of girls are called players! I'm sorry but that doesn't pass the smell test in my book - what we have on our hands at Coolidge High is a big ol' DOUBLE STANDARD...

First Date with Girl Who Has Amnesia

2011-11-08T11:20:00.002-05:00

[Setting: Hunan Szechuan Empire Gourmet Palace]

[Amnesiac Girl and I are looking at menus]

Me: You probably don't remember this, but Chinese food is like the cutting edge of the food culture right now. And this place is the epicenter of it all!

Amnesiac Girl: Wow - good thing I have you to take me to the hot places

[Waitress approaches our table]

Me: Hi, we're splitting everything. We'd like to have the e-egg drooop soup to start. Am I saying that right?

Waitress: Ees egg drop soup

Me: And this one is Ch-chicken with brickoli?

Waitress: Ees Broccoli. Thas it?

[I nod]

[Waitress walks away]

Me: Seriously it is like impossible to keep track of all these new cuisines

Amnesiac Girl: But somehow you do it!

[I wave the "stop, stop - too much" motion]

French Stewart Teaching A Sketch Comedy Writing Class

2011-10-08T18:47:00.003-04:00

[10 students are seated around a table. French Stewart is at the head. He has a script in front of him]

French Stewart: OK, what do we have here? A leprechaun who gets picked on for being tall. Hmm I like it, but it's missing a certain je ne sais quoi. Oh wait, I know... it's missing SQUINTING!!! How many times do I have to tell you this - just write it down because it's an equation you won't want to forget: Squinting equals Comedy!

Student: Yeah but-but there are other things that're funny besides squinting

French Stewart: What's your name, son?

Student: Lance

French Stewart: Well class, I'm not gonna tell you what to think. But I just ask you this - was Lance a staple of Must See TV? Does Lance have a place in Malibu? Does Lance have a lifetime supply of DiGiorno pizzas?

[Silence]

French Stewart (picking up another script): Now let's see - Kamikaze pilots arguing whether to order the Sushi Deluxe or Sashimi Deluxe for their last meal

[Whole class laughs]

French Stewart: Pretty funny right. Because the Japanese guys look like they're squinting with those eyes. (beat) COME ON! Did I take a wrong turn on my way to the Comedy Club and walk into the Museum of Tolerance? I mean Jesus!

Scene from the Time Out Pub

2011-10-08T09:29:00.004-04:00

[11:30 PM and 10:45 PM, dressed in sexy cocktail dresses, are sitting at the bar with 6:00 PM, dressed in a business suit, tie undone]

6:00 PM (looking at his watch): It's 6:00 in Dublin right now! Bartender - Irish Car Bombs for me and the ladies!

[The three of them do Irish Car Bomb shots]

[In walks Noon, wearing a Tommy Bahama Hawaiian shirt. The ladies turn toward him]

11:30 PM: Oh. My. God. It's Noooooon!

10:45 PM: He is so fucking famous - and hot!

6:00 PM: Ooooh it's Noon, he's got a real name, not a number - ooooh! Look ladies this isn't Spain - there are no siestas in America. In these parts you're usually at your desk with your tummy growling for a Chipotle Taco Salad at Noon. But at 6:00, you're out of work, slippin' into something a little more comfortable for the evening...

[Noon sidles up to the bar. The bartender eagerly awaits his order]

Noon: A strawberry daiquiri for me, and two more for these lovely ladies

[11:30 PM and 10:45 PM move away from 6:00 PM and sit next to Noon, who hands them their drinks]

Noon: You know in Puerto Rico, Noon is officially siesta time. You are legally not allowed to be working at Noon. True story

[11:30 PM and 10:45 PM coo]

[Into the bar saunters Midnight. He is decked out in his finest clubbing attire - Ed Hardy shirt, black jeans, Gucci sunglasses indoors. The whole bar turns to watch him]

11:30 PM (whispering): Holy. Fucking. Shitballs. It's Midnight

10:45 PM (whispering): He is the biggest celebrity in the Time world. And he's fucking sexy as as all hell

[Midnight sidles up to the bar]

Midnight: Goose. On the rocks.

[Bartender pours a glass of Grey Goose and hands it to Midnight]

[Midnight wags his finger "No"]

Midnight: One for everyone in this joint

[Midnight whips out his American Express Black Card. 11:30 PM, 10:45 PM, and all the other ladies in the bar congregate around Midnight. With the rush of people, Noon is forced to shift over to where 6:00 PM is sitting]

Noon: Don't these girls realize they're usually--

6:00 PM: -- asleep at that time. Tell me about it.

Noon and 6:00 PM (in unison): Fuckin' Midnight

[Noon and 6:00 PM take sips from their respective drinks]

[8:07 AM, dressed in a short-sleeve button down, tie, and unironic George H.W. Bush glasses, approaches Noon and 6:00 PM]

8:07 AM: Hey guys, so let me caveat this by saying the lockout has this whole season very much up in the air, but I was wondering if you guys wanted to sign up for my Fantasy Basketball League? We're goin' with ESPN this year - Yahoo!'s mobile integration was just not up to snuff

[Noon and 6:00PM shoot death stares at 8:07 AM]

Indian Family Dinner

2011-09-10T13:39:00.003-04:00

[Indian Mom, Indian Dad, and their son Anil, are at the dinner table]

Indian Dad: Your mother and I are very upset with you, Anil

Indian Mom: Very upset!

Indian Dad: We have always dreamed that you would marry an Indian girl. You'd continue the bloodline, carry on the tradition passed down through generations of Indian culture. But now we learn from your cousin Chetan you're dating this Rebecca girl?

Anil: This is America, Father. I can date whoever I want to date. And I want to date Rebecca - so what if she's white? We love each other

Indian Mom: It's too much! It's too much! I need a breath of fresh air. Talk some sense into the boy

[Indian Mom steps outside]

Indian Dad: OK give it to me straight, son. What's it like to fuck a white girl? Is it everything I imagined?

Anil: What?! I thought you were angry at me

Indian Dad: No no, I just have to say these things for your mother. Now we don't have much time - tell me is the sex with the white girl great?

Anil: Uhh... I... I guess it's pretty good

Indian Dad: And does she have light pubes?

Anil: Wait - what?

Indian Dad: Light pubes - not black

Anil: Uh... I mean they're kind of a dark brown - chestnut maybe?

Indian Dad: Ohhhh the non-black pubes! What about the smell of sex with a white girl? Describe the smells for me, son

Anil: Dad, this is just - I can't tell you how weird this is! No more talk about my sex life. If you're so curious about white girls why didn't you just date one when you were my age?

Indian Dad: Are you kidding me? You think I could've just gone and dated a white girl?

Anil: Oh right - the whole arranged marriage thing

Indian Dad: No one in my generation had an arranged marriage - the problem was white girls wouldn't give Indian guys the time of day back then. Not for lack of trying on our part. But nowadays I walk down the street I see Indian guys with white girls left and right. You don't even have to be that desirable an Indian guy to get a white girl these days - no offense

Anil: I just don't see it like that, Dad. I love Rebecca, and she happens to be white. But I'd love her just the same if she were Indian or Asian or Hispanic

Indian Dad (tearing up): Oh son... that was the dream we Indian men have always had since we came to this country. Have you ever seen those immigrant pyramid murals?

Anil: Oh yeah, where at the bottom is the first generation immigrants who are farmers, then the next generation stands on their shoulders and are factory workers, and the next generation up is shopkeepers, and so on until at the top are minority doctors and lawyers and businesspeople standing on the shoulders of generations of immigrant-Americans

Indian Dad (ecstatic): Precisely! But my generation was doctors and lawyers. We need to add another generation to the top of that mural - your generation, standing on our shoulders, nonchalantly has its dicks in white women's pussies!

[Indian Mom re-enters the room]

Indian Dad: And so Anil, that is why we forbid you from ever seeing Rebecca again

[Indian Mom smiles]

[Indian Dad winks at Anil]

Barbecue in the Year 3000!

2011-09-10T09:48:00.003-04:00

[A group of 30-somethings are already at the BBQ, including couple Xavier and Jarina. A new couple, Zilas and Ordana, arrive. The couples pair off by gender]

Zilas: Dude, you are not gonna to believe the traffic while I was flying over here. I took Space Highway 8713 - bad. idea.

Xavier (disinterested): Oh hey Zilas. Yeah, I guess it is the weekend

[Another guy butts into the conversation]

Quixen: Did I hear someone say he took the 8713? Guys, do you not know about Suborbital Service Road 5621? No one's ever on it - zips along at nearly supersonic speeds

Zilas: Yeah until you hit those Space Traffic Lights.

Quixen: Come on bro, I'd take a few stops in exchange for no congestion any day. Xavier, whadda you think?

Xavier's Internal Monologue: Who gives a fuck? Wow you can get to this boring barbecue 10 minutes earlier if you take one route instead of the other! Whoop dee frickin' doo!

Xavier: I'll be honest - I took 8713 myself - it's a highway, no stops

Quixen: Yeah except when you're in Space Bumper to Space Bumper traffic! Space Jesus Christ!

[Jarina and Ordana sip Space Wine]

Jarina's Interior Monologue: I cannot believe Ordana's Space Boots are genuine Martian Leather from Tazlee Kallen Boutique. Maybe if Xavier actually buckled down and got a real job like Zilas instead of "pursuing his artistic vision" I could afford those. His "artistic vision" has got me in boots from five seasons ago. From Space Macy's. Fucking Xavier. Fucking Ordana with her fancy boots. Bitch.

Jarina: Oh my god, Ordana, your boots look amaaaaazing!

Ordana: Oh my god, thanks! Zilas got them for me at Tazlee Kallen!

[The two groups - men and women - rejoin]

Xavier: How're you enjoying the barbecue, honey?

Jarina: I'm having a great time, sweetheart!

Xavier: Me too!

Unsolved Mysteries: Rockaway Beach Edition

2011-08-22T17:53:00.007-04:00

So Rich, Todd and I were walking toward Rockaway Beach on Saturday. I spotted a condo building facing the water that was holding an open house, and managed to convince them to come with me - "see a beautiful apartment we can aspire to, it'll be chill" was how I sold it. But as you'll see, our experience was anything but chill...

We entered the building. A chipper young white guy gave me a folder and a form and asked me to fill in my information. A minute later, I handed the filled-in form back to him, assuming he'd now lead us upstairs. But instead I heard a voice cry out from the elevator bank. "I'll be taking you on the tour," it proclaimed.

I turned around and found myself staring at the rather voluminous silhouette of a Real Estate Broker. "Right this way, gentlemen," the Broker beckoned. The Broker, still shrouded in darkness, stuck out a brown hand and shook mine with the firmness you imagine Rick Perry shakes voters' hands with. "Strong handshake - I like that in a man," I thought. In the elevator, I admired the Broker's red polo shirt - a nice hue, one I had been looking for myself. When I looked closer at the polo, I noticed that the Broker had small breasts. "Man-Boobs. Poor guy," I said to myself.

Then the elevator opened and the Broker led us out. And right in front of me was what some in the African-American community refer to as a badonkadonk. "That ass - that's a woman's ass! Wait a second - were those Man-Boobs actually Regular Boobs?!" I asked a banal question about square footage just to hear more of the Broker's speech. "The D-Line units like this one are 1,147 square feet," the Broker replied. Damn it! The pitch of the voice was either low for a woman or high for a man!

As the Broker rattled off answers to questions I didn't care to know the answer to in the first place, I searched for any clues I could find. "The washer-dryer is in the unit" - let's see, the haircut is short and gelled - is that Dyke-y or Dorky?! "Roof access is ava

ilable until midnight" - what about those glasses - damn it, Unisex frames! "We allow subletters but right now we're 100% owner-occupied," - come on, shoes have got to give something away - nope, asexual cross-trainers.

It was hot and Rich and Todd were getting antsy when we got back in the elevator and the Broker asked me if I wanted to see another unit. "No," I replied, "but why don't I take a business card so I can call you to follow up." "My business card's stapled to the folder you got on the way in." "Great, thanks so much!" I exclaimed as we got to the lobby. I ran out into the fresh air, ripped the card off the folder and took a long, hard look. This is what I saw:

That's right - I was in a full-on It's Pat! situation. The last name, which in many cultures gives away gender, was no help either. In fact, I'm not sure what nationality the Broker was - I was convinced Indian at first but now who knows - Mexican? Pakistani?

This person is a total enigma, and it's eating me alive. All I do now is type "Alex Torryn" in Google and stare over and over at the results for some crumb of a hint. Here is some of Alex's internet presence:

Real Estate Agent Listing [the picture: ]

Condo.com profile [ the picture: ]

Rockaway Real Estate Agents listing - 75% of agents have pics []

Youtube listing [no face, no voice]

SOMEONE HELP ME!!!

ALEX TORRYN ALEX TORRYN ALEX TORRYN MAN WOMAN MAN WOMAN ALEX TORRYN ALEX TORRYN GENDER CONFUSION ALEX TORRYN HERMAPHRODITE? ALEX TORRYN ALEX TORRYN ALEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX....

AT&T and Me

2011-08-15T16:36:00.003-04:00

Me: Your service is really spotty, I'm gonna leave you

AT&T: No you won't

Me: That's not true, I will. When my contract is up, it's Sayonara AT&T, Hello Verizon

AT&T: Yeah right, you limp-dick faggot. You don't have the guts

Me: I... yes I do

AT&T: No you don't. Now wait till the iPhone 5 comes out and we'll re-up your contract and sell you a 16GB unit for $399

Me: Well... maybe I'll get the 32GB version

AT&T: No you won't, you broke bitch

Me (whimpering): Yes, Daddy

Real-Life Insta-Reaction to S&P U.S. Credit Downgrade

2011-08-08T19:34:00.006-04:00

[Persian BankerBro has smoked a ton of weed, maybe had brownies - is high as fuck. Chatting up two college girls]

Persian BankerBro: Ladies, I am seeing the trooooth! This is so dope - it's like I can just see shit, like the Matrix. Feeling sooo chill right now

College Girl: So what did you major in in college?

Persian BankerBro: What? That shit doesn't MATTER - just embrace all the beauty around you.

[Persian BankerBro checks his iPhone. Sees that S&P has downgraded U.S. Debt]

Persian BankerBro: DOOOOD! THIS IS SO FUCKED! My MorganStanley job offer is on the line here! My internship's over in 2 weeks!

College Girl: I'm not a big econ person. I'm more into fashion, I actually am working at Redbook for the--

Persian BankerBro: This shit hasn't happened in 70 years! This is real bad dude! So bad!

Me: Calm down man, I'm sure it's not--

Persian BankerBro: No Doood you don't understand. I was gonna get a Lexus with my signing bonus! Ohh this is the worst trip ever!

College Girl: You seem like a smart guy, you'll be fi--

Persian BankerBro: Just, everyone leave - leave me alone.

[Persian BankerBro sulks/vortexes on his iPhone for the next 30 minutes, I leave]

Real-Life Taxicab Confessions

2011-08-08T18:32:00.002-04:00

[Taxi picks me up on Upper East Side]

Muslim Taxi Driver: Where you going my friend?

Me: North 4th and Kent Ave in Williamsburg

Muslim Taxi Driver: Oooohh I don't know, my friend.

Me: Don't want to go to Brooklyn? That's OK I'll just get another cab.

[I reach to open the door]

Muslim Taxi Driver: Wait - it's not that! I want to go to Brooklyn. I want money. I love money. But I also love to pray! And I was on my way to the mosque on 96th Street right now.

Me: It's OK - really, go pray.

[I reach to open the door again]

Muslim Taxi Driver: No wait! What is it going to be? I love money soooo much! But I love to pray soooo much.

[Silence for 10 seconds]

Me: So, uh...

Muslim Taxi Driver: Money - so important. Need money to live a good life. BUT, BUT prayer so important as well. Need prayer to live a good life.

[Silence for another 10 seconds]

Me: Look, just tell--

Muslim Taxi Driver: Is there a mosque in Willamsburg?

Me: I don't, uh, probably

Muslim: Ehh, no, no - I know this mosque. It's a good mosque. I'm sorry my friend, I must pray.

[I exit cab, and get into a different cab, who proceeds to drive in the Kent Avenue bike lane, sending frightened bikers screaming in every direction]

Real-Life Encounter in Boston T Elevator

2011-07-26T13:04:00.005-04:00

[I run into the elevator just as it's closing. Middle-Aged Lady (pictured above) is only other person in elevator, facing away from me]

[Middle-Aged Lady lets out a long, relaxed fart. One that seems like it's been saved up all day]

[Middle-Aged Lady turns around to notice that I'm there]

Middle-Aged Lady: Jesus Christ! You snuck in here silently! You're supposed to make a noise, make other people aware of your presence.

Me (suppressing laughter): Oh, sorry

Middle-Aged Lady: You're the one who should be embarrassed, not me. You snuck up on me - that's just not right.

(beat)

Middle-Aged Lady: I'm not embarrassed. You're sneaky.

[Elevator doors open. Middle-Aged Lady runs out into the Boston night]

Scene from John Kerry's Office

2011-06-30T18:15:00.002-04:00

[John Kerry, Teresa and Stephen, an aide, are in Kerry's office]
Stephen: This is horrible Senator Kerry, they're hanging an effigy of you in Pakistan. I'm so sorry.

John Kerry: I know, Stephen. Frightening what some people will stoop to. Now I need a moment to console Teresa.
[Exit Stephen]

John Kerry: Can you believe it? An effigy? Of ME? And my name is BEFORE Obama's!

Teresa: Johnny I've got 3 words

John Kerry: John. Kerry. 2016.

Teresa: You got it
[Teresa and John Kerry start making out]

[Enter Stephen. John Kerry immediately makes it seem like he's just consoling Teresa]
Stephen: I'm sorry for barging in Senator Kerry, it's just I forgot my iPhone charger and I'm going on a long train ride.

John Kerry: No, no - it's fine, Stephen. There, there Teresa

[John pets Teresa's hair]

Preview of President Obama's Labor Day Speech

2011-06-09T11:04:00.003-04:00

President Obama: My fellow Americans, on this day we give thanks to the hundreds of millions across this great land who summon the strength to get out of bed in the morning, show up to the office or jobsite and put in an honest, hard day's work to make this country run each and every day. These Americans are not out for riches, and they're certainly not out for fame - they just want to do the best job they can.

[President Obama turns toward the Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas, sitting on dais]

And that's why today I am giving the Presidential Medal of Honor to the Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas. Like so many decent, hard-working Americans, no one knows his name--

Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas: Mr. President, my name is Taboo!

President Obama: No one knows what he does--

Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas: Mr. President how do you not know that I rap, dance capoeira, and also play keyboards on some tracks?

President Obama: No one even knows what race he is - Samoan maybe?

Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas: Jesus Christ President Obama I'm a mix of Mexican and Shoshone Indian!

President Obama: But we do know that he is a hard-working American who puts 110% into his work and that on this Labor Day we honor that dedication to his job!

[Rapturous applause from the crowd as President Obama puts the Presidential Medal of Honor around Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas' neck]

President Obama (small talk w/ Post-Racial Guy over the deafening applause): So how's apl.de.ap doin'?

Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas: You know his name but not mine?! He's the fourth wheel! I'm only the third wheel!

President Obama: Hey - but he's a brotha...
[President Obama flashes a 1000-Watt smile]

[Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas sulks quietly]

Opthamology 101

2011-05-23T21:23:00.002-04:00

Badass Opthamology Student: I'm gonna say "Which one do you like?"

Crusty Old Opthamology Professor: Listen kid, everyone says "Better 1 or Better 2?" That's how it is, that's how it'll always be.

Badass Opthamology Student: Well I ain't everyone.

Crusty Old Opthamology Professor: Jesus, every year there's one guy who thinks he's gonna reinvent the wheel. You think people come to Opthamologists to get their eyes examined? Any half-wit could do that. They come to be asked "Better 1 or Better 2?" It gives them order in their otherwise chaotic modern lives. It comforts them. It narrows this incomprehensible world down just two choices. This... or that? Not Half-Fat this and Part-Skim that and No-Soy No-Gluten the other thing.

[A single tear falls down Badass Opthamology Student's cheek]

Badass Opthamology Student: That's the most beautiful thing anyone's ever said to me.

Crusty Old Opthamology Professor: Alright, alright, let's turn off the waterworks. You still need a lot of practice to get your "I'm gonna shoot a puff of air in your eye, but don't move" up to snuff. Back to work!

FBI's 10 Least Wanted Terrorists

2011-05-17T12:17:00.005-04:00

10. Ismail Al-Harbi

Al-Qaeda Munitions Specialist

Intelligence sources indicate that numerous members of al-Qaeda have been sitting alone at a two-person table in the al-Qaeda cafeteria, deeply contemplating the Koran they are reading, when Al-Harbi has sat down across from them with his overflowing tray of food. Al-Harbi is then believed to ask, “Hey what chapter are you reading?” When the other al-Qaeda member reluctantly tells al-Harbi the Koran chapter he's reading, al-Harbi is suspected of replying, “Cool, Cool. One of my faves.” A brief silence is believed to follow, until al-Harbi blurts out, “So what're you eating?”

9. Sadiq Salehi

Chef for Anwar Al-Awlaki

Salehi is painfully shy around women, but if a woman so much as seems to be looking in his general direction on the bus, he is known to post a Missed Connection on Craigslist Sanaa seeking her out and proclaiming, “We had a moment!”

8. Yusef Farooq

Al-Qaeda Counterfeit Identification Specialist

Intelligence sources have confirmed that Farooq has been threatening to build “a better social networking site than Facebook” for more than five years. Farooq has been witnessed at numerous social gatherings declaring, “My site will only have people in your real social circle.” It is believed that Farooq does not know any programming languages and has not taken a single step toward creating the new site, but that his excitement about the project remains unwavering.

7. Hussein Zubairi

Driver for Ayman Al-Zawahiri

Zubairi is known to have severe halitosis, but intelligence sources indicate he is “a very fragile guy,” so it is believed that no one in the al-Qaeda organization has the heart to tell him. Instead, Zubairi is studiously avoided, especially in the morning.

6. Ahmed Jafari

Hezbollah Explosives Expert

Jafari lives in the back of his mother's small shack in the hills of Jalalabad. He is believed to be sulking in his room. Whenever his mother's new boyfriend, who intelligence sources indicate is “a good guy,” suggests to Jafari that he “should get some fresh air,” Jafari is suspected of screaming “You're not my real Dad!” and slamming the door in his face.

5. Ali Marwan

Palestinian Islamic Jihad Webmaster

Marwan is known to ask fellow members of Palestinian Islamic Jihad interminable hypothetical questions. “If you had to die, would you rather be buried alive... or drown?” is believed to be followed by, “If you were the last three humans on Earth, would you rather sleep with your mother... or your sister?” At this point, the other members are believed to tell Marwan to “shut the f*** up.” But after a brief pause, Marwan is suspected of exclaiming, “OK, OK – last one, I promise. Same setup as before but it's your mother when she was your sister's age!”

4. Muhammed Khan

Al-Qaeda Information Technology Specialist

Khan is known to insist that the Game of Thrones books are “a million times better” than the television show, and to disdain anyone who's only watched the show. It is believed that he also frequently exasperatedly explains, “The series is called A Song of Ice and Fire - Game of Thrones is just the first book!”

3. Ramzi Khalid

Hamas Intelligence Officer

Intelligence sources have confirmed that Khalid owns a pet iguana named Ibn Khaldun. When fellow Hamas members visit Khalid's apartment, intelligence indicates that Khalid takes the iguana out of its tank and tells it, “Ibn, say hi to my friend.” Then it is believed that the other Hamas member politely says, “Dude could you just keep the iguana in the tank.” At which point the iguana tries to bite the Hamas member or whips its tail at him vigorously, causing him to exclaim, “Dude, seriously, put this f***ing thing away or I'm leaving.” Khalid is suspected of replying, “Alright, alright. Yeesh,” and then putting the iguana back in its tank and whispering to it, “It's OK Ibn, he just doesn't get you.”

2. Yasser Ibrahim

Muslim Brotherhood Courier

Ibrahim fronts a band called Koran Koran, which plays Duran Duran tunes with Islam-themed lyrics. Ibrahim is known to send Koran Koran Facebook messages to all his distant acquaintances, and then guilt trip them at parties if they didn't attend his most recent show.

1. Hamid Al-Sayyab

Al-Qaeda in Iraq Communications Officer

Al-Sayyab is known to have moderate skin irritation problems. He is believed to frequently corner fellow al-Qaeda in Iraq members at parties and explain, “It's actually not eczema, though it's in the eczema family of conditions. Of course my rash is so rare I have to use the topical cream prescribed for eczema, so it's not that effective, but they're working on a...” at which point the other al-Qaeda in Iraq members are believed to conveniently find they have to use the restroom or get another glass of water.

AIM Chat Between Pluto and Neptune

2011-05-02T15:47:00.002-04:00

PlutoNash: yooo what up Nep?

Neptune8: oh hey - nothin' much

PlutoNash: so i was just IM-flirting with Venus, and she said the Sun was having some sort of NBA playoffs watching party on Sunday?

Neptune8: yeah since the Suns didn't make it, he's kind of obsessed with the Heat so he's having some people over to his condo to watch the game and bbq on the terrace

PlutoNash: did he send u an invite email?

Neptune8: uh yeah

PlutoNash: hmm... didn't get it

Neptune8: you probably just didn't realize it was from him - he sent a PaperlessPost

PlutoNash: OK ill search my inbox for 'PaperlessPost' one sec

Neptune8: k

PlutoNash: nope - no results

Neptune8: try "It's Gettin' Hot in Herre" - that's the name of the party

PlutoNash: word ill try that

PlutoNash: nope - nothing. did that motherfucker not invite me?!??!

Neptune8: it would appear so. I guess it's kind of a "planets-only" type of vibe

PlutoNash: but i've been boys with u guys for years - i was one of the groomsmen at the Sun's wedding for godsakes! but now that I'm not a planet anymore i'm just another schlub?

Neptune8: look man i don't think this is a personal thing, it's just the Sun can't invite all the Dwarf Planets over, cause then the Asteroids will want to come too, and the Meteoroids, and it gets out of control. His condo's living room isn't even that big

PlutoNash: oh come on, he's got the couch that seats at least 3, maybe 4 if everyone's thin. and the loveseat that's another 3. then the La-Z-Boy and the 2 chairs in the corner. plus the folding chairs on the terrace!

Neptune8: he hates to use the folding chairs indoors - they scratch up the floor

PlutoNash: well then what if i just sit on the floor?

Neptune8: kind of blocks people's view

PlutoNash: ok ok i'll stand

Neptune8: then everyone feels like you're hovering

PlutoNash: how about i stand in the doorway of the Sun's bedroom and watch from there?

Neptune8: that's just weird

PlutoNash: so that's it. I've finally officially been excommunicated from the planet social scene. Saturn's birthday in January - which FUCKING SUCKED btw, terrible overpriced bar! - was my last hurrah

Neptune8: no dude, you know how the Sun is - he's all about his parties only having "bodacious bitches and ballin' bros" - he's always excluding people

PlutoNash: so i guess i'm not a ballin' bro, huh???

Neptune8: look, forget about it - Natasha and I are having a Little League World Series Luau in our backyard in August. u should come it's gonna be fun - some of the other planets r gonna be there, we got tiki torches...

PlutoNash: great, i can't go to the Sun's exclusive NBA Playoffs party at his luxury condo, but it's fine because i'm totes welcome at the Little League Luau in your weed-ridden backyard. woohoo!

Neptune8: jesus dude, i try to do you a solid and this is what i get in return?! the Sun is right - you are a bitter loser!

PlutoNash: did he fucking call me that????

Neptune8: in so many words

PlutoNash: whatever, u know what, it's fine. i'm sorry i insulted your luau. it sounds like it'll be a lot of fun. When is it?

Neptune8: August 18th. would be cool if u brought some pineapple juice as a mixer

PlutoNash: sure thing - are you gonna send out an official invitation via PaperlessPost?

Neptune8: u know it

PlutoNash: cool. alright man well i'll see u then. have fun at the Sun's party - put in a good word for me with Venus ;)

Neptune8: will do. peace

PlutoNash: l8r

Scene from a West Philadelphia Barbershop

2011-03-23T22:38:00.002-04:00

Barber #1: Last time I was at the post office I picked me up some of them Forever Stamps

Barber #2: Ooooh yeah I got a whole envelope full of Forever Stamps. And not one of them regular envelopes you send a letter in and you gotta fold it up into thirds. A big ol' envelope like for taxes and shit

HipsterBro Customer: Actually, I read in Slate that Forever Stamps are a bad investment because inflation always rises faster than the price of stamps. So even though ordinary stamps get more expensive, they're relatively cheaper

Barber #1: What?! Do you have brain damage? What don't you understand about Forever? It's the same price, for-e-ver! That's a good mothafuckin' deal right there

Barber #2: That's right - what else stay the same price forever? You buy milk lately? That shit like four dollars a gallon!

HipsterBro Customer: Right but with inflation the stamps actually go down in p--

Barber #1: Son, ain't nothin' in this world last forever - not you, not your momma, not me, not the United States, not the Earth, not the Sun, hell maybe not even the mothafuckin' universe. But these stamps - they forever

HipsterBro: Yeah but this Slate piece said--

Barber #2: Why you in here anyway?

HipsterBro: Uh, I read about this barbershop in Philadelphia Weekly - it was a pick of the week

Barber #1: Well I ain't cuttin' yo hair. And he ain't cuttin' yo hair. So get the fuck outta here!

(HipsterBro leaves in a hurry)

Barber #2: Forever Stamps a bad investment? Some people, man

Barber #1: Next thing you know, someone gonna say I shouldn't have a thousand dollars worth of P.F. Chang's Gift Certificates in my drawer

Barber #2: Nah, no one dumb enough to fuck wit de ChangBucks. ChangBucks so solid - when China done investing in Treasury bonds they headin' straight for the ChangBucks.

Barber #1: Mm-hmm, mm-hmm

Tail End of a PIXAR Pitch Meeting

2011-02-19T09:53:00.007-05:00

Marty Kornfeld: OK, OK but what about a picture where Scotty the Scotch tape dispenser is replaced by Duke the duct tape dispenser, who's tougher, meaner and stronger than Scotty. So Scotty has to team up with Witey the Wite-Out bottle and Randy the 3-Hole Paper Reinforcement to take back the office from Duke and--

PIXAR Executive: --3-Hole Paper reinforcement? What?

Marty Kornfeld: Those little circular stickers you put around one of the holes in a piece of binder paper that's ripped.

PIXAR Executive: Oh yeah. Look, Marty, Toy Story played on nostalgia for old toys, and Cars played on nostalgia for old cars, but that's because there really is nostalgia for those things. No one has nostalgia for office supplies that used to be more important in a pre-digital age.

Marty Kornfeld: Alright, alright, I'm hearin' you. (beat) That's why I came with another character - Hank the Hard-Line Phone. He's a badass who takes no prisoners -- "My only dead zone is anyone who fucks with me!"

(beat)

Marty Kornfeld: Could you validate my parking?

Scene from the First Day in Prison for a Neurotic Jew and his Bro Accomplice

2011-01-16T13:17:00.005-05:00

[Neurotic Jew is sitting alone at a table in the prison cafeteria, sporting an orange jumpsuit and a freshly shaved head]

Neurotic Jew's Interior Monologue: This jumpsuit is too big on me, it makes me look even scrawnier than I already am. I specifically told the guy Small - I'm swimming in this Medium! This is the last thing I need - I'm fresh, weak, meat in this place already. How am I, and my asshole, gonna stay protected? Maybe I'll join a gang - the Aryan Brotherhood. I bet I could pass as a Christian - I mean they shaved off my Jew-fro and I have blue eyes! Passing? Dear God where am I, Vichy France? And I can forget about my literary ambitions. Back in the '60s it was cool to go to jail - "You've been in the slammer? Sweet man, write about that shit!" Now it's all "Where'd you get your MFA?" and "Who do you know at Random House?" It's a fucking travesty. Wait is that giant Mexican guy looking at me? Don't make eye contact, don't make eye contact... Oh God, I just made eye contact. FUUUUUUCK!!!!

[Bro sits down next to Neurotic Jew, tray full of food in hand]

BRO: Dude, you gotta try this creamed corn! No joke - BEST. Creamed corn. Ever.

Straight out of Curb Your Enthusiasm

2010-12-04T17:42:00.002-05:00

So I'm sitting on the subway playing Angry Birds: Halloween Edition on my iPhone, when a Cute Black Child sits down next to me. He starts watching me play and then asks, "can I play?" and with every guilty white liberal bone in my body I proudly exclaim, "Sure!"

Now I'm holding the phone while the kid plays Angry Birds. I show him how to play, but he's not doing so well. Then I explain to him that you have to pull the bird to the left in order to make it go to the right, and he's starting to get the hang of it. He beats a level and I give him a high-five. I feel like fucking RFK and MLK rolled into one for all the good I've done for racial harmony in this country. The kid starts getting so good that my hand holding the phone is obstructing his shots. So he asks if he can hold the phone himself. "Of course," I reply as I hand him the phone. As he plays, his Mom, who has been standing there the whole time, chats with me about how he really loves games and I tell her that he is very precocious and talented. If my heart were any more warmed they'd have to send in the Fire Department.

But just then, Mom jolts to attention as she realizes it's their stop and the doors just opened. She thanks me and walks to the doors. "It's our stop, let's go!" she cries out to her son. But my Cute Black Child friend is in the middle of an Angry Birds level and is solely focused on beating it (we've all been there). So I politely say, "Sorry buddy, you've gotta go with your Mom now," and put out my hands for him to give me back the phone. But he's got laser-focus on the game, and ignores me.

By this time, the doors are only 10 seconds from closing. I've got to do something, or either a) the kid will take the phone with him in his hurry to get to Mom, or b) the doors will close and I'll have to get the kid back to Mom somehow, neither of which are very appealing options. "You've gotta go!" I repeat. No reaction. So I take the only action I think can solve this morass - I reach for the iPhone. As my hand touches the iPhone, I realize this kid is not letting go. He's 100% focused on playing Angry Birds. So I gently try to pull the phone away from him, figuring this might make him understand the situation. But he just pulls the phone back toward him and tries to keep playing. Now there are 5 seconds to go until the doors close, and I've got only one, horrible option left.

And that's how I ended up grappling over an iPhone with a Cute Black Child on the subway, with him screaming "NO! IT'S MY GAME!"as I pulled on the iPhone with all my might. Finally I wrested control of the phone and the kid ran out of the train just in the nick of time, leaving me to stew in the disgusted stares of the white liberals and old Hispanic ladies around me. Somehow I'd gone from RFK to KKK in the blink of an eye.

Another WaLuigi Interview

2010-11-23T18:01:00.003-05:00

[Interviewer From Nintendo Power, a mid-20s dude, sits across from WaLuigi. A gruff 40-year-old Cameraman films them]

Interviewer: So WaLuigi, how much do you hate Luigi?

WaLuigi: You know, in my old age, I've realized that my anger toward Luigi was unjustified. The real deserving target of my anger is the Wall Street banks, who are giving record bonuses this year even as average Americans face the highest unemployment rate in decades and most of Wall Street's profits are thanks to government largesse.

Interviewer: CUT! WaLuigi, what're you doing? It's a simple question, just answer it like the script says and we'll be done here. This isn't fuckin' Charlie Rose.

WaLuigi: I'm not that guy anymore. I'm a public intellectual now. Thurman Thomas and I published an article in the Huffington Post supporting the creation of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau that very well may have pushed the legislation over the edge in the Senate.

Cameraman: We gotta get movin'. We got Yoshi across town in half an hour.

Interviewer: I tell you what - let's record the stuff from the script super quick, and then we'll get a bunch of footage of whatever you want to say after that.

WaLuigi: Alright, alright.
[Cameraman turns on camera]

Interviewer: So WaLuigi, how much do you hate Luigi?

WaLuigi (shaking fist): I-ah hate him so-ah much-ah! (pause) Now you also have to realize it's not just the banks - Bernanke and Geithner are using the government to help the banks--

Interviewer: And that's a wrap.
[Interviewer and Cameraman pack up]

WaLuigi: But I haven't even explained how TARP is only one tiny sliver of the government's propping up of the banks

[Interviewer and Cameraman walk away]

WaLuigi (shaking fist): You'll rue-ah the day-ah you crossed-ah WaLuigi!

[WaLuigi is now alone]
(WaLuigi sighs)
WaLuigi: Ah well, at least I have my driving shoes.

A la recherche du temps poo-poo

2010-11-09T12:22:00.002-05:00

[10-Year-Old Dan is in the bathroom]

10-Year-Old Dan's Inner Monologue: Well, I have to poop and I have to take a shower. Why don't I take a shower and then poop? Then I'll feel all clean when I poop!

[10-Year-Old Dan takes a shower. He dries off, then sits on the toilet and takes a poop and starts to wipe up]

10-Year-Old Dan's Inner Monologue: That was completely insane! I just did the cleanest thing in the world and then the dirtiest thing. Ah well, life lesson learned. Poop and then shower. Better tell Rich.

[10-Year-Old Dan picks up his pants and is about to open the bathroom door]

10-Year-Old Dan's Inner Monologue: Wait a second, I'm not telling Rich. Let him figure it out on his own. I mean he doesn't tell me how he does that NHL '93 juke move to score all those goals. Screw him.

[10-Year-Old Dan opens the bathroom door. 10-Year-Old Rich is on the other side]

10-Year-Old Dan: Hey Rich, bathroom's free! You can shower, and poop. In any order you want, yep.

10-Year-Old Rich: Uh, what?

10-Year-Old Dan: Oh nothing. Doo-da-doo-da-doo

[10-Year-Old Dan walks off to read The Indian in the Cupboard but really just fantasizes about Rich screwing up the shower/poop order]

Alpha and Beta Water

2010-10-29T19:49:00.002-04:00

Scene from a 1993 Hanukkah

2010-10-03T21:30:00.003-04:00

Jared's Mom: And I saved the best gift for the last night!

[Jared's Mom hands Jared a small gift-wrapped box. Jared's eyes light up, as if he knows what it is]
[Jared rips open the box. Inside is the SNES version of Mortal Kombat]
[The excitement evaporates from Jared's face]

Jared's Mom: It's exactly what you wanted! You excited to play?

Jared: Mom, I wanted the Genesis version

Jared's Mom: Genesis? Super Nintendo? It's all the same

Jared: No, it's not the same. There's no blood in the Super Nintendo version. You did this on purpose!

Jared's Mom: On purpose? Jared, you're giving me far too much credit - what do I know about video games? It's not like I leaf through your little Nintendo Powers while you're at school

[Jared grabs a VHS tape labeled "60 Minutes 11/12/93 - Violent Video Games and Your Kids: What You Should Know/Cheers Final Ep."]

Jared: This ring any bells?

Jared's Mom: You don't need to see all that blood! You're very impressionable at this age - I've read studies!

CUT TO:
[Later that night]
[Jared's sitting in front of the TV playing Mortal Kombat for SNES, slack-jawed, clearly not enjoying himself. Jared's Mom walks in]

Jared (sarcastic): Wow Mom, thanks so much. This is exhilarating

Jared's Mom: Jared, I'm letting images of a ninja beating up a woman into my home - what more do you want?!

Jared: I. Want. BLOOOOOOOOOOOD!

US Open New Camera Technology!

2010-09-21T16:34:00.007-04:00

Now that the US Open is over, I just wanted to share with you some of the great advances CBS made with its camera technology in covering this year's Open - let's take a look!

ServeCam

Cool Australian Bro in one of the Players' EntouragesCam

"Show" Sock MonstrosityCam

Ingenue BackCam

Indented Thigh FatCam

Scene from the Early 90s

2010-09-19T17:39:00.004-04:00

[Pete Pierson, CEO of K2 Skates sits on his porch with his wife Debbie and 5-year-old daughter, Jenny]

[Pete hands Jenny a box, which Jenny opens to find... a pair of brand-new K2 Girls' In-Line Skates!]

Jenny: Thanks Daddy! I always wanted rollerbwades!

Pete (putting his hand on his temple): They're not rollerblades, sweetie, they're in-line skates. Rollerblade is just a company, a bad company that's daddy's enemy

Jenny: OK Daddy. I'm gonna go rollerbwading with my fwiends now!

Pete: Jenny, you're not ROLLERBLADING! You're IN-LINE SKATING!

Debbie: Peter, leave Jenny alone. I'm sure she's just repeating what she heard at school

Pete: Deb, this is a crucial time in our company - if they become the generic word for in-line skates, that's it - K2 will always be an also-ran

Jenny: Mommy, did you xerox my permission swip for the trip to the science museum?

[Pete grabs Jenny's in-line skates and throws them on the lawn]

Pete: GODDAMNIT, JENNY! It's photocopy! Photocopy! There are good men, friends of mine, working their asses off over at Canon. But do you care? DOES ANYONE CARE????

[tears well up in Pete's eyes]

Debbie (smirking): Hey Peter, looks like you need a Kleenex

[Pete shoots Deb a death stare]

Product Review on Amazon

2010-08-30T21:03:00.007-04:00

Rarely do I feel compelled to review a product on Amazon, but the Adidas Men's No Show Athletic Sock, 6-pack was that once-in-a-blue-moon product that required sharing my feelings with the internet. Here is the text of my review:

LIES LIES LIES, August 30, 2010

By	Daniel Berger (New York, NY) - See all my reviews

This review is from: adidas Men's No Show Athletic Sock, 6-Pack (Apparel)

"No Show Socks"? More like "The Scarlet Letter of Betaness." This product just breaks my heart. I lived under the Ankle Sock-ocracy for years, decades, accepting that I was forever doomed to be branded with that glaring white material covering my ankle and upper foot, proof for all to see that I would never be "a cool, chill guy." Then I discovered No Show Socks.

No Show Socks opened up a whole new world to me. Suddenly I felt more carefree, more confident. I got better at sports, using all the energy I'd previously wasted worrying about my socks to focus on the game. Women who wouldn't have given me the time of day in the Ankle Sock era were all of a sudden striking up conversations with me, and I was bantering back effortlessly.

My first foray into the No Show Socks market had been a generic brand from my local department store. Drunk on the success of that purchase, I figured any product that had "No Show Socks" in the title would be similarly transformative. And when this 6-pack of Adidas Men's No Show Athletic Socks arrived in my mailbox, I tore the box open like a kid on Christmas. I ripped off the ankle-high socks I was wearing around the house (don't currently have enough No Shows to waste on sleeping) and put on a pair of my new Adidas socks. I was in such a hurry that I put my sneakers on as I was opening and shutting the door behind me.

Leaving my apartment building, the sun shone brightly and I paraded around the neighborhood like a peacock in full strut. But slowly I started noticing that people weren't treating me the same way as they had with my generic brand No Show Socks. Men my age ignored me instead of admiring my style. Teenagers giggled to themselves. And women studiously avoided eye contact with me, let alone conversation.

What was going on? I was baffled. And that's when an elderly gentleman shuffled by me and gave me a knowing look, as if we shared something, were part of the same club. I smiled and nodded at him, a bit confused. Then I looked down at his feet. He was wearing Adidas Ankle Socks - not only white, but emblazoned with a giant three-striped logo. OK, so he was wearing Adidas too, but how did he know that I was, or even that I was wearing socks? I was wearing No Shows. That's when I caught a glimpse of my own feet. Staring back at me was not a sliver, not a slice, but a WEDGE of white material stretching nearly to my ankle. How could this be?! I thought I was done with socks showing! And then, then I looked closer. And I discovered the coup de grace. Not only was the white of my socks showing, but so was THE BLACK ADIDAS LOGO! A logo showing on socks, the only thing that can one-up the horror of the white material itself.

Suffice it to say my psyche has been ruined by these socks. No longer do I consider myself a virile, athletic, confident young man. I now have more in common with the mindset of my grizzled, beaten-down-by-life fellow Adidas sock wearer - accepting the limitations of my existence, merely seeking the crumbs this world will throw me.

I looked into a class action lawsuit against Adidas, but was told that the lawyers usually take all the fees and you end up with nothing. How fitting. That's what you'll end up with if you buy this product - nothing. No money, no success, no friends, no lovers. Just the Scarlet Letter of Betaness, that white strip of material and the black stripes of the Adidas logo. Everything in this world is Black and White, and this product is no different. There's a bright line separating No Show Socks from Show Socks, and Adidas Men's No Show Athletic Socks are firmly on one side. The Show Side. The Dark Side.

Master's Tea with God

2010-08-04T17:50:00.003-04:00

(polite applause)

Master G: Alright now does anyone have any questions for God?

(dozens of hands shoot up)

Master G: Hmm, let's see... Kevin

(Kevin is in front row, wearing black Patagonia vest and black hiking boots)
Kevin: Hey I was wondering - how did you decide to become a deity?

God: Just seemed like the natural thing to do.

Master G: Well that's it for the evening - God has to get to dinner with an old friend in Waterbury. Let's give God a big Pierson round of applause!

(polite applause)

(Patrick, a Divinity School student sitting in the back, holds a 3x5 notecard that reads, "My question for you is this - why have you introduced such astounding beauty in the world, yet also such astounding ugliness? Joy, but also suffering? Love, but also hatred? Life, but also death? Is there a lesson you want us to learn from the dark side of your Creation? What is that lesson?" He looks up and sees Kevin chatting with his friend)

Kevin: How do they find such interesting people to speak at these things? That lady who wrote Eat, Pray, Love was here last week!

(Patrick quietly seethes)

Frank Chang - Adoption

2010-07-28T14:02:00.000-04:00

Scene from a Hollywood Hills Party

2010-07-28T00:22:00.004-04:00

Fat Asian Chick: Hey yo it's McLovin'!

Christopher Mintz-Plasse: Hi, nice to meet you. My name's actually Christopher

Fat Asian Chick's Equally Fat Sister: Holy shit, it's really McLovin'!

Christopher Mintz-Plasse: No, as I said my name's Christopher

Fat Asian Chick: Yo get a picture of me wit McLovin'

Christopher Mintz-Plasse: Please stop calling me that

[Fat Asian Chick's Equally Fat Sister snaps a picture. She shows it to Fat Asian Chick on the digital camera's LCD screen]

Fat Asian Chick: Let's get one more. Come on McLovin', smile in this one!

Christopher Mintz-Plasse: My name is Christopher!

[Fat Asian Chick's Equally Fat Sister snaps another picture. She shows it to Fat Asian Chick]

Fat Asian Chick: Eh, that'll do. But yo McLovin', you could've at least flashed some teeth. [turning to her sister] Looks like they're running out of Patron - let's down some before it's all gone!

[Fat Asian Chick and her sister waddle off to the bar, leaving Christopher Mintz-Plasse alone]

Christopher Mintz-Plasse (sighing): Why do I keep doing this to myself?

Guy Who Regrets His Epitaph

2010-07-27T00:53:00.001-04:00

The Lamest Generation

2010-07-19T10:23:00.006-04:00

Grandson: Grandpa, just accept it - you're a little beta bitch

Dad: Grandpa is not beta - he fought in the war. That's a bit more alpha than fighting in your little World of Wizardcraft, wouldn't you say?

Grandpa (showing his disfigured hand): I lost both pinkies to the Nazis. You call that beta?

Grandson: Ooh.... pinkies! Call me when you've got a severed limb. Look, when you guys are deciding your schedule, who has ultimate authority? Grandma. When you pull up to our house, who's driving? Grandma. You should get a license plate, I AM BETA

Dad: GRANDPA IS NOT BETA! He is an Alpha Dog! He killed six Nazis!

Grandpa: SEVEN NAZIS! That last one was point-blank range! STOP SAYING I'M BETA!

Grandson: Well Gramps, when you stop asking your little health aide Kyung Sook, "Is there anything I can get you for your birthday, I know it's coming up soon?" I'll stop calling you beta, OK?

Grandpa: I'M NOT BETA!

Grandson: YES. YOU. ARE.

Dad: Alright that's it, we're playing the silent game. Go!

(beat- everyone's silent for a good minute. Grandpa starts to nod off)

Grandson (whispering into Grandpa's ear): Betaaaaaaa.....

2010-06-18T15:05:00.000-04:00

Uday's Interior Monologue: "Damn it, all the women are dancing. I hate dancing! When I actually deign to try it I feel Beta because I look clumsy. Why won't any women just sit at my table and talk, so I can show off all my charm and cultural capital. Jesus, even Qusay is dancing! Fucking Qusay. Alright that's it, I know what'll break up this dancing - a couple shots from good ole Mr. AK.

There we go, there it is - come on ladies, come to Uday. Ugh, even that didn't work. I guess I'm gonna need to take some dance lessons. Or get some concubines. Hmm... definitely concubines."

Mega Man at His 5-Year College Reunion

2010-06-16T19:58:00.002-04:00

[L-R: Mega Man '05, Brad Jenkins '05, Mike Killingsworth '05, Raja Khan '05]

Mega Man (so drunk he's slurring his words): Guys, guys, seriously OBAMA IS SUCH A FUCKING CORPORATE HACK!

Raja: Um, Mega, you know that Nita works in the Obama Press Office?

Mega Man: Well SORRR-Y! Your fiancee working for that scumbag means we should cut off all debate in this country apparently! (turns to dance floor) Hey EVERYONE, NO CRITICIZING OBAMA, OK - DO IT FOR NITA! Jesus look at Jenny Linden - is she auditioning for Nutty Professor 3: The Klumps Go To College or has she just put on 100 pounds?

Mike: Dude, Jenny is a good friend of mine. Not cool.

Mega Man: Looks like the No Fun Police are in full force - I'm gonna get another drink. But the next time you chumps need to be saved from Tsunami Man or whoever the fuck, don't come crying to me. And Mike, that widow's peak really suits you.

[Exit Mega Man]

Brad: See, I told you you were balding too!

(beat - Mike and Raja glare at Brad)

Brad: I mean, uh, fuck that guy. Never liked him.

*DISCLAIMER: All characters and events in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real Not About Delino DeShields bloggers or events in their lives is purely coincidental.

Quotes from a Future President Who's Obsessed with His Boyhood Discman

2010-06-11T10:03:00.004-04:00

Civil Rights
"Society's a lot like a Discman. There are all these moving parts, and sometimes the weakest of the parts, well it just gets pushed around so much it can't function anymore. Civil Rights are society's Skip Protection"

Education
"I worry about the future of America if we fail to keep up with the dynamic education systems of the emerging nations in Asia. We can't become Aiwa to China's Sony"

Environment
"Like the lens on a Discman, we've got to keep our oceans and skies clean and clear. This climate bill is the saline solution and non-scratch cloth for the Earth"

Government Accountabilty
"My administration has worked tirelessly with Congress to make sure that the laws we pass are written in clear, easy-to-understand English so that Joe Q Public can read them just as well as any K Street lobbyist. We want the model for our laws to be the instruction manual for the Sony D-E905 350 Discman, not the instruction manual for the Sony D421SP Discman"

War
"My mama had a saying back when I was a boy - 'If you break it, you fix it.' It being a Discman"

From My Outbox

2010-06-07T16:38:00.000-04:00

Separated at Birth Returns

2010-05-10T00:20:00.002-04:00

Solace of the Elderly

2010-04-21T16:24:00.001-04:00

Politics, Outside and In

2010-04-21T01:37:00.002-04:00

Beta Guy at Woodstock

2010-04-09T13:55:00.005-04:00

[Beta Guy stops his 1960's Toyota Camry-equivalent in a field relatively far away from the concert site, hesitantly gets out of his car but does not lock it]
[Some attractive hippies are walking by him, toward the concert]

Beta Guy: Hi I was thinking of parking here and I was wondering I guess I have two questions - one, is it legal to park here, and two, is there some sort of shuttle bus situation because I have this back thing and it looks kinda far?

[Attractive Hippie Girl blows weed smoke in Beta Guy's face]
[Two Attractive Hippie Guys lock arms with Beta Guy and start skipping toward the concert with him in between them]

Beta Guy (looking back at car): I, uh, I don't think I locked the car so maybe I should just--

Attractive Hippie Guy: --Just follow the music, man

[Beta Guy and Attractive Hippies arrive at concert]
[Attractive Hippies leave Beta Guy]
[A Hippie Scalper approaches Beta Guy]

Hippie Scalper: Hey man, a hundred bucks for a ticket. Face value.

Beta Guy: Well, seeing as how it's the last day of the festival and that ticket price is supposed to cover three days, why don't we say thirty-three dollars?

Hippie Scalper: A hundred bucks - it's face value, my brother.

Beta Guy: Right, but it's face value for three days and I'm only getting one day.

Hippie Scalper: What's your problem, man?

Beta Guy: Alright, fine. Here you go (begrudgingly handing Hippie Scalper $100 bill)
[Hippie Scalper gives Beta Guy ticket]

[Beta Guy enters concert grounds]
[In front of him is an orgy of sex, drugs, and rock n' roll]

Naked Hippie Woman: SOMEBODY FUCK ME! I NEED TO GET FUCKED RIGHT NOW!

[A smile crosses Beta Guy's face]
[Beta Guy takes his pants off, folds them. He begins to take his tighty-whities off when... a Male Hippie starts having sex with the Naked Hippie Woman]
[Beta Guy sheepishly gets dressed]

[Two young guys stumble Beta Guy]
Beta Guy: Hi, um excuse me. I was wondering if, since you guys seem to be "trippin' balls", you knew where I could, perhaps, procure a couple tabs?

Young Guy 1: Dude, what the fuck is this guy talking about?

Young Guy 2: Just feel the music, man.
[Young Guy 2 flashes peace sign and the two Young Guys walk off]

[Onstage, Jimi Hendrix is performing "The Star-Spangled Banner"]
[Beta Guy walks closer to the stage]

[An Athletic Hippie Guy starts crowd-surfing. He's being passed around, and is headed toward Beta Guy]
[Beta Guy tries to move out of the way... no luck. Beta Guy tries to support the Athletic Hippie Guy, to no avail. Athletic Hippie Guy falls on top of Beta Guy]

Beta Guy: My back!

Hippie Girl: Far ouuuuut. Pile on!

Beta Guy: That may sound like fun, but I don't think it's a very good idea bec--
[dozens of Hippies pile on Beta Guy and Athletic Hippie]

Beta Guy: OK, THIS IS NOT COOL! WHERE'S MY FUCKING CHAPSTICK?! WHERE IS IT?! MY LIPS ARE GETTING SLIGHTLY DRYYYYYYY!

First Date with a Na'vi Princess

2010-04-09T13:02:00.006-04:00

[I have phone to my ear]
Me: This is fucking amazing! I can't believe I'm going on a date with a Na'vi princess! What? Oh yeah, I'll give you the deets on that crazy ponytail-docking sex for sure. Oh dude, I think she just got here - later.

[Na'vi princess is looking around the restaurant]

Me: Hey, are you Neytiri?

Neytiri: Yep. And you must be Dan.

Me: It's great to meet you.

[I stick out my hand for a handshake, then decide that a hug is in order. Neytiri and I do a distant, butt sticking out half-hug. We both sit down at the table]

Me: So you went to Brown, right?

Neytiri: What? No, I've lived my whole life on Pandora. I just got to Earth a few months ago.

Me: Oh, got it. I just thought that might be where you knew Anna from.

Neytiri: No, Anna and I are in the same yoga class.

Me: Downward Dog!

[long pause]

Me: How's Anna doing these days? I heard she was gonna do the whole corporate law thing for a few years, pay back the loans, and then move to a non-profit like she always wanted. Greenpeace, I think. No, no - the ACLU.

Neytiri: Maybe - we don't really talk about that stuff in class.

[long pause]

Me: Isn't the decor here cool? The floorboards are from an old warehouse.
[no response]
Me: In Brooklyn.
[no response]
Me: It's a meme!

Neytiri: What's a meme?

Me: (sigh)

Alex Jacob Resurfaces!

2010-03-10T16:50:00.003-05:00

He has long been presumed dead, but my sources in Hollywood tell me that poker ace and former Delino contributor Alex Jacob is alive and well... and starring in a new NBC comedy series this fall. It's called et Al, and Alex apparently plays a Latin teacher (named Al, of course) who gives up his high-flying poker career to teach Latin in a small Kansas town. Check out the one-sheet:

Guy Who Was Late in Getting Around to Organizing Haiti Relief Benefit Party

2010-03-01T20:00:00.005-05:00

Guy Who Was Late in Getting Around to Organizing Haiti Earthquake Relief Benefit Party: Alright guys, I know I should have done this like weeks ago, but whatever. This Saturday, I've rented out the entire back room at Dive Bar for a kick-ass benefit party for those poor Haitians who lost everything in the earthquake. We're gonna have a sweet time, and help some Haitians!

Friend 1: Uhh, dude. Did you not hear about this? There was an earthquake in Chile two days ago. Fuckin' 8.8 on the Richter scale. One of the biggest ever. Over 700 dead already. They're the ones who really need help now.

Guy Who Was Late in Getting Around to Organizing Haiti Earthquake Relief Benefit Party: Are you fucking kidding me?! Can't one fucking 3rd-world shit-hole stay on the minds of these ADD Millenial motherfuckers who comprise my social scene for more than a couple weeks. I mean Jesus! I had a lot of shit to take care of what with the ski weekend at my parents' house in January, and then February there was the Super Bowl and President's Day - it's not my fault I didn't throw this thing earlier. Fuck fuck fuck! I already made the deposit at Dive Bar, which is nonrefundable of course, and I bought all these Haitian-themed decorations. Goddamn these Chilean motherfuckers!!!

(Guy Who Was Late in Getting Around to Organizing Haiti Earthquake Relief Benefit Party notices his friends are staring at him in shock)

Guy Who Was Late in Getting Around to Organizing Haiti Earthquake Relief Benefit Party: No, that's not what I mean. Of course we all know the real tragedy is this earthquake in Chile, and the one in Haiti. It's just so sad to see these poor people lose everything. Lose it all. Everything they have. Much, much sadder than, say, losing a deposit of a grand. Or blowing two hundred bucks on voodoo dolls and cocktail umbrellas. Yes, infinitely sadder, certainly.

The Hipster-i-fication of working class professions

2010-02-25T14:12:00.010-05:00

So I went to a butcher shop in Williamsburg the other day to get some meat for a little gathering at a friend's house. I walk in, scan some meats, and when I look up at the butcher to order some chorizo, I see a fucking sub-Wesleyan hipster. "Hey dude, what would you like today?" he asks sweetly. "We have some culatello from Northern Italy and a fine capacola sausage from the isle of Sicily. Try some - no charge, bro." You're telling me what to do?

Here's what I want you to do, bro - I want you to stop taking a job in a working-class profession, and for all your hipster buddies to do likewise. When I walk into a butcher shop, I want to be greeted by a gruff, brusque, downright scary guy who stopped going to school in 10th grade and couldn't tell the difference between Flaubert and Clifford the Big Red Dog, who doesn't have a fucking clue where any of the meat comes from but can cut a perfect slice of meat in the way that trade workers for centuries have learned one physical thing really well but have no pretensions to being engaged with the world of ideas. While you're at it, tell your hipster bartender friends that I want my bartenders to be named Jack and say, "the usual, Danny?" even if I lose out on learning about some great microbrews (which seriously crushes my inner yupster spirit, but so be it). Try it- no charge, bro.

Story about my Roots

2010-02-06T18:26:00.004-05:00

My Great-Great Grandfather Jakov Berger was a peasant in a shtetl on the Polish/Russian border. One time when he was about my age, a friend of his told him the adage that successful Jewish businessmen of the day were fond of bandying about - "Dress British, think Yiddish." Jakov was dyslexic, hard of hearing, and not terribly bright, but he had big dreams, so he tried to take this lesson to heart:

He died penniless, but he was buried in one of the heaviest, wooliest, Jew-iest coats ever produced at that time, so he was a happy man.

Sexually Repressed Guy Writes Origin Story for his Small Business's Web Site

2010-01-11T18:12:00.006-05:00

One summer day, my buddy Jeff and I were paddling down the Connecticut River. Just a coupla dudes with a coupla brews, and a canoe. Yep. Breezin' down the river, chillaxin'. Scopin' out babes, definitely doin' that too, for sure.

The current was strong that day, and Jeff used all of his might to steer us away from some trees that had fallen the night before. A powerful thunderstorm had left branches and trunks strewn all along the river, but that day there wasn't a cloud in the sky. The sun was beating so strong that Jeff shed his cut-off tee-shirt, exposing all six-foot-four of his sinewy frame. Water splashed over the front of the boat, covering Jeff's upper body. His pecs looked like a pair of sizzling porterhouse steaks, ready to be taken off the grill and devoured. Sweat glistened on his flaxen mane, the individual hairs like stalks of hay in a Millet painting. Jeff was rowing so hard he began grunting: UNHHH! UNHHH! Like the calls of a wild animal in heat. I hurried to the seat behind him and we began rowing together, rocking back and forth in unison, our grunts synchronized along with our strokes. Forward, Backward UNHHH! UNHHH! Forward, Backward UNHHH! UNHHH! Forward UNHHH! UNHHH! UNHHH! UNHHH! And then it hit us! Why are canoes made out of heavy, old-fashioned steel? What if canoes were made out of titanium?

Titanium is ultra-lightweight, durable, and strong - heck, it's even waterproof! Golf clubs have been made out of titanium for years - why not canoes? So with a little research from some eggheads at the Dartmouth Physics Department and some seed money from a few relatives willing to take a chance on a coupla young guys with a dream, we founded TitaniCanoes. Now that you know our humble beginnings, explore our site and check out our full line of TitaniCanoes... They're Titanic!

Eat Richly 1943

2010-01-03T22:59:00.001-05:00

Hurricane Andrew at Thanksgiving

2009-12-01T03:27:00.014-05:00

Hurricane Andrew: You know I was the costliest hurricane in American history until that meschugena Katrina came along! The chutzpah from that one. Katrina! Never mention her name in this house again! The deaths I caused, the destruction, the chaos. All across the South when anyone dared utter the name "Andrew" people would cower in fear! Now, ehhhh... We have no sense of history in this country. It's all, what's happening today and cable news and that verkakte Glenn Beck. It's a shame, that's what it is - a national shame.

Hurricane Andrew's Grandson: Shut the fuck up, grandpa. No one gives a shit about your lame-ass stories from the glory days.
(Hurricane Andrew's Grandson walks away from the table to play Super Mario Bros. Wii in the entertainment room in the basement)

Hurricane Andrew: Ehhh... he's probably right. No one cares. (beat) I'm so sad.

The Nature of Evil, if We're Being Honest With Ourselves

2009-11-22T19:11:00.006-05:00

INT. PARTY
(Hipster Acquaintance Who Dan Doesn't Even Really Like Or Care About walks past Dan without saying hello or even acknowledging that he knows him)

Dan's Interior Monologue: HATE HATE HATE that motherfucker! That dude is pure EVILLLLLLL!

(Fort Hood Shooter Nidal Malik Hasan, killer of 13 soldiers and wounder of 24 others, walks toward Dan)

Hasan: Hey Dan, what up bro?

Dan: I'm good, I'm good. How 'bout you?

Hasan: Doin' alright, though I've had a rough couple weeks

Dan: Tell me about it- my fucking DVR didn't record 30 Rock and it's not on Hulu yet

Hasan: Ha, exactly. Alright man, I'm gonna grab a Stella before they run out. Tell Rich I used Seamless for the first time the other day!

Dan: Will do! Later

Dan's Interior Monologue: LOVE that guy. Such a fucking HOMIE!

Scene from Berger Household, 1988

2009-11-13T12:48:00.003-05:00

(Young Dan is wearing his favorite Mets t-shirt)
(Jerry, a family friend, leans down to pin a BUSH-QUAYLE '88 button in Young Dan's shirt)
(Young Dan recoils)

Jerry: Whadoo we have a Dukakis fan over here?
(laughter)

(Jerry leans in again to put the pin in)

Young Dan's interior monologue: Of course I'm not a Dukakis fan, you think I'd support that spineless communist, interrobang. What I'm concerned about, you buffoon, is that this pin is going to create a hole the size of the federal deficit under the Democratic Congress in my most prized garment

Young Dan's OTHER interior monologue (Herman's Head style): Would you chill out, first interior monologue? The holes from those pins close up after you wash them

Young Dan's interior monologue: No they don't, that's just vile propaganda spread by the pin lobby! Oh dear god, he's about to... nooo... well, there goes my favorite shirt. Who needs a Mets shmata? Have to stop saying shit like that, not everyone in the world is Jewish

Young Dan (giving big thumbs up and smiling): Thanks, Uncle Jerry! Thousand Points of Light!

Young Mother Teresa in 2009

2009-11-11T20:12:00.002-05:00

(I run into Young Mother Teresa at Starbucks in Midtown Manhattan)

Me: Teresa, long time no see, how's the helping the sick and the poor racket these days?

Young Mother Teresa: Oh, no. I grow tired of missionary work. No room for advancement or 100K+ salary. Just a thing to do right after college. Looks good on resume - ees proto-Teach for America. And economy very bad right now. Taking LSAT. Want to go to solid regional school. Get firm job. But I steel care about poor- Simpson Thatcher has great pro-bono program, I swear...
(wistful beat)
Sorry, can't chat - in the middle of practice Games section.

The 'Buster

2009-11-02T16:33:00.003-05:00

In this age of BitTorrent, Apple TV, Netflix DVD mailers, and even Netflix streaming, you'd think that a reasonably with-it mid-twentysomething like myself would take advantage of one of these technologies when he wants to see a movie. You'd be dead wrong.

As shameful as it would seem to be to admit, I still go to Blockbuster. Their entire business model has imploded, H. Wayne Huizenga has had to sell the Marlins, and yet there I am still paying my $5.43 (plus late fees). As I'm sure none of my readers has been to a Blockbuster since the Social Security "reform" fiasco, let me share with you the marvelous human ecosystem that still thrives in the harsh environment of the few remaining Blockbusters -- who knows, maybe you'll even stop by one of these days:

Mid-30s White Man-Child (Employee)- In some amorphous supervisory role but still not the manager. Very knowledgeable about movies but not interested in helping you, preferring to sulk as he considers his station in life. The oversized dark blue polo shirt, tent-like khaki pants, and white sneakers contribute heavily to his man-childness.
Benefit: Makes you happy you're not him

Late Teens Black or Hispanic Guy (Employee) - Extremely eager, energetic. Clothes actually fit (sorry man-child you can't blame anyone but yourself). Very helpful.
Benefits: Helps you find movies. Restores your faith in the American economy's ability to deliver decent jobs to minority youths after it was crushed by The Wire

Late Teens Decent-Looking White Girl (Employee) - Totally disinterested in the job. Totally disinterested in you.
Benefit: Get to meekly say "Thanks a lot" really fast to her

Children and the Elderly (Customers) - Of course have no idea what NetFlix or BitTorrent is, so see Blockbuster as only choice.
Benefit: Cute, cuddly, blissfully unaware of classical liberal economics

Mid-30s Successful Black Man (Customer) - Only wants things on Blu-Ray. You would think if he is technologically savvy enough to have a Blu-Ray player, he could figure out another way to get movies, but I shouldn't be talking.
Benefit: At least someone else reasonably close to my age goes to Blockbuster

Teenage to Early 20's Athletic White Girl (Customer) - A mainstay of any Blockbuster. Almost always come in groups, often wearing some sort of athletic gear like yoga pants. Have amazing bodies. Their disdain for NetFlix and BitTorrent as too 'alternative' drives them to the 'Buster.
Benefits: Liven up the place, elicit Lester Burnham-like fantasies in man-child employees

20's to 30's Casually-Dressed White Guy - And here's where I fit into all of this. Through a unique combination of laziness, impulsiveness, impatience, and a secret technological incompetence that he would never admit in public, 20's to 30's Casually-Dressed White Guy has yet to master Netflix, BitTorrent, or even iTunes. So when he needs a movie, it's off to Blockbuster.

----------------
At the end of the day, you may scoff at me and my compatriots and marvel at the ease with which you procure movies. But what you call a transaction cost, I call... Paradise

Last Minute Costume Ideas for the Ladies

2009-10-30T19:11:00.005-04:00

Sexy Oldest Woman Alive!

Sexy Surly Chain-Smoking Waitress at a Shitty Diner!

Sexy Ruth Bader Ginsburg/Basketball Player!

Two Real-Life Scenes from Stu's Life in Harlem

2009-10-28T21:57:00.003-04:00

1. Stu and I are in a park in Harlem. Stu has just recently come out as gay. He is telling me how hard it is to deal with his sexual identity crisis, how being gay has altered his fundamental conception of self and will change some people's perception of him, but fortunately we live in a tolerant and open society, he'll figure it out and it'll be alright.

We walk toward the park's exit contemplatively. Three young kids from the projects approach us.

Bodie-esque Hopper: Hey yo, is it gay for a twelve year old boy to hold hands with another boy?

Wallace-esque Hopper: It's not gay, I just like holdin' hands with my friends!
(beat)

Poot-esque Hopper: So which is it?

Stu: Oh it's not gay to hold hands with another boy; it's just a bit unusual
(Stu starts to walk away, grinning at having taught a lesson of tolerance)

Bodie-esque Hopper: See, even that white dude think you a faggot, faggot.

2. Stu and I exit Stu's building and a project resident approaches Stu.

Project Resident: Hey my man, you hear my brother Randall he out of the hospital now, doctahs say he gonna make a full recovery.

Stu: That's wonderful!
(Stu begins to walk away)

Project Resident: So, uh, I was wonderin' if maybe you had a dollar to spare because I've got this train I gotta... (trails off)

(Stu gives Project Resident a dollar)

This exchange made me realize that even though this Project Resident probably doesn't use e-mail, his interaction with Stu was the proto- "e-mail where you ask for a favor but throw in some meaningless personal bullshit first in the form

To: xxxx.xxxxxx@gmail.com

Hey buddy,

Long time no see. I've been keeping busy, you know this and that. Randy might get a promotion at work, so that's exciting. How're things with Jenny going?

Anyway, I had this idea for an article for Slate and I know you're tight with those guys so I was just wondering if you could maybe pass it along with a little note of approval, you know no big thing.

Cheers,
Dave
p.s. we gotta hang out more!"

Scene from The Economy's family life

2009-10-07T13:25:00.004-04:00

The Economy, shock of shocks, is Jewish. And a couple weekends ago, The Economy, who is usually pretty much all over the country, came back to New York to visit his parents for the High Holy Day of Yom Kippur. I happened to stumble upon this family scene:

The Economy's Dad: How've you been, son?

The Economy: Oh fine, fine. You know, keeping busy.

The Economy's Mom: What about money, how're you holding up?

The Economy: Great, yeah no problems on that front.

The Economy's Mom: Honey, don't lie to me. We read the papers, we know what's going on.

The Economy: Oh you can't believe everything you read, Mom

The Economy's Dad: 9.8% unemployment? Negative economic growth? That doesn't sound fine to me

The Economy: Seriously, I'm fine. Can we talk about something else? How's Aunt Sadie doing?

The Economy's Mom (to Dad): Herbert, get my purse.

The Economy: No, no! You are not giving me any money.

The Economy's Mom: It's just a hundred dollars. Just to make life a little easier!

The Economy: Absolutely not! I'm not 15 years old! I don't need a fucking allowance!

The Economy's Dad (handing The Economy a $100 bill): Don't curse at your mother. Just take the money, kiddo. There's no shame in needing a little help. If you don't need it, just spend it on something nice- take a nice girl out to dinner. Speaking of which, any nice girls in your life?

The Economy: This is- I can't even. Ugh, this is why I hate coming home
(beat)

The Economy's Mom: Well you're always welcome here

Sample Ad with Copy for 2-page National Magazine Buy

2009-10-01T18:04:00.002-04:00

Interaction on a Subway Platform

2009-09-22T18:47:00.002-04:00

(A Metro employee in a Metro hat is reading the Metro newspaper he was just handing out to subway riders)

Me (shit-eating grin): Eatin' your own dog food over there, eh?
(beat)

Metro Employee: Dog Food? What the fuck you talkin' 'bout boy? You think because i don't live in your fancy-ass neighborhood I eat dog food?

Me: It's... no... it's just an expression- you're reading the newspaper that you...

Metro Employee (walking away in disgust): Unbelievable! We got a black president and this mothafucka thinks I eat dog food! Probably reads all the white Atlantic Bloggers, even that Megan McArdle, but not Ta-Nehisi Coates. Nothin' changes...

Guest Blogger: The Religious Liberal

2009-09-20T11:01:00.002-04:00

There's this guy I've been talking to about politics, and lemme give you a few quotes from him and see if you can guess who he is:

"Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions."

Against unbridled capitalism? Sounds like a real liberal WHACKJOB! Maybe it's Michael Moore?

"I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you"

What a left-wing LOON! Come on, this has gotta be one of those spineless Terrorist-Lovers like Nancy Pelosi, right?

"But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed,
because they cannot repay you."

Government handouts?! OK seriously who is this liberal FREAK, is it Al Franken?
...
...
...

Actually, that "liberal freak" is Jesus Christ! (You're probably saying to yourself 'Jesus Christ? Jesus Christ!') That's right, the messiah himself, the Son of God, Jesus H. Christ, was a liberal. You wouldn't know it from all the right-wing religious zealots who misrepresent Jesus and use Him for their hate-mongering, but Jesus was as liberal as Rachel Maddow (who He would love even if she's a lesbian)! Soon after Jesus was born in about 4 B.C. ('Before Christ,' not 'Before Conservatism'- sadly there were conservatives even in Jesus's time!)... read more

A Crazy Evening

2009-09-01T16:41:00.004-04:00

Last night I was in an empty plot of land in the suburbs of Northern Virginia with 5windows. It was 1973. It was a rainy, stormy night with thunder crackling and lightning illuminating the sky like the flash from Tom's SLR camera. We had just ensured that the horrible Alternate 2029 from which 5windows and I had traveled (in which SeamlessWeb didn't exist, there was a GrubHub Casino, etc. - I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT IT!) would not come to pass, and were thrilled! We were talking to each other over walkie talkies- me on the ground, 5Windows flying above in the Delorean.

"Come down here, 5Windows!" I screamed. 5Windows tried to maneuver the Delorean to the ground when all of a sudden a BOLT OF LIGHTNING STRUCK THE DELOREAN! I ducked for cover and when I looked up, it was gone! Only two streaks of flames that looked like the number 99 remained. "5WINDOWS?" I nervously inquired into the walkie-talkie. Then I saw the string of multicolored flags that was attached to the back of the Delorean fall from the sky, burnt to a crisp. "NO! 5WINDOWS!!!!" I wailed. I cried and cried as the rain poured down on me.

But just then, a nerdy-looking guy drove up next to me and got out of his car. "Dan?" he asked me hesitantly. "Y-y-yes," I mustered in reply. He began, "I'm from Western Union. I've got a telegram to deliver to you that we've had lying around the office for decades. This kinda heavyset guy from way back instructed us to deliver it to a kid wearing driving shoes at this time and place. We had a betting pool going back at the office - I didn't think you'd show! I guess I'm out 5 bucks."

I grabbed the envelope from Western Union and ripped it open! Inside I found this glorious message!

"5Windows is alive!" I exclaimed. But my unadulterated joy was complicated when I looked closer and saw the date- "1873?! 1873?!"

So now I have to get back to 1873 and bring 5Windows back to 2009. Wish me luck, my fair readers

Uh-Oh

2009-08-31T00:03:00.003-04:00

It turns out that our friend and Reader community member Todd moonlights for the New York Post. This is NOT good PR...

PostSecret, Berger Household edition

2009-08-26T17:04:00.005-04:00

With my - (Beneficent) Allah willing - upcoming move out of the Berger Homestead, I figured now was a good time to share with the blogosphere something we've had going for a little while. Inspired by PostSecret, my family decided to have our own PostSecret blog. As you can see from these samples, it's a vibrant little community with a lot of diversity where everyone feels free to share their innermost secrets

Google Reader party recap/ Trailer Premiere

2009-08-21T19:02:00.006-04:00

Thanks to all who came to the first-ever Google Reader Party; it was a smashing success!

Here is the cake we ate:

And a few candids:

There was even one protester who showed up, giving voice to those who think that the rise of Google Reader has caused the fall of the blogosphere:

But Reader and Blogs can coexist, as I'm demonstrating right here with the release of the trailer for the Google Reader movie, "You Got Shared," on this Blog. Enjoy:

Daytime TV- it's not just for latchkey kids and obese women

2009-08-19T18:13:00.004-04:00

Apparently, the guy who played J. Peterman now hosts Family Feud. From today's show--

J. Peterman (J. Peterman voice): I'm sorry Donna, Joe Cocker was not one of the top five Famous Joes on our survey. Let's take a look at the two you missed- we have Joe the Plumber and... Joe Biden!

(p.s. more blogging to come in the very near future)

The View From Your Window

2009-08-11T16:22:00.004-04:00

Central California, 12.34 pm

New Army Strategy to Win Hearts and Minds in Middle East

2009-06-30T13:01:00.002-04:00

Berger Family Childhood Photos Annotated #2

2009-06-16T14:45:00.003-04:00

Driving Shoes Digest: Interview with Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman

2009-06-03T11:06:00.003-04:00

Dan, reporter for Driving Shoes Digest: So, Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman- can I just call you Morgan?

Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: Of course, my friend.

Dan: So you stand outside Madame Toussaud's Wax Museum in Times Square every day- that must be pretty tough on your feet?

Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: Sure, sure. You can't imagine how many tourists pose for pictures with me every day -it's 15, 16 hours straight without a break. And I even heard one of them say the other day, "it's Barack Obama!" To be fair they probably put me out in front to remind people that President Obama's wax figure, who is a good friend of mine by the way, is inside once you pay the 20 dollars or whatever it is these days.

Morgan Freeman Tod's TD 4531 (BK) Driving Shoes
Wax Figure

Dan: So you chose some Tod's driving shoes to keep you comfortable during those long hours?

Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: Precisely!

Dan: I was chatting with WaLuigi the other day, and we agreed that one also wears driving shoes because they're stylish. They make you look like a titan of business. Wouldn't you say?

Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: I- I guess.

Dan: But more than that, they make you a titan of business. They imbue you with the contacts and the business acumen to get ahead in this world. And they make you irresistible to women. It's like the leather is treated with pheremones, the way these things work. They should sell a stick to fend off all the women coming after you when you wear driving shoes, wouldn't you say? But it would be a classy stick, more like a cane, don't you think?

Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: What? What are you talking about? They're just shoes. I like them. You are a strange young man!

Dan: Whew, I see driving shoes are a touchy subject for you. So what about those black spots on your face?

Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: Don't you do any research before you conduct interviews? This topic was addressed on Not About Delino DeShields in 2005 - you might find the post on the new Random Delino Plus Nostra site. This interview is over!

Ode to Finishing up job

2009-06-01T17:22:00.002-04:00

In my last couple days at my current job, I have totally given up on being courteous to my coworkers in any way. To honor this, I wrote a little song to the tune of Adam Sandler's classic "Steve Polychronopolous"- like to hear it? Here it goes:

I'll open a 46 ounce tub of Party Mix,
Just to eat one Dorito,
I'll open a pack of Milanos,
even though there's an open Brussels pack,
and they're basically the same shit,

My name is Dan... Mothafuckin'.... Bergerchronopolous

I'll tell the guy who has to clear the office
I still need the printer for work,
Even though I'll only use it to print out articles to read in the bathroom,
Instead of reading on the iPhone,
'Cause the screen is too fucking small,
Even when you turn it sideways,

'Cause My name's Dan... Mothafuckin'.... Bergerchronopolous

I'll take all the Perriers from the fridge,
even though they were specifically requested by some woman in accounting,
I'll borrow your scotch tape dispenser,
and never think of retuuuuurning it!

My name's Dan... Mothafuckin'.... Bergerchronopolous!

Faux Pas on the Road

2009-05-09T22:57:00.000-04:00

I was on my way to pick up Rich, The Actual Tom and H Bomb for a joyride at dusk along the West Side Highway and FDR Drive, excited to take in a cool spring night and the beautiful riverfront views.

On my way there, I had the sunroof down and windows lowered, and was blasting Lady GaGa. Singing along, "P-p-p-p-p-p-oker face!" I was lost in my own little karaoke room. But every so often I would see someone on the sidewalk screaming at me. First it was an old man- "Turn on..." I heard. Was I turning this man on, I wondered, or was he trying to tell me to do something? But then "Just Dance" came on and I was back in karaoke mode. Then, passing by a hotel, the doorman pointed to the front of my car and screamed "Your lights, buddy!" It occurred to me that he and the old man were telling me I hadn't turned on my car lights as you're supposed to when it is nighttime. But between me not really being sure which lever turned the lights on, my current focus on singing dance-friendly pop music, and it not even being THAT dark out, I just ignored him. Then, when approaching Rich's apartment, a HOMELESS MAN outside the Salvation Army building on 14th Stret jumped next to my car as I was stopped in traffic and frantically pointed to my front lights. At that point, I gave in and turned my lights on.

I never realized what a serious violation of society's rules it was to drive even at the beginning of the night with no lights on. The way these people reacted you would think I had secured an infant to my windshield using Scotch tape. Lesson learned, you pussies.

Though I must note that:
1. Everyone else has their lights on anyway, so I'm sure they can all see my car
2. I have been told that my blue eyes are so radiant you can see them for miles, so it's not clear whether this "car lights" rule applies to me.

Overheard among the Gruff Crew Guys

2009-05-08T09:37:00.003-04:00

(Gruff Crew Guy #1 is slicing a bagel in half)

Gruff Crew Guy #2 (gruff, Italian accent): Ya know, them bagels are fattening, Jimmy! It's like eatin' five loaves of bread, one of those things. Better off wit a donut!

-->Wow, this anti-bagel meme has spread pretty far if even tough Teamster guys are concerned about it. I was going to share with them that I learned from Ashley Olsen on Oprah that scooping the insides of the bagels slashes the amount of carbs and calories, but I didn't think it was my place.

Deep Thought...

2009-05-04T17:24:00.003-04:00

Why does the copier have as its default setting not offsetting separate stacks of copies, instead putting them all in one big indiscriminate pile? This is like Canon saying "hmm... should we make the default setting no asshole spike or asshole spike? (after some consideration) Let's go with asshole spike, just to be on the safe side."

Overheard at a Brooks Brothers photo shoot

2009-05-03T18:37:00.002-04:00

Photographer (intermittently snapping photos): Marcel, baby, of course we're gonna show your face in this shot. Do the pose, do the one we worked on. Yes!

Marcel (smiling): I think I really nailed it on that one.

(Marcel walks off to change into street clothes)

Female Assistant: Oh so you're going for a full-body shot this time - I'll shoot an email over to the catalog layout guys and let them know.

Photographer (grabbing assistant's hand before she can type): Were you born yesterday, honey? We're selling madras shorts here! There is a formula, it's pretty simple, it's worked for decades, we're not about to change it now: Shorts, toned calfs, driving shoes. Now get me those calf-shots for the prospective seersucker shorts models!

p.s. seriously fuck Michaelangelo's David - if that picture is not man at his most perfect I don't know what is

Just Discovered Google Reader Comment View

2009-04-29T19:24:00.002-04:00

Wow I just realized you can choose to only look at Google Reader shares that have been commented on! So I made a video to show how I felt when I made this discovery:

New Twitter Profile Picture

2009-04-28T10:52:00.002-04:00

A lot of you who follow my Twitter feed were complaining about how I didn't have a profile picture on Twitter. I didn't really understand what you were talking about, but to appease the complainers, I decided to use a medium shot of me rather than the close-up I had before (why do you guys care about this stuff?). Here it is:

My Work with The Community

2009-04-27T01:53:00.000-04:00

Back in the 80's, the big problem in the Village was heroin. Addicts were literally shooting up on the streets. Dirty needles everywhere. Well now, the addiction is Diet Coke. Cans litter the streets. The worst of them take "DC" (its street name) first thing in the morning even before breakfast. Horrifying, I know.

Well instead of sitting back and letting this menace tear the community apart I decided to do something about it. First of all, I established a DC bottle exchange program. Now, instead of DC addicts refilling old backwash-ridden 2 liter bottles that they'd shared with others with new product, these poor souls can have fresh bottles to fill up. I am in no way endorsing their horrible addiction, I am just accepting that this is a huge problem and until we find a broad solution we should at least mitigate the dangers to users.

And for addicts who think they might be able to take those first steps to recovery, I've set up a Sparkling Water Clinic. The sparkling water has a similar effect to DC, providing the user with satisfying carbonation, but it does not include the toxic chemicals and sweeteners prevalent in even the purest batches of DC. In many patients, it is a gateway to recovery.

This struggle is far from over, but I hope that my work will make a difference in The Community and help some neighborhood residents escape a dark, dark place.

Democracy and Distrust

2009-04-25T22:07:00.005-04:00

OK, admittedly folks, I have gotten off to a rough start with Google Reader. My interests are very different from yours! Who are you? You are the Yale Economics/Political philosophy majors that delight in reading "Posner-Becker", "Overcoming Bias", "The Huffington Post" and "Marginal Revolution".

I am a salt-of-the-Earth Florida cracker alligator-wrastlin' Drudge Report-readin' man! A picture is worth a thousand words, that's what I say, no need for any loggorhea-suffering New Yorker article-like explanatory maximalism! There, I said it! I like posting pictures of only recently obsolete forward-sweeping wing Soviet jet fighters.

Which leads me to my next point, I was watching Broken Arrow this Saturday morning; for the second Saturday morning in a row it was playing on HBO digital cable. As with last weekend, I noticed something really out-of character.

Let me give you a little background, in the very rare instance you have not seen the movie. Broken Arrow is about two American B-2 Stealth Bomber pilots "Hale" and "Deakins", played by Christian Slater and John Travolta respectively. They fight for control of two nuclear weapons in the unforgiving desert landscape of the American Southwest. Here's what I found odd. Here you have this mad-genius, a stealth-bomber pilot and Major in the US Air Force, in the midst of unfolding a brilliant plan of stealing two nuclear weapons, blackmailing the US government, and this is what he plans to do with his money:

HALE
That's where St. Judes Hospital is.
You're gonna hide the nukes near the radiology department
so they won't show up in any satellite radiation scans.

DEAKINS
I'm impressed.

HALE
How much are you gonna ask for?

DEAKINS
Enough. I've got a broker in Stockholm.
Monday morning he's going to buy me five percent of Volvo.
For the rest of my days I'm going to live off the dividends,
happy in the knowledge I'm helping to build the safest car in the world.

Now, granted, Volvo got some good publicity during that same period with the release of it's C70 model featured with Val Kilmer in The Saint (1997), but Volvo?! Are you fucking kidding me?! When the manufacturing sector is contracting, and you should have been diversifying your portfolio! What were you thinking!
I would have been cheering for you, Maj. Deakins, if you said... "I'm thinking about a long-term strategy, investing roughly '30 percent in Domestic Equity, 5 percent in Emerging Market Equity, 20 percent in Real Estate Investment Trusts and 15 percent each in Foreign Developed Equity, US Treasury Notes and Bonds, and US Treasury Inflation-Protection Securities*' "

But, for arguments' sake let's investigate how Deakins would have done if he had in fact invested in Volvo on February 9, 1996, when the movie premiered.

Since Deakins says the "safest car in the world" we have to assume he is not investing in Volvo Trucks, Light Aircraft Engines, or any other Volvo Subsidiaries such as it's Marine Engine group Volvo Penta.

This is what Keith Bradsher of the New York Times had to say on January 31, 1999
January 24-30; Ford Buys Volvo Car Unit
"Henry Ford took pride in building Model T's that the common man could afford. But the market for basic transportation is increasingly unprofitable as manufacturers in places like South Korea churn out lots of cheap cars. So the Ford Motor Company has announced that it will also try to become a larger maker of luxury cars by buying the car operations of Sweden's Volvo for $6.45 billion."

"Ford said it would keep Volvo's research, design, management and much of its manufacturing in Sweden, and would not change the cars. Ford gives its luxury divisions a lot of independence. How many Americans know that Ford has already bought Jaguar and Aston-Martin in the last decade? "

As Wikipedia points out: "Volvo Cars was owned by AB Volvo until 1999, when it was acquired by the Ford Motor Company as part of its Premier Automotive Group."

"As a result of the divestiture, the Volvo trademark is now utilized by two separate companies:
* Volvo Group - a manufacturer of commercial vehicles, etc. owned by Swedish interests.
* Volvo Cars - a manufacturer of automobiles owned by Ford Motor Company, in its Premier Automotive Group (PAG)."

So AB Volvo owned the Car, Trucks, Aircraft Engines division, etc. until somewhere around 1999 when it sold off the Volvo Cars division to Ford. So presumably Deakins could have purchased the Volvo AB conglomerate in February 9, 1996, and including dividends, etc. cashed out the rest of his holdings in 1999. How would he have done?

In early February of 1996 he would have purchased 5% of Volvo AB for $3.974 a share and would have sold his stock in early January of 1999 for $5.40. If we divide 5.4 by 3.974 we get 1.35883241. Or about a 35.88% profit in just three years. Not too bad Deakins!

Figure 1: Stock chart from Yahoo! Finance

From Wikipedia, again: "Recently, there were talks about what to do with Volvo Cars in the event of a market failure with US automakers ... AB Volvo responded to heated talks and decided that they do not want to see Volvo Cars fail, so they agreed to help Volvo cut costs through parternships and even a possible share ownership amongst a larger consortium. AB Volvo repeated and stood stern that they will not buy back Volvo cars nor be sole majority owner. They are only willing to become part share owner of the once car unit."

I guess the Swede's don't want to lose the prestige of the national icon that is the Volvo brand.

Dammit Deakins, you really are a mad-genius! Not only would you have made money off the sale of Volvo to Ford, right before the Auto-Industry mess of the 2000s, but you would have screwed the US over twice, first for the ransom money for the nuclear weapons, and second with the sale of a bad-apple to Ford Motor Company.

But this was Hale's response in the movie:

HALE
So that's it? You're just doing 'this for the money?
I'm kind of disappointed.

DEAKINS
Why would you do it, Hale?

HALE
That's the thing -- I wouldn't.

DEAKINS
If you were me.

HALE
If I were you...? (thinks, starts in)
Because ... because I got passed over for promotion
and goddamnit I'm going to show the bastards
that I'm smarter than them all. (getting angry)
Because ... everyone's selling out and cashing in, so why not me?

Now if I were Hale, at the time, I probably would have said (as I was in the sixth grade):

HALE
If I were you...? (thinks, starts in)
Aggressive investment in the technology sector;
come on Deakins, an Intel processor
can now perform 2 billion calculations a second,
haven't you seen those NASDAQ commercials on CNBC?!
That's what I would do if I were you!

And then immediately gone to the end:

HALE AND TERRY
Run to each other. They embrace, start smoothing
each other's hair, start wiping blood off each other's faces,
start kissing, only to be interrupted by...

THE TV REPORTER AND CAMERMAN REPORTER
What happened here? Hale and Wilkins and Giles share a look.

HALE
Uh... (looks at flaming TOYOTAS) ...
somebody was trying to steal some Toyotas.
The reporter asks more questions.

Hale and Terry walk off, arms around each other.

As they go, Hale sticks out his hand to Terry.

HALE
Rawley Hale.

TERRY
Terry Carmichael.
They shake hands and walk on as we...

FADE TO BLACK

THE END

*NPR interviews David Swensen:
http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=6203264

Berger Family Childhood Photos Annotated #1

2009-04-25T21:41:00.002-04:00

Snippets from an Interview with Waluigi

2009-04-04T13:32:00.003-04:00

Waluigi, undated photo

"Am I mad that Wario gets all the fame and glory, not to mention the groupies? Look, Wario may or may not be my brother, so I love him to pieces, but of course it gets on my nerves. I mean I'm skinnier than he is, I'm more handsome than he is, and let's be honest I'm way better at tennis than that fatso. He really drags down our doubles team...

... I think partly it has to do with his name being easier to say, and the Mario connection. Have you seen The Wire? You haven't? Oh my god you seriously must see that show it is the best ever- it's so textured and layered, it really gets at the hard truths behind the chimera that is the American Dream. Anyway, the drug dealers in the show -who are really not bad guys they're just like the cops that's one of the big points of the show- they use this phrase "off-brand" to describe anything that's second-rate or not top quality. And Luigi is sort of an "off-brand" Mario- he's sort of the same but he just doesn't have the same charisma, that je ne sais quoi that makes Mario a star. So of course that in turn reflects poorly on me...

...Yes, these are driving shoes. I got them in Argentina, they're very popular there..."

Where's Waldo?

2009-03-31T15:14:00.005-04:00

Ode to the Comment-o-sphere from a Grizzled Blog Pioneer

2009-03-30T17:00:00.004-04:00

Time was, a man staked out a plot of web-land, set down all his wordly possessions, and started writin' a blog. And well, sooner 'r later he'd write a post that some gal 'r fella really took a shine to. And that gal, she'd be so excited she'd write a comment right on that there blog's little corner of web-land. And some other fella'd read that comment and he'd be darn near tears he'd be so eager to contribute somethin' about the post, 'r maybe even about the other comment, that he'd comment 's well. And sooner 'r later you had a little ecosystem, bubblin' right there in that comment section. Sometimes things'd get real heated between commenters, and we used to call it a Flame War.

'Course now the comment section of the blogs is a ghost town. Boarded up server space, empty comment boxes. Tumbleweed could float along fir miles without hittin' a comment. Times've changed, I 'spose. Commentin's done on that there Google Reader these days. I think it's hard to keep track of, it's no fun, and most important it lacks that personal touch we had in the blog comments. How'd we let this Great Migration happen? I guess it just started slow and then one day we just noticed all the comments were gone. That's what them city slickers call "progress," I reckon. Don't seem any better to me.

I guess I'm just a washed up old-timer, but every day I wake up, take in the Lord's glorious sunshine, and check them there comments, hopin' against hope that a little miracle has been dropped into the comments section of my little slice of web heaven. I'm still waitin'...

The Fliff Guys Get a Visit From a Mysterious Argentinian Businessman

2009-03-29T21:38:00.002-04:00

Tragedy in Buenos Aires

2009-03-18T19:04:00.004-04:00

ARGENTINIAN COUPLE STRANGLED TO DEATH BY DERANGED AMERICAN TOURIST

BUENOS AIRES (AP) - March 18, 2009 - In an international incident sure to spark tensions across the equator, American tourist Charles Frankenson (pictured at left with wife Annie) strangled an attractive Argentinian couple to death near Buenos Aires´s Plaza Dorrego in the San Telmo district.

Asked to explain himself later while in police custody, Frankenson cried, ¨I JUST WANTED THEM TO DANCE THE TANGO! IT´S A MEME! THEY WERE SO ARGENTINIAN AND ATTRACTIVE AND WELL-DRESSED WHY COULDN´T THEY JUST DANCE ONE FUCKING TANGO! I´ve been in this city for five days and I haven´t seen any of the memes I came here to see! The women are sipping Coca Light instead of wine, the steak came with cream sauce instead of in its own juices, there hasn´t been a single protest- hell there hasn´t even been a fucking soccer game for these energetic brown-skinned people to scream about! I was heading back to Omaha tomorrow - I just snapped!!!!¨

Asked to comment on the matter, President Barack Obama tentatively defended his countryman, telling reporters ¨Now look. Let´s wait until we have all the facts before we jump to any conclusions. My aides tell me that Mr. Frankenson was very hot and had not drank any water because he didn´t know the word for ´water´in Spanish and did not want to suffer the awkwardness of pointing to the water and being asked whether he wanted it ´with gas´or not and not really getting what the difference was. And you know, I myself was pretty miffed when I went to Rome on the one day the guards at the Vatican were getting their crazy uniforms laundered and wore standard military attire instead. So I think a little sympathy is in order here for Mr. Frankenson.¨President Obama then turned to an aide and yelled, ¨Make sure those damned guards are wearing the uniforms when I´m in Rome next time! I´m the fucking leader of the free world- I think I deserve some fucking silly uniforms. Jesus¨

The Belly of the Beast

2009-03-17T17:01:00.004-04:00

So I went on a pub crawl last night and met new friends and then all today I have been outside doing outdoorsy things in Buenos Aires like walking around, touring the beautiful cemetery in Recoleta, getting a tan, admiring the fashionable olive-skinned beautiful Argentians in the cafes. ¨This is life!¨ I think to myself.

But as happens when there is a lull in one´s day, one´s mind starts to wander. Specifically, it starts to wander toward the internet. ¨Come on, Dan - it can´t hurt to check your email. And if a couple web sites slip in there who´s really hurt? But I draw the line at Google Reader.¨ I tried to resist the temptation, but it was just too strong. So I tentatively headed to the nearby internet cafe.

I walked in. I saw a few fashionable young Europeans sitting near the door. ¨This won´t be so bad,¨I thought. I went to the attendant´s table. I requested a computer. ¨Numero cuatro¨ I was told. I began to walk over to the computer. I looked up. Sitting at the next computer over was the fattest, palest, wormsiest, ugly glassesiest American I´ve ever had the misfortune of laying my eyes upon. ¨This is not a good sign,¨ I thought. But I sat down anyway. ¨I´m going to do this, and it´s going to be fine. On my terms. No lingering on blogs and news sites for hours. In - and out.¨ So I opened my mail, and there wasn´t much to see. And I Wikipediaed Éva Peron because I´d just seen her grave. ¨This is harmless. I´m in total control.¨

But just as that thought enters my head I look over at the obese pasty wormsy American´s computer. And staring back at me is a nightmarish scene of indescribable horror. This is a rough - it really doesn´t do it justice - approximation of how this scene I am about to recount looked through my eyes. On this man´s Internet Explorer were tabs as far as the eye can see. He had them stacked in three rows - I didn´t even know rows were possible. I scan the labels on the tabs: Talking Points Memo, Huffington Post, Marginal Revolution, The New Republic, Salon, Slate... ¨Oh dear God, I´m in trouble. OK. Stay calm. You can handle this. Just refocus on your core sites and you´ll get through this thing.¨ I took a deep breath. I was about to return to the part in the Wikipedia page discussing the musical Evita when this battle of wills took a dramatic turn for the worse. I decided to look, out of curiosity, at which tab the man had open. And it was... I can barely say it... THE DRUDGE RETORT! Reading The Drudge Report is a signal of a certain level of internet addiction and general depravity. But reading The Drudge Retort - that goes beyond internet addiction and general depravity to a level of addiction and depravity where the separation between you and the Internet breaks down and the concept of a ¨real life¨ceases to exist. The Drudge Retort is a site for people who find The Drudge Report´s news to be too mainstream and uncontrarian and seek a site that caters more to internet nerds´taste. This is The Drudge Report that links to every story that questions the existence of global warming and throws a picture of a baby with a leg sticking out of its head on the front page.

At that point I just lost all of my willpower. A chain reaction of ctrl-clicks soon resulted in a collection of tabs that rivaled my neighbor´s. And that is the sorry state I find myself in at this moment. ¨Let´s go to that fun St. Patrick´s Day party at the Irish bar that girl told us about last night,¨my traveling companion says. ¨What did you say,¨I ask, ¨Geithner AIG Obama Natasha Richardson Ski Accident Bailout American Idol Rigged Bernanke Al Franken Recount? Yes that sounds fantastic, let´s do that.¨

Vienna, 1945

2009-03-15T21:48:00.002-04:00

(Jakov, an Austrian Jew, returns to Vienna after having been at Dachau Concentration Camp for 3 years, to reunite with his old Christian friend Hans)

Hans: Hey Jakov, how was Dachau?

Jakov: Hans, it was terrible. Grueling labor, no food, the constant threat of death. But at least I had a girlfriend - her name was Anna, and she had beautiful brown hair.

Hans (to their other friend): Oh sure, he goes to camp and now he says he has a girlfriend. How do we know that`s true? You probably told the other campers that you had a girlfriend in Vienna.

Jakov (sheepish): No comment...

On Torture

2009-03-09T17:41:00.000-04:00

With all this talk of Obama stopping America's torture practices, I got to thinking about some of the worst tortures out there. Of course there are physically excruciating tortures like The Rack, etc. fine those would be awful. But then I got to thinking about the psychological tortures. The Sensory Deprivation Chamber would probably be the worst one imaginable. You can't see, you can't move, you can't hear, you can't smell, you can't taste, you can't touch. It's just you and blackness and your thoughts. I couldn't handle it, though perhaps others might respond differently as i'll get to in a second:

Me (inner monologue): This isn't so bad... (beat).... AHHHHHH... Fuck i can't even hear myself scream.... am I even screaming? I can't tell anymore... This is it.. I didn't even watch one episode of The Sopranos- oh yeah The Sarah Silverman program good idea Dan watch that first... I read about The Sopranos and its commentary/influence on American society in Frank Rich columns... Oh god, stop deluding yourself Dan you know that doesn't count... AHHHHH... nothing... I am going to die...

Rich (inner monologue): Oh cool this peace and quiet is a great opportunity for some organizational activities in my life that I have been putting off for the last week. Let's see, I just ate at CraftSteak, and it was tasty but not worth the price; have to add that to EatRichly.com under New American Cuisine. Also, with the baseball season coming up, I have to look into what ESPN.com and SI are saying about CC Sabathia for my fantasy team now that he's moved to the National League. Oh shit, are they taking me out of here? But I haven't even figured out my color-coding scheme for organizing Google Reader shares by subject!

The Humorist, Edition #2

2009-02-28T21:40:00.004-05:00

In the inaugural edition, I discussed satire in the context mostly of sketch comedy videos, (as this post deals with filmed content and not written content, we can ignore the discussion of The Onion articles, though there are interesting things to be said in regards to one-off comedy articles vs. comic novels as well). Let's ignore for the moment variety television programs like The Colbert Report or The Daily Show that are a hybrid of sketch-like bits and other material and feature a recurring host- they are a strange breed that is outside of the scope of this discussion.

The three basic formats of scripted filmed comedy today are sketch comedy (by which I mean one-off videos that can appear either on TV or the internet), sitcoms (by which I mean half-hour comedic TV programs that feature recurring characters, settings, etc.) and film comedies (films in the comedy genre). I will examine these in the ranking order in which I believe they fall under the current economic arrangements and culture- at other times in history different formats have been better or worse and surely the rapidly changing entertainment landscape will bring many changes to these formats as well in the future. But importantly, some of the comments are about the timeless limitations and strengths of the different formats.

In my mind, the worst format in the present moment for comedy is film. Films are so expensive to make that they must be able to bring in large amounts of revenue at the box office, and the only way to do that is to appeal to the lowest common denominator viewer, or at least throw in a lot of material that appeals to the lowest common denominator. Undoubtedly, there have been some funny films made in the 2000s, including Wedding Crashers and Superbad. But as a discerning viewer, one has to admit that even these films were more rollicking fun summer laughs than great works of comedy. Most of the comedies of this ilk are not nearly as good as those mentioned, and even in these good ones, there were simply too many easy gay jokes, porn jokes, etc. to be considered truly exceptional. Most of these films substitute their stars' charisma and natural comic abilities for clever situations and witty dialogue- many of the Apatow ones are in fact largely improvised on set. To be sure, there have been fantastic film comedies in the past, from Annie Hall and other Woody Allen gems in the '70s to The Big Lebowski and Swingers in the '90s. But it seems that the independent film scene, which was so vibrant in the '90s, has calcified into a relatively boring art house ghetto in both comedy and other genres.

Film naturally as a medium sort of gravitates to a happy ending, which is often not what you want in comedy, because the viewer only gets to see these characters once for 2 hours. And the viewer cares about the characters; he sort of wants to know that it ultimately worked out for them. Whereas in television, you can have a character fail in 100 episodes and then achieve happiness/success in the series finale if you so desire, in film you have a deadline of 2 hours, making that particular finale very important to the viewer. This also can limit the amount of experimentation/weirdness you can do in films since so much is riding on these 2 hours financially and artistically that you may choose not to take a risk like, say the "Scott Tenorman Must Die" episode of South Park. Though viewers might be willing to watch 22 minutes of experimentation, perhaps 2 hours would prove too much. Of course experimental and brilliant film comedies have been made (as mentioned before), but the possible perils of this limited time format are compounded by the financial aspect of film today, whereby a "downer" film is more difficult to market to a mass audience than a film with a happy ending. In conclusion, brilliant film comedy is completely possible and has been done many times before, but the current economic arrangements and culture are not terribly conducive to producing it. As a side note of fairness to film comedies, they have the benefits of getting to know characters relatively well (as compared to sketch though not as well as television), realistically showing crazy scenarios thanks to the possibility of high budgets and filming in any location/having high quality special effects, and of allowing for lengthy and perhaps humorously complicated plots (as compared with television)- though again in terms of plot a mainstream film comedy will likely have a fairly conventional plot.

The middle format is sketch comedy. I discussed sketch comedy at length in my previous post so I will not go into too much detail here about what works in sketch comedy. But it is worth analyzing sketch comedy from the format angle. One of sketch comedy's strengths is that it is cheap to produce, and with little riding on any one sketch there is the potential for a lot of experimentation even in a relatively mainstream setting. As discussed previously, I think Mr. Show is the best sketch comedy show ever (and was on the margins of the mainstream on HBO), but I also greatly enjoyed the more mainstream Saturday Night Live of the early '90s. SNL has fallen considerably from that peak, but other shows like Human Giant on MTV have sprung up that are quite promising. Although Human Giant is not really at the intelligence level of Mr. Show, the kinds of offbeat skits on there suggest to me that there is not that much of a limitation from a business perspective as to what Cable TV networks will put on in the sketch format, and the aforementioned Colbert Report is extremely intelligent and has elements of sketch. So sketch is a promising format today, especially with all the internet outlets that produce dirt-cheap material and have no need to make money and can thus be as smart, outrageous, weird, etc. as they want to be.

But now let's take a look at sketch as a comic format, forgetting any business concerns or today's reality. It allows for experimentation (in addition to the business reason discussed above) because five minutes or less is not much time to have to "put up with" a strange premise/character, the fact that the audience doesn't care much about these characters they just met means more weird/bad things can happen to them, and the conventions of the sketch format are less set in stone than in sitcoms or films. This possibility of experimentation is a great aspect of sketch comedy. But one of the downsides of sketch is that the extremely limited time frame of five minutes necessitates characters who are one-dimensional - there is no time to build a three-dimensional character. This fact leads sketch characters to overwhelmingly be celebrities/politicians, fictional characters from existing media (in a satirical take on them), or new fictional people who have one strange characteristic (the Kristen Wiig Target Lady or whatever). Now of course all of these types of characters have yielded great skits over the years, but their very one-dimensionality leads to a bias toward broad comedy that pervades, say SNL today, and requires great discipline to overcome (see Mr. Show). But let's for the sake of argument say sketch is being done at its highest level. It is amazing, funny, clever, etc. Yet ultimately I would argue that when you think of the funniest experiences in your life, they involve people who you know very well (whether you like them or not doesn't matter). And that is because in addition to the cleverness aspect of great humor, there is a sort of emotional/human component that involves your understanding of a three-dimensional human being and his/her personality, and how this piece of dialogue or action relates to that person's personality and worldview. I will discuss some examples in the sitcom section below, but suffice it to say that in sketch, you are dealing with one-dimensional characters that lack that sort of extra human element of personality and emotions, and this is a disadvantage of the format relative to film and sitcoms. You sometimes see a recurring character in multiple sketches, and these extra exposures sometimes allow the characters to become three-dimensional (though not always).

Finally, there are televised sitcoms. Let me begin by saying that sitcoms have traditionally been a terrible medium- boring, milquetoast, predictable, middlebrow. But from the '90s to the '00s, the sitcom has had a rebirth both in America and in England, and now is in my opinion the best comic format. From a business perspective, sitcoms are less expensive than films, which means that on the macro level of the show, more risks can be taken. Moreover, there are now several outlets such as HBO, Showtime and Comedy Central that are both relatively mainstream and have a business model that allows them take risks in terms of comedy (British TV has several quality channels and has less of a business-perspective because it is state-run). Shows like Curb Your Enthusiasm or Extras, which are very financially successful, have a level of intelligence to their comedy that just seems impossible to do in a financially viable way in film today because of the inability to play to a (quite substantial!) niche educated audience and make money in movies. The TV audience is more fractured than the film audience, and TV costs less, which allows for smarter comedy targeted at a smarter audience. Even mainstream networks such as NBC and FOX program smart sitcoms like 30 Rock and The Office and Arrested Development that are critically acclaimed and are hits among the smart set, and do fine financially though are not commercial juggernauts like Everybody Loves Raymond. And as with sketch, each 22-minute episode of a TV program is not nearly as important financially as a 2 hour film, which allows for more experimentation in terms of weirdness and unhappy endings.

Before we get to a macro perspective on sitcoms, a brief history lesson is in order. It seems to me that the two primary reasons most sitcoms until the '90s were middlebrow were that the monolithic dominance of the three major networks (NBC, CBS, ABC) meant that all shows had to appeal to the broad middle-of-the-road, and the shackles of the three-camera format. The 3-camera format refers to a show in which all action takes place in one or maybe two locations, and the action is filmed simulatenously by three cameras (in front of a studio audience), which the editor then cuts between as the scene progresses. Think of the bar in Cheers, Archie Bunker's house in All in the Family, the apartment in Friends, etc. Having only one or two locations severely limits the comic possibilities of these characters and the people they can interact with- it was used primarily for technological reasons and because it was extremely cheap. There was also a sort of smart, hip counterculture that went mainstream in the late '80s and early '90s in a way that it wasn't before, though this sort of intimately tied into the beginning of the fracturing of the monolithic media culture that dominated postwar America. The show that first really broke from the monolithic media culture, tapped into the hip counterculture, and freed itself from the shackles of the 3-camera sitcom was The Simpsons in the early '90s. It was on the innovative fledgling FOX Network, it was written by smart young writers and its cartoon format allowed for infinite settings and infinite characters. Seinfeld also broke the mold in terms of intelligence and although it was sort of a 3-camera sitcom with most action taking place in Jerry's apartment or Monk's Cafe, it very frequently filmed on "the street" (a backlot fake street) or in other indoor locations like restaurants or offices and including many side characters just like The Simpsons. These shows gave way to other groundbreaking shows in the '90s like The Larry Sanders Show on HBO (which you all really should see). The Larry Sanders Show was pioneering in that it was a single-camera sitcom, meaning it filmed like a movie would, with one camera and no studio audience, a format that allowed for many different locations and setups. The show included real-life celebrities poking fun at themselves in a fictional world, making Larry Sanders the antecedent to Curb Your Enthusiasm and Extras. It played to a hip niche audience of a substantial size but not massive, just as HBO's comedies do today, and was very smart.

So now let's look at the sitcom format from a macro perspective, regardless of finances. It has the strength of allowing for experimentation because each episode is only a small part of the whole series, so if something doesn't work out it is not a big deal (as opposed to an experiment not working in a 2 hour film). Similarly, there is much more potential for characters to fail in various funny ways at the end of an episode since they can ultimately succeed in the finale if need be, whereas in film (as previously discussed) there are all sorts of pressures militating toward a happy ending. This is really a crucial difference, for you would not see the sort of failure one sees Larry endure on Curb, Mark and Jez endure on Peep Show (a brilliant British sitcom you should all watch) or Michael Scott endure on The Office in nearly any comic film put out today. This lack of pressure to have things resolve neatly for our main characters is extremely liberating, as it opens up many possibilities for the kind of awkward, idiotic, or antisocial behavior that is behind many comic situations. It also adds a sort of cosmic humor element to shows, as we see, e.g. Larry David go through so many tribulations to accomplish some goal only to be right back where he started at the end of the episode. Try to think of a successful comedy movie you saw in the last five years that had that element in it- not too easy. Sitcoms also allow the viewer to see characters in a wide variety of situations and interacting with a wide variety of people over the course of 100 episodes, whereas you might like characters in a comedy film but wish you'd seen them in more circumstances - and the predominance of the single-camera in quality sitcoms is creating ever-increasing possibilities for locations and situations for sitcom characters to find themselves in. Think of some of the crazy scenes on Job's houseboat in Arrested Development or even the bizarre street scenes in the outer boroughs on 30 Rock (which is shot more like a 3-camera sitcom to a large extent but has more sets and like Seinfeld often leaves the usual sets)- and animated sitcoms like South Park open up infinite comic possibilities. These scenes could all happen in movies, but now they can happen in TV too. In a different way, sitcoms also have the benefit of being such a length that they have some 'breathing room.' Whereas in a 2 hour movie or a four minute sketch, there are a lot of time pressures to cram something crazy or important (plotwise) into every scene, any given scene in a 22 minute show that is part of a 100 episode series can afford to take its time a little and let the characters breathe.

I want to finally get back to this idea about how knowing three-dimensional characters adds an extra element of humor lacking in sketches. Think of Liz Lemon in 30 Rock wearing a t-shirt promoting "The Benefit For Pediatric Restless Leg Syndrome" and then offhandedly telling the do-gooder Jon Hamm love interest character that she "forgot I was even wearing this thing, I have so many charity T-Shirts..." This scene is funny because we know that Liz Lemon is actually quite a selfish character who doesn't do charity work and is putting on an elaborate, badly performed ruse because she is desperate to date Jon Hamm. The fact that we know Liz and her trouble with men and her thinking she supports good causes but never doing anything for them makes this a funny scene beyond what is just being said. Or think of the episode of Curb in which Larry gets into trouble with a maitre d after he does not "stop and chat" with him on the street. First of all, you would probably not find that kind of precise, minute social commentary in a sketch or a film because of the time constraints. Secondly, much of the humor comes from our understanding of Larry as a guy who does not put up with social graces he doesn't agree with but still sort of craves affection from those around him and does not understand why he doesn't receive it. In these and many other examples, scenes that are not only funny to watch on the level of cleverness also have an extra level of humor to them from our understanding of these characters' three-dimensional personalities, needs and insecurities. As with any art form, there is a fundamental aspect of "why do I care about these people?" that sitcoms satisfy more than sketches or films, which to differing degrees do not allow for us to know/care about the characters as well as sitcoms do. In big ensemble casts like Seinfeld and The Office and The Simpsons, the recurring side characters become well-formed personalities as well, so that you really understand Newman or Dwight or Moe and get the subtle humor in their interactions with the world at large.

So that's the situation as it stands right now from my perspective. Could things change in the entertainment business to alter the rankings? Certainly. But it is important to keep note of the structural aspects of each format as well, since they are pretty immutable. Until new hybrid forms of film/TV/sketch arise...

KGB ski lift

2009-02-24T15:13:00.003-05:00

INT. KGB Offices, New York Bureau-
KGB Supervisor is speaking to KGB Officer Boris Lubov.

KGB Supervisor (thick Russian accent): Bond izz on ze top of Jiminy Peak, ze ski mountain. Your mission eez to keel heem. Now go!

EXT. JIMINY PEAK SKI RESORT, SKI LIFT
(KGB Officer Boris Lubov, who is a single, boards the three-person lift with a middle-aged couple, Dave and Sue Beauregard. Dave sits in the middle. The chair lift begins to move upward)
(beat)
Dave (Boston accent): Whooooweee- cold today, huh?
(Lubov grunts in agreement. He is focused on the mission)
Dave: So whereabouts do you live, my friend? The wife and I are from Medford, Mass. 'Bout 15 minutes outside a Boston.
Lubov (recalling from his case file): Parseeppany, New Juhrsey.
Dave (turns to wife): Sue, did ya hear that- Parsippany!
Sue (exasperated): Yes, honey, I heard.
Dave: My wife's sister lives in Parsippany- oh we go down there all the time. Lovely town, lovely town. Though not such a lovely sister if you know what I mean (nudges Lubov)- HA! I'm just kidding. Hey, you ever been to the Lobster Shack over there?
Lubov (hesitant): Lobster Shack? Ehh... Yes. Many time. Ze, eh, how you say, lemon butter, eez fantastic.
(Lubov looks up the mountain and sees there is still quite a ways to go. He is getting antsy)
Dave: Lemon Butter?! At the Lobster Shack?! I think you've got it confused- their signature thing is that their lobsters are so juicy you don't need any butter! Matter a fact you get nasty looks just if you ask for any.
Lubov (very nervous at this point): Ah yees, how could I forgeyt.
Dave: Don'tcha remember the jingle they have on the commercials "our lobster's better, so you don't need butter"? Maybe a little too much Stoli, eh, my friend, heh-
Sue: Honey, I think the nice man might like to be left alone for a little bit.
Dave: Oh sure, the man wants to sit here in the freezing cold in absolute silence. Totally bored out of his mind. Yeah, great call Sue. Anyway, which trails are you thinkin' a hitting? I hear Upper Jumper is a toughie but it's early in the day so the ice shouldn't be too bad.
Lubov (really mad at this point): Maybe I try that one, yes.
Dave (looking down at Lubov's shoes): Hey, you're not wearing any skis, buddy. Whaddaya have 'em up at the lodge up there, or--
(The chair lift stops in midair, still not close to the summit)
Dave: Stopped! Again! Honestly I am telling you this always happens to me. Not to other people, to me. I think the lift operators are like "Dave's on the lifts, looks like it's stoppin' time!" I mean really I-
(Lubov shoots Dave. Dave's limp body plummets into the snow below)
(Lubov and Sue are alone in the chair)
Lubov: I sorry. But he did not understand dat uncomfortable, awkward silence on chair lift much beyter than repetetive, mundane conversation about superficial connections aynd ski conditions.
Sue: Hey, I'm with you. He learned his lesson.
(the chair lift resumes movement upward)
(Lubov and Sue sit in uncomfortable silence for the remainder of the ride)

One-liner for a female comic playing to a sophisticated college audience

2009-02-19T17:31:00.002-05:00

"Thomas Hobbes once wrote that life in the state of nature was 'solitary, poor, nasty, brutish and short.' No wait, was he writing about life in the state of nature, or my ex-husband? (trailing off as the crowd explodes in laughter) I always mix that one..."

Bed Bug Scare at the Office

2009-02-05T15:27:00.002-05:00

So rumor around the office is that one of the secretaries who works on the other side of the floor has bed bugs, and we are going to have to fumigate the office tomorrow. Of course everyone handles it in our oh-so-PC way and isn't curious who it is, and says "oh whoever it is, i hope she gets that taken care of." I guess this is the way a civilized society should operate in the 21st century. But part of me really wishes this were late 18th century Britain, when the scene would have been more like this:

(Enter MR. ROBERTSON, a portly bespectacled man in a 3 piece suit. With him is his manservant, JEFFREY. Jeffrey is carrying a large washtub)

Mr. Robertson: Alright ladies, out with it! Which of you swine has brought the pestilence to the office?

(silence)

Mr. Robertson: Well then the whole lot of you is fired unless the guilty party steps forward!

Shirley (a timid young lass): It was me, suh. I'm the one with the bed bugs. I didn't know I had 'em, honest I didn't! (starts crying)

Mr. Robertson: There, there, darling. No one is going to hurt you. Just get undressed, and we'll take care of this.

Shirley: Oh thank you sir! Wait, undressed? In front of the whole office?

Mr. Robertson (exasperated, to Jeffrey): Probably bathes in her own shit in front of the townsmen and she won't bathe here- unbelievable... (to Shirley) Yes, let's just get this over with.

(Shirley begins to disrobe)

Mr. Robertson: Jeffrey, take her clothes and burn them will you? (noticing the horrified reaction of the other girls in the office) Oh come now, I'm going to give her new clothes!

(Mr. Robertson begins vigorously scrubbing Shirley's body in the bathtub)

Mr. Robertson (to Jeffrey): Basic sanitation, it's not that complicated! Wash your bloody armpits, maybe your lady parts!

Jeffrey: Perhaps I could hand out a book on the subject to the girls?

Shirley: I'd like that!

Mr. Robertson: Jeffrey, we're not dealing with the Dutchess of York here, alright, they've probably never read the Bible. Just put a big vat of lye in the corner over there. (disgusted, he stands up) Jesus, I've taken too much time on this already. You finish up. I've got a bridge game at the club! Don't let anyone pull anything naughty with the girl. Not that I'd expect that from you given your proclivities.

Jeffrey: Mr. Robertson!

Mr. Robertson: Oh come now, you big queen, I'll keep your little secret.

(Mr. Robertson storms off in a huff)
Mr. Robertson (muttering to himself): Cleaning vermin off these swine... I went to Oxford... I should've been a barrister... Harrison's a barrister... he spends his days writing and reading like a proper gentleman...

The Humorist, an occasional series

2009-02-02T00:49:00.002-05:00

This begins an occasional series in which I, Dan, one of the foremost comic voices of our times, expound upon what makes various comic works of interest to the general public either funny or not funny, and on comedy in general.

Let me begin with some remarks on satire, which is a form of comedy to which I am particularly drawn. A later post will discuss narrative television/film, but this post concerns more sketch/variety/internet videos/The Onion kind of stuff. Satire, broadly speaking, presents some slightly altered version of the real world in a humorous way that usually sheds light on/pokes fun at some aspect of the real world. In my mind, the best satire knows its target very well, and presents its form of an alternative universe in a relatively deadpan way, as if what we are watching is not an alternate reality but actual reality. But to this (and I've only recently realized this as a general principle), you have to add an element of the absurd in some character(s).

Straight satire that nails the tone of a subject but is relatively dry and lacks heightened absurdity in any of its characters will be very funny though ultimately not brilliantly hilarious. In this category I would place the Onion News Network (sorry Nostradamus I know you are a huge fan). It is very funny but if you watch a solid piece like this, the reporter ultimately is not that absurd. Much absurdity comes from characters being delusional or acting in some way against the prevailing expectations of the audience. This anchor person is saying funny, out there things, but ultimately the performance does not convey enough absurdity, and reads a little dry. That being said, it is extremely well written and nails the 'knowing your subject' and 'deadpan' aspects of satire, which make it quite funny nonetheless.

Horrific 120-Car Pileup A Sad Reminder Of Princess Dianaâ��s Death

Speaking of The Onion, in print form, the most brilliant satirical pieces of The Onion add that element of the absurd to the usual 'knowing your subject' and 'deadpan' elements that many funny but not brilliant pieces possess. Compare this brilliant piece to this merely quite funny piece to see the difference (note: most of the humor in these things can be gleaned from the headline and picture). That headline "Rumsfeld looking forward to Secretary's Day" and the picture of Rumsfeld gleefully reading a card are not only presented in a deadpan way, but also are just patently absurd. Imagining Rumsfeld in this situation is hilarious, because it is so far from our expectations.

Speaking of brilliance in satire, I bring you a skit from Mr. Show called Mustardayonnaise.

This skit is mocking the silliness of Dijonnaise, a product from the mid-90s that combined mustard and mayonnaise into one jar. It is poking fun specifically at the idea promoted by Dijonnaise's marketers that the current situation of having separate jars of mayonnaise and mustard is some sort of time-consuming, work-intensive burden. Of course it nails the style of an Apple 1984 type of ad and it is presented in a deadpan way that does not "wait for laughs" but rather powers through just as a real ad would. And again those are necessary elements of good satire. But what kicks it up to a whole other level of brilliance is in its absurdity. The absurdity here is they've taken the modest notion that using separate jars of mustard and mayonnaise is a work-intensive burden and taken it to an insanely heightened level. With the "Tired of being a two-jar slave" and the shackle imagery, they are comparing using two jars of condiments to slavery, which is hilariously absurd because it is so far from reality and shows a level of delusion on the part of the marketers of this product. Similarly, this brilliant follow up sketch takes the idea of the two condiment jars as time-consuming to heightened, absurd levels, buoyed by the extra joke that now we have to combine two jars of condiments that are already combinations of mustard and mayonnaise themselves into a new condiment.

This tiny problem in the real world of it taking a little extra time to use two condiment jars is heightened to absurd levels by literally having a man miss out on his entire life because he's spent it making mustard and mayonnaise sandwiches using two jars.

Another brilliant satirist is Stephen Colbert. Take this video- just watch the first 45 seconds or so,

The Colbert ReportMon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Great President...or Greatest President?

Colbert Report Full Episodes
Paul McCartney Appearance

Funny Political Videos
More Funny Videos

In it, Colbert asks various liberals whether George W Bush is "a great president, or the greatest president ever?" Again, there is an absurdity here (in addition to deadpan-ness and knowing the subject) that gives this piece its extra comic brilliance. The Colbert character's delusion and pomposity are patently absurd, and upend our expectations about what a real reporter might ask a liberal about President Bush, who they of course perceive as the worst president ever. Asking "good president or great president" would be funny, but the pomposity of "great president or greatest president ever" is genius, and Colbert's sincerely arrogant performance sells the thing. Also, it is funny for absurd characters to interview real people, as we see with Borat or Ali G, because the satirist is now upending our expectations about the real world (sort of) within the context of that real world, rather than in a facsimile of the real world as most satire does, which adds a new level of absurdity and heightens the similarity to the thing being satirized and the deadpan humor.

Compare all of this to a couple examples of what I consider bad satire. Take this MadTV parody of Deal or No Deal (don't watch the whole thing clearly not worth it but get a little flavor).

Several elements make this skit unfunny. First of all, it doesn't nail the deadpan aspect of good satire. You can see the two actors who play the contestants are hamming it up and enjoying themselves on a personal level outside of the needs of the skit; you can see that they are even sometimes laughing at their own jokes. This sort of thing kills satire because it takes you out of the mindset that you are actually watching something real, albeit in an alternate universe, and reminds you that you are watching a comedy sketch. Beyond that, the skit is poorly written and its central conceit is not absurd at all. They've taken the idea that some black contestants on the real Deal or No Deal are loud and silly, and then only made these contestants a tad louder and a tad sillier. Well that's not absurd and is not funny. SNL often suffers from a similar problem of taking a current event like a debate and tweaking it a tiny bit to make it sillier but not committing to a full-on absurd take which really heightens the disconnect between the world of the skit and the real world. What could have made this skit funnier? The actors being more committed to their roles rather than their own personal glory, and an absurd conceit like for instance the contestants asking Howie if they can have their whole family onstage to help make a decision and the family ends up being 30-people large, and he asks every single one of them what they think. Not that great I know but this is not very fertile starting material!

Finally, a handful of points about a few other comic voices/performers whose satire I have qualms with. Jon Stewart lacks Colbert's genius because, although he is often quite funny, his character (the newsanchor) is fundamentally not that absurd and he often breaks deadpan character. We see Jon Stewart, the acerbic liberal guy who agrees with us and makes quips about the idiots running our country. Fine, he says some funny things yes. But there is nothing in that setup that is heightened absurdity, and he makes too many asides that may be sort of funny in a one-off way but he often laughs at his own jokes and this all contributes to a general sloppiness that takes away from the similarity with a real newscast. Jimmy Fallon used to do this to a far greater extent on Weekend Update, which I found far more egregious.

Now let's think in this final section about Will Ferrell. In his early performances, such as in Zoolander or as George W Bush, there was something fundamentally absurd and delusional in his characters. Bush the dim witted frat boy ran the country but cared more about how cool the car he'd get to ride in would be, or Mugatu ran an international fashion company but cared more about his poodle, etc. And Ferrell committed to these performances, losing himself in the roles in a deadpan way. But now since Anchorman, he has been playing the same boorish character over and over again and it has morphed, especially in this latest movie Semi Pro, into basically just Will Ferrell. He can no longer do deadpan- you watch him and you can tell how funny he, Will Ferrell, thinks he is being as you watch the performance. There's nothing clever in these characters, they are just arrogant buffoons, but lacking the subtelty of his earlier, more vulnerable, buffoons. They're not really absurd from an intellectual standpoint, they're just dumb.

Well, that was longer than I expected. I hope you enjoy this and maybe next time I'll release these things in shorter installments.

California Exports Article I found in SF Chronicle

2009-01-12T11:57:00.003-05:00

San Francisco Chronicle, January 12, 2009
San Francisco, CA- With the national economy languishing in a deep recession, states all across the country are hurting financially. California, with an economy the size of France's, is no exception. California, with an economy the size of France's, has been bleeding jobs in all of its major employment sectors, from entertainment to aerospace to technology. Exports are down 10% on the year. But the one bright spot for California, which has an economy the size of France's, has been the Jewish Aunt sector. The California Association of Jewish Aunts (CAJA) reports that the Jewish Aunt industry is thriving in California, with a 12% increase in Jewish Aunts in the last quarter of 2008 alone. CAJA spokeswoman Glenda Greenberg says, "In these tough economic times, people naturally turn to the basic, blue-chip industries. And since time immemorial, Jewish Aunts have been at the core of our society and economy." CAJA calculates that growth in the Jewish Aunt industry in California has been strongest in the eccentric and the wildly liberal categories, with the spinster group not far behind. Growth has been split fairly evenly between the Bay Area and the Los Angeles metropolitan region, with a small percentage in San Diego. Asked why so few Jewish Aunts are being produced in the Inland Empire in the eastern portion of the state, Greenberg replied, "Neo-Nazis and shmucks who buy subprime mortgages they can't afford are not exactly good neighbors for the Jewish Aunt product line. You think you can find a decent bagel in Bakersfield? Good luck! You're meshuggenah!"

Breaking News

2009-01-03T00:51:00.002-05:00

(AP) - Zurich, Switzerland

Memeologists at the Swiss Polytechnic Institute have made a stunning discovery with the uncovering of a new Meme. Expert Memeologists have discovered a Meme in which in the early 1990s, underprivileged children at arcades across America would "play" an arcade game but actually not have put any money in the machines, and really only be seeing a demonstration of the game that they could not control at all. Jacques Rocquefort, the lead researcher on the project, says, "This is a paradigm-shifter. This is a capital M meme. After viewing hours of footage of Crazy Taxi we discovered a pattern in the routes that we determined with 99 percent certainty was not random and was caused by a computer program rather than by human design." Rocquefort says his team's next project will be investigating whether affluent white children feeling guilty seeing the underprivileged children "play" the fake game is a Meme. They could have findings as early as March. Stay tuned...

Deleted Scene from a Ghetto Bildungsroman

2008-12-14T11:55:00.003-05:00

Setting: A dilapidated classroom in an anonymous ghetto neighborhood. A mixture of African-American and latino students in the class. The teacher is white in every sense of the word. Class is unruly.

TEACHER (Yelling): QUIET DOWN! WE HAVE TO GET THROUGH THIS MATERIAL FOR THE STATE-WIDE EXAM!
(the students quiet somewhat)
TEACHER: OK. Now, we've already discussed private goods in the marketplace. But now we are going to talk about public goods. A public good is a common resource that is not owned by any one person but is rather shared by everyone in the community.

DARNELL (an extroverted African-American boy in class): Yo mama a public good!
(Class laughs hysterically)

TEACHER (trying to keep his cool): No, no, my mother is NOT a public good. Alright, Darnell. There are some abstract public goods and clean air is a public good which is a bit unusual, but typically for our purposes in this class we are talking about physical infrastructure.

DARNELL: Mah bad, teach. Yo mama bedroom a public good!
(class laughs even harder now)

TEACHER (Angrier now): NO, NO, NO DARNELL! My mother's bedroom is NOT A PUBLIC GOOD! A public good is something like a ROAD!

DARNELL: A road? Damn, son. Don't you know that a road is both rivalrous and excludable, whereas the two necessary conditions to be a public good are NON-rivalrousness and NON-excludability? Ain't you ever heard of congestion pricing? You ever been on the 405 at rush hour? That shit is rivalrous as a motherfucker!
(class laughs hardest at this)

TEACHER: DAMNIT DARNELL! A ROAD IS ABSOLUTELY A PUBLIC GOOD IT'S A TEXTBOOK EXAMPLE NOW LET ME GET ON WITH MY FUCKING LESSON!

(Tyler Cowen appears)
TYLER COWEN: Actually, Darnell here is right. Though in the past, a road has been seen as a public good, economists now agree that it can function as a private good, and the example of public-private partnerships in which private firms build and maintain roads in exchange for the right to charge entrance fees has borne this principle out both in Spain and even in the nearby state of Illinois.

TEACHER: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CLASS, COWEN!

TYLER COWEN: Did I mention that the best jazz flautist in Spain is Rodrigo Dominguez and my favorite Spanish food is arepas con carne?

TEACHER: GODDAMNIT TYLER COWEN! YOU ARE THE MONEYEST ECONOMIST AND A BRILLIANT THINKER ANNNNND YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT EVERY CULTURE THAN I OR ANYONE I KNOW! TO BORROW A PHRASE FROM MY STUDENTS, YOU GETTIN' GOT!
(Teacher shoots Tyler Cowen dead)

DARNELL: Damn, Teach! Ah didn't think you had it in you!

TEACHER (calm, earnest): Well, Darnell, I think we both learned today that you can't judge a person just by looking at him.

postscript: Darnell grew up to own a successful chain of barbershops. His column, "Scene from a _____ Barbershop," runs every other Tuesday and is available courtesy of Universal Press Syndicate.

Upside of Mumbai Terror

2008-12-02T23:23:00.003-05:00

So there is a cute Indian girl at my office but she is sort of shy. Which is why this Mumbai terror attack was a FUCKING GODSEND for the meek Indian men in my office! There are so many Indians at the NYCDOT by the way it is a veritable Delaware Dunkin' Donuts (hat tip to VP Biden).

Literally my entire day was spent listening to the procession of meek Indian men saying, "Sowmaya, is all your family OK?" And her replying, "Yes, they only attacked the tourist sites, not the residential areas. Fortunately." And then the Indian men saying, "That's good, that's good. But it's a tragedy really. And very scary. (Beat) So how's everything going at school?" --> regular, non-terrorism schmoozing/flirting.

For those female readers reading this post, this is but one instance of the depravity at the heart of man's soul. A depravity so profound that it leads meek Indian men to watch their countrymen get blown to pieces and respond with an internal monologue of "Ahhh... finally.... dees is my in! Dee chase begeens... 'I'm so concerned'... about my deeeeeck!... yes, that vas a good one interior monologue i'll give it up you fucker"

More from the Delino Vault

2008-11-28T19:45:00.004-05:00

That's right folks, our assistants have been working non-stop over the holiday weekend, and have uncovered for your listening pleasure another episode of your favorite old-timey radio show, Don't Forget the Bialys! Enjoy:

Team of Rivals

2008-11-17T11:02:00.002-05:00

There's been a lot of talk these days about Obama choosing a "Team of Rivals" for his Cabinet, just as Abraham Lincoln did-a group of officials with a wide variety of political opinions, including even bitter rivals such as William Seward (or Hillary Clinton).

So I figure that this is a good time to discuss my own experience with the "Team of Rivals" concept. It was the fall of 2003, and I was in Econ 115a. In that class, there were Homework assignments every week. And I could have decided to just sit down and do the Homework every week on my own. But like Lincoln and now Obama, I decided I would get input from other great minds and together we would come up with something better than anything I alone could do. The genius of the "Team of Rivals" idea is that the members of the team bring their strengths to the table and make up for each others' deficiencies.

So I assembled a "Team of Rivals" who could make up for my deficiencies of not having gone to lecture, not having done the reading, and not having slotted any time in my busy schedule of poker playing and sleeping for doing homework. Of course the first member of my "Team of Rivals" was Munz, who had the strength of having gone to lecture, done the reading and already done the homework correctly. Next on the team was Actual God, who had the similar strengths of having done the homework correctly and done the reading. Finally, we had some other guy (maybe Austin Allen?) who had the strength of getting Munz cheeseburgers from the Buttery. But we were Rivals filled with bitter disputes in our past- Actual God resented me for (supposedly) having brought him to the Homework session just as a way to get in with Munz, Munz resented me for not contributing anything positive to the group, and Actual God resented Munz because I trusted his answers more.

In working with this "Team of Rivals," I realized that my own strength was as "Copier-in-Chief," who could wrangle the correct answer from this ragtag group of combative strivers. Whether it was saying buzzwords like "Deadweight loss" apropos of nothing after Munz had explained the entire answer or suggesting to Actual God that "I think the supply curve shifts to the left in this problem" as a way to stall for time as I furiously copied his graph over his shoulder, I helped bring the group together and manage the gigantic egos.

So I hope President-Elect Obama heeds the lessons of my own experience with a "Team of Rivals" - hear from a variety of different voices, manage conflicts, and for God's sake don't ever, ever do your own work.

Responding to the Elitists!

2008-10-31T12:22:00.000-04:00

Here are my prepared remarks for the big rally this afternoon:

With the election season heating up, a lot of the Coastal Elites in the Elite Media have been smearing my record as a student. A driving student that is.

Some in the Georgetown Cocktail set and the Park Avenue Matrons have been insulting me for having bounced around from "obscure" school to "obscure" school five times and barely graduating. Well as you folks know, not everyone has the means to go to the famous, tony schools like Princeton Passenger Car, Truck Driving and School Bus Academy or Stanford School of Delivery, Passenger and Ambulance Drivers.

But let me tell you something, from AutoNautics Driving School and Notary Public all the way to NY Remedial Driving Academy, back to AutoNautics, back to NY Remedial, and finally to Grand Prix Driving School where I proudly received my degree, I met some amazing folks. Folks who don't need fancy schools or arugula or martinis to feel like they're doin' something important in this country.

Folks like Tom Dominguez, who's driving a Domino's delivery car out in Flatbush, Brooklyn. Folks like Janet Heller, who drives a Domino's car out in Maspeth, Queens. And especially folks like Lamar Watkins, who is a livery cab driver... who then throws up a Domino's triangle on the car and delivers pizzas at night.

So when the Phony Elites tell you folks that they're better than you, that they know what's good for you, remember me and all the other amazing Americans who are ordinary folks doing the real work of this country and making it great.

Thank you, and God Bless you, and God Bless America.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a 30 minute deadline to meet on this Veggie Supreme and the customer's all the way out in Prospect Heights.

Medical Miracle!

2008-10-27T23:53:00.002-04:00

Remember how in the 90's there used to be a ton of commercials for products that would cure a Yeast Infection in 7 days... and then it was 5 days... and then it was 3 days... but nowadays you never see a commercial for yeast infection cures. Did the medical wizzes finally cure yeast infections once and for all? I have to assume so.

Here is a video from the Bad Old Days when women used to actually get Yeast Infections:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94ntJkBV_8k

That time of year again...

2008-10-20T16:06:00.002-04:00

So I was walking down the street this morning, rushing to catch the bus, when I saw an elderly man collapse. Good samaritan that I am, I stopped and knelt down next to him.

Dan: Sir, are you alright?
Old Man (clutching chest): I... (cough)... I think I'm having a heart attack! Call an ambulance!
Dan: Call a what?
Old Man: An ambulance!
Dan: I'm not understanding you, sorry. (nudging him) Are you aware of what month it is?
Old Man (clutching chest): Uh... (cough)... October.
Dan: And let's see, does anything special happen in October? Any holidays?
Old Man: I'm really (gasping for air)... hurting here. Uh, October? Thanksgiving?
Dan: No, thanksgiving is in November. Think about it...
Old Man: I could die any second here, please... (resigning himself to playing Dan's game) Um... oh Halloween!
Dan: Yes! And so what is it again that you need me to call?
Old Man: An Am-BOOOOOOOO-lance! Ha! (coughing) Oh silly me. Jeez I can't believe I forgot about Halloween. Hey, who are you voting for in the election?
Dan: I guess Barack Obama and Joe Biden.
Old Man (clutching chest): You mean BOOOOO-rack O-BOOO-ma and Joe BOOOO-den?
Dan: Of course, good one! And what's their campaign slogan?
Old Man (really struggling now): I... can't... please call for helllllllllp
Dan: Nice try, but it's "Change we can BOOOO-lieve in!"
(No response from Old Man)
Dan: Uh, sir?
(Dan realizes Old Man is dead)
(Dan slowly backs away from the body and runs to catch the bus)

Bus Driver: Welcome to the BOOOOS! How's your morning?
Dan (shifting eyes): Oh great, great. No dead BOOOdies, nope nope. Doo doo doo doo doo. I mean boo boo boo boo boo!

So Happy Halloween from Delino and, for the last time, President BOOOOOSH!

Liveblogging the Debate 3: Cross-posted at Death-Media

2008-10-15T22:35:00.001-04:00

9:00- B.A. gives A.G. a beer which then explodes- GAFFE!

9:02- Both candidates are pimpin'- McCain with his pinstripes and Obama with his diagonal tie

9:04- GAFFE! McCain says "Fannie and Freddie Mae"

9:05- AG kills the CNN HD Ohio uncommitted voters trend graph and CNN pundit scorecard- JESUS I am going to actually have to pay attention to these idiots! We're on PBS now! Ahhh not the issues!!!

9:06- McCain's blinking algorithm is malfunctioning

9:08- That drinking game where you take a shot when McCain raises his right arm above his head stands- it's going to be a sober night...

9:09 - Love the Joe the Plumber content. Get that guy his own reality show.

9:10- We HAVE to change the channel. Watching on PBS makes me feel like I'm in civics class. Boooring

9:11- YES we changed to NBC- distracting graphics again; soothing, ahhh...

9:12- Schieffer talking about deficit- snooooze; not even flashy graphics will save this

9:14- Obama says "Pay as you go" - ahhh the Washington Post editorial board is having a circle jerk

9:15- McCain is writing his notes with a SHARPIE in all caps like a Kindergartener- MAVERICK

9:16- Tom scared everyone off with his sarcastic email

9:17- McCain is talking about cutting the budget using a "hatchet AND a scalpel" - BA suggests using a dildo

9:18- more hatchet and SCALPEL content- MEME!

9:20- McCain is obsessed with this projector thing- Marty Beckerman says, "I think John McCain is thinking about movie night at the old folks' home"

9:21- Pretty sure Obama's drawing penises with that Uniball

9:23- McCain brought his hand HALF-WAY up to his head- you guys and gals out there get HALF A SHOT!

9:25- McCain is obsessed with the Town Halls. We saw how last week's town hall worked out for the McCainBot- i don't understand why he wanted more????

9:30 - Obama is joking around, he knows he has this thing in the bag...

9:32- Obama brings up "Terrorist!" and "Kill him!" "Pallin' around with terrorists" - siiiiick; he is going for the jugular. Smart of him to bring it up first and set up the frame of negative attacks on him as crazy.

9:34- What are those t-shirts at the Obama rallies that McCain is talking about???? I want to see those!

9:37-McCain drops the AYERS and ACORN BOMBS!!!! Siiick! Finally some fireworks!

9:38- Obama has a sick response where he makes himself seem bipartisan at the same time! Amazing response- Washington Post editorial board is nutting again!

9:40- Major hat tip to Tom-- "A real-time poll of decided New Yorkers is giving the debate to Obama"

9:41- Joe Biden Scranton content! MEME!

9:44- McCain's dropping the special needs TRIG BOMB!

9:47- Schieffer says "Climate Control" instead of climate change- are we talking about my thermostat here? OHHH!! What's that animal with a long neck? I can't quite remember... oh yeah the Gir-GAFFE!

9:54- Obama's never been to Mexico? Huh, I figured him for a Senor Frog's kind of guy

9:57- Schieffer is so old- can we get that sprightly fairy Anderson Cooper to moderate the second half of this thing?

10:02- Obama is showing off how much he can move his hands- good call, rub it in McCain's face.

10:06- back to CNN - JESUS is Gergen even paying attention? He and Bennett have maddd low numbers for both candidates- a total of 10. Castellanos is going nuts but this Martin person is GOING INSANNNNNNE- he's put up 100 points!!!

10:09- Obama says "one of us may make more than one appointment to the Supreme Court..." - is this a hex on Rutebega Ginsburg?

10:11- the trendlines are flatlining; the Ohio undecideds are asleeeeep...

10:12- McCain calls Obama "pro-abortion"- them's fightin' words- and... women's trendlines are dippin' - Dipset!

10:15- these Ohio undecided rabble love Obama's "sexuality is sacred" content

10:19 - (Triumph the Insult Comic Voice): "Theece computer is like John McCain's campaign- eet's on life support!"

10:20 - computer's back- whew!

10:21- good idea McCain- send those PTSD soldiers into the classrooms!

10:27- McCain with the creepy Joker laugh again- MAVERICK! McCain can barely speak a sentence without flubbing it- MAVERICK!

10:28- via BA- McCain concludes, "I hope you give me an opportunity to serve again... before I die"

10:30- we hear the mics of the candidates; sick- McCain robotically says "Good job, good job!" and then does a cute little old man shuffle that almost makes me want to vote for... but not

10:31- Cindy McCain just defined the word PERFUNCTORY with that handshake with Michelle! Ouch! So perfunctory! And finally one last... GAFFE!