I'll bring the blog posts till you're laughing in your seat

Blogger's log, star date 24 June 2005

Nice, France--

After a long day of being carried by palanquin from Barcelona to Nice, Dan and I decided to sit down for dinner and drinks at a fine establishment called Le Pizza. With our slaves having not carried us quickly enough, we arrived at the restaurant a little later than anticipated, and immediately after having been seated, we placed our drink orders. A bottle of the house red for myself and a bottle of beer for the Head Blogger. Now Dan and I like to travel in style, so for this occasion I was wearing my canary yellow polo shirt while Dan was sporting a light blue Lacoste shirt (see Blog on the Run: Barcelona for a better idea of our social standing). Upon receiving the bottle of red wine, our garcon proceeded to open it (something he should probably be pretty good at as a waiter in the South of France) and spray it onto my shirt and Dan's pants. This of course was unacceptable (and he would later join our traveling caravan...but not before something else happened).

After Dan and I had suitably cooled off from the wine fiasco, Dan was ripping off a piece of bread for himself (why he did not enlist help for this task I will never know...did I fail him as an assistant? Which I still was at this time...) when his hand went flying, knocking his entire glass of beer all over the table, the floor, and the two of us, while also manging to shatter the salt and pepper shakers and attract the attention of every other person in the restaurant. Naturally Dan considered it to be the funniest moment of the trip, but his smile was quickly wiped off his face, like so much excess garlic from a bite of broccoli rabe. The waiter heard the commotion, and after assessing the situation, proceeded to rip the alligator off of Dan's shirt and tell him that he was unfit to wear that great symbol of French national snootiness.

Since that time Dan has received an alarming number of charitable donations in the form of 1 and 2 euro coins...you figure it out.




Postscript:

While this may be my first official post on Not About Delino Deshields, I cut my blogging teeth over at Not About Marquis Grissom (marquisgrissom.blogspot.com), another fantastic blog that serves as a sort of minor league system for the major league Yale blogosphere. If anyone has any questions about my work there or how you too can get started there, let me know.

History on this computer

I'm in an internet cafe in Milan, and I'm scouring the web as I am wont to do. I accidentally close a window I was looking at, and in order to find what the site address was, I look at "today's history" for the computer. I find my site about the evils of Scientology rather quickly, but then I look through all the other sites that have been visited today on this computer. Here is a sampling to give you the flavor: www.seductive-gay-porn.com, www.seeking4men.com, www.sickgay.com, www.sexysoldiers.com, www.aboutgay.com, www.topstuds.com, etc. etc. it goes on in this vein. I take a more thorough look through the list and see that literally every site except the ones I looked at were gay porn. Then I see something strange, this biography (with photo) of former Secretary of State James Baker is in there too. Looks like Jamie Kirchick beat me to this computer. I am now going to place my precious blogging fingers into a vat of lye and hope for the best.

World Series of Poker Gold Bracelet Winner

"Weight, 105. Yeah, in your bra!"

Confusion with the wait-staff

Wah Delino?

On the most recent post by Al, some of you may have noticed a mysterious comment made by an "Adamm N." I thought little of it, but my partner (not in blogging, but in detective work) Morgan Freeman, believed it to be highly unusual. The following exchange took place one rainy night in our dingy offices:

Me: Huh, Adamm N. Don't know that guy. I bet it's just Tom playing a joke on me. Nobody writes master's dissertations about blogs.

Freeman: No Daniel, Ah checked the IP Address, it's not Tom's computer.

Me: Oh so I guess it was Eric. Well at least he's doing something non-chess related.

Freeman: Goddamnit Daniel, there are other people in the world besides your blogging friends. Think about it- ADAMM N. ADAMM N.

Me: I know an Adam L. from high school, but...

Freeman: A-D-A-M-M N. It's MADMAN rearranged. This is the pyschopath we've been looking for.

Me: And he's randomly targeting bloggers?

Freeman (pacing around me): Nothing about serial killers is random, Daniel. Everything is part of his plan. So the question is, 'Wah Delino?'

Me: Why Delino? Because it's so popular, I guess.

Freeman (now in my face): No, Daniel, your blog only gets 40 unique readers a day, and half of those are Tom checking from different computers. WAH DELINO?

Me: I don't know, Mr. Freeman!

Freeman: Don't they teach you anything in your fancy schools, Daniel? Se7en...

Me (close-up): Oh... my... god. The seven deadly blog genres.

Freeman: I'm afraid so, Daniel. He wants to kill one blogger for each of the seven deadly blog genres. Media- Nostradamus. Entertainment- That Girl. Political/Humor- Actual Rod. Humor/Political- Hidden Hand. Random Musings- Actual God. Left wing Political- Finnegan. And Humor- DAN.

Me: This is terrible. (pause) Though I might point out that Munz would have been more appropriate for left wing political, as Finnegan has a more libertarian bent.

Freeman: This is a serial killer we're dealing with here, Daniel- he doesn't make those kinds of distinctions. But yes, of course the thought occurred to me. Now let's hit the streets and find that perp.

Me: Wait. There's just one thing I still don't understand.

Freeman: And what's that?

Me: Why do you have those dots on your cheeks?

Freeman: They're called Dermatosis Papulosa Nigra. They're very common among African-American men my age. For more information, visit this website.
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Until Freeman and I catch this creep, I urge all of you in the blogosphere to be vigilant and always walk home using the buddy system.

Wake up in the AM, Compose a Post

NOTE: like That Girl's father, I composed this post long-hand. I wrote it while sitting on a train next to 2 Chinese Nationals and a Moroccan, all of whom attempted to decipher my scribblings for their respective governments, but were foiled by my illegible handwriting. The Chinese guys did manage, however, to get my assistant Rich's job outsourced to them by working for far less. So this marks the end of Rich's assistanceship- he has now graduated to the rank of Blogger, as you'll see reflected on the sidebar. The Chinese Nationals also made me new shoes during the 10 hr. train ride. Now here is the last post with Rich as my assistant:

After a relaxing day at the beach in Nice, my assistant Rich and I went for a stroll down one of the city's main streets. Along the way, I noticed a street performer dressed as Darth Vader. Now this was one of those street performers who stands still for hours on end until someone gives him a coin, at which point he does a dance. Keep in mind that it was almost 90 degress out and a Darth Vader costume is all black with a heavy helmet. I looked into Darth's basket and saw that there were several 1 Euro coins in there. Since this guy could barely see through the eyeholes in his mask, I placed One Cent in the basket.
Darth, hearing the sound of the coin and seeing me drop it in (assuming I'd paid the normal 1 Euro or at least 50 cents), bowed to me and Rich, and then proceeded to act out a complex and physically demanding light saber duel with a phantom opponent. I initially managed to contain myself from laughing as I thought about how much exhausting work I had made this man do in the hot sun for a mere penny. But he subsequently pressed a button which made the Darth Vader heavy breathing sound, and then HE made heavy breathing sounds because of his exhaustion. At this point, I burst out laughing hysterically, and Rich began to chuckle as well.

Here Rich overstepped his boundaries, and I decided he needed to remember his place. So I made him put on the guy's Darth Vader costume and act out the duel for free, while I shot at his feet with a revolver.

Coda: Now Rich will not have to suffer such indignities, and instead I have trustly Hu Jintao, whose other job is president of China or some shit. That will have to take a backseat to my every whim.

For NBA Fans

THIS IS HOW A HEART BREAKS!

What the fuck? Why do they have to play this terrible song every game?

Quick Hit

Like crack, here is a quick hit for those Delino-heads in the projects and elsewhere:

At the casino last night, after my assistant Rich hauled me there using the Fireman´s Carry technique, I witnessed an astounding sight:
A guy with thinning, slicked-back hair is wearing a ten dollar suit and chain smoking, muttering to himself as he watches his horse racing bets go horribly wrong. Seems fairly typical actually, right. The catch: he´s betting on a horse-racing videogame produced by Sega. When he caught me staring at him, he said, ¨hey man, I got an inside tip and it didn´t pan out.¨

Blog on the run: Barcelona

To finish up from Madrid, I ran into my friend Mia at a museum there, so Rich and I hung out with her for the last couple days. Mia, initially thinking that Rich was my equal, treated him like a human being. But when I explained that he was merely my assistant, she began flicking lit cigarettes at him and making him walk in the gutters like I do. In my time with Mia, I realized how aggressive Spanish men are. It´s really astounding. They were hooting and hollering at me, but fortunately Mia told them to stop in her impeccable Spanish, and that was no longer an issue.

Now I am in Barcelona, where they speak some pigeon language called Catalan. Spanish is gross enough, now you´re telling me that you´re bastardizing Spanish- I think there are species of dolphin that use more respectable languages.

Nevertheless, there is an upper class here that is quite elite, and you can tell who they are because they are always wearing Lacoste polo shirts. In fact, I was sitting on a park bench wearing a Brooks Brothers polo, and one of these upper class guys came up to me with the leftovers of his Cobb salad, and said to his young son, ¨You see Pablo, it is our responsibility to help the paupers.¨

On an unrelated point, go see Batman Begins, it´s amazing. More forthcoming.

I´m a great guy...

According to my mother, AND to my boy Nostradamus

A few phrases

Though I have my assistant/shirpa Rich here with me, I also decided I should learn some phrases so I could get around Spain by myself if Rich was out doing errands for me at some point and I decided to leave the Ritz-Carlton to fend for myself. So here are a couple key phrases:

ENGLISH------------------------> SPANISH

¨What did you say?¨ = EXCUSE ME- I´m... from... Am-er-ica! I DON´T SPEAK MEXICAN!

¨What does that cost?¨= Goddamnit, why don´t any of you mongrels speak English? Here´s a Dollar, that should equal like a billion of your shit Peso currency.

Blog on the Run: Madrid

Since I am ever so cultured, I decided to have lunch today at a McDonald´s here in Madrid. I settled into a corner booth and told my assistant Rich to order me a McSalad and a Mineral Water (I´m tipping the scales at 150 so I´m watching my weight now). Since Rich was up for an evaluation this month by the Delino Board of Directors (Me and Tom), I decided to watch him order. This is what transpired:

Rich (in perfect Spanish): I´d like a McSalad and a Mineral Water.
McDonald´s Employee: OK, one Big Mac it is then.
Rich (perfect Spanish): No, I said a McSalad and a Water.
McDonald´s Employee: Here´s your Big Mac, you fat American piece of shit.

Rich, who is anorexic, did not understand what was happening. I begrudgingly ate the Big Mac, but I beat him with a cat o´ nine tails a couple times to make sure this didn´t happen again. So I was reassured when Rich and I went to the train station and I told Rich to order tickets and the following transpired:

Rich (in perfect Spanish): I´d like 2 tickets for Sunday´s 11 o´clock train from Madrid to Barcelona.
Railway Employee: So you want 2 for the 11 o´clock to Barcelona?
Rich (perfect Spanish): Yes, that´s right.

But then:
Railway Employee (pulling something from under his desk): Here´s your Big Mac, you fat American piece of shit. NEXT!

I was a bit discouraged by this turn of events, but Rich had the idea to go to the Reyna Sofia Museum, so we went. I was wearing my baseball hat and sunglasses to remain incognito, just minding my own business, when I overheard a tatooed guy with a long goatee whisper to his girlfriend, ¨Is that him?¨ and she said, ¨But I heard he was 10 feet tall, with fingers made out of titanium¨, and finally he said, ¨Fuck it, I´m talking to him¨, and the following conversation occurred:

Tatooed Guy with Goatee: Um, excuse me, hi. Are you Dan, from Delino DeShields?
Me (to Rich): What is this guy, in a rock band or something?
Rich: Actually, that´s Scott Ian, the lead singer of Anthrax [ed´s note: he really was there]
Me: (jerk-off motion). Yes, it is I.
Scott Ian: I just wanted to say, I´m a huge fan of the blog. Could I get a picture, or an autograph?
Me: Rich, get one of the autographed headshots from your satchel.
(Rich obliges, Scott Ian does not move)
THE END

Fun with Yahoo! News

On Yahoo! News there is a "Top Stories" heading, which presumably lists the most important news stories of the day according to the Yahoo! staff, or the Associated Press, or someone. The headlines listed here are what you might expect:

"Bolivia President Offers to Resign"
"Iraq Nabs Nearly 900 Suspected Militants "
"Experts Warn of Intelligence Confusion"

Below this is a "Most Popular" heading, listing the news stories that were most often emailed. #1 on the list?

"Ringwald Mulls 'Sixteen Candles' Sequel"

Sent 916 times
LOS ANGELES - Could it be time to put more candles on the cake? Molly Ringwald said she's in discussions to make a sequel to "Sixteen Candles," the 1984 movie about the obstacles and embarrassments a teen girl faces on her birthday.


Below this is a "Most Viewed News" heading, listing the news stories that were most often viewed. #1 on the list?

"Brad Pitt Says Media Focus Is 'Misguided'"

NEW YORK - Brad Pitt is taking on poverty and AIDS in Africa — and the tabloids. In an hour-long ABC "Primetime Live" special set to air Tuesday night (10 p.m. ET), Pitt talks to Diane Sawyer about the humanitarian crisis in Africa.


Of course, the Top Story according to Tom (yes yes) was Jessica Alba at the MTV Movie Awards:

A Day That Will Live in Infamy

A message from PRESIDENT DAN:

Good Evening, my fellow blog citizens. Today, our fellow citizens, our way of life, our very freedom came under attack in a series of deliberate and deadly (first comment) Flame attacks aimed at our very own blogger, Tom. Like the bombing of Pearl Harbor by the Japs in 1941, these acts were intended to frighten our blog into chaos and retreat. But they have failed; our blog is strong.

Delino was targeted for attack because we're the brightest beacon for freedom and opportunity in the blogosphere, and no one- NO ONE will keep that light from shining.

Today our blog saw evil, the very worst of human nature. And we responded with the best of Delino- with the daring of our rescue workers, with the neighbors who came to let Tom cry on their shoulders and help in any other way they could.

Our first priority is to get help to those who have been injured, and to take every precaution to protect our citizens at home and around the blogosphere from further Flame attacks.

The functions of our blog will continue without interruption. Delino offices which had to be evacuated today are reopening for essential personnel tonight, and will be open for business tomorrow.

Intelligence reports indicate that an individual calling himself "Kingspawn" is behind these evil acts, although Hizbollah has claimed responsibility- most likely for publicity reasons. I've directed the full resources of Delino's intelligence and law enforcement agencies to find all of those responsible and to bring them to justice. We will make no distinction between the cyber-terrorists who committed these acts of horrific Flaming and those who harbor them.

To our potential allies around the blogosphere- Actual Rod, That Girl, Finnegan, Nostradamus, Actual God, even Munz- I urge you to join with all those who want peace and security in the blogosphere, for if we stand together, we can win this war against Flamers. Flaming is not just a tactic, it is part of a virulent and hateful strand of the larger Commentary ideology. Make no mistake, there are good and decent Commenters all over the blogosphere, elaborating on posts and even making legitimate complaints and critiques. But these Flamers have hijacked the fundamentally peaceful religion of Commentary for their own destructive and hateful purposes.

Tonight, I ask for your prayers for all those who grieve, for the children whose worlds have been shattered, for all whose sense of safety and security has been threatened. And I pray they will be comforted by a power greater than any of us, spoken through the ages in Psalm 23: "Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of Flames, I fear no evil, for You are with me."

Delino has stood down enemies before, and we will do so this time. None of us will ever forget this day. Yet, we go forward to defend all that is good and just in our blogosphere.

Thank you. Good night, and God bless Delino.

And the Number One Best Place to Fart is...

...The Natural History Museum. It's really loud and there are kids everywhere who are possible suspects. Incidentally, the Natural History Museum is also the best place to learn information that you could have gotten out of your 6th grade Natural Sciences textbook, "This Beautiful Earth."

Deep Throat Blog comment

I've posted a comment over at The Washington Post's Deep Throat Blog under the nom de plume "DB". It's a pretty explosive theory, I hope they don't delete it.