WPT Disagrees with NBA: Reading is NOT Fun-damental

After sitting at a poker table for five hours with a ragtag group of jean shorts wearers and foreigners, I decided I would get a copy of Card Player, a poorly written poker magazine, to read in order to pass the time between hands. Once I started flipping through the magazine, I got the sense that my reading was bothering several people at the table. I figured it bothered them because they thought I would slow down the action by not paying close enough attention, so I was very careful about keeping on top of everything that happened while I was in a hand. Nothing happened for a few rounds, but finally, one gruff Midwesterner broke down and angrily said to me, "You go to MIT or something?" I calmly explained to him that I was merely reading a poker magazine.

I had no issues for a few hands, but soon enough, an Austrian guy to my left derisively asked me, "Vaht subject ah you studying for, professah?" which drew guffaws from the other players. I again explained to them that I was reading a poker magazine. I figured this had finally ended the matter. Nothing of note happened for many hands. Yet then I won a large pot against the Austrian guy. This set him off, and he berated me, yelling, "You must get high marks, smaht boy, vith all your book reading." It was only THEN that it finally dawned on me that what was really bothering the players was not that I was reading at the poker table, but rather that I WAS READING AT ALL. Moral of the story- never listen to Ariel or any of other Administration shills (hat tip to Actual Rod) when they tell you that poker is a good way to meet people.

NB: More to come today...

blog ideas

-Congdon-related
-Shopgirl script
-Costco

Planning the trip to Vegas

Yes, we leave today. Here is our guide.

An excerpt:

Q: Where can I combine my two favorite activities -- gambling and eating?
Korean Surprise: A: any casino you idiot

My Life is a Haiku

Neighbor knocks on door:
"Can I borrow an onion?"
"Sorry man, fresh out."

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So fucking hungry.
"Turkey-avocado, please,
with extra Russian."

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Need to take a dump.
Fuck, out of toilet paper.
I wish I were dead.

Job Applications

For whatever reason, I decided to apply for a job today. But Rich, why would you trade in your cushy lifestyle for the daily grind of working? Well, I'm still not sure how to answer that question.

Anyway, as a requirement of the application process I had to undergo a 180 part personality assessment. Each part consisted of two statements and five possible answers. I had to choose whether I strongly agreed with one of the statements, somewhat agreed with one of the statements, or felt neutrally about them. Remember, I could only choose one of these possibilities. For example, one statement would be, "I work better with others," while the other might be, "I work better individually." And so on and so forth. These statements could be rather frustrating at times and I got pretty tired of the whole thing pretty quickly.

However, one thing about the whole process did interest me. As the statements kept on coming, I realized that many of them were repeating the same ideas, just phrasing them differently. These bastards were trying to catch me in some inconsistent answers! Now I was constantly trying to remember what I had answered earlier, but it was no good, as the "I am organized" blended with the "I am light-hearted" and the "I am outgoing" mixed together with "I like to be alone with my thoughts." Next thing I knew I was a quivering mess writing a blog post and realizing why I am unemployed.

Our Rodney King

(Editor's Note: This post is from the Delino archives and has recently been re-approved for posting.)

The blogosphere was hit hard this week when one of our own was attacked by the New Haven police. New Haven's High Street was transformed into South Central circa 1991 as the Actual God took an undeserved trip downtown following an altercation with an angry cop outside the Oxford Apartments. Actual God, who lives at the Oxford (something the YDN article neglects to mention), was on his own steps, enlightening the crowds with his mere presence, when Officer Mark Francia saw fit to disturb the peace. Officer Francia has experience arresting innocent college kids for no reason, so I guess ultimately we should not be entirely shocked by his behavior. Nevertheless, his actions were outrageous and should not be tolerated.

Furthermore, I think that there is a subtext to this incident that has not been mentioned. I think that Francia knew about the Actual God's blog and was thus firing the first shot in the impending war between the bloggers and the New Haven police. Be wary Kingspawn, watch your back Nostradamus, and comment very carefully Anonymous Flamer. The coppers are looking for any excuse to bring you down.

Meanwhile, here at Delino, we will back our blogging brethren 100% and do our best to prevent a major blogging riot from breaking out in the coming weeks.

Diesel DJ

While shopping at Diesel near Union Square last weekend (it wasn't for me), I noticed that the hip-hop music being played in the store was emanating from a portly African-American DJ. My curiosity was piqued, and I began to ponder how DJs transitioned from one song to another relatively seamlessly. So I watched the DJ as he played an R. Kelly song off a record, and then prepared to transition to a Jay-Z record.
Over the course of five minutes, he turned various knobs- each time I expected him to change songs and he didn't. And he adjusted several level controls- again, I thought he'd switch at that point, and yet he didn't. He was waiting for the perfect moment to transition songs so that the bass lines and beats would line up flawlessly and no one would notice the switch. After all that preparation, finally, here was the transition he made. Suffice it to say, I'm throwing out the turntables Rich bought me for Hanukkah- DJing is dead to me.

Max and the Wiz

To take refuge from a rainy Friday last week, the Delino family huddled next to the radio in our living room with some hot cocoa and marshmallows. Rich wanted to listen to the Yale-Cornell Cross Country meet, but we convinced him that we should instead listen to some commentary about the great issues of the day. And so we turned our dial to 1340 WYBC AM, and found Max and the Wiz (Fridays, 5 PM).

Max and the Wiz began with an slick anchor voice intoning, "Max and the Wiz- the show where we give you OUR take on today's hottest issues." But almost immediately, this suave disembodied voice was replaced by two lisping dorks, Max, and of course the Wiz. Check out one of their Crossfire-style exchanges--

Max: Ssso, what'sss newsss today. Let'sss sssee. Oh, a new law on the booksss requiresss PORN actorsss to regissster to make sssure they aren't children. The Wiz, your take on thisss isssue?

The Wiz: Huh. Umm. (5 second pause) Yeah, I guesss. Well. It'sss a ssslippery ssslope, ssso you have to, uh, be careful.

Max: Yeah. Uhh. (5 second pause) That'sss a good analysssisss. Although I think... (5 second pause) Never mind. Umm, yeah. Moving on....
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Look out Hannity and Colmes!!!!

"The Dominican Republic??"

Interested in working on development in

The Dominican Republic??


I saw this flyer today, but at first I couldn't see the text at the top.

"Fucking A man, right on, what is the deal there anyway"

Shaggy Sneak Preview

The bad boys of blogging were at it again tonight, this time on the set of reggae phenomenon Shaggy's new music video. As you can see from this picture, despite the fact that everyone was there just for him, he had a bevy of ebony bombshells surrounding him, and all he had to do was lip-synch to a song for 30 seconds and move around in a cool looking way, Shaggy felt VERY put-upon.


He pouted a lot and whined in his Jamaican accent to Production Assistants. Not only was Shaggy not into his own video, he was not into his own music. But he managed to hide it during takes, as you can see from this bootleg video Rich took. And now, without further ado, Rich and I present to you a preview of the new Shaggy video...

If you can't spot the secret agent, you are the secret agent

Plot Outline: James Bond must thwart a dangerous Russian spy from winning a No-Limit Texas Holdem game of Poker worth millions.

Dan and Rich pose as Paparazzi

After he noticed that there was going to be a movie premiere down the block, Dan immediately forgot his tendency to insult and belittle famous people and told me to get on the scene...and to bring my camera. The premiere in question was for the movie Shopgirl. After about 15 minutes of small-time celebrities, non-celebrities, and fashion designers (Zac Posen) showing up, this man arrived.


They called him Radio, and he appeared to know everyone on the scene, despite the fact that he looked like a homeless man (to his credit, he later shook hands with both Regis Philbin and Steve Martin). Finally, two of the stars, Jason Schwartzman and Claire Danes arrived at the premiere. They posed for this picture for me.

Regis Philbin arrived at approximately the same time, as you can see in this video. Steve Martin was next, and Dan yelled out, "I loved you as Navin Johnson!"

Next thing we knew the media whirlwind was over for us. I was able to capture one more video of Martin and Danes chatting with the press, but alas, our time with the stars was too short. Luckily they are filming a scene for The Devil Wears Prada across the street from our apartment, so maybe Dan can keep getting his celebrity fix there.

Yes, the boys are going to Vegas

For Alex's upcoming 21st birthday, the bloggers are taking a vacation. Alex has insisted that we see this show (notice the Nudity Factor) and this show (notice the age restrictions)...and that he gets a turn in the Dunk Tank (look at the bottom of the page).

Napoleon Dynamite

What is this movie? Dan and I just saw it and are still unsure of what to think. Except we do know one thing...we did not like it. There was no plot, the movie tried to be random for the sake of being random and still managed to be predictable in many parts. I think I probably would have liked it more if it had actually been funny. The jokes were extremely trite when they were evident at all. One of the few scenes I did enjoy was the milk tasting competition. And Pedro was an ok character.

This is a well-written review of the movie. Even Roger Ebert didn't like it...and he likes everything these days.

Full House Fakes Me Out Again

So I'm watching Full House at 5:30 in the morning, as I am wont to do. Danny has finally hit the big time as a sportscaster, going on his first national broadcast. But right before he leaves for the arena, DJ and Stephanie present him with gifts! First, he opens DJ's gift. Oh, great, a nice tie! Danny says he'll wear it tonight on the broadcast. Now, Stephanie's gift. It's.. some.. hideous, tye-dye, disk-like object. Danny doesn't know what to say and stands there looking it at it for a moment. Luckily DJ pipes up: "Hey Dad, what a nice tie tack!"

OK, so here we have a perfect sitcom predicament, right? There is no way Danny can wear this thing on national TV. It looks completely ridiculous. But does he really want to hurt his 7-year old daughter's feelings?

But then he just wears the fucking thing on the air and the plot goes in a completely different direction. No conflict there at all. Full House fakes me out again.

P.S. This is DJ's (well done, Rich) brother-in-law:

Leader of the Pack

When I am in a crosswalk situation with a lot of people around, for some reason I always want to be leader of the pack. I make it a point to watch the lights/cars and start crossing the street the very second that it is safe to cross. I want everyone to be thinking, "Whoa, hold on a second there buddy, it's not safe to cross ye-- Oh. Well, I stand corrected." In the back of my mind, when I execute a great cross (way before the light comes on and shit), I am surely thinking "This is going to get me so much fucking pussy."

Anyone else?

P.S. A related syndrome, if I'm walking on a narrowish sidewalk, and there is someone walking in front of me, I will sometimes start walking really fast and make a semi-show out of going around them like they were really holding me up by walking so slow, when in fact the pace was quite comfortable.

The Juice is Loose

Nostra mentioned O.J. Simpson's resurfacing the other day. I was upset to have missed his grand return at the NecroComicCon in L.A., though you can relive the whole thing by listening to O.J.'s greeting and checking out this glamour shot from the Con:

In a similar vein

How to be Alex Trebek:

1. Say, "Correct response, you have control of the board." (over and over again)

2. When someone is no longer in the negatives say, "Good job [insert name], you're out of the hole."

3. Laugh at how defending champion has large collection of German board games and say, "Ich bin ein boardgamer."

4. Pretend to be smarter than every contestant.

How to be a Baseball Play-by-Play Guy

1. If there are not 2 outs with a full count with runners on base, say whatever the fuck you want, who really cares.

2. If there are 2 outs with a full count, with runners on base, make sure you say "The runners will be going on the pitch"

My Super Sweet 16

Has anyone ever caught this show? This is fucking amazing! The moral of every episode is that as long as you act like a spoiled little cunt, everything will turn out perfectly.

Acutal quote: After her limo broke down, Amanda lamented, "This is bullshit! I have to show up to my party in an Acura?!"

___

Late edit: another episode came on with triplet spoiled bitches! And all each one of them does the whole time is try to look the prettiest! This is actually amazing. Check out this exchange:

Triplet #1: Don't wear those earrings, they're too big. You don't want to look like an idiot.
Triplet #2: Listen, I know your hair didn't really turn out the way you wanted it to, and your makeup is a little too heavy, but you just need to calm down.
(beat)
Triplet #1: You're an evil whore.

___

This show is like heroin. Next episode. The girl and her friends are making a list of people who aren't invited to her party. This list is aptly entitled "The Losers." What are they going to do with this list? God, this is like an awesome mind puzzle!

A New Singing Sensation

Meet the amazing Wing. This vocalist, with unsurpassed range, should be at the top of everyone's playlist. She is a delicate little flower that is just waiting to fully bloom. You Delino readers can help her accomplish this. For more information, visit her website and watch her performance in episode 903 of South Park.

My Mother the Media Titan

A few days ago there was an article in the travel section of the New York Times about Napa Valley wines. My mother, her mind sharpened by years as a law professor, wrote this insightful letter to the editor (scroll down a little) in response:

NAPA TASTINGS

To the Editor: I was disturbed to read that Christopher Solomon, who had received $250 a day to spend in the Napa Valley, brags that he tasted at least 28 wines in 24 hours, although he drove from winery to winery. It seems that this would cause his blood alcohol level to be above the legal limit. But he appears totally oblivious to this problem.

I would think that The New York Times and its reporters would be more aware of and sensitive to the problems of drinking and driving.

Miriam J. Haines
New York, N.Y.

You can imagine what it was like watching Sideways with my Mom--

Maya: Why are you so in to Pinot?
Miles Raymond: [laughs softly]
Maya: I mean, it's like a thing with you.
Miles Raymond: [continues laughing softly]
Miles Raymond: Uh, I don't know, I don't know. Um, it's a hard grape to grow, as you know. Right? It's uh, it's thin-skinned, temperamental, ripens early. It's, you know, it's not a survivor like Cabernet, which can just grow anywhere and uh, thrive even when it's neglected. No, Pinot needs constant care and attention. You know? And in fact it can only grow in these really specific, little, tucked away corners of the world. And, and only the most patient and nurturing of growers can do it, really. Only somebody who really takes the time to understand Pinot's potential can then coax it into its fullest expression. Then, I mean, oh its flavors, they're just the most haunting and brilliant and thrilling and subtle and--
My Mom: YOU BRUTE! STOP DRINKING AND DRIVING! Boys, we're leaving!
Rich: But Mo-THER...
My Mom: Fine, you can stay Richard. Daniel, let's go!

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For those of you interested in further reading of my mother's Letters to the Editor of the NYTimes Travel section, check out this gem from The Archives.

You've seen that Tiger Woods commercial, right?

Well, we over at Delino have come up with an answer to that seemingly impressive feat of bouncing a golf ball a few times off a sand wedge and then walloping that ball nearly 200 yards. This video features our very own Head Blogger, Dan, showcasing his soccer skills on the Sheep Meadow in Central Park. Without further ado, I give to you:

The Dan Berger Instructional Video

Reader Poll

In reading Sports Illustrated this week, I came upon an inspirational story about a football player with a physical handicap. Here is a picture:

















now the question is "Junk OR No Junk?"
You decide...

Stereotypes

Amazing line I just caught on Saved by the Bell.

Slater and the other football players are worried about a test. I won't get into the plot details, but at first it looked like there would be no test, but then it turned out that there would be. Football player says: "If we have to take that test, we'll flink!!"

Presumably he was so (read: soooooo) dumb, he didn't even know the word "flunk"! Get it? Sick!

----

Also, I have it on good authority that Rich's last post about Shout About Movies is an urban legend, much like the female orgasm.