NSA Spying Scandal Exclusive

When President Bush's warrantless NSA spying program was revealed in December, it caused a lot of objections and anger from liberals and civil libertarians. They claimed it was not only illegal but UNNECESSARY. As to the former, i'll leave that to the Perry Masons of the blogosphere. But our sources have given Delino an exclusive scoop into the inner workings of the system before the NSA spying program, and after you read it, you will definitely not deem the program unnecessary.

Here is a transcript that shows how the NSA used to obtain possible terrorists' cell phone numbers, pre-spying program, in a typical case:

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[Alberto Gonzales sits at a bar in a Muslim part of Washington, DC. He has come here a couple times in the last few weeks and has been chatting up the men sitting next to him for a little while tonight. He is drinking an Amstel Light.]

Gonzales [addressing Ahmed, seated to his right]: Man, I had a great time tonight. Let's meet up again this weekend, maybe some soccer, a movie, whatever. (taking out his cell phone) I'll give you a ring, we'll set it up. So what're your digits?

Ahmed: Actually, I'm kind of in a hurry.

Gonzales: Oh that's cool. How 'bout I give you my number, and then you call me and I store your shit. Save some time. I'm 202-365-9054.

Ahmed: Uhh... yeah. I really gotta go. Maybe I'll catch you around here again though.

Gonzales: Seriously, it'll only take a second.

Ahmed: Sorry, I'm just out the door.
[Ahmed exits bar]
[Gonzales turns to Mohammed, on his left]
Gonzales: Hey, Muhammed, my man. So, funny story. I'm on a business trip and I'm taking a bath at the hotel. My wife calls the cell and starts yapping to me about how the kids need to be driven to Little League, or soccer practice, I dunno, some bullshit. So I say, "Oh really honey, that's very important, continue," putting the phone on the side of the tub so I can just relax while she's yammering. But all of a sudden I get a call from my buddy John, the phone vibrates, and BAM! It's in the water. Phone's fucked, SIM card's fucked. Now I need to recompile all the contacts. So what's Ahmed's number again?

Muhammed: I'm not sure.

Gonzales: Really? You guys seemed like friends, so I just figured you'd know it. Hey what about your number, I mean I'd love to hang out this weekend. How's your Saturday looking?

Muhammed: Oh, you know what, I just remembered I've got a thing. Sorry I couldn't help you out. Later.
[Muhammed exits bar]
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p.s. check out Tom's debut post at The Delino Factor for Kids

A Cautionary Tale

For all us bloggers out there who think we have an infinite amount of time to produce all the brilliant posts that we have been dreaming up. Look what happened to this man.

A Joke?

I will not change a single detail because this actually came to me in a dream:

Two parents are sitting in the living room of their apartment. Their baby boy (a 1-year-old) is sitting at the family computer. The baby starts crying.

Dad (taking baby in arms): Aw, there, there, what's wrong honey?
(Dad looks at computer screen, starts bawling)
Mom: What's wrong guys, did the Pope die (again)? Did Britney and Kevin split up? Is Brangelina's baby ugly?
Baby (choking back tears): No, I just saw that Rich moved Salam to "Might Never Update Again." Why, Mommy, why?

Learn how to keep a girl locked up AND make her poop in a can...

Professor Thomas Hose, pictured here sporting a mustache, will teach YOU how to tie a knot!















Professor Hose had Tanya Kach tied up for the last DECADE!
The knots went on when she was a tender and squirmy 14 year old!
They came off just this year! A record 10 year Hose knot!

http://www.nytimes.com/2006/03/24/national/24missing.html

Culture Commentary

Blogs are the new cell phones. Everyone you know has one and they ring way too often in class. Discuss.

The Commish

I've been offered the job of NFL commissioner. I'm mulling over whether or not to accept it. It might be too much gladhanding and politicking for me. I sort of prefer anonymous spreadsheets and hitting Alt-Tab a lot on my computer. What do you guys think?

Update

First of all, there is a post imminent on Delino, probably tonight.
Secondly, so as to prevent mass hysteria and make myself immune from any lawsuits resulting from the heart attacks people will have when they hear this, I want to alert you to the fact that Tom and I are starting another blog to discuss some serious political/economic matters- not something reacting to daily MSM bullshit, but more about longer-term stories/trends. It's called Daily Kos. No seriously, it's called THE DELINO FACTOR FOR KIDS.

From the EBay Feedback Archives

Dan's dark side:

WON'T PAY OR EVEN RESPOND TO MY MULTIPLE E-MAILS. THANKS FOR NOTHING.

Seller kookykitsch ( 1221)

Addendum:

Dan ended up receiving the item from "kookykitsch" despite this harsh rebuke. The item in question? A 10+-year-old can of Crystal Clear Pepsi.

The Pepsi Verdict? It was real and it was spectacular!

Where's Andrae?!

I wish you wouldn't embarrass me like that when I'm out with my colleagues.

Text Message Love

And now for something completely different—

Below are text messages I have actually received from a gentleman I sometimes deign to spend somewhat intimate time with. Fair warning: the content of the messages will make you gag. Before you judge me, know that said companion has a very toned, tall, dare I say exquisite physique. Still, I put the question to you Delino readers—
With texts like these, can I ever see this guy again?

"For i was reared in the great city, pent mid cloisters dim, and saw naught lovely but the sky and stars. Coleridge..."
"I'm walking in phoebus apollo's rays, listening to mozart. How wondrous it is to be alive."
"Pardon the sentiment, but you are truly a bright light" (Well, that was actually really nice, I feel kind of bad putting it up here, whatevs though)
"Oh, gems who marvel at the ore..."

I didn't really get that last one either. Shit is crazy. What's a girl to do?

A Trip to the Doctor, Part II

Well, my mother finally took me to the grown-up doctor the other day. The waiting room was decidedly un-fun, so I won't bore you with the details there.

Soon enough, I was ushered into an examining room, where Doctor M. was waiting. Doctor M. asked me where I went to high school and college, and immediately after I was finished telling him, he piped in with, "I went to Fieldston and PENN." I guess some notion popped into Doctor M.'s mind that he would forge a bond with me over our common ground of Ivy League education, because he kept making references to it during the physical examination. "Your shoulder looks alright- you know I dislocated my shoulder playing baseball at PENN." "I might refer you to a gastroenterologist- I know him from PENN." And finally, when I couldn't read a prescription he wrote, "Oh that’s just my PENN handwriting."

At that point, we were almost done with the examination, but Doctor M. still had to ask me a few questions about my lifestyle. He ticked off the diet and sexual questions, and finally he got to the alcohol and drug questions:

Doctor M.: OK, Dan, I'm gonna ask you a few questions about alcohol and drugs. Now remember, I won't tell your parents, I won't even keep a record of it, I just need to know this stuff to help me diagnose you. So how often do you drink alcohol?

Me: Once a week.

Doctor M.: Come on, a young guy like you, that doesn't sound right.

Me: Yeah, four times a week is more like it. Don't tell my mom though, really she has a thing about drunk drivers.

Doctor M.: Dan, I told you this is confidential- strictly between you and me. OK now moving on to drugs. Have you ever smoked marijuana?

Me (sheepish grin)

Doctor M.: Can I assume from your sheepish grin that the answer is yes? Don't worry about it, Dan, even I tried a few doobies back at PENN. Again, I have to emphasize that I will not tell your parents any of this information. It’s just so I can figure out what’s wrong with you.

Me: I'm sorry, you're right. I'll just answer truthfully from now on.

Doctor M.: Good. Now have you ever tried mushrooms?

Me: No.

Doctor M.: LSD?

Me: No.

Doctor M.: PCP?

Me: No.

Doctor M.: Methamphetamine?

Me: No.

Doctor M.: Cocaine?

Me: Uh, yes.

Doctor M.: HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS! You did YAYO? I bet it was amazing! It was amazing, wasn't it?

Me: I don't know, I guess. I only did it a couple times.

Doctor M.: MAN, I heard it makes you feel like you're fucking king of the world!

Me: I mean, yeah it makes you feel good.

Doctor M.: Come on, gimme the lowdown. What if I've got a girl at my place who is DOWN TO FUCK. We do a couple lines, can I still, you know, get it on?

Me: I haven't really tried that. What, what does this have to do with my stomach pains?

Doctor M.: Dan, I need to know everything in order to diagnose you properly. Geez, my wife would kill me if she knew I were talking to you about this- (nagging jewish wife voice) "YAY-o, aww you insane? You're a doctah!" (normal voice) But I mean, godDAMNit, we're talking about fucking king of the world here, right?

Me: Could you just tell me what's wrong with me?

Doctor M.: Yeah, I’ll drink some shots first, then do the stuff, get some symbiotic shit going on up there. What’s a good number of lines to do at one time? TEN! No, I’m kidding, I’m kidding. But seriously, four is solid, right?

Me (leaving the room): I’ll see you later. I’m going back to Doctor Mom. There’s really no ailment she can’t cure with orange juice and Back to the Future on VHS.

Doctor M. (yelling back at me): Come back, Dan. A few more questions and I would have had a diagnosis!

Delino makes overtures to the RADICAL LEFT

Quote of the day: (after being interrupted by appluase) "What was I saying?... something about Bush, war crimes, Iraq. I don't remember, whatever." -Cindy Sheehan

Baby murderer sentenced to 30 years in prison… for stealing pizza.

Former child star Lionel Tate, who at the tender age of 12 committed his first murder, struck a plea bargain today. The sentence: 30 years in prison. The crime: armed robbery of 4 large pepperoni pizzas.

On a steamy Wednesday evening in May 2004, a hungry and Play Station weary Mr. Tate ordered 4 pizzas from Papa John’s. Mr. Tate was prepared, but not to pay the $22.87 due. Rather than greet the deliveryman at the door, Mr. Tate sprung out from behind bushes armed with a handgun. The delivery driver dropped the pizzas and ran, but Mr. Tate chased after him hoping to score some extra garlic butter.

Lionel Tate pictured here wearing a Hamburglar costume.

Prosecutors had plenty of evidence tying Mr. Tate to the robbery, including his fingerprints on three of the four pizza boxes. Ellis Rubin, Mr. Tate's lawyer, called the evidence against his client "overwhelming" and said he was satisfied with the plea deal in between nibbles of Pizza Huts new Cheesy Bites™.

“You are in a deep dish of trouble” said Judge Lazarus of the Broward County Circuit Court, comparing today’s ruling with the thin crust sentence of ‘time-out’ and probation Mr. Tate had been serving for murdering a baby in 1999.

Outside the court house delivery drivers rejoiced. “It’s a real victory,” said Ronny Baldo after the hearing. “I just didn’t feel safe delivering pizza with Terrible Tate on the streets.” Mr. Tate's mother, Kathleen Grossett-Tate, blotted oily tears from her face with some paper napkins and said she felt relieved with the plea. "It's very emotional," she said. "I'm very hopeful Dominos will now deliver."