Now normally I don't get involved in Yale College Council politics. But sometimes there's a man who comes around once in a blue moon who just inspires you with a call to action. That man is Alan Kennedy Shaffer (aka AKS- pictured below; note that his eyes are red in the picture not because of a screw up with the camera but rather because he is possessed). Alan believes in a "culture of life" and will "smoke them [unclear who he means] out", while his opponents offer a "global test" and "flip-flops." Alan is also an accomplished pogs player, a rainbow belt in judo, and a certified lunatic.
Monday, April 11, 2005
Saturday, April 09, 2005
quick filler
i was walking somewhere today and there was a kid walking behind me with something wrong with his throat. he kept like coughing, but it was more like clearing his throat, except it went on for a few minutes. it sounded like he was practicing clearing his throat, trying to make the perfect clearing throat sound.
this was weird for me because i kept thinking that i was doing something wrong, and he was trying to let me know about it, because i thought that is the only reason people actually clear their throats. so i kept turning around and seeing if he would say something to me, and i tried to think if i could be offending him somehow. eventually i concluded that he just had a dry throat but to be honest i'm still not sure.
oh yeah he was asian. that's kind of an important part of the story because i feel like asian people are more likely to be offended by something i'm doing.
this was weird for me because i kept thinking that i was doing something wrong, and he was trying to let me know about it, because i thought that is the only reason people actually clear their throats. so i kept turning around and seeing if he would say something to me, and i tried to think if i could be offending him somehow. eventually i concluded that he just had a dry throat but to be honest i'm still not sure.
oh yeah he was asian. that's kind of an important part of the story because i feel like asian people are more likely to be offended by something i'm doing.
Talking in Section
I feel like every time I say nothing in section, the TA knows I didn't do the reading, and this has been proven several times by their lowering of my grade at the end of the semester when I'm on the borderline. BUT there are always shy, meek girls (and some guys) in class who never say anything- whether it's because they're too shy or because they didn't do the reading, I don't know- and I know from anecdotal evidence that they don't get docked for class participation. That is so fucking unfair. My new plan is to not be boisterous before or after class so the TA doesn't know that I'm talkative and I get mistaken for being shy.
Friday, April 08, 2005
blog-opoly
i was in the bookstore looking around and they had 3 or 4 different versions of monopoly. they also have a clinique make-up counter there now, which i find bizarre.
anyway i did some research. you know how many different versions of monopoly have been made? over 55. here are a few of my favorites.
Betty Boop Monopoly: "This completely customized game comes with "Betty Bucks" and 6 collectible pewter tokens: Betty, Pudgy, Clapboard, Lipstick, Motorcycle and a Fleischer Studios Inkwell."
Garfield 25th Anniversary Monopoly : "Players vie to own Garfield’s most treasured creature comforts, including his bed, Pookie and Irma’s Diner. Includes a comic strip created by Jim Davis exclusively for the MONOPOLY game!"
National Geographic Mountaineering Monopoly : "Compete to own the greatest mountains in the world! Mt. Everest, Denali & El Capitan are up for grabs. This completely customized game features 6 custom tokens: climber, yak, canteen, hiking boot, rope, tent."
Surfing Monopoly: "Vie to rule and ride the most formidable surf spots in the world including Pipeline, Restaurants, Todos Santos and Maverick’s. Game features the photography of legendary surf photographer Jeff Divine."
Century of Flight / Aviation Monopoly: "Buy, sell and trade historic aircraft in a quest to “own it all”. 6 Collectible Pewter Tokens: Fighter Jet, Helicopter, Monoplane, Hot Air Balloon, Commercial Jet and Airship. Uses Hangers and Airports instead of Houses and Hotels."
i was going to add some joke here about Actual God-opoly, with Boardwalk being terri schiavo's vagina, or something, but it never really came together. maybe Yale-blogopoly:
Finnegan's Wake - Boardwalk
Hidden Hand - Pacific
Delino and Actual God - St. Charles and States
I am justice - Baltic
Papa Smurf - Luxury Tax
anyway i did some research. you know how many different versions of monopoly have been made? over 55. here are a few of my favorites.
Betty Boop Monopoly: "This completely customized game comes with "Betty Bucks" and 6 collectible pewter tokens: Betty, Pudgy, Clapboard, Lipstick, Motorcycle and a Fleischer Studios Inkwell."
Garfield 25th Anniversary Monopoly : "Players vie to own Garfield’s most treasured creature comforts, including his bed, Pookie and Irma’s Diner. Includes a comic strip created by Jim Davis exclusively for the MONOPOLY game!"
National Geographic Mountaineering Monopoly : "Compete to own the greatest mountains in the world! Mt. Everest, Denali & El Capitan are up for grabs. This completely customized game features 6 custom tokens: climber, yak, canteen, hiking boot, rope, tent."
Surfing Monopoly: "Vie to rule and ride the most formidable surf spots in the world including Pipeline, Restaurants, Todos Santos and Maverick’s. Game features the photography of legendary surf photographer Jeff Divine."
Century of Flight / Aviation Monopoly: "Buy, sell and trade historic aircraft in a quest to “own it all”. 6 Collectible Pewter Tokens: Fighter Jet, Helicopter, Monoplane, Hot Air Balloon, Commercial Jet and Airship. Uses Hangers and Airports instead of Houses and Hotels."
i was going to add some joke here about Actual God-opoly, with Boardwalk being terri schiavo's vagina, or something, but it never really came together. maybe Yale-blogopoly:
Finnegan's Wake - Boardwalk
Hidden Hand - Pacific
Delino and Actual God - St. Charles and States
I am justice - Baltic
Papa Smurf - Luxury Tax
Wednesday, April 06, 2005
Saturday, April 02, 2005
rip mitch hedberg: a guy who likes to boat
for those of you who don't know, legendary comedian mitch hedberg died on march 30, 2005. the cause of death was "heart failure."
from some newspaper article:
"[Hedberg's mother] characterized speculation that his death was drug-related as 'gossiping. We don't know that for a fact,' but added, 'It's not a secret Mitch used drugs. Whether that played a role in his death or not, we don't know.'"
here's a tribute to mitch:
"My apartment is infested with Koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of Koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know. I'm like, 'Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf.'"
"My friend asked me if I want a frozen banana. I said, "No... but I want a regular banana later, so.... yeah."
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
"I mumble while I'm on stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me. So he'll say 'What?' So I'll say it again but once again he doesn't hear me. So he says 'What?' But really it's just some insignificant shit that I'm saying. But now i'm yelling, 'THAT TREE IS FAR AWAY.'"
"You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a bee-bee gun."
"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You will never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out of Order' sign. You will only see 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.'"
"I was on the Craig Kilborn show, and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. Then at the airport a guy came up to me and said 'Dude, I saw you on TV last night.' But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good. He just confirmed that I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then I turned it back and said 'Dude, I saw you at the airport, about a minute ago. And you were good.'"
"I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here,' but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really.' But I wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out. So I wrote 'I rarely.. drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Stop trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator.' This letter took a harsh turn right away."
"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."
"I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said 'Fuck it. Cut 'em up.'"
"My roommate said 'I'm going to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first."
"Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand. They'll think you're cocky. Look what I got, motherfucker. This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up."
"If you lost your wallet, it's hard to dance. 'Man, I just lost my wallet. But this song is funky. Fuck it.'"
"On a traffic light, Green means 'go' and Yellow means 'yield.' But on a banana, it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' Yellow means 'go ahead,' and Red means 'Where the fuck you get that banana at?'"
"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
"I like to close my eyes on stage, because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids."
"I like vending machines because snacks are always better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes I will drop it, so it will reach its maximum flavor potential."
"I bought a doughnut and the guy gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut man, I give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut man, I got the documentation right here. Oh shit, it's at home, in the file, under D.'"
"You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast."
"My friend said to me, 'You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.' I was like, 'Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.'"
"You know they call corn-on-the-cob, 'corn-on-the-cob,' but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it 'Mitch,' and then re-attached it, and call it 'Mitch-all-together.'"
"I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but means the same thing. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly."
"This guy gave me a drug for attention defecit disorder. He's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra long attention span. People would be telling me a story, and the story would end, and I'd get all mad and shit. 'Come on man, there's gotta be more to that story. I'm on pills here.'"
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when your gambling. 'Come on 4 billion. Fuck. 7. I'm gonna need some more dice. 4 billion divided by 6, at least.'"
"I was on 'That 70's Show' one episode, I put it on my acting resume. It was my first acting gig, my acting resume before that was sparse. It was bullshit, I had to make things up. 'Acting experience, okay, when I play pool, and I make a shot, I act like I'm not surprised. I had a bad audition, I acted like I didn't care.'"
"As a comedian I always get in these situations where I'm auditioning for movies or sitcoms. As a comedian, they want you do other things besides comedy. 'OK, you're a comedian, can you write? Write us a script. Act. Act in this sitcom.' They want you do shit that's related to comedy, but it's not comedy, it's not fair. It's as though I was a cook, I worked my ass off to become a really good cook, and they say 'OK, you're a good cook. But can you farm?'"
from some newspaper article:
"[Hedberg's mother] characterized speculation that his death was drug-related as 'gossiping. We don't know that for a fact,' but added, 'It's not a secret Mitch used drugs. Whether that played a role in his death or not, we don't know.'"
here's a tribute to mitch:
"My apartment is infested with Koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of Koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know. I'm like, 'Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf.'"
"My friend asked me if I want a frozen banana. I said, "No... but I want a regular banana later, so.... yeah."
"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."
"I mumble while I'm on stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me. So he'll say 'What?' So I'll say it again but once again he doesn't hear me. So he says 'What?' But really it's just some insignificant shit that I'm saying. But now i'm yelling, 'THAT TREE IS FAR AWAY.'"
"You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a bee-bee gun."
"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You will never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out of Order' sign. You will only see 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.'"
"I was on the Craig Kilborn show, and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. Then at the airport a guy came up to me and said 'Dude, I saw you on TV last night.' But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good. He just confirmed that I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then I turned it back and said 'Dude, I saw you at the airport, about a minute ago. And you were good.'"
"I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here,' but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really.' But I wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out. So I wrote 'I rarely.. drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Stop trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator.' This letter took a harsh turn right away."
"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."
"I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said 'Fuck it. Cut 'em up.'"
"My roommate said 'I'm going to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first."
"Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand. They'll think you're cocky. Look what I got, motherfucker. This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up."
"If you lost your wallet, it's hard to dance. 'Man, I just lost my wallet. But this song is funky. Fuck it.'"
"On a traffic light, Green means 'go' and Yellow means 'yield.' But on a banana, it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' Yellow means 'go ahead,' and Red means 'Where the fuck you get that banana at?'"
"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."
"I like to close my eyes on stage, because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids."
"I like vending machines because snacks are always better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes I will drop it, so it will reach its maximum flavor potential."
"I bought a doughnut and the guy gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut man, I give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut man, I got the documentation right here. Oh shit, it's at home, in the file, under D.'"
"You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast."
"My friend said to me, 'You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.' I was like, 'Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.'"
"You know they call corn-on-the-cob, 'corn-on-the-cob,' but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it 'Mitch,' and then re-attached it, and call it 'Mitch-all-together.'"
"I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but means the same thing. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly."
"This guy gave me a drug for attention defecit disorder. He's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra long attention span. People would be telling me a story, and the story would end, and I'd get all mad and shit. 'Come on man, there's gotta be more to that story. I'm on pills here.'"
"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."
"My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when your gambling. 'Come on 4 billion. Fuck. 7. I'm gonna need some more dice. 4 billion divided by 6, at least.'"
"I was on 'That 70's Show' one episode, I put it on my acting resume. It was my first acting gig, my acting resume before that was sparse. It was bullshit, I had to make things up. 'Acting experience, okay, when I play pool, and I make a shot, I act like I'm not surprised. I had a bad audition, I acted like I didn't care.'"
"As a comedian I always get in these situations where I'm auditioning for movies or sitcoms. As a comedian, they want you do other things besides comedy. 'OK, you're a comedian, can you write? Write us a script. Act. Act in this sitcom.' They want you do shit that's related to comedy, but it's not comedy, it's not fair. It's as though I was a cook, I worked my ass off to become a really good cook, and they say 'OK, you're a good cook. But can you farm?'"
Friday, April 01, 2005
smarmy sign in CCL
i'm in the CCL computer cluster to meet a CA who is fixing my laptop. by the way, something i noticed is, you can tell a guy is a "computer guy" if he constantly refers to your computer as "this machine."
i'm waiting for the guy to fix my computer. so i was in a mood to do some sketches, and by sketches i mean the classic transparent cube, etc. i go over to the printer, and i'm about to steal some blank paper from it. then i look up and see a sign posted on the wall above the printer. it said (no exaggeration):
STOP. (huge, boldface letters)
BEFORE YOU TAKE BLANK PAPER OUT OF THE PRINTERS,
LOOK DIRECTLY BEHIND YOU ON THAT BLACK TABLE.
THERE'S TONS OF SCRAP PAPER THERE.
SO SAVE SOME TREES, AND OUR TIME REFILLING THE PRINTERS.
THANKS, DICKWAD.
it obviously didn't say dickwad, but everything else is verbatim. what the fuck kind of attitude is this for a sign in the fucking library? imagine going to a restaurant and seeing a sign: "LISTEN, BEFORE YOU WIPE THAT BOOGER UNDERNEATH THE TABLE, DO US A FAVOR AND USE A GODDAMN NAPKIN, THERE ARE FUCKING MILLIONS OF THEM AROUND, AND IT SUCKS TO HAVE TO CLEAN THAT SHIT UP, AND, UGH, WHY ARE YOU SUCH A WASTE OF A HUMAN BEING?"
and you know what the worst part is? i actually felt guilty for a (brief) second. they caught me, so i thought.
you've probably already figured out the punchline. yeah, i look behind at the black table and there's no paper. not a single page.
now i am mad. i mean, in a way i respect the moxie required to post this beast. but if you go that route, you be damn sure that there is paper on that fucking table. that's really the galling part.
to retaliate, when no one was looking i took a huge stack of like 500 pages from one of the printers and just threw it directly into the garbage. fuck them.
P.S. could someone (not the guy who thinks my posts suck) tell me in the comments section if i used the word smarmy correctly in the title? i'm not sure i know what this word means.
i'm waiting for the guy to fix my computer. so i was in a mood to do some sketches, and by sketches i mean the classic transparent cube, etc. i go over to the printer, and i'm about to steal some blank paper from it. then i look up and see a sign posted on the wall above the printer. it said (no exaggeration):
STOP. (huge, boldface letters)
BEFORE YOU TAKE BLANK PAPER OUT OF THE PRINTERS,
LOOK DIRECTLY BEHIND YOU ON THAT BLACK TABLE.
THERE'S TONS OF SCRAP PAPER THERE.
SO SAVE SOME TREES, AND OUR TIME REFILLING THE PRINTERS.
THANKS, DICKWAD.
it obviously didn't say dickwad, but everything else is verbatim. what the fuck kind of attitude is this for a sign in the fucking library? imagine going to a restaurant and seeing a sign: "LISTEN, BEFORE YOU WIPE THAT BOOGER UNDERNEATH THE TABLE, DO US A FAVOR AND USE A GODDAMN NAPKIN, THERE ARE FUCKING MILLIONS OF THEM AROUND, AND IT SUCKS TO HAVE TO CLEAN THAT SHIT UP, AND, UGH, WHY ARE YOU SUCH A WASTE OF A HUMAN BEING?"
and you know what the worst part is? i actually felt guilty for a (brief) second. they caught me, so i thought.
you've probably already figured out the punchline. yeah, i look behind at the black table and there's no paper. not a single page.
now i am mad. i mean, in a way i respect the moxie required to post this beast. but if you go that route, you be damn sure that there is paper on that fucking table. that's really the galling part.
to retaliate, when no one was looking i took a huge stack of like 500 pages from one of the printers and just threw it directly into the garbage. fuck them.
P.S. could someone (not the guy who thinks my posts suck) tell me in the comments section if i used the word smarmy correctly in the title? i'm not sure i know what this word means.
The Pope Speaks
The major media have reported that Pope John Paul II can no longer speak as he lies on his deathbed. But here at Not About Delino DeShields, I was granted an exclusive interview with His Holiness. Below is a partial transcript:
Dan: Do you have any regrets, Your Holiness?
Pope: No, my son. I have lived a full and eventful life in which I have brought joy and happiness to millions and worked to better the lives of those most in need. Now it is time to meet my maker.
Dan: That's nice. But I guess what I'm getting at is that you don't have a blog.
Pope: Blog?
Dan: It's a web page where you can put your opinions, amusing anecdotes, anything you want- for the whole internet to read.
Pope (weeping): Oh that is what I've been waiting for my whole life. The people, they want me to make important speeches- but sometimes I just have a funny idea and I want to share it but I have no forum to do so. So my son, I have one final wish: that you publish my amusing idea on your blog.
Dan: Well, let me hear it.
Pope (a little more animated): OK, so imagine Me on the MTV Cribs TV program... "'Sup y'all? Here's my car -- the pope-mobile. Bullet-proof glass of course. Now my crib has this dope Sound System - a 27,000 foot tall organ. Neighbors never complain though. Guess I got 'nuff respect. Prolly cause I can send them to Eternal Damnation and all." Pretty good- eh, eh (the pope attempts to nudge me but can't quite reach)
Dan: Yeah... I've gotta say that's not really funny enough for NotAboutDelinoDeShields. It's kind of hackneyed.
Pope: Come on, it's not that bad. The part about the neighbors...
Dan (shrugging and showing Pope his palms in a "what can I do" gesture) leaves
Dan: Do you have any regrets, Your Holiness?
Pope: No, my son. I have lived a full and eventful life in which I have brought joy and happiness to millions and worked to better the lives of those most in need. Now it is time to meet my maker.
Dan: That's nice. But I guess what I'm getting at is that you don't have a blog.
Pope: Blog?
Dan: It's a web page where you can put your opinions, amusing anecdotes, anything you want- for the whole internet to read.
Pope (weeping): Oh that is what I've been waiting for my whole life. The people, they want me to make important speeches- but sometimes I just have a funny idea and I want to share it but I have no forum to do so. So my son, I have one final wish: that you publish my amusing idea on your blog.
Dan: Well, let me hear it.
Pope (a little more animated): OK, so imagine Me on the MTV Cribs TV program... "'Sup y'all? Here's my car -- the pope-mobile. Bullet-proof glass of course. Now my crib has this dope Sound System - a 27,000 foot tall organ. Neighbors never complain though. Guess I got 'nuff respect. Prolly cause I can send them to Eternal Damnation and all." Pretty good- eh, eh (the pope attempts to nudge me but can't quite reach)
Dan: Yeah... I've gotta say that's not really funny enough for NotAboutDelinoDeShields. It's kind of hackneyed.
Pope: Come on, it's not that bad. The part about the neighbors...
Dan (shrugging and showing Pope his palms in a "what can I do" gesture) leaves
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