Separated at Birth #6

Continuing with the theme of my friends' parents, here is one: my friend Mike's dad Bruce Southworth AND James Nichols, brother of Oklahoma City bomber Terry Nichols and conspiracy theorist/gun nut.

Bruce Southworth

James Nichols

New Ben and Jerry's Flavor

This just in, Ben and Jerry's is introducing a new ice cream flavor called "Berry Terri." The description on the website reads:

The raspberries and blueberries in Berry Terri help make this flavor super. But we can't divulge the ultimate secret source of Berry Terri's greatness. All we can say is that, of the majorly cool ingredients involved, the key player behind Berry Terri's awesomeness just happens to have been in a Persistent Vegetative State. And you'd expect to find this secret ingredient at "ASH"ley's, but you'll only find it at B & J's. Enjoy!



Hat tip to actual god.

AKS robbed

My pony AKS lost the YCC election to some tool box who the YDN endorsed. I think there were severe irregularities in the voting, and I don't trust the electronic voting. Also, there was voter intimidation, especially of blacks. There was also voter intimidation of whites by blacks, as when I saw a black person wearing a "Syverud for President" button walk by when I was casting my vote, which was extremely intimidating. And AKS only lost by a margin of 56% to 15% - this is just too close to call. For all these reasons, I demand a recount. If Andrew Cedar or any of those YCC punks tell me that they can't have a recount because the bylaws won't allow it, I will tell him, like the fat negress Congresswomen in the beginning of Fahrenheit 9/11 told Al Gore, "Ah don't care about yo laws, Mistah Presahdent! Me and mah constituents was disenfranchised!" I would also add, as I'm sure these fine women meant to say, "Also, we need to put a cap on de price o' biscuits at Popeye's! 50 cent fo two biscuits?! It's criminal!"

The Pundits

Oooh, the Pundits, those lovable pranksters are at it again, turning cross campus into a Monopoly board and playing life-size Pac-Man in the library. What will these masters of hijinx do next? May I suggest murdering all of the professors for classes in which I have papers due? And then committing hari-kari. That would truly be an all-time great prank.

New Haven Urban Renewal

While leafing through some books at the bookstore, I noticed a volume called "The Hidden Terror Network in America." In it, I read that Al Qaeda sleeper cells are all over America, from San Franciso to Chicago to New York. Even Rahleigh, NC has an Al Qaeda sleeper cell. But conspicuously absent from the list was New Haven, CT. Sure, New Haven has gone through a good period of downtown revival and has some pharmaceutical companies lining up to move here, but if it doesn't have an Al Qaeda sleeper cell, it'll always be a second-rate city. Thriving downtown, Professional sports team, Al Qaeda sleeper cell- that's the progression of a great American city.

Debate Tournament

Actual God and I made it out to the National Tournament of the American Parliamentary Debate Association at Wesleyan. In terms of body types, let's say that the typical non-official debate probably went something like "Our case: Wendy's has the best dollar menu. Point number 1- No other fast-food chain has either Baked Potato OR homestyle chili. Subpoint number 1- The baked potato comes with sour cream AND chives, so don't worry about it tasting too healthy..."

In terms of specific debaters, the most entertaining team (you debate in teams of two) was a duo from Cornell named Justin Berkowitz and Robbie Glunt (pictured below). These kids were villains straight out of Mighty Ducks 3, just the ultimate evil smug assholes who you instinctively root against. Berkowitz was actually also very much like the lawyer for the tobacco companies in countless movies, and actually may have turned me into an anti-semite. If the neo-nazis wanted to run an ad proclaiming all that is wrong with the Jews, it would star Berkowitz. First of all, look at him he is such a greasy Jew and he kind of looks like Alfred E. Newman of MAD magazine fame. Second, he is a smug, arrogant kid who thinks he owns the world and probably does because of the Zionists.
But Glunt was the true star, wearing a tan sports coat and sunglasses perched on his head as he ripped opponents to shreds (NOTE: I feel he actually cheated to win and that our boys Ariel and Chilton should have won, but that's another issue). A typical Glunt statement, "Well I would argue against their case... except that THESE MORONS ARE ARGUING THE SAME CASE WE ARE," or when Ariel made an offhand joke about the government not protecting you from wind, Glunt replied, "Huh, the government doesn't protect you from wind? I'm just wondering then what my intellectually challenged opponents would say about a little organization called FEMA WHICH PROVIDES AID WHEN THERE'S A GODDAMNED HURRICANE!" The greatest quote from Glunt, however, was when someone mentioned that Berkowitz might be disqualified for something he said, and Glunt says totally seriously, "Whatever, I'll go Ironman [debate alone]. Wouldn't be the first time."

In conclusion, evil companies and the Republican Party should really get little demagogues like Glunt and Berkowitz to be their spokespeople. AND Actual God and I are discussing a TV show in which celebrities from Janeane Garofalo to George W. Bush to Terri Schaivo present their stances on issues and then Glunt tears their arguments to shreds. A typical episode:

Bush (grinning): Social Security is going to be bankrupt in 2042. That's why we need private accounts, to save for a better future.

Glunt: Look at you. Did you even tie that tie yourself? You're pathetic. Now as to your first point, the Office of Budget Management clearly shows that Social Security will not run out until 2104, which you would know if you could read. As to your second point, "private accounts" are too vague of a term, you need to clarify are these "carve-out" or "add-on" accounts? Forget it, you wouldn't know the difference anyway. You want a lollipop, Li'l Georgie? Now my counterproposal is a 2% decrease in benefits for the top 43.8% of income earners, and a 4.6% increase in payroll taxes for the top 5.4% of income earners. This would balance out the current shortfall and even provide a small surplus in case of future economic crises. Oh, Georgie I'm probably getting ahead of you, let me explain it to you in a way you can understand- (Elmer fudd voice) "Wich people wike you pay a wittle more and get back a wittle wess." Your response?

Bush (holding back tears): uh... ownership society.

Glunt: My sorry excuse for an opponent can't even come up with a legally valid definition of the term "ownership society." Case closed, dumbass.

Bush (now bawling): Ya beat me GLUNT-Y! Ya beat me.
(Bush goes to shake Glunt's hand)
(Glunt puts his hand out then takes it away before Bush can shake it, instead running it through his hair)

Glunt: Get a hold of yourself, you little bitch. Next opponent!

Robbie Glunt

Justin Berkowitz