Leader of the Pack

When I am in a crosswalk situation with a lot of people around, for some reason I always want to be leader of the pack. I make it a point to watch the lights/cars and start crossing the street the very second that it is safe to cross. I want everyone to be thinking, "Whoa, hold on a second there buddy, it's not safe to cross ye-- Oh. Well, I stand corrected." In the back of my mind, when I execute a great cross (way before the light comes on and shit), I am surely thinking "This is going to get me so much fucking pussy."

Anyone else?

P.S. A related syndrome, if I'm walking on a narrowish sidewalk, and there is someone walking in front of me, I will sometimes start walking really fast and make a semi-show out of going around them like they were really holding me up by walking so slow, when in fact the pace was quite comfortable.

The Juice is Loose

Nostra mentioned O.J. Simpson's resurfacing the other day. I was upset to have missed his grand return at the NecroComicCon in L.A., though you can relive the whole thing by listening to O.J.'s greeting and checking out this glamour shot from the Con:

In a similar vein

How to be Alex Trebek:

1. Say, "Correct response, you have control of the board." (over and over again)

2. When someone is no longer in the negatives say, "Good job [insert name], you're out of the hole."

3. Laugh at how defending champion has large collection of German board games and say, "Ich bin ein boardgamer."

4. Pretend to be smarter than every contestant.

How to be a Baseball Play-by-Play Guy

1. If there are not 2 outs with a full count with runners on base, say whatever the fuck you want, who really cares.

2. If there are 2 outs with a full count, with runners on base, make sure you say "The runners will be going on the pitch"

My Super Sweet 16

Has anyone ever caught this show? This is fucking amazing! The moral of every episode is that as long as you act like a spoiled little cunt, everything will turn out perfectly.

Acutal quote: After her limo broke down, Amanda lamented, "This is bullshit! I have to show up to my party in an Acura?!"

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Late edit: another episode came on with triplet spoiled bitches! And all each one of them does the whole time is try to look the prettiest! This is actually amazing. Check out this exchange:

Triplet #1: Don't wear those earrings, they're too big. You don't want to look like an idiot.
Triplet #2: Listen, I know your hair didn't really turn out the way you wanted it to, and your makeup is a little too heavy, but you just need to calm down.
(beat)
Triplet #1: You're an evil whore.

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This show is like heroin. Next episode. The girl and her friends are making a list of people who aren't invited to her party. This list is aptly entitled "The Losers." What are they going to do with this list? God, this is like an awesome mind puzzle!

A New Singing Sensation

Meet the amazing Wing. This vocalist, with unsurpassed range, should be at the top of everyone's playlist. She is a delicate little flower that is just waiting to fully bloom. You Delino readers can help her accomplish this. For more information, visit her website and watch her performance in episode 903 of South Park.

My Mother the Media Titan

A few days ago there was an article in the travel section of the New York Times about Napa Valley wines. My mother, her mind sharpened by years as a law professor, wrote this insightful letter to the editor (scroll down a little) in response:

NAPA TASTINGS

To the Editor: I was disturbed to read that Christopher Solomon, who had received $250 a day to spend in the Napa Valley, brags that he tasted at least 28 wines in 24 hours, although he drove from winery to winery. It seems that this would cause his blood alcohol level to be above the legal limit. But he appears totally oblivious to this problem.

I would think that The New York Times and its reporters would be more aware of and sensitive to the problems of drinking and driving.

Miriam J. Haines
New York, N.Y.

You can imagine what it was like watching Sideways with my Mom--

Maya: Why are you so in to Pinot?
Miles Raymond: [laughs softly]
Maya: I mean, it's like a thing with you.
Miles Raymond: [continues laughing softly]
Miles Raymond: Uh, I don't know, I don't know. Um, it's a hard grape to grow, as you know. Right? It's uh, it's thin-skinned, temperamental, ripens early. It's, you know, it's not a survivor like Cabernet, which can just grow anywhere and uh, thrive even when it's neglected. No, Pinot needs constant care and attention. You know? And in fact it can only grow in these really specific, little, tucked away corners of the world. And, and only the most patient and nurturing of growers can do it, really. Only somebody who really takes the time to understand Pinot's potential can then coax it into its fullest expression. Then, I mean, oh its flavors, they're just the most haunting and brilliant and thrilling and subtle and--
My Mom: YOU BRUTE! STOP DRINKING AND DRIVING! Boys, we're leaving!
Rich: But Mo-THER...
My Mom: Fine, you can stay Richard. Daniel, let's go!

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For those of you interested in further reading of my mother's Letters to the Editor of the NYTimes Travel section, check out this gem from The Archives.

You've seen that Tiger Woods commercial, right?

Well, we over at Delino have come up with an answer to that seemingly impressive feat of bouncing a golf ball a few times off a sand wedge and then walloping that ball nearly 200 yards. This video features our very own Head Blogger, Dan, showcasing his soccer skills on the Sheep Meadow in Central Park. Without further ado, I give to you:

The Dan Berger Instructional Video

Reader Poll

In reading Sports Illustrated this week, I came upon an inspirational story about a football player with a physical handicap. Here is a picture:

















now the question is "Junk OR No Junk?"
You decide...

Stereotypes

Amazing line I just caught on Saved by the Bell.

Slater and the other football players are worried about a test. I won't get into the plot details, but at first it looked like there would be no test, but then it turned out that there would be. Football player says: "If we have to take that test, we'll flink!!"

Presumably he was so (read: soooooo) dumb, he didn't even know the word "flunk"! Get it? Sick!

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Also, I have it on good authority that Rich's last post about Shout About Movies is an urban legend, much like the female orgasm.