What a nice old man that John McCain is

At one point, Cindy playfully twirled McCain's hair and said, "You're getting a little thin up there." McCain's face reddened, and he responded, "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you c*nt."

Taxicab Confessions

The other day, in the back of a cab--

Foreign-sounding cab driver: My brozher tell me dere are over two hundred thousand jobs on Vall Street. But I don't understand- ees such a small street!

Me: Oh, no, no. Wall Street just refers to all the finance jobs in New York- most of them are in fact in midtown. It's a metonymy situation.

Foreign-Sounding Cab Driver: Ha! I must tell my brozher.

From my Inbox

From: Tom

To: Dan

Subject: Mortgage Bailout

Date: April 1, 2008

Hey Dan,

I really think we should bail out those poor homeowners who are getting foreclosed on. I mean it’s not their fault- they were duped into thinking their houses’ value would go up and their interest rates would stay flat. I say if the government can bail out a financial giant like Bear Stearns, it should be able to bail out some needy homeowners. Moral hazard isn’t that big of a deal when it comes down to it.

Best,
Tom

From: Dan

To: Tom

Subject: Re: Mortgage Bailout

Date: April 1, 2008

Hey Tom,

Wow what a surprising position for you to take! Yeah you make a good point I mean why are they bailing out the banks if moral hazard is such a problem? So a few homeowners are shielded from their risks- big whoop! You’re turning into a regular Robert Reich over there.

Best,
Dan

From: Tom

To: Dan

Subject: Re: Re: Mortgage Bailout

Date: April 1, 2008

Hey Dan,

HAHAHAHHAHA! Look at the date. You got splayed, you naïve liberal! DOWN WITH MORAL HAZARD!!!!!

Best,
Tom

Killa Chem

I was looking at the ingredients on a food package today and I noticed "Manganese" was listed. I hadn't thought about this chemical element since 10th grade, so I decided to look it up on Wikipedia. Much to my chagrin, the etymology section of the entry was all wrong.

'Manganese' actually got its name when a Prussian alchemist misheard Beneficent Allah say that he was from "Laos Anggeleese"

10,000 BC

I was talking to some of the Splayas the other night about how there are certain sort of awkward situations in which you know that what's happening isn't a big deal, but somehow on a visceral, almost reptilian-brain level, your body responds with a strong physiological response of upset stomach and increased heart rate. I was thinking about why this was, and then it hit me--

Let's say it's 10,000 BC and you are a caveman living on the open plains. You live a hunter-gatherer nomadic existence and the women in your tribe have extremely saggy boobies (hat tip to Natural History Museum). OK. Now, you're sitting on the subway and an elderly woman walks on the train but you've printed out a lengthy Becker-Posner blog post that you can't read standing up and you are averting making eye contact with her because you know everyone on the train expects you as the youngest person seated to give up your seat but you just don't want to do it. So without the fight-or-flight visceral response, how the fuck are you going to survive that situation?????

Mystery solved.

The Big Lie

Oh... my... god. I have just had my eyes opened. All of this Urban Planning shit is NONSENSE. New York City is a FUCKING SHITHOLE! Oh great let me sit on a crowded subway for 45 minutes to go 4 miles- that's what I call paradise. NO NO NO

Now I have seen the light. I just came back from DRIVING to BLOCKBUSTER in a STRIP MALL and then drove through the TACO BELL DRIVE THRU and got a GORDITA and a DP! What a fucking thrill! Urban planning and New York - what a fraud- I have been lied to by the wormsy-ocracy!

UPDATE: Just drove to the driving range and LISTENED TO NPR in the car. This suburban thing just gets sicker by the day...

I Defer to the Expert

I have never found Bill Maher to be a particularly insightful guy. Sure, if you're at Finnegan's house and he is changing into a rugby shirt for an American Gladiators audition tape, yes of course you watch Real Time - that's a given. But I generally find Maher to be a pretty straightforward smug liberal who makes easy Bush jokes. And what really irks me about him is when he is just obviously not an expert in a subject but still is very smug. He will arrogantly make jokes about the economy under Bush versus under Clinton that are pretty simplistic considering all the factors that come into play - technological change, outsourcing, the timing of various bubbles and credit cycles. I am as anti-Bush as the next guy but the economy is just a complicated beast that can't be so easily simplified.

That is why I was so pleased to open up my Sunday Huffington Post and find this piece by Maher about a topic he is actually an expert in- banging hookers! Here is the "nut" graf in this piece about Eliot Spitzer:

Oh yes, let's convene a panel of experts for that. Let me help you: because he wants to get his nut off! Stop with all the analysis! It never ends, I hear all these people talking about how powerful people think they can get away with anything, so it's a thrill, or that it's for this psychological reason or this one -- please, he wanted to CUM WITH SOMEONE!

Now Maher is on firmer ground. It is always good to hear from a connoisseur on matters such as these. This reminds me of The Onion's classic take on Maher's own mixing of prostitution and politics, which I encourage you all to read in full.

But finally, I have to note Maher's odd phrasing, "get his nut off." The Delino Krew usually says "nut" or if we're feeling particularly haughty, "bust a nut." So I looked this phrase up on Urban Dictionary, only to find absolutely nothing. A further Google search, however, took me to this Yahoo! Answers page. Here, "Answerer 19" informs us:

I don't know how "bust a nut" came to be confused with expression "get your nuts off". But it does seem to be a common misinterpretation of this very old phrase. I first heard it some 50+ years ago as a teenager. It was an old phrase even then.

Sometimes you read something that just changes your whole take on history- like when you found out that segregationist Strom Thurmond actually had a black mistress. Well, this is one of those game-changers. If the phrase "bust a nut" was already old 50 years ago, a quick back-of-the-envelope calculation tells me that it was probably around in the 1910's. So that means a conversation such as this one might have taken place:

Moustachioed Man #1: I do say, my good man, how was your evening?

Moustachioed Man #2: Well, well. Very fine indeed. Very fine. I attended a meeting of the Bull Moose Party- that Roosevelt, he's the kind of fellow we need back in office! And you?

Moustachioed Man #1: I took in one of those new moving picture shows. Edison's filmed Henry VIII- a splendid production, given the limitations of the medium.

Moustachioed Man #2: Henry VIII you say? Oh my, I must see that. Did anything else happen of which I should be aware?

Moustachioed Man #1: Oh yes, I nearly omitted the best part of my evening. When I busted a nut. It was an exquisite nut really, absolutely exquisite.

Moustachioed Man #2: Why I haven't heard about an exquisite nut-busting from you since the McKinley Administration! Congratulations, ole boy.


NB: Audio content from the Delino Vault is coming soon...

The Munzo-sphere...

...No, I'm not talking about his left nut. It seems that Munz has shaken himself from his marital bliss for long enough to bless us with some of his unique political commentary. And the post's about Romney no less. But wait! I can't find it on the Google cache now, but I swear on Rich's life that Munz originally posted this in LATIN! What gives? I'll get my crack team on this caper- Eric, you are the only one with the requisite knowledge of Google cache technology, Latin grammar, and Red Lobster jingles from the early 2000s - get to work!

In the mean time, enjoy Urban Dictionary's definitions of "munz." Something tells me that former Delino blogger Al was the source of one- no, make that both- of these definitions...


1.Munz
Internet slang for "money". Also commonly referred to as "mun-munz".
Andrés Echeverría is gonna buy himself a Flying V when he has enough mun-munz.
Dude, I'm out of teh munz :(


2. Munz
spreader of homosexual propaganda
I can't belive you did that, you f***ing munz!

An Inconvenient Truth

For many years, this blog has been ignoring the overwhelming body of scientific evidence. "The data doesn't go back far enough to know for sure," we said. "That's just a bunch of left-wing alarmists." But the Inconvenient Truth has become all too clear to us now. Carbohydrate consumptions are literally destroying this planet, and unless we do something about it soon, it may be too late.

So from this day forward, DelinoDeShields.com will dedicate itself to reducing its Carbo Footprint. Our efforts will involve some conservation measures, including open-faced sandwiches rather than traditional two-bread-piece sandwiches. Another exciting initiative is our purchase of Carbo Offsets, whereby every 35 dollars we donate funds one Peter Luger's steak for a villager in Tanzania. We aim for Delino to go Carbo Neutral.

But you know, this movement can only do so much on its own. Ultimately, the federal government will need to do its part as well. That's why we here at Delino are advocating for the pricing of Carbs. Whether it's through a Carbo Tax or a Carbo Auction, I'll leave that question to the economists - but we need something! And then we must use the money from the carbo-pricing mechanism to fund a sort of Apollo Project for alternative food sources. One promising idea involves an all-Muscle Milk diet.

Whatever the policies end up being, the important point is, we can no longer live with our heads in the sand. The gathering storm is only getting worse, and we must do something about it soon, before it's too late...

Huffington Post SCOOP!

The scoops just keep coming for Delino-- here is a piece that will appear on Huffington Post next week:




Richard Moll is a Los Angeles-based actor and playwright. He has appeared in countless direct-to-video horror films since his acclaimed role as "Bull" on Night Court.

It's Valentine's Day. I know, I know. I should be happy- my beautiful wife Susan and I are going to dinner at a delightful Peruvian restaurant in Westwood for ceviche. But NOT. THIS. YEAR.

How about the spouses and significant others of the 3,814 servicemen and servicewomen who have died during this illegal war? The 150,000 dead Iraqi civilians?


This isn't the Bush Doctrine, it's the Bush League Doctrine. Where were the WMDs? The only WMDs we found were Willfully Misleading Demagogues- Dick Cheney, George Bush, and Condaleezza Rice.

But no, we shouldn't talk about IMPEACHING these war criminals! Impeachment is for serious crimes, like getting a blowjob. Raping the entire Middle East with your missile-dick? That deserves merely a few negative editorials in the New York Times.

A lot of people have been talking recently about how Hillary Clinton being President would bring back all that "'90s stuff" we thought we were past. Yeah all that nasty '90s stuff like peace and prosperity! The middle class saw its real median wage climb by 30% in ten years. I saw it myself, with all those Night Court residuals coming in every month. This decade? The middle class's real median wage has actually shrunk, as have my residuals. Is it a coincidence that WGN stopped airing Night Court reruns a week after George Bush took office?

And don't even get me started on global warming! If I, with my 6'8 frame, can squeeze myself into a tiny Prius, I think those little soccer moms can switch from their SUVs. Jesus Christ, wake up and smell the burning planet, Middle America!

With two strong candidates in Hillary and Barack, it looks like the Dems are in good shape for November, but given the assclowns who run the Democratic party, you can never rule out a complete and utter collapse. And then good ol' Johnnie McCain'll be Pres-o-dent, and we'll keep slaughtering brown people in Iraq for "another 100 years!" And look out Iran, you're next- "Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran!"

So yeah, Happy Valentine's Day.

Other Stories on Huffington Post:
LARK VOORHIES takes on Harry Reid over Telecom Immunity
JALEEL WHITE on shutting down GITMO
IAN ZIERING takes a critical look at the so-called "Social Security Crisis"