Confused at the Airport

Huh? Does that say Hooters Air?

"Advantages to Flying Hooters Air

Easy to buy! Fun to fly!
Non stop jet service! All Boeing fleet!
One-Way Fares
No advance purchase requirements
No Saturday night stay requirements - travel when you want!
Extra leg room!
Real food on most flights!
One class configuration in the cabin - We call it Club Class!
All leather seats
The best customer service!
The same great flight crews plus two Hooters Girls on every flight!
A great experience that enlivens the senses and puts the fun back in flying! "

Delino SCOOP: Leno's Testimony in Jackson Case

This just in! Yesterday, Tonight Show Host Jay Leno testified in the child molestation trial of pop superstar Michael Jackson. No reporters were allowed in the courtroom, but we here at Delino had an inside source who gave us some of the transcript. Let's take a look--

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Santa Barbara County District Attorney Thomas Sneddon: Now Mr. Leno, since you spoke with the accuser on several occasions, you are in a unique position to judge his character. Do you feel that his accusations against Michael Jackson are true?

Jay Leno: A lot of people were wondering recently what inspired Janet Jackson to expose herself at the Super Bowl to millions of young men. Well, we here at The Tonight Show went through some of Janet's old press clippings and we think we found the answer. In a 1983 interview with JET magazine, Janet proclaimed, "My brother Michael is my role model." (waving to people in courtroom and chuckling)

D.A. Sneddon: So, you're saying you believe the boy's claim that Jackson molested him?

Leno: What else. Oh, I read this in the paper today. Apparently Santa Barbara County Juvenile Court is looking to hire a new bailiff. It’s true. The responsibilities include patting down young boys and conducting strip searches of young boys. (pause) Sources tell us that the first applicant on the list is Michael... Jackson- yes, yes. (claps his hands together). Hey Kev, he must have signed up when he was down there for his trial. [to Kevin Eubanks, who is not in the courtroom]

D.A. Sneddon: OK... I guess that means you believe the boy's claim that Mr. Jackson sexually abused him. The Prosecution rests, I suppose.

defense attorney Tom Mesereau: Mr. Leno, you're confirming all of these claims about my client Mr. Jackson, but what about the accuser and his family. That's why you were called here in the first place. Isn't it true that the accuser and his family are gold-diggers who repeatedly called you asking for money?

Leno: The family of Michael Jackson's accuser is looking for a financial adviser. Did you hear about this? Family friends have suggested some of the bigger firms-- Merrill Lynch, JP Morgan Chase, Citibank. But the accuser's family instead went with the unorthodox choice of... Anna Nicole Smith. (no laughter from courtroom) Come on.

Mesereau: You mean that the accuser's family would choose Anna Nicole Smith because she too is a gold-digger?

Leno: Some news in the Michael Jackson case. New testimony reveals that African-American comedian Chris Tucker once bought the accuser one those My Buddy dolls. Yes, the accuser then proceeded to take all of the money out of the doll's pockets and tell his mommy that the doll was molesting him. (one laugh from stenographer) (Leno waves her off) Thank you, folks.

Mesereau: Umm, I think that proved my point about the accuser and his family being money-grubbing gold-diggers. The Defense rests.

Judge Rodney Melville: Mr. Leno, you have not responded directly to any of the prosecution's or the defense's questions. But from what I can glean from your monologues, you seem to agree with the claims of both the prosecution and the defense. You are a joke-machine, a cipher. You don't stand for anything.

Leno: It seems that Judge Rodney Melville... (Leno breaks down and bawls) Oh it's true! I JUST WANNA BE LIKED!!!!!

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The Oracle of Dan-Phi

Sorry for the highbrow reference in the title of this post, I was just looking through the names of Simpsons episodes. Anyway, while my archivist Finnegan was cataloguing old Delino posts to send them to the Library of Congress, he stumbled upon this gem. Since all of the predictions there have come true, it looks like I, not Nostradamus, should be hailed for my skills of prognostication. Let's just hope the 2006 prediction pans out like the rest of them.

Weed

WeedWeedWeedWeedWeed

-jeopardy, "i'm sorry, what we were looking for there was, "who is WeedWeed..."

The Hardest Working Man in Show Business Award

The Hardest Working Man in Show Business Award goes to Nostradamus, who finds the time not only to blog every day, but also to comment on all the blogs in our "ring" and to play a mean bass guitar. The runner up was of course famed celebrity impersonator RICH LITTLE.

Now there are several ridiculous things about Rich Little's web page. First of all, half of the celebrities he impersonates are dead or irrelevant to anyone under the age of 70. I'm sure people stop Rich on the street all the time and say, "Do Perry Como! No, wait, actually do W.C. Fields!" Also, although he says the catch phrases of the bigger celebrities, like John F. Kennedy's "I am, uh, John Kennedy. Ask nawt what yoar country can do for you, but what you can do for yoar country," for lesser ones like Robert F. Kennedy, he just comments on the person's voice--"I am, eh, Robuht Kennedy. My voice is, eh, a little bit softah than my brothah's"-- real imaginitive, Rich. Then there's the fact that some of his impersonations are just awful, like the Danny DeVito or the Rodney Dangerfield-- they sound like my dad trying to do a funny voice for me when I was five.
Finally, the coup de gras, Rich Little's (almost) one-man play, The Presidents. The description's "money quote" [Finnegan has me in a full nelson and is making me write in geeky BlogSpeak]:

In this poignant drama, Little becomes, with uncanny accuracy, all nine presidents from John F. Kennedy to George W. Bush.

Insightful, touching, and at times hilarious, this theatrical journey through America's last forty years preserves a deep respect for the Oval Office, while dramatically reflecting changes in our country, our culture and ourselves.

Not an Onion article

Lion Mutilates 42 Midgets in Cambodian Ring-Fight

In particular, check out the caption under the picture, which reads (I'm not making this up):
"An African Lion much like this is responsible for the death of 28 Cambodian Midgets"

From reading the article it seems that since no cameras were allowed in the coliseum, the good people at BBC just tacked on a photo of some random lion, presumably to remind the reader what a lion looks like.

Why don't they have a photo of a group of midgets next to the photo of a lion. Would kind of fill out the article. "Midgets much like these were mutilated by an African lion much like that."
And then maybe a photograph of a map of Cambodia. "It all took place in a country much like this."

While i'm riffing here, this hardly seems fair to the lion chosen. I mean, if my picture was in the paper for mutilating 42 midgets, I'm pretty sure my mom would be pretty angry with me. Well, not angry. Just disappointed.

Poor Noah

So I'm at the local Indian casino today and I run into a guy who hosts a private poker game that I play in when I am down in South Florida. We get to talking about how the game has not been going very often these days. To explain why, he says something like this, "Well, blah blah has been busy with work, so and so is tapped out, Noah's dead.."

He was very cavalier as he said this last bit, as if he were exaggerating to indicate the fact that he is never around anymore. Like if someone asked "Where has Tom been, he never parties anymore" and I reply "Yeah, well he's been really depressed about never having sex again, and he has a lot of computers to fix,"

and I think I got side-tracked here, but you get my drift anyway. So I'm about to chuckle here, and then I realize that Noah was actually the oldest guy playing in the game. He must have been 65 or 70. Could he have said it in that voice? Me: "Wait, like, really dead?" Him (consciously more sobered now): "Well, yeah, we think so. No one has been able to reach him for months."

Poor Noah.

Blog on the Run: Jude the Magnificent

Out here in New Orleans, the blogging convention had been going on all day, and the gang was kind of tired, so we decided to skip Colin Powell's closing speech "Defending America from Anonymous Flamers: Blogging in the Post-9/11 World."

On the way back to the hotel, we came across an elderly gentleman seated at a table with 2 chess boards and a sign that said: "Jude Acers, U.S. Chessmaster, $5/game." Since none of us had less than a $100 bill, I offered the least valuable thing I had on me, the deed to this blog.

He quickly accepted and the game was on. We (to clarify, we being Tom, al, Dan, Dan's assistant Rich, and Rich's assistant Jenevieve) soon found out that this was no ordinary bum. Rather, he was "The Man in the Red Beret".

Some highlights of the game and ensuing conversation:

* Multiple times, Jude cited the fact that he appears in the Guinness Book of World Records, presumably for the world's lowest number-of-homes-to-number-of-chess-victories ratio, which now bears his name.

* Jude was obsessed with the amazing ability of computers to teach even the slowest of learners the subtleties of the game. Take a hypothetical mental midget, say, any girl, for instance, Jenevieve. With careful study and extensive work, even Jenevieve could beat the most accomplished of chess prodigies, say, any man, how about Rich?

* Jude also predicted that chess had nowhere to go but up. Soon, online chess would easily eclipse online poker in both popularity and profitability, and would one day even challenge the silver tuna of online skill games, Literati. Jude was hazy on the logistics of all this happening, but there was one thing he knew for sure: "I think it will be Google. Yeah, Google. Yeah, I think it will be Google." When I asked "What about Yahoo, or MSN, I mean they already have networks built--," he cut me off abruptly: "Google. Definitely Google."

* Dan, Tom, and Dan's assistant were able to read the newspaper clippings taped to Jude's table. Two points of note here. In the general biographical article, we learned that Jude, after being orphaned at 6, "lived like a wolf on the streets--a chess-playing wolf." In another article, we learned that Jude, once played 24 prisoners simultaneously, only to lose to a convicted murderer. "I attacked him where it hurt the most," the winner explained. So it turns out that his strengths as a murderer were also his strengths as a chess player. Fun fact: to add insult to injury, the murderer's victim was Jude's mother, Gertrude.

* Don't get me wrong: while Jude was slightly (read: fucking) insane, when it came to chess, as far as I could tell he had the goods. However, he was a bit arrogant. After it was clear I was going to lose, I made a slightly sub-optimal move. Jude exploded. "Wow, I never imagined in my wildest dreams any one playing Kg2 there. That shows you have imagination. Wow, Kg2. Imagination, that's great, kid. Anyway, checkmate."

* While the Jude experience was humbling, it gave us a great idea. Later that day, Tom and I were set up on Bourbon St. with the following sign: "U.S. Taboomasters, $5/game, Accepting all Challengers". A quote from later that day:

Tom (to street urchin): "The Three ______" as a clue for "ninja"? Wow kid, you got imagination. Checkmate.



al and Jude going at it.

Bloggers Love the Muff

Blogger convention still ongoing in New Orleans, and more "content" to come. Just a quick note for now, check out the newest Wikipedia hijinx here.

Not a bad sandwich, by the way.

Road Blogging

Now that I'm done with school stuff, I'll be blogging LIVE from New Orleans for the next few days. I'm attending a Bloggers Convention with my co-bloggers Tom and Al. Which brings me to a story:

I'm about to get on the plane to go to New Orleans, I've JUST made it to the gate on time so I figure I'll get some fresh-made sushi for the flight as a reward. I order a california roll and a spicy tuna roll, and Al and Tom order Rainbow rolls. Keep in mind we have under 15 minutes until boarding ends, but we figure the sushi will be made quickly. What we didn't take into account was that we were dealing with a true artiste, a sushi chef extraordinaire who needed to do everything just right, and as slowly as possible. I say to him and the cashier, "we're in a big hurry." He methodically wipes his knife off. He washes his hands. Tick tick tick. He