Old Guy Married to Bossy, Fat Old Woman Named Irene

Old Guy Married to Bossy, Fat Old Woman Named Irene: Hurricane Irene - I guess the East Coast'll get a dose of what I deal with every day

Irene (in the other room): WHAT'D YOU SAY?!

Old Husband: NOTHING, DEAR!!

Unsolved Mysteries: Rockaway Beach Edition

So Rich, Todd and I were walking toward Rockaway Beach on Saturday. I spotted a condo building facing the water that was holding an open house, and managed to convince them to come with me - "see a beautiful apartment we can aspire to, it'll be chill" was how I sold it. But as you'll see, our experience was anything but chill...

We entered the building. A chipper young white guy gave me a folder and a form and asked me to fill in my information. A minute later, I handed the filled-in form back to him, assuming he'd now lead us upstairs. But instead I heard a voice cry out from the elevator bank. "I'll be taking you on the tour," it proclaimed.

I turned around and found myself staring at the rather voluminous silhouette of a Real Estate Broker. "Right this way, gentlemen," the Broker beckoned. The Broker, still shrouded in darkness, stuck out a brown hand and shook mine with the firmness you imagine Rick Perry shakes voters' hands with. "Strong handshake - I like that in a man," I thought. In the elevator, I admired the Broker's red polo shirt - a nice hue, one I had been looking for myself. When I looked closer at the polo, I noticed that the Broker had small breasts. "Man-Boobs. Poor guy," I said to myself.

Then the elevator opened and the Broker led us out. And right in front of me was what some in the African-American community refer to as a badonkadonk. "That ass - that's a woman's ass! Wait a second - were those Man-Boobs actually Regular Boobs?!" I asked a banal question about square footage just to hear more of the Broker's speech. "The D-Line units like this one are 1,147 square feet," the Broker replied. Damn it! The pitch of the voice was either low for a woman or high for a man!

As the Broker rattled off answers to questions I didn't care to know the answer to in the first place, I searched for any clues I could find. "The washer-dryer is in the unit" - let's see, the haircut is short and gelled - is that Dyke-y or Dorky?! "Roof access is ava

ilable until midnight" - what about those glasses - damn it, Unisex frames! "We allow subletters but right now we're 100% owner-occupied," - come on, shoes have got to give something away - nope, asexual cross-trainers.

It was hot and Rich and Todd were getting antsy when we got back in the elevator and the Broker asked me if I wanted to see another unit. "No," I replied, "but why don't I take a business card so I can call you to follow up." "My business card's stapled to the folder you got on the way in." "Great, thanks so much!" I exclaimed as we got to the lobby. I ran out into the fresh air, ripped the card off the folder and took a long, hard look. This is what I saw:

That's right - I was in a full-on It's Pat! situation. The last name, which in many cultures gives away gender, was no help either. In fact, I'm not sure what nationality the Broker was - I was convinced Indian at first but now who knows - Mexican? Pakistani?

This person is a total enigma, and it's eating me alive. All I do now is type "Alex Torryn" in Google and stare over and over at the results for some crumb of a hint. Here is some of Alex's internet presence:

Real Estate Agent Listing [the picture: ]

Condo.com profile [ the picture: ]

Rockaway Real Estate Agents listing - 75% of agents have pics []

Youtube listing [no face, no voice]

SOMEONE HELP ME!!!

ALEX TORRYN ALEX TORRYN ALEX TORRYN MAN WOMAN MAN WOMAN ALEX TORRYN ALEX TORRYN GENDER CONFUSION ALEX TORRYN HERMAPHRODITE? ALEX TORRYN ALEX TORRYN ALEXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX....

AT&T and Me

Me: Your service is really spotty, I'm gonna leave you

AT&T: No you won't

Me: That's not true, I will. When my contract is up, it's Sayonara AT&T, Hello Verizon

AT&T: Yeah right, you limp-dick faggot. You don't have the guts

Me: I... yes I do

AT&T: No you don't. Now wait till the iPhone 5 comes out and we'll re-up your contract and sell you a 16GB unit for $399

Me: Well... maybe I'll get the 32GB version

AT&T: No you won't, you broke bitch

Me (whimpering): Yes, Daddy

Real-Life Insta-Reaction to S&P U.S. Credit Downgrade

[Persian BankerBro has smoked a ton of weed, maybe had brownies - is high as fuck. Chatting up two college girls]

Persian BankerBro: Ladies, I am seeing the trooooth! This is so dope - it's like I can just see shit, like the Matrix. Feeling sooo chill right now

College Girl: So what did you major in in college?

Persian BankerBro: What? That shit doesn't MATTER - just embrace all the beauty around you.

[Persian BankerBro checks his iPhone. Sees that S&P has downgraded U.S. Debt]

Persian BankerBro: DOOOOD! THIS IS SO FUCKED! My MorganStanley job offer is on the line here! My internship's over in 2 weeks!

College Girl: I'm not a big econ person. I'm more into fashion, I actually am working at Redbook for the--

Persian BankerBro: This shit hasn't happened in 70 years! This is real bad dude! So bad!

Me: Calm down man, I'm sure it's not--

Persian BankerBro: No Doood you don't understand. I was gonna get a Lexus with my signing bonus! Ohh this is the worst trip ever!

College Girl: You seem like a smart guy, you'll be fi--

Persian BankerBro: Just, everyone leave - leave me alone.

[Persian BankerBro sulks/vortexes on his iPhone for the next 30 minutes, I leave]

Real-Life Taxicab Confessions

[Taxi picks me up on Upper East Side]

Muslim Taxi Driver: Where you going my friend?

Me: North 4th and Kent Ave in Williamsburg

Muslim Taxi Driver: Oooohh I don't know, my friend.

Me: Don't want to go to Brooklyn? That's OK I'll just get another cab.

[I reach to open the door]

Muslim Taxi Driver: Wait - it's not that! I want to go to Brooklyn. I want money. I love money. But I also love to pray! And I was on my way to the mosque on 96th Street right now.

Me: It's OK - really, go pray.

[I reach to open the door again]

Muslim Taxi Driver: No wait! What is it going to be? I love money soooo much! But I love to pray soooo much.

[Silence for 10 seconds]

Me: So, uh...

Muslim Taxi Driver: Money - so important. Need money to live a good life. BUT, BUT prayer so important as well. Need prayer to live a good life.

[Silence for another 10 seconds]

Me: Look, just tell--

Muslim Taxi Driver: Is there a mosque in Willamsburg?

Me: I don't, uh, probably

Muslim: Ehh, no, no - I know this mosque. It's a good mosque. I'm sorry my friend, I must pray.

[I exit cab, and get into a different cab, who proceeds to drive in the Kent Avenue bike lane, sending frightened bikers screaming in every direction]

Real-Life Encounter in Boston T Elevator

[I run into the elevator just as it's closing. Middle-Aged Lady (pictured above) is only other person in elevator, facing away from me]

[Middle-Aged Lady lets out a long, relaxed fart. One that seems like it's been saved up all day]

[Middle-Aged Lady turns around to notice that I'm there]

Middle-Aged Lady: Jesus Christ! You snuck in here silently! You're supposed to make a noise, make other people aware of your presence.

Me (suppressing laughter): Oh, sorry

Middle-Aged Lady: You're the one who should be embarrassed, not me. You snuck up on me - that's just not right.

(beat)

Middle-Aged Lady: I'm not embarrassed. You're sneaky.

[Elevator doors open. Middle-Aged Lady runs out into the Boston night]

Scene from John Kerry's Office

[John Kerry, Teresa and Stephen, an aide, are in Kerry's office]
Stephen: This is horrible Senator Kerry, they're hanging an effigy of you in Pakistan. I'm so sorry.

John Kerry: I know, Stephen. Frightening what some people will stoop to. Now I need a moment to console Teresa.
[Exit Stephen]

John Kerry: Can you believe it? An effigy? Of ME? And my name is BEFORE Obama's!

Teresa: Johnny I've got 3 words

John Kerry: John. Kerry. 2016.

Teresa: You got it
[Teresa and John Kerry start making out]

[Enter Stephen. John Kerry immediately makes it seem like he's just consoling Teresa]
Stephen: I'm sorry for barging in Senator Kerry, it's just I forgot my iPhone charger and I'm going on a long train ride.

John Kerry: No, no - it's fine, Stephen. There, there Teresa

[John pets Teresa's hair]

Preview of President Obama's Labor Day Speech

President Obama: My fellow Americans, on this day we give thanks to the hundreds of millions across this great land who summon the strength to get out of bed in the morning, show up to the office or jobsite and put in an honest, hard day's work to make this country run each and every day. These Americans are not out for riches, and they're certainly not out for fame - they just want to do the best job they can.

[President Obama turns toward the Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas, sitting on dais]

And that's why today I am giving the Presidential Medal of Honor to the Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas. Like so many decent, hard-working Americans, no one knows his name--

Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas: Mr. President, my name is Taboo!

President Obama: No one knows what he does--

Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas: Mr. President how do you not know that I rap, dance capoeira, and also play keyboards on some tracks?

President Obama: No one even knows what race he is - Samoan maybe?

Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas: Jesus Christ President Obama I'm a mix of Mexican and Shoshone Indian!

President Obama: But we do know that he is a hard-working American who puts 110% into his work and that on this Labor Day we honor that dedication to his job!

[Rapturous applause from the crowd as President Obama puts the Presidential Medal of Honor around Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas' neck]

President Obama (small talk w/ Post-Racial Guy over the deafening applause): So how's apl.de.ap doin'?

Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas: You know his name but not mine?! He's the fourth wheel! I'm only the third wheel!

President Obama: Hey - but he's a brotha...
[President Obama flashes a 1000-Watt smile]

[Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas sulks quietly]

Opthamology 101

Badass Opthamology Student: I'm gonna say "Which one do you like?"

Crusty Old Opthamology Professor: Listen kid, everyone says "Better 1 or Better 2?" That's how it is, that's how it'll always be.

Badass Opthamology Student: Well I ain't everyone.

Crusty Old Opthamology Professor: Jesus, every year there's one guy who thinks he's gonna reinvent the wheel. You think people come to Opthamologists to get their eyes examined? Any half-wit could do that. They come to be asked "Better 1 or Better 2?" It gives them order in their otherwise chaotic modern lives. It comforts them. It narrows this incomprehensible world down just two choices. This... or that? Not Half-Fat this and Part-Skim that and No-Soy No-Gluten the other thing.

[A single tear falls down Badass Opthamology Student's cheek]

Badass Opthamology Student: That's the most beautiful thing anyone's ever said to me.

Crusty Old Opthamology Professor: Alright, alright, let's turn off the waterworks. You still need a lot of practice to get your "I'm gonna shoot a puff of air in your eye, but don't move" up to snuff. Back to work!

AIM Chat Between Pluto and Neptune

PlutoNash: yooo what up Nep?

Neptune8: oh hey - nothin' much

PlutoNash: so i was just IM-flirting with Venus, and she said the Sun was having some sort of NBA playoffs watching party on Sunday?

Neptune8: yeah since the Suns didn't make it, he's kind of obsessed with the Heat so he's having some people over to his condo to watch the game and bbq on the terrace

PlutoNash: did he send u an invite email?

Neptune8: uh yeah

PlutoNash: hmm... didn't get it

Neptune8: you probably just didn't realize it was from him - he sent a PaperlessPost

PlutoNash: OK ill search my inbox for 'PaperlessPost' one sec

Neptune8: k

PlutoNash: nope - no results

Neptune8: try "It's Gettin' Hot in Herre" - that's the name of the party

PlutoNash: word ill try that

PlutoNash: nope - nothing. did that motherfucker not invite me?!??!

Neptune8: it would appear so. I guess it's kind of a "planets-only" type of vibe

PlutoNash: but i've been boys with u guys for years - i was one of the groomsmen at the Sun's wedding for godsakes! but now that I'm not a planet anymore i'm just another schlub?

Neptune8: look man i don't think this is a personal thing, it's just the Sun can't invite all the Dwarf Planets over, cause then the Asteroids will want to come too, and the Meteoroids, and it gets out of control. His condo's living room isn't even that big

PlutoNash: oh come on, he's got the couch that seats at least 3, maybe 4 if everyone's thin. and the loveseat that's another 3. then the La-Z-Boy and the 2 chairs in the corner. plus the folding chairs on the terrace!

Neptune8: he hates to use the folding chairs indoors - they scratch up the floor

PlutoNash: well then what if i just sit on the floor?

Neptune8: kind of blocks people's view

PlutoNash: ok ok i'll stand

Neptune8: then everyone feels like you're hovering

PlutoNash: how about i stand in the doorway of the Sun's bedroom and watch from there?

Neptune8: that's just weird

PlutoNash: so that's it. I've finally officially been excommunicated from the planet social scene. Saturn's birthday in January - which FUCKING SUCKED btw, terrible overpriced bar! - was my last hurrah

Neptune8: no dude, you know how the Sun is - he's all about his parties only having "bodacious bitches and ballin' bros" - he's always excluding people

PlutoNash: so i guess i'm not a ballin' bro, huh???

Neptune8: look, forget about it - Natasha and I are having a Little League World Series Luau in our backyard in August. u should come it's gonna be fun - some of the other planets r gonna be there, we got tiki torches...

PlutoNash: great, i can't go to the Sun's exclusive NBA Playoffs party at his luxury condo, but it's fine because i'm totes welcome at the Little League Luau in your weed-ridden backyard. woohoo!

Neptune8: jesus dude, i try to do you a solid and this is what i get in return?! the Sun is right - you are a bitter loser!

PlutoNash: did he fucking call me that????

Neptune8: in so many words

PlutoNash: whatever, u know what, it's fine. i'm sorry i insulted your luau. it sounds like it'll be a lot of fun. When is it?

Neptune8: August 18th. would be cool if u brought some pineapple juice as a mixer

PlutoNash: sure thing - are you gonna send out an official invitation via PaperlessPost?

Neptune8: u know it

PlutoNash: cool. alright man well i'll see u then. have fun at the Sun's party - put in a good word for me with Venus ;)

Neptune8: will do. peace

PlutoNash: l8r