Sign #536 I've Become An Anonymous Yupster [this really happened]

 

[I'm walking down the street in Yupster uniform of button-down shirt, black jeans, sneakers, Wayfarers. I pass a different Yupster Deathstar from the one I live in - The Edge, not Rent on Kent. A Redhead Walking Her Dog, wearing yoga pants, makes eye contact with me]

Redhead Walking Her Dog: Hey! Good to see you!

Me (startled): Uh, oh - hey! Yeah, good to, uh, see you too

My Interior Monologue: Am I supposed to know this woman?

Redhead Walking Her Dog: Did you see the new rowing machines they put in the gym? So fantastic!

My Interior Monologue: Jesus Christ - she thinks I'm her neighbor at The Edge

Me: Yeah - upper body's the key to the whole thing!

Redhead Walking Her Dog: I know! Anyway, this guy's gettin' antsy for a walk, but so good to see you!

Me: You too! See you 'round

[Redhead Walking Her Dog walks away]

My Interior Monologue: Maybe I should I just go ahead and legally change my name to Daniel Bateman...

Scene from Berger Family, 1991

[Berger family has just landed at LaGuardia Airport after a week in Florida. Rich and I head toward the taxi line]
Mr. Berger: Guys no need to wait in line - I ordered us a limousine, he should be here any second

8-year-old Dan: Awesome! I love riding in limos! I'm so psyched!

[A minute later, a black Lincoln Town Car arrives and stops. I keep looking past it in search of our limo]

Mr. Berger: Here's our limo guys, put your bags in the trunk and let's get in

8-Year-Old Dan's Interior Monologue: Are you fucking KIDDING ME?! You can call a regular Lincoln Town Car a 'limousine'? That's complete bullshit! A 'limousine' should only mean a STRETCH LIMO! Extra long, fits 8 people, long bench seating, bottled water and M&Ms - we all know what a fucking limo is! This 'limousine' possibly meaning just a Town Car is the worst meme ever!!!

8-Year-Old Dan: Wow, here it is - our very own limo! Thanks Dad!

Overheard in NY on a Rooftop facing the Hudson River

[2 Jersey Girls see me packing up a DSLR still camera which I'd just shot a video on]

Jersey Girl 1: Hey you're a photographah take our picshah [hands me her phone]

Me: Sure.

[A giant light right next to me makes it impossible to see any background unless they move away from me]

Me: Could you move to your right. OK. 1. 2. 3.

[I hand phone back to Jersey Girl 1 - she and Jersey Girl 2 look at it as I finish packing up my gear and am about to walk away]

Jersey Girl 2:  They-ah's not much Jersey in this picshah

Jersey Girl 1: Not much Jersey at awwl! [Turning to me] Excuse me, we aww from Jersey and when I gave you the camera I figured you'd get Jersey in the picshah, not this silly rooftop.

Me: It's just the exposure difference between the light foreground and dark background makes it-- ah never mind [I take phone from Jersey Girl 1] 1. 2. 3.
[I hand phone back to Jersey Girl 1 and rush away from them, but catch their reactions]

Jersey Girl 1: Some photographah - ya can still byarely see Jersey

Jersey Girl 2: Idiot 

StereoIQ Jack White new album

Oh StereoIQ, there IS a home for you here - DON'T go away

Jack White – Blunderbuss Lyrics
Jack White – Freedom at 21 Lyrics
Jack White – Hip (Eponymous) Poor Boy Lyrics
Jack White – Hypocritical Kiss Lyrics
Jack White – I Guess I Should Go To Sleep Lyrics
Jack White – I'm Shakin' Lyrics
Jack White – Love Interruption Lyrics
Jack White – Missing Pieces Lyrics
Jack White – On and On and On Lyrics
Jack White – Sixteen Saltines Lyrics
Jack White – Take Me With You When You Go Lyrics
Jack White – Trash Tongue Talker Lyrics
Jack White – Weep Themselves to Sleep Lyrics

Beta Guy In The Emergency Room Waiting Area With His Dad Who's Having Chest Pains

Beta Guy's Dad (clutching chest): Ahhhh! It hurts real bad! Tell 'em I need to see a doc pronto!

Beta Guy: Of course, Dad - I'm gonna get you to the top of the list don't you worry.

[Beta Guy approaches Jorge, the tattooed nurse at the ER front desk. Jorge is on his cell phone. Beta Guy tries to make eye contact with Jorge but fails]

Jorge (into phone): Girl ah told joo that was not perfume you smelled on mah shirt... no ah never said it was cologne. It's a unisex fragrance by Calvin Klein--

Beta Guy (raises his hand with one finger extended): Uh, sorry excuse me

Jorge (into phone): -- called CK Be... because ah wanted to try something different

Beta Guy: Uh, hi my Dad--

Jorge: I'll be with you in a minute OK mang

[Bearded Guy approaches the front desk]

Jorge (into phone): The receipt for the CK Be?

Bearded Guy: HEY! HEY! LISTEN TO ME!

Jorge (into phone): I - I didn't keep it baby - I'm trying to go paperless--

[Bearded Guy grabs Jorge's cell phone and hits "End Call"]

Bearded Guy (screaming): Chat time's over, mi amigo! Alright because while you're havin' a grand ol' time with your lil' hoochie mama my son over there's arm is swelling to the size of a goddamned Christmas ham from the bee sting he got! So unless you want me to send so many INS agents to your house it'll make the Elian Gonzalez raid look like a fuckin' cozy dinner party, you're gonna let my boy see a doctor right now!

Jorge: Jesus, OK you and your son go to Room 3. A doctor'll be in there shortly

[Bearded Guy grabs his son and storms off to Room 3]

Jorge (muttering to himself): Coño

Beta Guy: Yikes. Anyway, my dad over there is having chest pains and I was wondering if there was any way you could get him to see a doctor soon

Jorge: Well that asshole took the last open room but I'll put you at the top of the list OK my friend

Beta Guy: Oh thanks that's great! Really appreciate it

[Beta Guy walks back to Beta Guy's Dad]

Beta Guy: Dad, great news - you're at the top of the list!

Beta Guy's Dad: Uh huh, uh huh. The pain's gettin' worse and... I'm startin' to drift in and out of consciousness I need to see someone now

[Beta Guy looks over and Jorge's back on the phone, animated]

Beta Guy (putting a hand on Dad): Hey you're at the top of the list Dad, let's not push it

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: Can you believe that guy? Talking to a hospital employee like that?

Beta Guy (turns around, notices that Mother Holding Infant is attractive): Ohh - yeah totally out of line. And that racial stuff?

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: I know! I never thought I'd hear something like that in 2012

Beta Guy: Definitely a Republican. Probably voting for Santorum

[Attractive Mother Holding Infant laughs]

Attractive Mother Holding Infant (suddenly looking at watch): Ugh, if I don't see a doctor soon I'm gonna miss my older one's trumpet recital. I guess no one ever said single parenthood was gonna be easy

Beta Guy: Oh sure, it must be tough

[Beta Guy's Dad feebly taps Beta Guy on the shoulder]

Beta Guy: We're first in line Dad - don't worry.

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: The annoying thing is this little fella just has a fever, but they say if it's over 102 you should go to the emergency room to be on the safe side. The doctor'll probably recommend some Children's Tylenol and sleep and be done with us in 5 minutes. If we ever get to see one.

[Attractive Mother's cellphone buzzes from a text message]

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: My son: 'where are you Mom? All the other parents are here' - ughhh

Jorge: OK my friend a room just opened up. Let me show you and your father to Room 2.

Beta Guy's Dad (hopeful look on his face): Ahhhhh

Beta Guy: You know what, this young woman actually should go ahead of me because she's just gonna be 5 minutes.

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: Oh my god are you sure?

Beta Guy: Of course - hey I was once a teenage trumpet player myself and I can tell you it means a lot to have a friendly face in the crowd

Attractive Mother Holding Infant (touching Beta Guy's arm): Oh bless your heart! You are a saint. Take care of your Dad, he's not lookin' so hot

Beta Guy: Oh he's gonna be fine

[Attractive Mother Holding Infant and Jorge walk toward Room 2. Beta guy longingly watches Attractive Mother's backside in her tight jeans]

THREE DAYS LATER

[Beta Guy is speaking at Beta Guy's Dad's funeral]

Beta Guy: I was there at the bitter end, and unfortunately nothing could be done to save him

[An Old Timer who was in WW2 with Beta Guy's Dad stands up]

Old Timer: Bullshit! He was waiting in the Emergency Room for 3 hours, but you were too much of a goddamned spineless sissy to get him in front of a doctor! If you had one tenth the guts of your ol' man he'd be alive today

Beta Guy: Nothing. Could. Be done.

Guy whose name is ASDF

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Yeah we canceled your order because we figured it was some guy just typing random stuff on his keyboard as a prank

Guy whose name is ASDF: But if my name were Joe you'd have sent me the sweater? Look I have rights you know. I'm a human being!

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Well we were thinking about sending it out but then we saw your email was "asdf@asdf.com" and we were sure it was fake

Guy whose name is ASDF: What's your name?

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Mark

Guy whose name is ASDF: If you could get Mark@Mark.com wouldn't you make that your email address? I mean I don't think I'm being unreasonable here - if--

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Look man, do you want the sweater or not?

Guy whose name is ASDF: Of course I want the sweater! Now just to clarify, the address is 2473 slfjsldfj --

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Alright nice try buddy

[dial tone]

Guy whose name is ASDF: Hello? HELLO? Goddamnit. I guess I'll just have to start calling myself Asher again.

[sigh]

High School Newspaper Op-Ed: DOUBLE STANDARD

by Cayla Langley

Have you ever noticed how girls who hook up with a lot of different guys are called sluts? And yet guys who hook up with a lot of girls are called players! I'm sorry but that doesn't pass the smell test in my book - what we have on our hands at Coolidge High is a big ol' DOUBLE STANDARD...

First Date with Girl Who Has Amnesia

[Setting: Hunan Szechuan Empire Gourmet Palace]

[Amnesiac Girl and I are looking at menus]

Me: You probably don't remember this, but Chinese food is like the cutting edge of the food culture right now. And this place is the epicenter of it all!

Amnesiac Girl: Wow - good thing I have you to take me to the hot places

[Waitress approaches our table]

Me: Hi, we're splitting everything. We'd like to have the e-egg drooop soup to start. Am I saying that right?

Waitress: Ees egg drop soup

Me: And this one is Ch-chicken with brickoli?

Waitress: Ees Broccoli. Thas it?

[I nod]

[Waitress walks away]

Me: Seriously it is like impossible to keep track of all these new cuisines

Amnesiac Girl: But somehow you do it!

[I wave the "stop, stop - too much" motion]

French Stewart Teaching A Sketch Comedy Writing Class

[10 students are seated around a table. French Stewart is at the head. He has a script in front of him]

French Stewart: OK, what do we have here? A leprechaun who gets picked on for being tall. Hmm I like it, but it's missing a certain je ne sais quoi. Oh wait, I know... it's missing SQUINTING!!! How many times do I have to tell you this - just write it down because it's an equation you won't want to forget: Squinting equals Comedy!

Student: Yeah but-but there are other things that're funny besides squinting

French Stewart: What's your name, son?

Student: Lance

French Stewart: Well class, I'm not gonna tell you what to think. But I just ask you this - was Lance a staple of Must See TV? Does Lance have a place in Malibu? Does Lance have a lifetime supply of DiGiorno pizzas?

[Silence]

French Stewart (picking up another script): Now let's see - Kamikaze pilots arguing whether to order the Sushi Deluxe or Sashimi Deluxe for their last meal

[Whole class laughs]

French Stewart: Pretty funny right. Because the Japanese guys look like they're squinting with those eyes. (beat) COME ON! Did I take a wrong turn on my way to the Comedy Club and walk into the Museum of Tolerance? I mean Jesus!

Scene from the Time Out Pub

[11:30 PM and 10:45 PM, dressed in sexy cocktail dresses, are sitting at the bar with 6:00 PM, dressed in a business suit, tie undone]

6:00 PM (looking at his watch): It's 6:00 in Dublin right now! Bartender - Irish Car Bombs for me and the ladies!

[The three of them do Irish Car Bomb shots]

[In walks Noon, wearing a Tommy Bahama Hawaiian shirt. The ladies turn toward him]

11:30 PM: Oh. My. God. It's Noooooon!

10:45 PM: He is so fucking famous - and hot!

6:00 PM: Ooooh it's Noon, he's got a real name, not a number - ooooh! Look ladies this isn't Spain - there are no siestas in America. In these parts you're usually at your desk with your tummy growling for a Chipotle Taco Salad at Noon. But at 6:00, you're out of work, slippin' into something a little more comfortable for the evening...

[Noon sidles up to the bar. The bartender eagerly awaits his order]

Noon: A strawberry daiquiri for me, and two more for these lovely ladies

[11:30 PM and 10:45 PM move away from 6:00 PM and sit next to Noon, who hands them their drinks]

Noon: You know in Puerto Rico, Noon is officially siesta time. You are legally not allowed to be working at Noon. True story

[11:30 PM and 10:45 PM coo]

[Into the bar saunters Midnight. He is decked out in his finest clubbing attire - Ed Hardy shirt, black jeans, Gucci sunglasses indoors. The whole bar turns to watch him]

11:30 PM (whispering): Holy. Fucking. Shitballs. It's Midnight

10:45 PM (whispering): He is the biggest celebrity in the Time world. And he's fucking sexy as as all hell

[Midnight sidles up to the bar]

Midnight: Goose. On the rocks.

[Bartender pours a glass of Grey Goose and hands it to Midnight]

[Midnight wags his finger "No"]

Midnight: One for everyone in this joint

[Midnight whips out his American Express Black Card. 11:30 PM, 10:45 PM, and all the other ladies in the bar congregate around Midnight. With the rush of people, Noon is forced to shift over to where 6:00 PM is sitting]

Noon: Don't these girls realize they're usually--

6:00 PM: -- asleep at that time. Tell me about it.

Noon and 6:00 PM (in unison): Fuckin' Midnight

[Noon and 6:00 PM take sips from their respective drinks]

[8:07 AM, dressed in a short-sleeve button down, tie, and unironic George H.W. Bush glasses, approaches Noon and 6:00 PM]

8:07 AM: Hey guys, so let me caveat this by saying the lockout has this whole season very much up in the air, but I was wondering if you guys wanted to sign up for my Fantasy Basketball League? We're goin' with ESPN this year - Yahoo!'s mobile integration was just not up to snuff

[Noon and 6:00PM shoot death stares at 8:07 AM]