Separated At Birth #1

In this nifty new feature, I choose two people (Yale or celebrity) who look so similar that one might say they were "separated at birth." I prefer to do ones that go across racial lines, for more of a challenge. The first one is: Miguel Lopez (TC '06) and Sen. Barack Obama (D-IL). Will get Miguel's picture to not be a link at some point, but right now just log in to thefacebook.com before you see that picture.

Research at library

I'm looking at old newspapers on microfilm in the library. This would be tolerable, except that my iPod broke. Also, I am looking at this book's footnotes to find which issues of The Los Angeles Times are relevant to my topic, which saves me a lot of time because I don't have to read through all of them myself. But occasionally there will be an issue that is footnoted but in fact has no mention of my topic, wasting easily 8 minutes of my time per instance. For this, historian Scott L. Bottles, I hope you die (despite saving me all that other time). Wait, just checked and the book was written in 1954. So I guess you probably are dead anyway, Bottles.

Editor's Note: thanks to Tom Lehman for a key revision.

Squash Rankings revised

This is still bullshit, and it's hard to do this properly because people haven't played each other. Also, I am definitely the second or third best (only Dave, who is a real gentleman, might be better). And Rich, Molly, and Tom should be disqualified for winning almost all their points by using a cheap serve. Real class act guys. Also, Molly wouldn't play me again, adding to her great sportsmanship. Truly, you should all take a page out of the Dave Lieberman book by not using cheap serves and by agreeing to play however many matches your opponent wants instead of angle-shooting.

Let me explain what happened here: Noah stays as is at number 1, self-explanatory. Dave moved ahead of Rich even though he didn't play today because Rich lossed 3 times to Alex, which is considered a poor showing. Tom stayed put with a 2-1 record v. Dan and a 2-2 record v. Molly. Molly jumped ahead of Dan because she beat me in one match and refused to play a second one, so even though our lifetime record is 2-2, she moves ahead because I agreed on it with her because I'm a nice guy- last time I do that. Alex only moves up one spot, I wish I could do more but Al didn't play me and has never beaten me, he lost to Molly, and didn't play Tom. So his victories against Rich could only be reflected in his own moving up one spot and in Rich's moving down one spot. Any comments or questions, put in the comments section. And Rich, Tom and Molly you're all overrated and terrible.

1. NOAH HEYMANN
2. DAVE LIEBERMAN
3. RICH BERGER
4. TOM LEHMAN
5. MOLLY SWARTZ
6. DAN BERGER
7. ALEX JACOB
8. NICK ATWOOD
9. JOE BOONSIRI

Breaking News

As you'll recall 5 minutes ago, I said, "There are about 30 cops standing outside even though there has not been any sign of a disturbance. I'd imagine Police Chief James Perotti might justify this by saying, 'It's not racial profiling, it's called playing the numbers.'"
WELL, it turns out there is a brawl happening outside of Toad's right now. So I guess Mr. Perotti is now saying "I told you so" to all those members of the PC-gestapo.

Ray

In honor of the Oscars, I watched Ray just now. What a piece of shit movie. The plot was pretty much Ray loses sight, Ray makes gold record, Ray gets married, Ray gets addicted to heroin, Ray makes gold record, Ray has a mistress, Ray gets arrested, Ray gets clean and has a gold record. The story was told literally in that "this happened then that happened then this happened" kind of way, with no attachment to the characters or to any particular storyline.
I would have much preferred if it had turned out that Ray was never famous and successful, but in fact one of his friends was an asshole who put him in small rooms and played the sound of loud applause to trick him into thinking he was in a concert hall. Which brings me to my next point- how the fuck does the Braille number system work? You'd think they'd make it so 1 was one dot, 2 was two dots, etc. with each digit 0-9. But it's completely random and weird. That is really Ray Charles' greatest accomplishment, figuring out the Braille number system.

New Squash Rankings

These rankings are based on results, which is in my opinion a pretty inaccurate indicator of skill, but the players on The Circuit are clamoring for results-based rankings. Note that I have gotten rid of any peripheral players. I might add that this is bullshit and I'm the best except for Noah.

1. NOAH HEYMANN
2. RICHARD BERGER
3. DAVE LIEBERMAN
4. TOM LEHMAN
5. DAN BERGER - Absurd, I should be number 2 and will be after a few more victories over Tom
6. MOLLY SWARTZ- only a couple wins would push her to #4 or #3, this was a close decision
7. NICK ATWOOD
8. ALEX JACOB
9. JOE BOONSIRI

Squash Awards

A few awards to give out:

Most Overrated Male Player: RICH BERGER- What is so great about his game? Is it the cheap serves? Or perhaps that he spazzes whenever you question a call? Maybe someone can clue me in.

Most Overrated Female Player: MOLLY SWARTZ- OK, she beat me once. That's no reason to get all uppity.

Most Underrated Male Player: DAN BERGER- Like the late, great Rodney Dangerfield, "I get no respect, no regard," despite being an excellent, well-rounded player.

Most Underrated Female Player: MOLLY SWARTZ- By default, since she's the only female player on The Circuit.

Most Improved Player Award: ALEX JACOB- Definitely better mobility and shot-making, almost beat me and Tom.

Rookie of the Year: ERIC LIEBERMAN- A promising youngster.

Sportsmanship Award: TOM LEHMAN- Always willing to play one more game.

Jackie Robinson Award: THE BLACK GUY WHO RUNS THE SQUASH CENTER- self-explanatory.

G Heav

I've had a revelation in the last 2 days. Get your Gourmet Heaven sandwiches pressed on the grill! The bread is so much crunchier and tastier. If only I had a time machine and could change all those sandwiches I had either microwaved or just with no heating at all.

Comments

I'd like to encourage comments. I changed the settings so that anyone, not just the blogging elite can make comments. This is a two-way street, people. This is like a sports talk-radio show. Speaking of which, my friend Dave and I met Mad Dog from WFAN's Mike and the Mad Dog, at the US Open last year. I also called into the show once, in 1997. The conversation went something like this:

Mad Dog: Daniel from Manhattan, you're on the air.

Me: Glenn Foley... (a series of electronic beeps)... Neil O'Donnell... (a series of electronic beeps)... Noooooo.

Thanks, Mom, for getting a portable phone that ran out of batteries after half an hour of waiting. I didn't even get to say, "First time, long time."

Cardplayer writers who don't write about strategy are terrible

Thanks, Vince Burgio, for this informative article about poker. I mean I never looked at it that way. You should really send this writing sample to the New Yorker. A quote:

"Maybe not as obnoxious, but just as silly (at least to me), is watching every week to see which guy or girl the handsome or beautiful most eligible bachelor or bachelorette will choose as his or her mate for life. Yeah, sure! I wouldn’t want to bet that any of these couples will see their golden wedding anniversary.

And who in his right mind could compare any silliness of poker to that show they call Big Brother, where the house is bugged with cameras and every move of the contestants is televised."

Zing!® and Double Zing!® Boy, Vince, you really stuck it to those reality TV shows. And the passive voice, the repetition of "or" 4 times in one sentence, the "Yeah, sure!" - move over Hemingway, it's Burgio time.

Blog readership statistics

OK, this is the moment you've all been waiting for. The counter is at 50 hits. BUT, there were only 33 unique hits. Friday is my heaviest day of traffic, with 25 page views and the day isn't even over yet. First-time visitors were 90% of my readers, but I have a loyal 10% returning. It seems my brilliant blog naming scheme worked like a charm.

Squash Results

Rankings stay as is. My results:
Dan v. Tom: Dan 1- Tom ???? (I don't remember)
Dan v. Rich: Dan ??? - Rich ???? (I don't remember)
Dan v. Noah: Dan ???- Noah ??? (I don't remember)
Dan v. Al: Dan 2 - Al 0

"You can never hit too many reverse corners."
-some woman

Hand tonight at Trumbull

I am convinced that when I had 6-7 and thought I had J-10, someone (possibly Meyvis's friend Doug- hey he seems like a nice guy but he's got motives up the wazoo) swtiched my cards during the hand. No evidence yet in this case but I'll update you as it progresses. Also, note that I won $170 at Foxwoods. But like Tom, I only went there to see the dealers clap and then show their palms.

International Squash Rankings

Just in from International Squash Association Headquarters in Zurich, the International Squash rankings:

1. Julian Illingworth -- this was a tough decision
2. Noah Heymann -- a devastating two-wall shot near the front, goddamnit why does it work so well
3. Eric Lieberman -- despite only one day of matches, this little scamp shot up in the rankings
4. Dan Berger- a perfect blend of speed. strength, intelligence and agility - will soon be #1
5. Rich Berger -- some call him "Dan-lite" because he's just a little worse than Dan in every aspect
6. Dave Lieberman -- a finesse player, gets kudos for not having a cheap serve
7. Molly Swartz- pretty good... for a girl. The Annie Duke of squash.
8. Alex Jacob -- has the agility of an oak tree. But his 2-2 record vs. Joe clearly shows his superiority.
9. Joe Boonsiri -- a quick learner, good forehand. Needs to work on footwork.
10. Stephen Hawking -- what he lacks in a physical game, he makes up for in mental game.
11. Tom Lehman -- (no, not the golfer) wins too many points on serve, has dropped in ranking due to the computer formula - mostly due to his weak strength of schedule.

Orbitz pop up games

Like anyone else, I hate pop-ups. But I have to make an exception with the Orbitz pop-up games. In particular, the recent Hockey and Paper Football games have been gems. I beat both. Some other classics are the golf game and the baseball home run game (although that was a bit too easy).

An amazing site

This should be required reading for everyone in america:
http://www.davidicke.com

More specifically, here is a great expose of Dick Cheney as a child rapist.
Here is the money quote: Cheney was talking as he paced around me: “I could stuff you and mount you like a jackalope and call you a two-legged dear. Or I could stuff you with this (he unzipped his pants to reveal his oversized penis) right down to your throat and then mount you. Which do you prefer?”

And for a list of members of the Illuminati:
http://www.theforbiddenknowledge.com/hardtruth/list_of_satanist.htm
EXAMPLE:
George Bush: US President and Vice President, head of the CIA, and a stream of other leading roles in the Illuminati. Satanist, mind controller, torturer of children and adults, pedophile, shape-shifting reptilian, and major drug runner. Serial killer. Nice man.

AKS e-mail

This letter should be sent to an insane asylum as evidence of AKS's complete lack of touch with reality. A letter I would have cared about would have read, "Gourmet Heaven lowers the price of avocado add-on to 50 cents, and switches Charlie to a 24-7 shift."
It should also be noted that not only did Al Gore and Howard Dean agree on politics in the Democratic Primary last year, but it's clear that both men are equally terrified by AKS. Gore in particular seems about a millisecond away from calling in the Secret Service. AKS is a good guy though, despite the demonic look in his eyes.

FROM THE DESK OF AKS:

My friends,

Summary of Major Changes:

· 4-week Moratorium on restrictions in all colleges except Berkeley, starting tomorrow.

· 2-week Moratorium on restrictions in Berkeley dining hall, starting after Spring Break.

· Sunday “family night” dinners in all colleges (Davenport students permitted access.

Having worked to abolish dining hall restrictions as a YCC representative since the first restrictions were implemented nearly 2 years ago, I would like to thank you for your continuing support—without your efforts, this latest victory would not have been possible.
I apologize for filling your inbox—this decision, however, is HUGE.

Sincerely yours,

Alan

Two person bathrooms

There is a bathroom at Ivy Noodle that has a urinal and a toilet, with no wall separating them. If you were in there with another person that you didn't know, it would be the most awkward situation imaginable. Scratch that even if you did know the other person, it would still be really awkward.

Now that you're here

I've fooled all you Delino DeShields fans. This is not actually a blog devoted to baseball legend Delino DeShields, but rather to my random musings. But just so your hopes aren't entirely dashed, here are DeShields' lifetime stats. I have his rookie card, if anyone's in the market.

 Year Ag Tm  Lg  G   AB    R    H   2B 3B  HR  RBI  SB CS  BB  SO   BA   OBP   SLG   TB   SH  SF IBB HBP GDP
+--------------+---+----+----+----+---+--+---+----+---+--+---+---+-----+-----+-----+----+---+---+---+---+---+
1990 21 MON NL 129  499   69  144  28  6   4   45  42 22  66  96  .289  .375  .393  196   1   2   3   4  10
1991 22 MON NL 151  563   83  134  15  4  10   51  56 23  95 151  .238  .347  .332  187   8   5   2   2   6
1992 23 MON NL 135  530   82  155  19  8   7   56  46 15  54 108  .292  .359  .398  211   9   3   4   3  10
1993 24 MON NL 123  481   75  142  17  7   2   29  43 10  72  64  .295  .389  .372  179   4   2   3   3   6
1994 25 LAD NL  89  320   51   80  11  3   2   33  27  7  54  53  .250  .357  .322  103   1   1   0   0   9
1995 26 LAD NL 127  425   66  109  18  3   8   37  39 14  63  83  .256  .353  .369  157   3   1   4   1   6
1996 27 LAD NL 154  581   75  130  12  8   5   41  48 11  53 124  .224  .288  .298  173   2   5   7   1  12
1997 28 STL NL 150  572   92  169  26 14  11   58  55 14  55  72  .295  .357  .448  256   7   6   1   3   5
1998 29 STL NL 117  420   74  122  21  8   7   44  26 10  56  61  .290  .371  .429  180   4   4   2   0   6
1999 30 BAL AL  96  330   46   87  11  2   6   34  11  8  37  52  .264  .339  .364  120   5   1   0   1   5
2000 31 BAL AL 151  561   84  166  43  5  10   86  37 10  69  82  .296  .369  .444  249   3   9   2   1  16
2001 32 BAL AL  58  188   29   37   8  2   3   21  11  1  31  42  .197  .312  .309   58   1   1   0   1   3
        CHC NL  68  163   26   45   9  3   2   16  12  1  28  35  .276  .380  .405   66   3   1   0   0   5
        TOT    126  351   55   82  17  5   5   37  23  2  59  77  .234  .344  .353  124   4   2   0   1   8
2002 33 CHC NL  67  146   20   28   6  1   3   10  10  1  21  38  .192  .292  .308   45   6   1   2   0   0
+--------------+---+----+----+----+---+--+---+----+---+--+---+---+-----+-----+-----+----+---+---+---+---+---+
13 Seasons         5779      1548     74      561    147    1061  .268  .352  .377       57  42  30  20  99
              1615       872      244     80      463    754                       2180
+--------------+---+----+----+----+---+--+---+----+---+--+---+---+-----+-----+-----+----+---+---+---+---+---+
162 Game Avg        580   87  155  24  7   8   56  46 15  76 106  .268  .352  .377  219   6   4   3   2  10
Career High    154  581   92  169  43 14  11   86  56 23  95 151  .296  .389  .448  256   9   9   7   4  16
+--------------+---+----+----+----+---+--+---+----+---+--+---+---+-----+-----+-----+----+---+---+---+---+---+
Year Ag Tm  Lg  G   AB    R    H   2B 3B  HR  RBI  SB CS  BB  SO   BA   OBP   SLG   TB   SH  SF IBB HBP GDP