If I Did It, Here's How It Happened

As many of you know, O.J. Simpson is giving an interview to FOX entitled "If I Did It, Here's How It Happened." Keep in mind, dear readers, that this is NOT a confession. O.J. is simply describing a hypothetical scenario in which he theoretically killed his wife.

Inspired by O.J.'s example, I am giving my own interview next month, also entitled "If I Did It, Here's How It Happened." In this interview, I describe a hypothetical scenario in which I theoretically left a large orange stain on page 167 of Tom's copy of Robert Bork's The Tempting of America. Here is an excerpt of the transcript from the interview:

Off-Camera Interviewer: So, Dan. Give me a play-by-play of what happened-- theoretically.

Dan: OK, so here is so how it WOULD HAVE gone down. I WOULD HAVE gone to Gourmet Heaven and bought a Turkey/Avocado/Russian Dressing sandwich with extra Russian Dressing. Then I WOULD HAVE walked back to Tom's dorm room in Pierson. I WOULD HAVE opened the door to an empty common room, since Tom WOULD HAVE been on the computer in his room. I WOULD HAVE looked through Tom's bookshelf and found Robert Bork's The Tempting of America. I WOULD HAVE sat down with the book in a reclining chair. I WOULD HAVE let out a fart that was just quiet enough so Tom couldn't hear it. Tom WOULD HAVE ignored me even if he had heard my sounds because, god, he WOULD HAVE been too wrapped up in some fucking blog or e-mail from Eric or whatever bullshit.
I WOULD HAVE started eating the GHeav sandwich while thumbing through Bork's poignant personal account of his confirmation hearings. A gob of that extra Russian Dressing WOULD HAVE squirted all over my hands. It WOULD HAVE been really gross. I WOULD HAVE looked around for a tissue or napkin, but not found any. So then, I wiped my fingers all over page 167 of Tom's copy of The Tempting of America. Wait-- no! -- I mean I WOULD HAVE wiped my fingers all over page 167 of The Tempting of America... This interview is over!

Let us Mourn and Pray

Friends, as many of you may know, we lost someone very near and dear to our hearts two nights ago. He fought a valiant effort toward the end and almost pulled through, but ultimately he did not make it. It is always difficult to lose someone close to you. Especially someone with such a warm heart, a compassionate soul who did so much to help so many people. But we here at Delino are doing our best to try to cope with the grief and sadness over the demise of The Republican Majority in Congress, or TRMiC, as he always liked to be called.

For those of you in the New York and Miami areas, Dan's and Tom's conservative parents will be sitting shiva in those two cities. In lieu of flowers, please send money to Exxon-Mobil. It is a sad day, but Kacha HaChayim, such is life. If you would like to organize your own shiva, we encourage you to do so- TRMiC would have wanted it that way. For your use, here is the traditional Jewish prayer to be recited at sundown the day after the Republicans lose the Majority in Congress.

BeRiched Finale!

You have no idea what I had to go through to get this footage. But here, finally, is the end of the 4-part saga of BeRiched. Please make sure to watch part 1, part 2, and part 3 first. Then sit back and treat yourself to the gripping conclusion.



Thank you to Tom for putting this together (and Sarah for guest-starring). Also, I could not have done this without the support of Jen (take a bow, sugar beet) and Dan. It was a collaboration of the highest order.

Scoop! Actual Rod in Row Over Troop Comment

In remarks to a group of supporters in Illinois yesterday, Actual Rod said, "You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, well, you end up a reactionary neo-con nutjob lunatic orientalist fascist moron piece of shit with no sense of history who knows nothing about the Middle East except that he wants to steal all of their oil and give it to greedy corporations who control the U.S. government."

Almost immediately, President Bush responded with a biting critique of what he characterized as Actual Rod's criticism of American soldiers, calling Rod's comments "insulting and shameful, and an offense to all of our brave men and women who serve this country in its fight against The Enemy."

Hoping to quiet down the furor, Actual Rod went on MSNBC's Imus in the Morning to clarify his comments, saying, "When I said that stuff about reactionary neo-con fascists, I was talking about President Bush. AND the American troops... AND every white American. Peace, I'm off to Azerbajian, suckas."