Another Delino SCOOP: Bush's War on Terror Speech

Our inside sources at the White House have leaked to us President Bush's newest speech about the War on Terror:

President Bush: "Some will tell you that we should retreat from the battle in Iraq. Maybe even retreat from the war in Afghanistan. (Alberto Gonzales farts) These Defeat-o-crats will tell you that if we just leave the Middle East, then the Islamofascists will all of a sudden love us. (Dick Cheney cackles, then has a stroke) Well where I'm from they got a saying: "That makes less sense than a hog knowin' how to code in UNIX."

What these people don't understand is that the Islamofascists, who encompass almost every brown skinned foreign person- not you, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, you're one of the good ones - (Dr. Sanjay Gupta "raises the roof") they hate us no matter what we do. What do the Doodie-crats think is gonna happen?

(chuckling) We stop smearing menstrual blood on their faces while they're chained to the floor and they'll be like "Oh wait, I LOVE AMERICA NOW." Or maybe we stop sodomizing their men with broomsticks, and they'll be like "UNCLE SAM, you're the greatest!" Or do the Dildo-crats think if we stop killing tens of thousands of their civilians with aerial strikes and ground fire they're gonna break out into the gosh-darned Star Spangled Banner?

Mah point is you can't reason with these people. They just hate our freedom and that's that. (Fred Barnes, who has been fellating POTUS, takes a breath to hoot and holler in agreement)

Suggestion for Rich

Rich, if you're reading this, take a look at this photo of the British sailors being held by Iran:















Those dishes look pretty delicious to me! So here's my suggestion to you Rich -- write a restaurant review of An Iranian Prison. Come on, Tehran is on the way back from China if you go the long way back...

Your Man on the Ground Part 2: Washington, DC

A couple weeks back there was a protest of the Iraq War in the nation's capital, and yours truly was on hand to witness it and participate in it. There was, simultaneously, a counter-protest by psychotic Vietnam veterans and sundry jingoistic automatons. These people called me and my companion "Commie," "Traitor," "Dirty Hippie," told us we "don't deserve freedom" but at the same time smirkingly asked "you enjoying that freedom we provide for you?" How indiscriminately slaughtering brown people (in Vietnam or Iraq) makes me more free is beyond me, but I'll show you both sides of the argument:

PROTEST:





































COUNTER-PROTEST:

Blog related news

It appears that there is a black guy named Lester who works in my office. Has the former blogger on Immortalized Stillicide tracked me down?

Sandler

Who are the Hollywood geniuses who came up with the premise of Reign Over Me?

The plot is described on IMDB as:
"Alan Johnson (DON CHEADLE) gets a surprise when he runs into his old college roommate, Charlie Fineman (ADAM SANDLER), on the streets of New York. He is shocked to find out that Charlie doesn't remember him at all. Alan later learns that Charlie is suffering with grief from the loss of his wife and kids to a plane crash in 9/11. He attempts to help Charlie get over his grief by rekindling their friendship while Charlie hangs out with Alan because he doesn't know anything about what his family was like as he refuses to talk about it. As Alan spends a lot of time with Charlie it puts a strain on his relationship with his wife and kids."





This is a total misuse of Sandler's talents- I suggest this new premise and opening dialogue
instead:
Don Cheadle gets a surprise when he runs into his old college roommate, Adam Sandler, on the streets of New York. He is shocked to find out that Sandler doesn't remember him at all. Cheadle later learns that Sandler lost his wife and kids to a plane crash in 9/11. Cheadle tries to help Sandler get over the grief of losing his family, but Sandler is not sure what he is talking about...

Cheadle: Adam, it must have been tough losing your family like that on 9/11
(beat)
Sandler: Abby-dooby! So hot! Want to touch the hiney! Arrroooooooo!

Cheadle: I mean, you lost your wife, and your little daughter. (holding back tears) She was only six years old...

Sandler: No I will not make out with you. Did ya hear that? this guy wants to make out with me in the middle of class. You got Chlorophyll Man up there talking about God knows what and all he can talk about is making out with me. I'm here to learn, everybody, not to make out with you. Go on with the chlorophyll.

Cheadle: Look, I'm just trying to say I'm here for you, man. Whatever you need.

Sandler: My Mama says that alligators are ornery because they got all them teeth and no toothbrush. FUCK ME IN THE GOATASS!

Cheadle: Your wife (crying now), she was a great woman. She loved you very much.

Sandler: Amy Fisher. Buddafuco. El narc-o, el shoot-o, In jail-o. No bail-o. Senora, you're a whor-a!

Have some tact, Senator

Honestly, Senator Norm Coleman (R-MN) have some tact, please. You're a U.S. Senator. Stop posting this stuff on the Craigslist Minneapolis Men looking for Men personals section:

"
5'8 165 masc discrete gl, athletic ddf wants to give you the best bj, very oral great tongue action, sometime today . you be ddf, no bears or fat, send stats or pic, no games
"

But if any of you write back to Senator Coleman, I urge you, in the spirit of bipartisanship, to honor our colleague from the Great State of Minnesota's request to refrain from playing any games.

Your Man on the Ground Part 1: New Haven

In this series, I hit the streets for some on-the-ground réportage... chengui!

Last weekend, I was in NEW HAVEN for the Saint Patrick's Day Parade! It was exteremely weird and a ton of fun, i will give you a "best of" and some pictures. There was ZERO Yale presence there because it was Spring Break but really it was so surreal and cool that Yale students should stick around for the weekend more- I certainly would have if I'd known about it.













Your intrepid réporter, with some drunken Quinnipiac and Southern Connecticut students. Everyone was drinking openly in front of the cops all over Chapel Street and College Street. In fact these Toads-goers had a keg on College Street, and they made a homeless guy do a keg stand.












Bagpipers. These guys were followed by a St. Patrick themed float called "Snakes on a Float."
















Previous Grand Marshals of the parade. The current Grand Marshal marched with Mayor DeStefano, who had a shit-eating grin on his face and was also decked out in the Irish 1900s regalia.














Little girls doing Irish line dancing. In the background is a drunk guy from Q-Pac who frightened the girls and their mothers.
















Keith Urbahn's buddy Ziggy, the insane guy who waves the American flag from his American flag-painted truck when the war protesters are out.

Basically, after the Irish-related groups went by, the parade turned into a free-for-all of groups with no relation to St. Patrick's Day who just wanted to march:
-A group of Star Wars fans dressed as Darth Vader and his storm troopers
-A group of Old Timey Bike enthusiasts (the bikes with the big front wheel)
-The Connecticut Crash football team from the National Women's Football League
-Like 73 "Drum and Fife Corps" dressed up in Revolutionary War garb, playing battle hymns and firing blanks into the air from their bayonets (representing towns from Madison all the way to Milford)

But my personal favorite random group was the "Columbus Day Parade Committee." At the front of their group were some younger Italian-Americans wearing jerseys from the Italian national soccer team. Fair enough. But the best part was that behind the youngsters was a van in which a handful of older Italian men sat. These guys were definitely Mafiosos, and they were mean-looking. I waved at them out of fear of retribution. Though they were too far away for me to hear them speaking, I imagine the inside of their van sounded something like this:

Mafioso #1: Those lousy fuckin' Micks thought they were gonna parade widdout us?

Mafioso #2: Nobody parades in dis fuckin' town widdout us. Nobody! We own da parade racket!

Oh those Islamic Fundamentalists

Read this in The Washington Monthly:
---------------------------------------------------

"The news [of Akhund's arrest in Pakistan] is not true," SonntagsBlick wrote. "The world press reported: top-Taliban imprisoned. At the same time he was sitting with a SonntagsBlick reporter having coffee."

It said Akhund was one of 300 people present at [an Islamic school in the southwestern city of Quetta]. He then met with the reporter and explained his future strategy in Afghanistan, the Zurich-based paper said.

According to SonntagsBlick, Akhund's "future strategy" is to kill as many Americans as possible. "We thirst for their blood," they report him saying. "Six thousand martyrs are ready to die in battle for Allah. No member of the occupying forces will be spared."

------------------------------------------------------------

This is a pretty amusing setup. The Taliban guy is having coffee with the reporter, and he's like "Barista, could I have a drop more steamed milk in my cappuccino? Great, thanks! ANYway, as I was saying, we'd like to kill as many Americans as possible. No member of the occupying forces will be spared. Have you seen 300 yet? The trailer looks pretty sick. I think our battle'll be something like that, you know, six thousand martyrs ready to die in battle for Allah, weapons, guts, CGI backgrounds, the whole shebang. What else? Oh, jeez, did I forget to mention that we thirst for blood? You know, hold on one sec, I just need a pinch of cinnamon."

New Haven Register Gossip/Arts section

I previously gave you all a preview of an article from The New Yorker, but I am pleased to present to you a preview of some content from a far more august publication... The New Haven Register. My inside source has revealed to me that the Register has a new Gossip/Arts section, which includes some "blind item" gossip (guess who they're talking about!) and concert listings. Enjoy!:

Blind Items

-Which proprietor of an alliterative Fresh-Mex restaurant was caught at the Ol’ Burrito Cart Depot on State Street slashing the tires of every burrito cart and dumping their trays of guacamole?

-Which gruff owner of the self-proclaimed “birthplace of the hamburger” was seen at Gentleman’s Club The Catwalk getting a lap dance, and then abruptly punching the stripper in the face and leaving when she started describing an erotic fantasy involving ketchup?

-Which corpulent Yalie ex-political blogger was overheard at new noodle shop East Melange saying, “You see, Ivy Noodle is like Bill Clinton, and East Melange is like Michael Dukakis. East Melange is better, it’s purer, but has narrower appeal and will probably fail.”

-Which current New Haven Mayor and failed gubernatorial candidate, when spotted at gay hotspot Gotham playing Grab-Ass with some Duke’s Men, drunkenly protested “Hey, I’m reaching out to voters!”?

Toad’s Place Schedule

March 16, Darik and the Funbags celebrating their 1,000^th Show at Toad’s

March 19, Jigsaw Reunion show

March 27, Love me Two Times, a cover band of Light My Fire, which is a Doors cover band. Note: Sorry we couldn’t get Light My Fire, but they had a gig over at Noroton Heights Junior High.

The Comeback Kid

It looks like February got some reconstructive surgery and has decided to chill for 31 days this year after all.

We Did it!

As I walked out the door this morning I saw a 50 degree temperature, a sunny day, not a drop of snow on the ground- it looks like we did it, WE BROKE THE BACK OF FEBRUARY! Some naysayers like that pesky Punxsutawney Phil thought it would be a long February this year, but I stayed firm at 28 days, and lo and behold, I was right. Congratulations to all of us, from the East Coast to the West Coast to around the globe, for breaking the back of February!