San Francisco Treat, Part I

The first stop on my West Coast Tour was the Bay Area, specifically San Francisco. I was there to make my first hajj to the holiest site in my spiritual universe, my Mecca-- Nancy Pelosi's house. I can't show you a picture of it because no graven images are to be taken of it.

Of course, good pilgrim that I am, I stopped a bit aways from the house and found the nearest miqat. There I changed into the traditional garb of an Ihram with sandals while I chanted the talbiyah. At that point, I began the umrah, which consists of two parts, the tawaf and the sa'i. The two rituals are symbolic of the lives of Michael Dukakis and George McGovern. During the tawaf, I walked counter-clockwise around the kabaa three times at a hurried pace, followed by four times, more closely, at a leisurely pace. Then during the sa'i, I walked seven times back and forth between the Golden Gate Bridge and the Bay Bridge. Next, I trimmed one inch of my hair.

After all this preparation, I was finally able to look at Nancy Pelosi's house. Immediately when I saw the house, I fainted. The light and beauty emanating from it was too overpowering for a young pilgrim like myself. As I lay there passed out on the sidewalk, I saw a vision of Nancy. "Nancy," I asked, "why do conservatives hate you so much?" And Nancy's apparition said, "Who among the great spiritual figures has not been persecuted? Jesus, Mohammed, and now me. But do not let the doubters trouble you. Always live by my principles- raise taxes, cut and run in Iraq, and abort every baby you see- and you will be rewarded in the afterlife." When I woke up, I gathered myself and then performed the final tawaf:

Labbaika Allahomma Labbaik. Labbaik La Shareeka Laka Labbaik. Innal-Hamdah, Wan-Nematah, Laka wal Mulk, La Shareeka Laka Nancy Pelosi!