Bed Bug Scare at the Office

So rumor around the office is that one of the secretaries who works on the other side of the floor has bed bugs, and we are going to have to fumigate the office tomorrow. Of course everyone handles it in our oh-so-PC way and isn't curious who it is, and says "oh whoever it is, i hope she gets that taken care of." I guess this is the way a civilized society should operate in the 21st century. But part of me really wishes this were late 18th century Britain, when the scene would have been more like this:



(Enter MR. ROBERTSON, a portly bespectacled man in a 3 piece suit. With him is his manservant, JEFFREY. Jeffrey is carrying a large washtub)



Mr. Robertson: Alright ladies, out with it! Which of you swine has brought the pestilence to the office?

(silence)

Mr. Robertson: Well then the whole lot of you is fired unless the guilty party steps forward!

Shirley (a timid young lass): It was me, suh. I'm the one with the bed bugs. I didn't know I had 'em, honest I didn't! (starts crying)

Mr. Robertson: There, there, darling. No one is going to hurt you. Just get undressed, and we'll take care of this.

Shirley: Oh thank you sir! Wait, undressed? In front of the whole office?

Mr. Robertson (exasperated, to Jeffrey): Probably bathes in her own shit in front of the townsmen and she won't bathe here- unbelievable... (to Shirley) Yes, let's just get this over with.

(Shirley begins to disrobe)

Mr. Robertson: Jeffrey, take her clothes and burn them will you? (noticing the horrified reaction of the other girls in the office) Oh come now, I'm going to give her new clothes!

(Mr. Robertson begins vigorously scrubbing Shirley's body in the bathtub)

Mr. Robertson (to Jeffrey): Basic sanitation, it's not that complicated! Wash your bloody armpits, maybe your lady parts!

Jeffrey: Perhaps I could hand out a book on the subject to the girls?

Shirley: I'd like that!

Mr. Robertson: Jeffrey, we're not dealing with the Dutchess of York here, alright, they've probably never read the Bible. Just put a big vat of lye in the corner over there. (disgusted, he stands up) Jesus, I've taken too much time on this already. You finish up. I've got a bridge game at the club! Don't let anyone pull anything naughty with the girl. Not that I'd expect that from you given your proclivities.

Jeffrey: Mr. Robertson!

Mr. Robertson: Oh come now, you big queen, I'll keep your little secret.

(Mr. Robertson storms off in a huff)
Mr. Robertson (muttering to himself): Cleaning vermin off these swine... I went to Oxford... I should've been a barrister... Harrison's a barrister... he spends his days writing and reading like a proper gentleman...