Friday, October 30, 2009

Last Minute Costume Ideas for the Ladies

Sexy Oldest Woman Alive!

Sexy Surly Chain-Smoking Waitress at a Shitty Diner!

Sexy Ruth Bader Ginsburg/Basketball Player!

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Two Real-Life Scenes from Stu's Life in Harlem

1. Stu and I are in a park in Harlem. Stu has just recently come out as gay. He is telling me how hard it is to deal with his sexual identity crisis, how being gay has altered his fundamental conception of self and will change some people's perception of him, but fortunately we live in a tolerant and open society, he'll figure it out and it'll be alright.

We walk toward the park's exit contemplatively. Three young kids from the projects approach us.

Bodie-esque Hopper: Hey yo, is it gay for a twelve year old boy to hold hands with another boy?

Wallace-esque Hopper: It's not gay, I just like holdin' hands with my friends!

Poot-esque Hopper: So which is it?

Stu: Oh it's not gay to hold hands with another boy; it's just a bit unusual
(Stu starts to walk away, grinning at having taught a lesson of tolerance)

Bodie-esque Hopper: See, even that white dude think you a faggot, faggot.

2. Stu and I exit Stu's building and a project resident approaches Stu.

Project Resident: Hey my man, you hear my brother Randall he out of the hospital now, doctahs say he gonna make a full recovery.

Stu: That's wonderful!
(Stu begins to walk away)

Project Resident: So, uh, I was wonderin' if maybe you had a dollar to spare because I've got this train I gotta... (trails off)

(Stu gives Project Resident a dollar)

This exchange made me realize that even though this Project Resident probably doesn't use e-mail, his interaction with Stu was the proto- "e-mail where you ask for a favor but throw in some meaningless personal bullshit first in the form


Hey buddy,

Long time no see. I've been keeping busy, you know this and that. Randy might get a promotion at work, so that's exciting. How're things with Jenny going?

Anyway, I had this idea for an article for Slate and I know you're tight with those guys so I was just wondering if you could maybe pass it along with a little note of approval, you know no big thing.

p.s. we gotta hang out more!"

Wednesday, October 07, 2009

Scene from The Economy's family life

The Economy, shock of shocks, is Jewish. And a couple weekends ago, The Economy, who is usually pretty much all over the country, came back to New York to visit his parents for the High Holy Day of Yom Kippur. I happened to stumble upon this family scene:

The Economy's Dad: How've you been, son?

The Economy: Oh fine, fine. You know, keeping busy.

The Economy's Mom: What about money, how're you holding up?

The Economy: Great, yeah no problems on that front.

The Economy's Mom: Honey, don't lie to me. We read the papers, we know what's going on.

The Economy: Oh you can't believe everything you read, Mom

The Economy's Dad: 9.8% unemployment? Negative economic growth? That doesn't sound fine to me

The Economy: Seriously, I'm fine. Can we talk about something else? How's Aunt Sadie doing?

The Economy's Mom (to Dad): Herbert, get my purse.

The Economy: No, no! You are not giving me any money.

The Economy's Mom: It's just a hundred dollars. Just to make life a little easier!

The Economy: Absolutely not! I'm not 15 years old! I don't need a fucking allowance!

The Economy's Dad (handing The Economy a $100 bill): Don't curse at your mother. Just take the money, kiddo. There's no shame in needing a little help. If you don't need it, just spend it on something nice- take a nice girl out to dinner. Speaking of which, any nice girls in your life?

The Economy: This is- I can't even. Ugh, this is why I hate coming home

The Economy's Mom: Well you're always welcome here