Monday, December 17, 2012

Guy at a Cocktail Party Who For Medical Reasons Can't Eat, Drink, Piss, Poop, or Grab a Breath of Fresh Air

"Excuse me, we've run out of subjects to talk about and now you're boring me. I'm going to go find someone else to talk to or, barring that, check my phone"

Friday, December 07, 2012

Guy Who Thinks He's Going to Read A Lot in Prison


[First Day of Prison]
[Buddy drops off College-Educated Convict at the prison gates]

Buddy: Hey man - good luck in there. No TV, no internet, no phone, no women - what kind of a country do we live in where you have to endure that, all for embezzling a few thousand bucks?

College-Educated Convict: No you don't understand. It's an amazing opportunity dude - no TV, no internet, no phone, no women? That means NO DISTRACTIONS! I can finally read all those long books I didn't read back in college - Moby DickAnna KareninaThe Power Broker. Plus I'll have time to learn Italian, learn Chinese, and even improve my chess game! Prison transformed Malcolm X into the urbane, well-read man he was - it's all right there in The Autobiography of Malcolm X, which I'm gonna read all 500 pages of in prison!!!

Buddy: Wow, when you look at it that way... I'm jealous bro!

[Last Day of Prison, 2 years Later]
[Buddy is picking College-Educated Convict up at prison gates]

Buddy: Ni hao

College-Educated Convict: What?

Buddy: "Ni Hao" - ya know, Chinese for "Hello." I mean you must be fluent by now but I just learned that phrase from my waitress last night, heh

College-Educated Convict: Yeah... um, I didn't exactly learn as much Chinese as I intended to. 

Buddy: But now you parliamo italiano, si?

College-Educated Convict: No, no didn't learn Italian either. Or improve my chess game much.

Buddy: But the long books - I mean you must've ripped through The Power Broker

College-Educated Convict: Well, uh, I, uh, I got through the Yale years. And I mean that time pretty much molded Moses into the man he'd become so --

Buddy: -- wait you had 2 years of no TV, no internet, no phone, no women and you still didn't read any more books than I did?

College-Educated Convict: Ya know, I mean, 2 years is less time than it seems - it really goes by fast. And I got into this wicked volleyball league. Well it wasn't really a league but we played like 2, sometimes 3 times a week. And the warden was really nice so he'd let us watch TV whenever the Red Sox games were on, and baseball's a 162-game season. Plus my cellmate Jose it turns out knew almost as much about The Beatles as I do, so we traded all sorts of crazy trivia - did you know there's a version of Please Please Me with Pete Best on the cover instead of Ringo?

Buddy: Basically what you're telling me is that it's impossible to actually sit down and read long books as an adult, no matter what the circumstances

[pause]

College-Educated Convict: Yes.

Friday, October 26, 2012

2 Dudes in a 2-Man Horse Costume at a Halloween Party

[Before the Party]

Alpha Guy: Look I just happen to feel like being the front guy tonight. But the back guy's basically the same thing - we're a team here, it takes 2 to be a horse

Beta Guy: OK, so you promise you're gonna get me involved in your conversations with the ladies? I mean I'm gonna be crouched over and staring at your ass so I don't really get how that's gonna work...

Alpha Guy: Dude, it's gonna be fine. No one'll be able to see my face either. But that'll add to the mystique. We're gonna be fuckin' Siamese Wingman Twins!

Beta Guy: Yeahhh S-siamese Wingman Twins

Alpha Guy: Alright now get in there and let's get some ass!

[At the Party]
[Alpha and Beta Guy, in horse costume, enter the party. Alpha Guy takes his horse head mask off to reveal his face. They approach a Girl in Cowgirl costume]

Alpha Guy:  Hey Cowgirl, you lookin' for a horsie to ride?

Cowgirl: I dunno, can you handle me?

Beta Guy (muffled): Hey - ask if she has a friend!

Cowgirl: Is somebody in there with you?

Alpha Guy: Uh... nope. Those back legs are animatronic, but they include these "Sounds from the Range" for extra realism

Cowgirl: Fancayyy

[Alpha Guy starts making out with Cowgirl]

Beta Guy (muffled): It's getting really sweaty in here! Hello? (sigh) At least this costume has that "new rubber" smell inside

[Alpha Guy farts in Beta Guy's face]
[Exeunt]

Friday, August 10, 2012

Behind the Scenes at Casa McCain


[John McCain and Lindsey Graham are sitting on the couch. Cindy McCain enters]

John McCain: Gladiator's about to start - where are the damned snacks?

[Cindy McCain hands over a bag of piping-hot microwaved popcorn]
Cindy McCain: Here you go, boys

[John McCain throws the popcorn on the ground, kernels spilling everywhere]
John McCain: Goddamnit I'm a maverick you dumb bitch! You think I eat popcorn? When I'm watching a movie?! I'm a maverick! 

Lindsey Graham: Yeah if we went to a baseball game, you think John would get peanuts? Maybe a hot dog? With a lil ketchup and mustard?

[John McCain is guffawing]
John McCain: Hahaha that's a good one Linds! You know what I actually ate last time I was at a ball game? Garbanzo beans - just a whole can of raw chickpeas. Maverick! Not that this stupid cunt over here would notice

[Now Lindsey Graham is guffawing]
Cindy McCain: Hey Lindsey I bet I know what you like to snack on, ya big queer

Lindsey Graham: Now you wait just a gosh darned second! Just because I'm 57 years old and have never been married or even dated anyone and hang around exclusively with men doesn't mean jack squat! I'm straight as an arrow!

[John McCain throws scalding hot coffee at Cindy McCain]
[Cindy McCain leaves the room hysterically crying and burning]

Lindsey Graham (eyes tearing up): What a maverick thing to do, John

[John McCain gives his trademark John McCain smile]





Monday, June 18, 2012

Sign #536 I've Become An Anonymous Yupster [this really happened]

 
[I'm walking down the street in Yupster uniform of button-down shirt, black jeans, sneakers, Wayfarers. I pass a different Yupster Deathstar from the one I live in - The Edge, not Rent on Kent. A Redhead Walking Her Dog, wearing yoga pants, makes eye contact with me]

Redhead Walking Her Dog: Hey! Good to see you!

Me (startled): Uh, oh - hey! Yeah, good to, uh, see you too

My Interior Monologue: Am I supposed to know this woman?

Redhead Walking Her Dog: Did you see the new rowing machines they put in the gym? So fantastic!

My Interior Monologue: Jesus Christ - she thinks I'm her neighbor at The Edge

Me: Yeah - upper body's the key to the whole thing!

Redhead Walking Her Dog: I know! Anyway, this guy's gettin' antsy for a walk, but so good to see you!

Me: You too! See you 'round

[Redhead Walking Her Dog walks away]

My Interior Monologue: Maybe I should I just go ahead and legally change my name to Daniel Bateman...

Saturday, May 19, 2012

Scene from Berger Family, 1991

[Berger family has just landed at LaGuardia Airport after a week in Florida. Rich and I head toward the taxi line]
Mr. Berger: Guys no need to wait in line - I ordered us a limousine, he should be here any second

8-year-old Dan: Awesome! I love riding in limos! I'm so psyched!

[A minute later, a black Lincoln Town Car arrives and stops. I keep looking past it in search of our limo]


Mr. Berger: Here's our limo guys, put your bags in the trunk and let's get in

8-Year-Old Dan's Interior Monologue: Are you fucking KIDDING ME?! You can call a regular Lincoln Town Car a 'limousine'? That's complete bullshit! A 'limousine' should only mean a STRETCH LIMO! Extra long, fits 8 people, long bench seating, bottled water and M&Ms - we all know what a fucking limo is! This 'limousine' possibly meaning just a Town Car is the worst meme ever!!!

8-Year-Old Dan: Wow, here it is - our very own limo! Thanks Dad!

Wednesday, May 02, 2012

Overheard in NY on a Rooftop facing the Hudson River

[2 Jersey Girls see me packing up a DSLR still camera which I'd just shot a video on]

Jersey Girl 1: Hey you're a photographah take our picshah [hands me her phone]

Me: Sure.

[A giant light right next to me makes it impossible to see any background unless they move away from me]

Me: Could you move to your right. OK. 1. 2. 3.

[I hand phone back to Jersey Girl 1 - she and Jersey Girl 2 look at it as I finish packing up my gear and am about to walk away]

Jersey Girl 2:  They-ah's not much Jersey in this picshah

Jersey Girl 1: Not much Jersey at awwl! [Turning to me] Excuse me, we aww from Jersey and when I gave you the camera I figured you'd get Jersey in the picshah, not this silly rooftop.

Me: It's just the exposure difference between the light foreground and dark background makes it-- ah never mind [I take phone from Jersey Girl 1] 1. 2. 3.
[I hand phone back to Jersey Girl 1 and rush away from them, but catch their reactions]

Jersey Girl 1: Some photographah - ya can still byarely see Jersey

Jersey Girl 2: Idiot 



Saturday, March 17, 2012

King Leer









[Waikiki Beach]

Sunbathing Girl Lying on Her Stomach with Her Top Off's Inner Monologue: Look at this creep trying to check me out. He thinks because he has sunglasses on I can't see what he's up to? It serves this slimeball right that I'm on my stomach so he can't see anything exciting

My Inner Monologue: (slow clap) Hats off to you. Wonderful effort. You turned over onto your stomach, you have your head down instead of arching your back up - you've done everything you're supposed to to shield yourself from my leering eyes. But there's just one little thing you forgot. And that, my dear, is SIDEBOOB

Sunbathing Girl Lying on Her Stomach with Her Top Off's Inner Monologue: Jesus what is this guy staring at the sliver of skin peeking out of the side of my chest? Is that how desperate he is? Gross

[Sunbathing Girl wraps her towel closer around her chest, though a tiny bit of Sideboob is still peeking out]

My Inner Monologue: Touché. You may have won this battle, but I'll win this war. And it's not only me - I've got an army millions strong of leerers. We few, we happy few, we band of brothers (and some lesbian sisters) are on patrol from these sands of Oahu to the beaches of Brazil, from the coast of Cannes to the margins of Malibu. For I ask you this - if a Sideboob sits on the beach and no one's there to see it, is it really a Sideboob?

Sunbathing Girl Lying on Her Stomach with Her Top Off's Inner Monologue: Oh. My. God. He is still standing there. I'm gonna get my Dad over here

[Sunbathing Girl waves over her Dad, a ripped Alpha All-American type in board shorts]

My Inner Monologue: Fuck - is that her father? Oh shit I gotta get out of here.
[I turn in the other direction]

Me: Rich! There you are! You gotta tell me when you move our stuff!

And then I ran away in fear...

But not without having made a deposit. Not at Citibank, or Chase, or even Bank of America. No in these frightful days of Bear Stearns blowups and Morgan Stanley meltdowns, I made that deposit at the only institution a man can trust anymore - the Sideboob Memory Bank

Friday, March 16, 2012

Beta Guy In The Emergency Room Waiting Area With His Dad Who's Having Chest Pains

Beta Guy's Dad (clutching chest): Ahhhh! It hurts real bad! Tell 'em I need to see a doc pronto!

Beta Guy: Of course, Dad - I'm gonna get you to the top of the list don't you worry.

[Beta Guy approaches Jorge, the tattooed nurse at the ER front desk. Jorge is on his cell phone. Beta Guy tries to make eye contact with Jorge but fails]

Jorge (into phone): Girl ah told joo that was not perfume you smelled on mah shirt... no ah never said it was cologne. It's a unisex fragrance by Calvin Klein--

Beta Guy (raises his hand with one finger extended): Uh, sorry excuse me

Jorge (into phone): -- called CK Be... because ah wanted to try something different

Beta Guy: Uh, hi my Dad--

Jorge: I'll be with you in a minute OK mang

[Bearded Guy approaches the front desk]

Jorge (into phone): The receipt for the CK Be?

Bearded Guy: HEY! HEY! LISTEN TO ME!

Jorge (into phone): I - I didn't keep it baby - I'm trying to go paperless--

[Bearded Guy grabs Jorge's cell phone and hits "End Call"]

Bearded Guy (screaming): Chat time's over, mi amigo! Alright because while you're havin' a grand ol' time with your lil' hoochie mama my son over there's arm is swelling to the size of a goddamned Christmas ham from the bee sting he got! So unless you want me to send so many INS agents to your house it'll make the Elian Gonzalez raid look like a fuckin' cozy dinner party, you're gonna let my boy see a doctor right now!

Jorge: Jesus, OK you and your son go to Room 3. A doctor'll be in there shortly

[Bearded Guy grabs his son and storms off to Room 3]

Jorge (muttering to himself): Coño

Beta Guy: Yikes. Anyway, my dad over there is having chest pains and I was wondering if there was any way you could get him to see a doctor soon

Jorge: Well that asshole took the last open room but I'll put you at the top of the list OK my friend

Beta Guy: Oh thanks that's great! Really appreciate it

[Beta Guy walks back to Beta Guy's Dad]

Beta Guy: Dad, great news - you're at the top of the list!

Beta Guy's Dad: Uh huh, uh huh. The pain's gettin' worse and... I'm startin' to drift in and out of consciousness I need to see someone now

[Beta Guy looks over and Jorge's back on the phone, animated]

Beta Guy (putting a hand on Dad): Hey you're at the top of the list Dad, let's not push it

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: Can you believe that guy? Talking to a hospital employee like that?

Beta Guy (turns around, notices that Mother Holding Infant is attractive): Ohh - yeah totally out of line. And that racial stuff?

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: I know! I never thought I'd hear something like that in 2012

Beta Guy: Definitely a Republican. Probably voting for Santorum

[Attractive Mother Holding Infant laughs]

Attractive Mother Holding Infant (suddenly looking at watch): Ugh, if I don't see a doctor soon I'm gonna miss my older one's trumpet recital. I guess no one ever said single parenthood was gonna be easy

Beta Guy: Oh sure, it must be tough

[Beta Guy's Dad feebly taps Beta Guy on the shoulder]

Beta Guy: We're first in line Dad - don't worry.

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: The annoying thing is this little fella just has a fever, but they say if it's over 102 you should go to the emergency room to be on the safe side. The doctor'll probably recommend some Children's Tylenol and sleep and be done with us in 5 minutes. If we ever get to see one.

[Attractive Mother's cellphone buzzes from a text message]

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: My son: 'where are you Mom? All the other parents are here' - ughhh

Jorge: OK my friend a room just opened up. Let me show you and your father to Room 2.

Beta Guy's Dad (hopeful look on his face): Ahhhhh

Beta Guy: You know what, this young woman actually should go ahead of me because she's just gonna be 5 minutes.

Attractive Mother Holding Infant: Oh my god are you sure?

Beta Guy: Of course - hey I was once a teenage trumpet player myself and I can tell you it means a lot to have a friendly face in the crowd

Attractive Mother Holding Infant (touching Beta Guy's arm): Oh bless your heart! You are a saint. Take care of your Dad, he's not lookin' so hot

Beta Guy: Oh he's gonna be fine

[Attractive Mother Holding Infant and Jorge walk toward Room 2. Beta guy longingly watches Attractive Mother's backside in her tight jeans]

THREE DAYS LATER
[Beta Guy is speaking at Beta Guy's Dad's funeral]

Beta Guy: I was there at the bitter end, and unfortunately nothing could be done to save him

[An Old Timer who was in WW2 with Beta Guy's Dad stands up]

Old Timer: Bullshit! He was waiting in the Emergency Room for 3 hours, but you were too much of a goddamned spineless sissy to get him in front of a doctor! If you had one tenth the guts of your ol' man he'd be alive today

Beta Guy: Nothing. Could. Be done.

Wednesday, February 15, 2012

Mulatto Jesus Supreme Court Nomination Hearing

Sen. Lindsay Graham: Now Mr. Jesus, you went to the University of Michigan is that correct?

Mulatto Jesus: Uh, yes. Yes sir.

Sen. Lindsay Graham: And on the evening of September the 16th, 2004, you met a young woman named Ashley Perkins is that right?

Mulatto Jesus: I-I don't recall.

Sen. Lindsay Graham: Well whether you recall or not, Ms. Perkins was visiting her friend Britney Wilson that night in Ann Arbor. And she was considering transferring from SUNY Oneonta to Michigan in the spring.

Mulatto Jesus: Ah yes, now I remember.

Sen. Lindsay Graham: Glad I jogged your memory, Mr. Jesus. That night you said to Ms. Perkins, and I quote, "You gotta come to Michigan - it's the number one party school in America."

Mulatto Jesus: I-I think I said something like that, yes.

Sen. Lindsay Graham: No Mr. Jesus, you said exactly that. And yet according to Playboy Magazine, for the year 2004, the University of Michigan was only ranked the #7 Party School in America.

Mulatto Jesus: I just meant it was a really great party school

Sen. Lindsay Graham: But you didn't say "great" party school, Mr. Jesus. You said "Number One" party school. I checked Playboy's rankings and in fact Michigan wasn't even the Number One Party School in the Midwest. That honor went to the University of Wisconsin.

Mulatto Jesus: Well I seem to recall a U.S. News and World Report ranking of party--

Sen. Lindsay Graham: Mr. Jesus, don't come into the halls of Congress and try to tell me that U.S. News and World Report's rankings of party schools can even compare to Playboy's. Playboy's been in this game for 49 years - U.S. News didn't even mention schools' party scenes until the Bush Administration.

Mulatto Jesus: Why do you care about this? I didn't even hook up with that girl - I was just drunk and making idle chat. I guess I got confused.

Sen. Lindsay Graham: Got confused? Lied? Mr. Jesus can't even keep his story straight. This is why I care, Mr. Jesus - because if you are playing fast and loose with the rock-solid precedent of Playboy's party school rankings, then Lord knows what else you'd toss out the window in order to get your way - over 200 years of case law? The Bill of Rights? The Constitution of the United States of America? You, Mr. Jesus, and your activist judging ways, are what is wrong with American jurisprudence in the 21st century!
(beat)
I yield the remainder of my time to Senator Lieberman.



Tuesday, February 14, 2012

Guy whose name is ASDF

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Yeah we canceled your order because we figured it was some guy just typing random stuff on his keyboard as a prank

Guy whose name is ASDF: But if my name were Joe you'd have sent me the sweater? Look I have rights you know. I'm a human being!

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Well we were thinking about sending it out but then we saw your email was "asdf@asdf.com" and we were sure it was fake

Guy whose name is ASDF: What's your name?

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Mark

Guy whose name is ASDF: If you could get Mark@Mark.com wouldn't you make that your email address? I mean I don't think I'm being unreasonable here - if--

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Look man, do you want the sweater or not?

Guy whose name is ASDF: Of course I want the sweater! Now just to clarify, the address is 2473 slfjsldfj --

Online Merchant Customer ServiceBro: Alright nice try buddy

[dial tone]

Guy whose name is ASDF: Hello? HELLO? Goddamnit. I guess I'll just have to start calling myself Asher again.
[sigh]