Wednesday, April 26, 2006
Of course, Rico wasn't always a writer. His previous job was as a migrant avocado farmer in Baja. Though Rico worked very hard at his job, he did have un pocito of free time on the farm, which he spent hooting and whistling at the girls passing by.
And when he got home from hard day's work, Rico would just relax and sit down with a cold cerveza. Yup. Then he would hoot and whistle at the girls who walked by, particularly his Mama Rosa and his little sister Guadaloupe.
Much of his seasonal work on the avocado farm was solitary, but Rico did manage to make one great friend. Here is a picture of his best buddy, El chupacabra, also from his middle school yearbook (as it turned out, they went to rival schools- this was a great ice breaker when they first met):
El Chupacabra had a wide array of interests, including chinese checkers, though his primary hobby was sucking the blood out of goats. El chupacabra, of course, like Rico, also enjoyed hooting at the women passing by. But he did not enjoy whistling at them, and for this he was mocked mercilessly. In any case, El Chupacabra did not make the move with Rico to New Haven, citing inferior schools for his seven children as the main reason.
And so Rico arrived in New Haven alone, and since I was in New York moving tantalizingly close to becoming Senior Partner at The Firm, Tom negotiated with him. After twenty years of dealing with various Central American housekeepers, I figured Tom would know Spanish pretty well, but surprisingly, the only thing he'd learned was the Spanish phrase for "collar-stay."
In spite of the difficulty of communication, Tom decided he would teach Rico a lesson or two about the wonders of the free market before the negotiation. Tom explained to Rico the evils of unions and the minimum wage, how they discouraged job creation and actually hurt the poor. "So, how much is your labor worth to me?" wondered Tom aloud. "Well, first of all we need to take into account the fact that while you'll laugh at my jokes because it's part of your job, you won't really get my jokes, which though it is unrelated to the job, is a significant negative externality. Also..." As Tom mused, Rico grabbed a quarter that was stuck in Tom's Jew-Fro. "The ol' quarter behind the ear trick. You sly dog you," said Tom, not realizing that Rico had no idea what the quarter behind the ear trick was and was in fact just trying to double his net worth. "Alright Rico, you drive a hard bargain. 25 cents a month it is." Rico, not understanding what Tom said but wanting to be liked, enthusiastically replied, "si, si!" and shook Tom's hand vigorously. And that's where we stand today. Look for more content from this promising young blogger very soon!
Saturday, April 22, 2006
Susan Orlean: But why?
John Laroche: Done with fish.
These days I have more or less exhausted Dan Munz's vaunted poetic classics. Nothing ever really matched the elegant beauty of his Ode to the Camarones, the Valentine's Sonnet.
I had a lot of help along the way with my research, especially from one of the Chinese graduate students. I never really understood anything she said, but it's the thought that counts. I figured she would like a flower, as a token of my appreciation for her help. So I went to the gardening section outside the store and looked around for a little bit. Nothing really caught my eye. Then I saw a Bonsai tree, and almost got it, but remembered that it’s a Japanese thing, and how the Chinese are still a little sore after the Rape of Nan king and all. So I didn't get it. As I was walking in the store originally, I noticed an exceedingly beautiful cashier. Remembering this, I went to ask her some advice as to what flower to get for Ms. Liu. She mentioned that Orchids are always a good gift flower. So I walked to the back of the gardening section and picked out a gorgeous purple Phalaenopsis. "This should do" I thought. I mean, how many days and nights, and weekends, and endless hours, did she try explaining things to me, in vain? Liu: "Wortex Rightry" ... Me: "Huh? .... Oh! Vortex Lightly, thanks!"
So I picked out the purple plant, and as I was walking back, an old lady said, rather curmudgeonly, "Oh that's pretty." I said "thanks" and kept walking. Then another old woman said "Oh that’s pretty." It was kind of weird to hear two old women say exactly the same thing. I wonder if they are in some Orchid Society here in town. I wonder if I will come up in conversation in one of their meetings next month. Did you see that young lad buy the purple one? Oh wasn't it precious! It felt as if they were waiting their whole life just to say, "my god what a beautiful flower, you picked a nice one kid."
I walked up to the cash register to pay, plant in hand. I thanked the cashier, whose name I cannot recall, for the recommendation. Building up a little courage, she was surpassingly beautiful, may I remind you, I asked her if she had ever seen Adaptation. She hadn't. I tried explaining the plot, but explaining Adaptation is a little difficult. She seemed disinterested. But I wonder, how many others have asked her if she has seen the movie? I mean a lot of people must buy orchids. She has probably worked in that section of the store for sometime. Maybe she has seen it. Maybe everyone asks her that. She was a blonde. "A blonde to make a bishop kick a hole in a stained glass window" as Mr. Marlowe would say.
The rain began again; it didn't stop for a long time.
Wednesday, April 19, 2006
I haven't seen one of these suckers used since I went to Six Flags Atlantis Water Theme Park in North Miami when I was in Second Grade. (It was eventually closed because a girl died after falling off a particularly high water slide around 1992.)
I mean for crissakes, what's wrong with people? I was shocked to see people still using these on kids.
I had figured that technology has advanced atleast so far since '92 that we could expect remote control shock collars for toddlers by now. Well, it's Gainesville, what can you expect? I bet kids in Manhattan have Wi-Fi designer shock collars.
Monday, April 17, 2006
Thursday, April 13, 2006
Monday, April 10, 2006
So we find out today that Ms. Durham-Raleigh Crack Ho of the year is a liar.
Please see: No DNA matches found in Duke Rape case
Let me ask you what is more likely:
Scenario 1) Intelligent undergraduates at Duke University decide to stick their penises into the asshole of a most-likely HIV + stripper, beat her, and expect nothing will come of it. Neither criminal charges nor AIDS.
Scenario 2) A stripper claims she is raped, by RICH, WHITE MEN, so that she can receive compensation, above and beyond the single dollar bills people normally place betwixt her rump.
Now if her lying was not bad enough already, the black community descended upon the university and made a ruckus. What's so bad about that? Well, how often do African-American leaders cry foul over prejudice (read: prior to objective investigation) against their community? They, the Sharpton/Jackson types acted as if the "rape" was a foregone conclusion.
Now allow me to say that if the stripper was in fact raped, which is entirely possible, I feel quite sorry for her, and hope whomever is responsible is punished accordingly.
But what now? Is Duke not owed a big apology? Will it ever come?
A list of the rediculous carnival of bullshit that took place after the allegations:
Death threats were made against Duke students, including drive-by shootings. I guess the gangsta's atleast waited for the DNA evidence to come back. Good for them. What restraint!
The Lacrosse coach quit.
The season was cancelled.
Protests infront of the "Rape house"
Endless barrage of negative press, including a sappy NYTimes piece about the irreparable damage caused by these vile acts.
From the NYTimes article:
Over the weekend, they told reporters that photos taken at the party show the woman was injured even before she arrived, and impaired, too. And while answering questions about their clients' legal troubles -- about a third of the current team has been charged in recent years with public urination, underage possession of alcohol and disorderly conduct -- they have suggested that the woman's own criminal past undermines her credibility.
They pointed to a June 2002 incident in which the alleged victim stole the taxi of a man to whom she was giving a lap dance at a Durham strip club. Court records say she led a sheriff's deputy on a winding chase at up to 70 mph, and tried to run him down as he approached the cab.
She pleaded guilty to misdemeanor counts of larceny, speeding to elude arrest, assault on a government official and driving while impaired, and spent some weekends in jail.
A full-page advertisement in the college newspaper on Thursday, taken out by the department of African and African-American studies along with other departments, called the situation a "social disaster."
Go Blue (White?) Devils!
Blog magazine: "So what are you going to do with all that money? Buy a car? Buy a night with someone else's wife? Set up a Delino DeShields blog scholarship fund?"
Al: "Actually, I plan on paying Hasbro an undisclosed sum in order to ensure that they make a new Shout About game available for my enjoyment every day for the rest of my life."
Thursday, April 06, 2006
So, when we posted this job on Craigslist, we expected to be flooded with e-mails from American citizens. But day after day went by, and no one was responding. Finally, after nearly a month, an illegal immigrant named Rico offered his services and Rich hammered out a deal with him under the table. Therefore, we are delighted to announce the new, revamped CHESS BABE OF THE MONTH, BY RICO. His first post should be any day now...