Wednesday, January 23, 2013

At the Cutting Edge of #30Bro Denial

My Interior Monologue: Damnit this wisdom tooth is coming in back there, kinda sore. Maybe I should go to the dentist... NO! Can't admit to yourself you have wisdom teeth - that means you're old! Sure some people get their wisdom teeth when they're like 20, but some people become Norwood 7 freaks when they're 20 too! Wisdom teeth = old. Must stay young. Ignore the soreness. Just pay attention to your youthful teeth. Do I still have any baby teeth in there? Probably not - but as long as I don't acknowledge the wisdom teeth and stay below Norwood 2 I'll still be young... Ow! Should probably gChat KevCops about this issue

Sunday, January 06, 2013

Snapple CEO at His Country Club the Day After He Launched Kris's Mix Up

Country Club Member: Hey I saw you put out Kris's Mix-Up, that Half-Lemonade Half-Iced Tea drink 

Snapple CEO's Inner Monologue: Dear God I hope he doesn't mention Arnold Palmers. No one mention Arnold Palmers!

Snapple CEO: Oh yeah - Kris, Kris Mains - she's in our R&D Department. One day she accidentally mixed a batch of our Iced Tea with our Lemonade, and well we thought that combo tasted so good we should make it a new Snapple flavor!

Country Club Member: Uh-huh, uh-huh, very exciting. The only thing is this club's been serving half-lemonade, half-iced teas - you know, Arnold Palmers - for years. You must've had one before Kris had her little mix-up?

Snapple CEO's Inner Monologue: Why did I come here - here, ground zero for Arnold Palmers?! Did I need to play golf that badly? I gotta lie low for a while 'till this whole thing dies down

Snapple CEO: Arnold... Palmer. Like the golfer? He has a half-lemonade half-iced tea drink named after him, and they serve it here?

Country Club Member: I mean Juan at the bar is always pushing it on members in the summer - it's his specialty, he has a secret ratio of lemonade to iced tea. I can't believe he hasn't served you one. Hold on a second - JUAN?

Snapple CEO's Inner Monologue: If Juan comes over here I'm a dead man. I practically lived on Arnold Palmers the whole summer of '92

Snapple CEO [getting up]: Oooh you know what I'm a little rusty I gotta hit the range before the first tee. See you around, buddy

Country Club Member: Wait, Juan's coming! 

[Snapple CEO rushes out the door]

Snapple CEO's Inner Monologue: Phew, that was close. I can't take this kind of pressure - I'm gonna have to scrap the plans for that Hot Toddy rip-off "Brenda's Boozy Brew"