Friday, October 31, 2008

Responding to the Elitists!

Here are my prepared remarks for the big rally this afternoon:

With the election season heating up, a lot of the Coastal Elites in the Elite Media have been smearing my record as a student. A driving student that is.

Some in the Georgetown Cocktail set and the Park Avenue Matrons have been insulting me for having bounced around from "obscure" school to "obscure" school five times and barely graduating. Well as you folks know, not everyone has the means to go to the famous, tony schools like Princeton Passenger Car, Truck Driving and School Bus Academy or Stanford School of Delivery, Passenger and Ambulance Drivers.

But let me tell you something, from AutoNautics Driving School and Notary Public all the way to NY Remedial Driving Academy, back to AutoNautics, back to NY Remedial, and finally to Grand Prix Driving School where I proudly received my degree, I met some amazing folks. Folks who don't need fancy schools or arugula or martinis to feel like they're doin' something important in this country.

Folks like Tom Dominguez, who's driving a Domino's delivery car out in Flatbush, Brooklyn. Folks like Janet Heller, who drives a Domino's car out in Maspeth, Queens. And especially folks like Lamar Watkins, who is a livery cab driver... who then throws up a Domino's triangle on the car and delivers pizzas at night.

So when the Phony Elites tell you folks that they're better than you, that they know what's good for you, remember me and all the other amazing Americans who are ordinary folks doing the real work of this country and making it great.

Thank you, and God Bless you, and God Bless America.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a 30 minute deadline to meet on this Veggie Supreme and the customer's all the way out in Prospect Heights.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Medical Miracle!

Remember how in the 90's there used to be a ton of commercials for products that would cure a Yeast Infection in 7 days... and then it was 5 days... and then it was 3 days... but nowadays you never see a commercial for yeast infection cures. Did the medical wizzes finally cure yeast infections once and for all? I have to assume so.

Here is a video from the Bad Old Days when women used to actually get Yeast Infections:

Monday, October 20, 2008

That time of year again...

So I was walking down the street this morning, rushing to catch the bus, when I saw an elderly man collapse. Good samaritan that I am, I stopped and knelt down next to him.

Dan: Sir, are you alright?
Old Man (clutching chest): I... (cough)... I think I'm having a heart attack! Call an ambulance!
Dan: Call a what?
Old Man: An ambulance!
Dan: I'm not understanding you, sorry. (nudging him) Are you aware of what month it is?
Old Man (clutching chest): Uh... (cough)... October.
Dan: And let's see, does anything special happen in October? Any holidays?
Old Man: I'm really (gasping for air)... hurting here. Uh, October? Thanksgiving?
Dan: No, thanksgiving is in November. Think about it...
Old Man: I could die any second here, please... (resigning himself to playing Dan's game) Um... oh Halloween!
Dan: Yes! And so what is it again that you need me to call?
Old Man: An Am-BOOOOOOOO-lance! Ha! (coughing) Oh silly me. Jeez I can't believe I forgot about Halloween. Hey, who are you voting for in the election?
Dan: I guess Barack Obama and Joe Biden.
Old Man (clutching chest): You mean BOOOOO-rack O-BOOO-ma and Joe BOOOO-den?
Dan: Of course, good one! And what's their campaign slogan?
Old Man (really struggling now): I... can't... please call for helllllllllp
Dan: Nice try, but it's "Change we can BOOOO-lieve in!"
(No response from Old Man)
Dan: Uh, sir?
(Dan realizes Old Man is dead)
(Dan slowly backs away from the body and runs to catch the bus)

Bus Driver: Welcome to the BOOOOS! How's your morning?
Dan (shifting eyes): Oh great, great. No dead BOOOdies, nope nope. Doo doo doo doo doo. I mean boo boo boo boo boo!

So Happy Halloween from Delino and, for the last time, President BOOOOOSH!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Liveblogging the Debate 3: Cross-posted at Death-Media

9:00- B.A. gives A.G. a beer which then explodes- GAFFE!

9:02- Both candidates are pimpin'- McCain with his pinstripes and Obama with his diagonal tie

9:04- GAFFE! McCain says "Fannie and Freddie Mae"

9:05- AG kills the CNN HD Ohio uncommitted voters trend graph and CNN pundit scorecard- JESUS I am going to actually have to pay attention to these idiots! We're on PBS now! Ahhh not the issues!!!

9:06- McCain's blinking algorithm is malfunctioning

9:08- That drinking game where you take a shot when McCain raises his right arm above his head stands- it's going to be a sober night...

9:09 - Love the Joe the Plumber content. Get that guy his own reality show.

9:10- We HAVE to change the channel. Watching on PBS makes me feel like I'm in civics class. Boooring

9:11- YES we changed to NBC- distracting graphics again; soothing, ahhh...

9:12- Schieffer talking about deficit- snooooze; not even flashy graphics will save this

9:14- Obama says "Pay as you go" - ahhh the Washington Post editorial board is having a circle jerk

9:15- McCain is writing his notes with a SHARPIE in all caps like a Kindergartener- MAVERICK

9:16- Tom scared everyone off with his sarcastic email

9:17- McCain is talking about cutting the budget using a "hatchet AND a scalpel" - BA suggests using a dildo

9:18- more hatchet and SCALPEL content- MEME!

9:20- McCain is obsessed with this projector thing- Marty Beckerman says, "I think John McCain is thinking about movie night at the old folks' home"

9:21- Pretty sure Obama's drawing penises with that Uniball

9:23- McCain brought his hand HALF-WAY up to his head- you guys and gals out there get HALF A SHOT!

9:25- McCain is obsessed with the Town Halls. We saw how last week's town hall worked out for the McCainBot- i don't understand why he wanted more????

9:30 - Obama is joking around, he knows he has this thing in the bag...

9:32- Obama brings up "Terrorist!" and "Kill him!" "Pallin' around with terrorists" - siiiiick; he is going for the jugular. Smart of him to bring it up first and set up the frame of negative attacks on him as crazy.

9:34- What are those t-shirts at the Obama rallies that McCain is talking about???? I want to see those!

9:37-McCain drops the AYERS and ACORN BOMBS!!!! Siiick! Finally some fireworks!

9:38- Obama has a sick response where he makes himself seem bipartisan at the same time! Amazing response- Washington Post editorial board is nutting again!

9:40- Major hat tip to Tom-- "A real-time poll of decided New Yorkers is giving the debate to Obama"

9:41- Joe Biden Scranton content! MEME!

9:44- McCain's dropping the special needs TRIG BOMB!

9:47- Schieffer says "Climate Control" instead of climate change- are we talking about my thermostat here? OHHH!! What's that animal with a long neck? I can't quite remember... oh yeah the Gir-GAFFE!

9:54- Obama's never been to Mexico? Huh, I figured him for a Senor Frog's kind of guy

9:57- Schieffer is so old- can we get that sprightly fairy Anderson Cooper to moderate the second half of this thing?

10:02- Obama is showing off how much he can move his hands- good call, rub it in McCain's face.

10:06- back to CNN - JESUS is Gergen even paying attention? He and Bennett have maddd low numbers for both candidates- a total of 10. Castellanos is going nuts but this Martin person is GOING INSANNNNNNE- he's put up 100 points!!!

10:09- Obama says "one of us may make more than one appointment to the Supreme Court..." - is this a hex on Rutebega Ginsburg?

10:11- the trendlines are flatlining; the Ohio undecideds are asleeeeep...

10:12- McCain calls Obama "pro-abortion"- them's fightin' words- and... women's trendlines are dippin' - Dipset!

10:15- these Ohio undecided rabble love Obama's "sexuality is sacred" content

10:19 - (Triumph the Insult Comic Voice): "Theece computer is like John McCain's campaign- eet's on life support!"

10:20 - computer's back- whew!

10:21- good idea McCain- send those PTSD soldiers into the classrooms!

10:27- McCain with the creepy Joker laugh again- MAVERICK! McCain can barely speak a sentence without flubbing it- MAVERICK!

10:28- via BA- McCain concludes, "I hope you give me an opportunity to serve again... before I die"

10:30- we hear the mics of the candidates; sick- McCain robotically says "Good job, good job!" and then does a cute little old man shuffle that almost makes me want to vote for... but not

10:31- Cindy McCain just defined the word PERFUNCTORY with that handshake with Michelle! Ouch! So perfunctory! And finally one last... GAFFE!

Sunday, October 12, 2008


Nostradamus, god bless his soul, has been giving me guitar lessons for the past few months. While thinking of songs to learn, I stumbled across The Beatles' "Yesterday." I thought a bit about this song and I'm pretty puzzled by it. It was written at the height of the Beatles' success in the mid-60's. So why such a sad song? How did they even get in that mindset? To my mind, the song should have gone

(to the tune of "Yesterday"): "drink drink drink, drugs drugs drugs drugs nut nut nut, nut nut drugs nut nut nut drugs drugs drugs, nut nut nut, drugs drugs drugs..."

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Liveblogging the Debate 2

9:00- Tom Brokaw, Very Serious Journalist

9:03- Obama says "The economy is not doing well right now"- OOOH IT IS ON! THINGS ARE GETTING UGLY

9:05- Begala has a major boner right now- he gave Obama 2 points before Obombs even opened his mouth and now he's at 6

9:07- Mccain is supposed to do BETTER In the town hall format? Yeah showcase that robotic arm, good idea Steve Schmidt!

9:10- McCain is getting UGLY with the "Obama and his buddies in Freddie and Fannie"- IT'S REALLY ON! "Obama was loaning to his (whisper) black friends who couldn't afford to pay. (whisper ) Muslim

9:15- Even CASTELLANOS is judging McCain's performance as poor! There's an old adage in politics- "No Republican has won the election without the crucial Castellanos vote"

9:16- Rich notes Gergen has -(-2) for McCain Isn't that +2! I remember my arithmetic

9:18- Obama is being purposefully boring i think. White people love boring shit - NASCAR, mayonnaise, the suburbs. brilliant strategy

9:20- Questioner has a "t-t-t- today" moment- GAFFE!

9:21- New drinking game- drink every time McCain lifts his right arm above his arm above his head- Oh wait you won't get to have any shots!

9:22- McCain isn't moving his right arm above his head- MAVERICK!

9:23- Obama is smirking while McCain bashes him- he knows those trendlines are flatlining. Ballah!

9:24- The Straight Talk from McCain on cutting entitlements- ok don't these pols ever get it; the plebes just want to hear "energy independence" or whatever positive BS

9:25- Marty Beckerman once said "John McCain says 'my friends' alot; I think McCain belongs in the old folks home where he'll have a lot of friends"

9:27- Toobin is STINGY! So is Borger! Are they even paying attention? Are they in the CNN electrical closet doing the swing state screw

9:30- Obama drops the 9/11 bomb! Is the mention of Bush part of a brilliant subtle marketing campaign for the movie "W." which opens in theaters October 17?

9:32- OK Castellanos is at +17 for Obama, double what anyone is for anyone else! I think he senses the tide is changing in America and he wants to be a liberal commentator now. What I see is two boring dudes boring the shit out of me, but Castellanos sees a "home run" somehow?

9:35: Some guy was talking in the background- GAFFE!

9:36- Hatchet v. scalpel comparison- ahh a classic liberal meme!

9:37- McCain turns directly to Obama and says some attack line that starts "i've got news for you senator Obama"... and the trendlines flatline again

9:38- "The Straight Talk Express lost a wheel"- Obama is the next Andrew Dice Clay!

9:39- Good god this is the ugliest crowd I've ever seen in my life. Can I get the camera operators on the phone, do they know that there's a way to use a zoom lens so that the candidate is in focus and the people in the background are a blur?

9:40- What is with the Dem fetishization of the middle class? These are the people who have brought us Applebee's, Two and a Half Men and USA Today...

9:47- 5 minutes on energy and no T Boone Pickens content??? I'm disgusted

9:48- Tom Brokaw is a fucking troglodytet. He doesn't understand shit about technology or history.

9:49- McCain calls Obama "That One" oooh forget the South in 2008, it's the South in 1808 up in this bitch!

9:51- McCain is wandering around the stage like a doddering geezer- get MARTY BECKERMAN ON THE PHONE NOW FOR A GAG!

9:53- Obama mentions "you'll get a health care plan as good as John and mine have as federal employees" - jesus between that and the "we took our eye off the ball when we moved from Aghanistan to Iraq" I feel like I'm watching Kerry Deuce! What's next, "Global test!" "Tora Bora!"

9:56- when Obama said "Health Care is a right for every American," 50 million liberals just clapped in front of their TV's and said in unison in a whiny jewy voice "THAT'S RIGHT!"

9:58- Obama is talking about health care and woman are absolutely NUTTING THEMSELVES- they've been on the max level for a minute straight!

10:03- Toobin is back with a vengeance at Obama +13- he must have nutted when I wasn't paying attention and gotten back to the buzzer

10:06- McCain mentions Petraeus and trendlines dip- is it his horrible haircut?

10:07- McCain- "these times requires a cool hand at the tiller, a cool PARALYZED hand!"

10:08- McCain is wheezing- start the McCain Death Clock...

10:09- YES! Obama busts out the "Pahhkeestahn" pronunciation- Christiane Amanpour is wet right now!

10:12- Did he say Waziristan or WARIO-istan? If it's the latter i am scared! That Wario is fucking crazy! Have you seen his racecourse it's filled with pitfalls...

10:20- Begala loves the "I saw three letters in Putin's eyes- K G B" joke again; He also loves getting pounded in the ass by James Carville on the National Mall

10:23- the questions asked are so biased toward mealy-mouthed bullshit about health care and conventional wisdom foreign policy shit about "humanitarian intervention". Has Brokaw not noticed that the fucking American economy is going to shit before our eyes?

10:27- The Israel dick-sucking continues on both sides. "In terms of Iran, we'll take no options off the table"- IOZ is right they are both imperialists

10:31- Gergen has put up the fewest points of anyone. He is beating it- in a reverie about the 2nd Bush-Dukakis debate in '88...

The end- Brokaw mentions that he's reading off a teleprompter -GAFFE!

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Liveblogging the Debate: Warning this is probably terrible

8:57 - Is Actual Rod on the scene in St. Louis?

8:58 - Can we put to rest the meme of Palin video commenters saying "funny but TOO REAL! I can't watch"

8:59 - OK i hate McCain as much as the next guy, but i must admit he was very handsome as a young man

9:00 - Gwen Ifill- so gangster. Up there despite having a broken leg or some shit

9:01 - Palin looks hot - very catwoman

9:02- Biden looks hot- very catwoman

9:03- Biden said something-- GAFFE!

9:04- Biden says "nice to meet you governor" - STOP BULLYING HER BIDEN!

9:05- Palin -GAFFE!

9:06- Biden looks like he's going to die soon

9:07 - Chris Matthews' inner monologue "Sarah Palin is hitting it OUT OF THE PARK! Cheeseburger!"

9:08- Gwen Ifill you are so sensible and neutral- I want more angry black woman content

9:10- from AG, "Palin's lapel pin looks like an American flag with a dollar sign"

9:12- Liberal bloggers' inner monologue- "Palin is lying she's an idiot! Obama didn't raise taxes"; Joe 6 pack's inner monologue - "Me likey boobies!"

9:18 - Palin really is lipstick on a pig- she's a great propagandist

9:20 - how is Biden the poorest Senator what a sap- I'm pretty skeptical of him that he didn't find a way to make a shit ton of money out of his position

9:21- "bridge to nowhere" MEME!

9:22- switched to BIDEN HD (CNN HD)! Now we are tapped into the minds of Uncommited Ohio Voters via a real time ratings system and then there's the Analyst Scorecard as well holy shit! I am plugged into ALEX CASTELLANOS'S ID!

9:23 - Should I buy Palin glasses?

9:28 - The women are going wild for Biden on the focus group meter- this reminds me of the Itchy and Scratchy focus group. The voters just keep going wild for both Biden AND McCain.

9:30 - Drill baby drill, Drill baby Drill!

9:35 - Clean coal is a T. Boone Pickens-style boondoggle- boo on both of them

9:37 - Biden, "let me make sure I understand you- yes, I'll give the faggots benefits but dear lord no marriage"

9:38- the trendlines are surging as Palin bashes gays- this is America, folks

9:41 - Gwen Ifill- GAFFE!

9:43- Trendlines up for Biden talking about ending war - or maybe still just delayed support for Biden's gay bashing

9:44 - Palin smugly calling Obama plan "surrender" - ughhh shoot her please

9:46 - I miss the way Obama says "pahhkeestahn" - its a great play for the Christian Amanpour voters

9:48 - sorry this is a very cribbed from Finnegan comment but you shouldn't be able to control nuclear weapons if you can't say "nuclear"

9:52- Second Holocaust! Nothing makes Jews more afraid than this, except maybe Zabar's running out of lox

9:56- I love Israel too, Sarah!

9:58- Afghanistan is a shit show - just smiling will not change that Sarah

9:59- Biden is wrong too- give up on Afghanistan and Iraq; the U.S. is no longer good at imperialism

10:00- Bipartisan! Nunn-Lugar! David Broder has a Boner!

10:06 - Ed Rollins is going nuts on the Analyst Scorecard- he's +35 for Palin when everyone else is at most +15 for anyone; this is like my mom scoring my performance as a a chorus member in Guys and Dolls

10:11 - weird Heaven content from Palin- she has to watch Religulous with Bill Maher; and also watch an obese prostitute strip naked with Bill Maher

10:15 - Whoops I farted I hope no one notices... GAFFE!

10:17 - Cheney Cheney Cheney

10:22- Biden getting emotional is killing the trendlines! Biden out-womaned Palin - You're a fucking robot Palin! Strong men also cry!

10:24 - From B.A. - "We need more Self-Tanning in America"

10:25- From Nick A. re: the trendlines - "People love parallel syntax"

10:33 and that concludes our coverage......... GAFFE!