Monday, May 23, 2011

Opthamology 101

Badass Opthamology Student: I'm gonna say "Which one do you like?"

Crusty Old Opthamology Professor: Listen kid, everyone says "Better 1 or Better 2?" That's how it is, that's how it'll always be.

Badass Opthamology Student: Well I ain't everyone.

Crusty Old Opthamology Professor: Jesus, every year there's one guy who thinks he's gonna reinvent the wheel. You think people come to Opthamologists to get their eyes examined? Any half-wit could do that. They come to be asked "Better 1 or Better 2?" It gives them order in their otherwise chaotic modern lives. It comforts them. It narrows this incomprehensible world down just two choices. This... or that? Not Half-Fat this and Part-Skim that and No-Soy No-Gluten the other thing.

[A single tear falls down Badass Opthamology Student's cheek]

Badass Opthamology Student: That's the most beautiful thing anyone's ever said to me.

Crusty Old Opthamology Professor: Alright, alright, let's turn off the waterworks. You still need a lot of practice to get your "I'm gonna shoot a puff of air in your eye, but don't move" up to snuff. Back to work!

Monday, May 02, 2011

AIM Chat Between Pluto and Neptune

PlutoNash: yooo what up Nep?
Neptune8: oh hey - nothin' much
PlutoNash: so i was just IM-flirting with Venus, and she said the Sun was having some sort of NBA playoffs watching party on Sunday?
Neptune8: yeah since the Suns didn't make it, he's kind of obsessed with the Heat so he's having some people over to his condo to watch the game and bbq on the terrace
PlutoNash: did he send u an invite email?
Neptune8: uh yeah
PlutoNash: hmm... didn't get it
Neptune8: you probably just didn't realize it was from him - he sent a PaperlessPost
PlutoNash: OK ill search my inbox for 'PaperlessPost' one sec
Neptune8: k
PlutoNash: nope - no results
Neptune8: try "It's Gettin' Hot in Herre" - that's the name of the party
PlutoNash: word ill try that
PlutoNash: nope - nothing. did that motherfucker not invite me?!??!
Neptune8: it would appear so. I guess it's kind of a "planets-only" type of vibe
PlutoNash: but i've been boys with u guys for years - i was one of the groomsmen at the Sun's wedding for godsakes! but now that I'm not a planet anymore i'm just another schlub?
Neptune8: look man i don't think this is a personal thing, it's just the Sun can't invite all the Dwarf Planets over, cause then the Asteroids will want to come too, and the Meteoroids, and it gets out of control. His condo's living room isn't even that big
PlutoNash: oh come on, he's got the couch that seats at least 3, maybe 4 if everyone's thin. and the loveseat that's another 3. then the La-Z-Boy and the 2 chairs in the corner. plus the folding chairs on the terrace!
Neptune8: he hates to use the folding chairs indoors - they scratch up the floor
PlutoNash: well then what if i just sit on the floor?
Neptune8: kind of blocks people's view
PlutoNash: ok ok i'll stand
Neptune8: then everyone feels like you're hovering
PlutoNash: how about i stand in the doorway of the Sun's bedroom and watch from there?
Neptune8: that's just weird
PlutoNash: so that's it. I've finally officially been excommunicated from the planet social scene. Saturn's birthday in January - which FUCKING SUCKED btw, terrible overpriced bar! - was my last hurrah
Neptune8: no dude, you know how the Sun is - he's all about his parties only having "bodacious bitches and ballin' bros" - he's always excluding people
PlutoNash: so i guess i'm not a ballin' bro, huh???
Neptune8: look, forget about it - Natasha and I are having a Little League World Series Luau in our backyard in August. u should come it's gonna be fun - some of the other planets r gonna be there, we got tiki torches...
PlutoNash: great, i can't go to the Sun's exclusive NBA Playoffs party at his luxury condo, but it's fine because i'm totes welcome at the Little League Luau in your weed-ridden backyard. woohoo!
Neptune8: jesus dude, i try to do you a solid and this is what i get in return?! the Sun is right - you are a bitter loser!
PlutoNash: did he fucking call me that????
Neptune8: in so many words
PlutoNash: whatever, u know what, it's fine. i'm sorry i insulted your luau. it sounds like it'll be a lot of fun. When is it?
Neptune8: August 18th. would be cool if u brought some pineapple juice as a mixer
PlutoNash: sure thing - are you gonna send out an official invitation via PaperlessPost?
Neptune8: u know it
PlutoNash: cool. alright man well i'll see u then. have fun at the Sun's party - put in a good word for me with Venus ;)
Neptune8: will do. peace
PlutoNash: l8r