Saturday, April 30, 2005

How Tom Got Funny

People sometimes ask me how my co-blogger Tom got so funny. At dinner at Central Steakhouse, we heard the whole story. Just as Jake Shuttlesworth swatted away young Jesus Shuttlesworth's jump shots in He Got Game in order to make him tougher, young Tom would tell thousands of jokes to his father as his father sat there stone-faced, withholding laughter in order to make him funnier. A typical encounter:

Young Tom: ... Surmised?! From their own screenplay? What?
Tom's Father: [silence, stone-faced]
Young Tom: No good? Too soon? Your kids'll love it---wait what am I saying?! Your kids? That's me!
Tom's Father: [silence, stone-faced]

Tuesday, April 26, 2005

Standup Audio/Video

I'm looking for anyone out there in the blogosphere who has an audio or video tape of the standup contest from this fall. I was in it and was fine but not amazing by any means, but what I'm really interested in is seeing/hearing the kid who went before me and bombed. A sampling of one of his routines:

"Coalition of the willing? More like coalition of the whipped."
[loud squeaky feedback from microphone]
[dead silence]

Nicholas D. Kristof's big screen debut

According to, a new film is coming out called "King's Ransom," starring popular Negro entertainer Anthony Anderson, and introducing for the first time on the big screen New York Times Op-Ed Columnist Nicholas D. Kristof (his head is on the left side there). The plot summary is as follows: "Hoping to foil his own gold-digging wife's plan, a loathsome businessman (Anderson) arranges his own kidnapping, only to realize that there are plenty of other people interested in his wealth as well, such as Nicholas D. Kristof."

King's Ransom

Monday, April 25, 2005

who's seen that?! revisited

Hand #5587406-1306 at Flushing (No Limit Hold'em)
Powered by UltimateBet
Started at 25/Apr/05 05:53:15

nojja is at seat 2 with $6489.
wetsocks is at seat 4 with $8414.50.
boolaboola is at seat 5 with $16642.50.
Bernti is at seat 6 with $3891.
The button is at seat 2.

wetsocks posts the small blind of $25.
boolaboola posts the big blind of $50.

nojja: -- --
wetsocks: -- --
boolaboola: 9c 4d
Bernti: -- --


Bernti folds. nojja folds. wetsocks calls. boolaboola checks.

Flop (board: 9s 9d Ac):

wetsocks checks. boolaboola bets $100. wetsocks calls.

Turn (board: 9s 9d Ac Ts):

wetsocks checks. boolaboola bets $300. wetsocks calls.

River (board: 9s 9d Ac Ts 9h):

wetsocks checks. boolaboola goes all-in for $16192.50. wetsocks goes all-in for $7964.50. boolaboola is returned $8228 (uncalled).


boolaboola shows 9c 4d.
boolaboola has 9c 9s 9d Ac 9h: four nines.
wetsocks shows Kd 4s.
wetsocks has Kd 9s 9d Ac 9h: three nines.

Hand #5587406-1306 Summary:

$2 is raked from a pot of $16829.
boolaboola wins $16827 with four nines.

who's seen that?!

Hand #5587406-1277 at Flushing (No Limit Hold'em)
Powered by UltimateBetStarted at 25/Apr/05 05:34:05

nojja is at seat 2 with $5319.
wetsocks is at seat 4 with $9043.50.
boolaboola is at seat 5 with $12994.50.
TheChadwick is at seat 7 with $618.
The button is at seat 4.

boolaboola posts the small blind of $25.
TheChadwick posts the big blind of $50.

nojja: -- --
wetsocks: -- --
boolaboola: Ah Ac
TheChadwick: -- --


nojja calls. wetsocks folds. boolaboola raises to $200. TheChadwick folds. nojja calls.

Flop (board: Jh 9s 7c):

boolaboola bets $375. nojja raises to $1575. boolaboola calls.

Turn (board: Jh 9s 7c 5c):

boolaboola checks. nojja goes all-in for $3544. boolaboola calls.

River (board: Jh 9s 7c 5c Qh): (no action in this round)


nojja shows As Ad.
nojja has As Ad Jh 9s Qh: a pair of aces.

boolaboola shows Ah Ac.
boolaboola has Ah Ac Jh 9s Qh: a pair of aces.

Hand #5587406-1277 Summary:

$2 is raked from a pot of $10688.
nojja wins $5343 of a $10686 pot with a pair of aces.
boolaboola wins $5343 of a $10686 pot with a pair of aces.

Wikipedia entry

Thanks to the magic of open source coding, Not About Delino DeShields is now on Delino DeShields's Wikipedia page (look under Highlights). I'd like to take this moment to note that this is the highlight of my life.

Separated At Birth #9

Zac Soto (Yale '06) and Mac Soto (Harvard '07). This dynamic duo can be seen weekdays at 5:30 PM on The Disney Channel's Zac and Mac Attac and are currently in negotiations to play the Butabi brothers in A Night at the Roxbury 2.

Zac Soto

Mac Soto

Sunday, April 24, 2005

gruesome stuff

does anyone remember the song/nursery rhyme "there was an old woman who swallowed a ___"?

to refresh your memory:

There was an old woman who swallowed a cow,
I don't know how she swallowed a cow!
She swallowed the cow to catch the goat,
She swallowed the goat to catch the dog,
She swallowed the dog to catch the cat,
She swallowed the cat to catch the bird,
She swallowed the bird to catch the spider,
That wriggled and jiggled and tickled inside her,
She swallowed the spider to catch the fly,
I don't know why she swallowed the fly,
Perhaps she'll die.

(this is the last verse of the song, where each successive verse adds a new animal that the old woman has swallowed.)

this is a pretty gruesome thing to be telling little kids when you think about it. imagine replacing "swallowed the dog" with "swallowed [your pet] spike." but what always puzzled me is the last line.

the payoff:

There was an old woman who swallowed a horse,
She's dead—of course!

two thoughts:

1) "of course"? the woman has now successfully swallowed 7 creatures from the animal kingdom, and she feels like a million bucks. she's already swallowed an entire fucking cow. (it takes me at least 3 sessions at central steakhouse to do that, and i'm a pretty sinewy guy*.) i don't think smugness is called for here. it certainly stands to reason that she would be a-okay swallowing a horse.

2) yeah, i know you called it, but do you really have to rub it in now? presumably this is an acceptable way to tell children that someone has died, as long as it is their own fault.

"Kids, your mother is smoking a pack of cigarettes a week. Perhaps she'll die."
"Your mother is smoking a pack a day. Perhaps she'll die."
"Your mother is smoking 2 packs a day. Perhaps she'll die."
"Your mother got lung cancer, she's dead--of course!"

i mean, christ, let us down a little easier.

"There was an old woman who swallowed a horse,
but now she has to go on a really long business trip,
and she is happier where she is now"

* this reference is for Actual God

Friday, April 22, 2005

Seminar Anecdote

Tonight, I eat a large dinner and run over to get to seminar on time. In seminar, I'm extremely bored and start reading some skits for Suite 13 in order to memorize them. I'm completely in my own world, and forget that I'm even in seminar. So what happens? Just when there is a lull in the class's conversation, I accidentally let out an enormous FART. Predictably, most of the class looks in my direction. At first I laugh at the absurdity of the situation, but then I decide I need to do some damage control. Fortunately, I was sitting in a wooden desk on a slick floor. So immediately, I move the desk back and forth several times, making a loud squeaking noise. I think I planted the seeds of doubt in at least some of my classmates.

Thursday, April 21, 2005


I went to get T-shirts advertising Not About Delino Deshields yesterday (will post pictures of them soon- they say "Blog it®" on the front), and had a great interaction with the employee at Campus Customs. He was kind of a low-key guy, with a lisp and a penchant for Matchbox Twenty. First, he tells me to write down what I want on the shirt. Cautiously, I write "Blog it®: Front, and Back." He looks at me like I'm insane- "Blog it? delinodeshields? Ok... right..." But then we get down to business, and I'm talking about silk screening and t-shirt color, etc. like I'm a real pro in the custom t-shirt business. This is going well.
THEN Tom shows up like a tsunami and changes the whole dynamic. Tom was being his usual loud, wise-cracking self, which this Campus Customs guy was not equipped to deal with. Below is a rough account of how it went down.

Tom: ALRIGHT ALRIGHT. Blog it! T-shirt time.
Campus Customs guy (meekly): Um, hi, so, you're designing the t-shirt as well?
Tom: You bet I am. Huh, how about a little Gothic font for the Blog it, eh? Nudge nudge
Campus Customs Guy: Well, Gothic is not one of the fonts that costs extra, so that's...
Tom: Jeez, what's with this guy. It was a joke. Gothic? For the logo? This is a blog, not the Jekyll and Hyde restaurant in New York.
Campus Customs Guy: Oh um, OK. Sorry.
Tom: So what about a ringer, maybe some ringer action?
Dan: I don't know, that's a little much.
Tom: No ringer? What do you think (looking at the CCustoms guy's business card) Jeremy?
Campus Customs Guy: Um, I don't think we have any ringer t-shirts in right now but we could order some.
Tom: Jeremy, my man. We need those shirts ASAP. People need to know to Blog it!
Campus Customs Guy: Um, alright.

The campus customs guy might be reading the blog right now, since we gave him the address for the t-shirt. Fuck. Hey, I think you come across pretty well, Jeremy. Tom is the one who's ridiculous here, am I wrong?

Tip Jar

I'm at Bulldog Burrito® with Matt and after wolfing down a shredded chicken taco, I decide that I want some dessert. So I order a flan, and owner Jason Congdon (bizarro Tyler Francis) goes to the back to make it for me. Now flan costs $3.50 at this place, but when I look in my wallet I only have $2.37. Wait, I also had a $2 bill, but if you think I'm wasting a gem like that on some shitty overpriced Mexican dessert, you're sorely mistaken.
Anyway, as Congdon's in the back cooking up flan, I panic. I realize that if I was short say 25 cents, he'd let it slide- but over $1, he might just say "No Flan for you!" So, quick goat-thinking, I look down at the tip jar and see several dollar bills in there. This was clearly not a give a penny take a penny type deal, this was a tip jar- though it should be noted that i'd given 30 cents to the tip jar just 10 minutes earlier. After a brief hesitation, I take a dollar bill out of the jar as quickly as possible and put it with my own money. Then I realize that I still only have $3.37. At this point, time is of the essence, and Congdon or one of his Mexican indentured servants could be coming out at any moment and catch me in the act. I quickly snag a quarter, giving me enough for the $3.50 plus tax. Now relaxed, I joke with Matt about the Seinfeld episode where George gets caught with his hand in the tip jar. Congdon comes back and tells me he was going to give me the flan for free, but I feel bad so I insist on giving him the money. Seems like end of story, right?
WRONG. As I walk away from the counter, I glance up and see a SECURITY CAMERA trained right on the cash register area where I committed my dastardly deed. I'm on tape! Ordinarily, I would say "eh, he'll never check the footage." But Congdon is maniacal in his obsession with Bulldog Burrito. The man lives for that place, and maybe even sleeps there. I feel like even when he leaves the restaurant, he goes home to watch security footage so he can feel like he's still there. He probably also has an instant replay booth set up like an NFL referee, with headphones and a tarp to cover his head. This means I won't be going back to Bulldog Burrito any time soon, which is terrible because I really am going to miss their delightfully mediocre to sub-par Mexican offerings.

Tuesday, April 19, 2005

Separated At Birth #8

A timely one, with a hat tip to someone I talked to today: Star Wars' Emperor Palpatine AND newly elected Pope Benedict XVI.

Emperor Palpatine

Pope Benedict XVI

meet jeremy arnold

meet jeremy arnold.

his "Poker Player Profile" is now featured on

wow is pokerpages getting desperate for material for this segment or what?

"Marital Status: Yes- 7 great yrs."
"Started playing poker: 2003"
"Favorite poker game: Hold'em" (big surprise here)
"Ambition: Church, and Family"

sounds like a real shark, right?

"Favorite Movie: Rounders, and any Sponge Bob Squarepants show"

i am not making this up.

"Favorite Music: Christian, 80's, classicle and some Pop"

classicle? does anybody over at even look at this before they put it up? why am i reading this?

"Major Poker Accomplishments:None yet, but you'll see me soon! :) "

none yet? but you'll see me soon smiley fucking face? so basically i just read a profile of a middle-aged married man who has taken up poker in the last two years, probably playing once every few weeks with "the boys," while the little woman serves nachos or whatever.

i mean i guess this type of segment is just doomed from the get-go, because there is no way it could possibly be interesting. but it could be better than this, there are thousands of guys who are grinding it out online who at least have some poker credentials.

i hate when i type out a blog post and it's terrible, so i want to delete it, but i don't feel like it's terrible enough to warrant just throwing out the half hour of work or whatever that i put into it. if it were significantly worse, it would be an easy delete, and if it were better, i'd feel great about posting it. the tweeners are the tough ones. not that i'm talking about this particular post or anything. just saying.

Monday, April 18, 2005

Separated At Birth #7

This one's been kicking around for a while: hot new blogging sensation Tom AND funnyman Rob Schneider

Rob Schneider


Separated at Birth #6

Continuing with the theme of my friends' parents, here is one: my friend Mike's dad Bruce Southworth AND James Nichols, brother of Oklahoma City bomber Terry Nichols and conspiracy theorist/gun nut.

Bruce Southworth

James Nichols

Friday, April 15, 2005

New Ben and Jerry's Flavor

This just in, Ben and Jerry's is introducing a new ice cream flavor called "Berry Terri." The description on the website reads:

The raspberries and blueberries in Berry Terri help make this flavor super. But we can't divulge the ultimate secret source of Berry Terri's greatness. All we can say is that, of the majorly cool ingredients involved, the key player behind Berry Terri's awesomeness just happens to have been in a Persistent Vegetative State. And you'd expect to find this secret ingredient at "ASH"ley's, but you'll only find it at B & J's. Enjoy!

Hat tip to actual god.

Thursday, April 14, 2005

AKS robbed

My pony AKS lost the YCC election to some tool box who the YDN endorsed. I think there were severe irregularities in the voting, and I don't trust the electronic voting. Also, there was voter intimidation, especially of blacks. There was also voter intimidation of whites by blacks, as when I saw a black person wearing a "Syverud for President" button walk by when I was casting my vote, which was extremely intimidating. And AKS only lost by a margin of 56% to 15% - this is just too close to call. For all these reasons, I demand a recount. If Andrew Cedar or any of those YCC punks tell me that they can't have a recount because the bylaws won't allow it, I will tell him, like the fat negress Congresswomen in the beginning of Fahrenheit 9/11 told Al Gore, "Ah don't care about yo laws, Mistah Presahdent! Me and mah constituents was disenfranchised!" I would also add, as I'm sure these fine women meant to say, "Also, we need to put a cap on de price o' biscuits at Popeye's! 50 cent fo two biscuits?! It's criminal!"

The Pundits

Oooh, the Pundits, those lovable pranksters are at it again, turning cross campus into a Monopoly board and playing life-size Pac-Man in the library. What will these masters of hijinx do next? May I suggest murdering all of the professors for classes in which I have papers due? And then committing hari-kari. That would truly be an all-time great prank.

New Haven Urban Renewal

While leafing through some books at the bookstore, I noticed a volume called "The Hidden Terror Network in America." In it, I read that Al Qaeda sleeper cells are all over America, from San Franciso to Chicago to New York. Even Rahleigh, NC has an Al Qaeda sleeper cell. But conspicuously absent from the list was New Haven, CT. Sure, New Haven has gone through a good period of downtown revival and has some pharmaceutical companies lining up to move here, but if it doesn't have an Al Qaeda sleeper cell, it'll always be a second-rate city. Thriving downtown, Professional sports team, Al Qaeda sleeper cell- that's the progression of a great American city.

Monday, April 11, 2005

Debate Tournament

Actual God and I made it out to the National Tournament of the American Parliamentary Debate Association at Wesleyan. In terms of body types, let's say that the typical non-official debate probably went something like "Our case: Wendy's has the best dollar menu. Point number 1- No other fast-food chain has either Baked Potato OR homestyle chili. Subpoint number 1- The baked potato comes with sour cream AND chives, so don't worry about it tasting too healthy..."

In terms of specific debaters, the most entertaining team (you debate in teams of two) was a duo from Cornell named Justin Berkowitz and Robbie Glunt (pictured below). These kids were villains straight out of Mighty Ducks 3, just the ultimate evil smug assholes who you instinctively root against. Berkowitz was actually also very much like the lawyer for the tobacco companies in countless movies, and actually may have turned me into an anti-semite. If the neo-nazis wanted to run an ad proclaiming all that is wrong with the Jews, it would star Berkowitz. First of all, look at him he is such a greasy Jew and he kind of looks like Alfred E. Newman of MAD magazine fame. Second, he is a smug, arrogant kid who thinks he owns the world and probably does because of the Zionists.
But Glunt was the true star, wearing a tan sports coat and sunglasses perched on his head as he ripped opponents to shreds (NOTE: I feel he actually cheated to win and that our boys Ariel and Chilton should have won, but that's another issue). A typical Glunt statement, "Well I would argue against their case... except that THESE MORONS ARE ARGUING THE SAME CASE WE ARE," or when Ariel made an offhand joke about the government not protecting you from wind, Glunt replied, "Huh, the government doesn't protect you from wind? I'm just wondering then what my intellectually challenged opponents would say about a little organization called FEMA WHICH PROVIDES AID WHEN THERE'S A GODDAMNED HURRICANE!" The greatest quote from Glunt, however, was when someone mentioned that Berkowitz might be disqualified for something he said, and Glunt says totally seriously, "Whatever, I'll go Ironman [debate alone]. Wouldn't be the first time."

In conclusion, evil companies and the Republican Party should really get little demagogues like Glunt and Berkowitz to be their spokespeople. AND Actual God and I are discussing a TV show in which celebrities from Janeane Garofalo to George W. Bush to Terri Schaivo present their stances on issues and then Glunt tears their arguments to shreds. A typical episode:

Bush (grinning): Social Security is going to be bankrupt in 2042. That's why we need private accounts, to save for a better future.

Glunt: Look at you. Did you even tie that tie yourself? You're pathetic. Now as to your first point, the Office of Budget Management clearly shows that Social Security will not run out until 2104, which you would know if you could read. As to your second point, "private accounts" are too vague of a term, you need to clarify are these "carve-out" or "add-on" accounts? Forget it, you wouldn't know the difference anyway. You want a lollipop, Li'l Georgie? Now my counterproposal is a 2% decrease in benefits for the top 43.8% of income earners, and a 4.6% increase in payroll taxes for the top 5.4% of income earners. This would balance out the current shortfall and even provide a small surplus in case of future economic crises. Oh, Georgie I'm probably getting ahead of you, let me explain it to you in a way you can understand- (Elmer fudd voice) "Wich people wike you pay a wittle more and get back a wittle wess." Your response?

Bush (holding back tears): uh... ownership society.

Glunt: My sorry excuse for an opponent can't even come up with a legally valid definition of the term "ownership society." Case closed, dumbass.

Bush (now bawling): Ya beat me GLUNT-Y! Ya beat me.
(Bush goes to shake Glunt's hand)
(Glunt puts his hand out then takes it away before Bush can shake it, instead running it through his hair)

Glunt: Get a hold of yourself, you little bitch. Next opponent!

Robbie Glunt

Justin Berkowitz

Vote AKS for YCC President

Now normally I don't get involved in Yale College Council politics. But sometimes there's a man who comes around once in a blue moon who just inspires you with a call to action. That man is Alan Kennedy Shaffer (aka AKS- pictured below; note that his eyes are red in the picture not because of a screw up with the camera but rather because he is possessed). Alan believes in a "culture of life" and will "smoke them [unclear who he means] out", while his opponents offer a "global test" and "flip-flops." Alan is also an accomplished pogs player, a rainbow belt in judo, and a certified lunatic.


Saturday, April 09, 2005

quick filler

i was walking somewhere today and there was a kid walking behind me with something wrong with his throat. he kept like coughing, but it was more like clearing his throat, except it went on for a few minutes. it sounded like he was practicing clearing his throat, trying to make the perfect clearing throat sound.

this was weird for me because i kept thinking that i was doing something wrong, and he was trying to let me know about it, because i thought that is the only reason people actually clear their throats. so i kept turning around and seeing if he would say something to me, and i tried to think if i could be offending him somehow. eventually i concluded that he just had a dry throat but to be honest i'm still not sure.

oh yeah he was asian. that's kind of an important part of the story because i feel like asian people are more likely to be offended by something i'm doing.

Talking in Section

I feel like every time I say nothing in section, the TA knows I didn't do the reading, and this has been proven several times by their lowering of my grade at the end of the semester when I'm on the borderline. BUT there are always shy, meek girls (and some guys) in class who never say anything- whether it's because they're too shy or because they didn't do the reading, I don't know- and I know from anecdotal evidence that they don't get docked for class participation. That is so fucking unfair. My new plan is to not be boisterous before or after class so the TA doesn't know that I'm talkative and I get mistaken for being shy.

Friday, April 08, 2005

quick note

Mr. Show with Bob and David is now syndicated on Comedy Central.


i was in the bookstore looking around and they had 3 or 4 different versions of monopoly. they also have a clinique make-up counter there now, which i find bizarre.

anyway i did some research. you know how many different versions of monopoly have been made? over 55. here are a few of my favorites.

Betty Boop Monopoly: "This completely customized game comes with "Betty Bucks" and 6 collectible pewter tokens: Betty, Pudgy, Clapboard, Lipstick, Motorcycle and a Fleischer Studios Inkwell."

Garfield 25th Anniversary Monopoly : "Players vie to own Garfield’s most treasured creature comforts, including his bed, Pookie and Irma’s Diner. Includes a comic strip created by Jim Davis exclusively for the MONOPOLY game!"

National Geographic Mountaineering Monopoly : "Compete to own the greatest mountains in the world! Mt. Everest, Denali & El Capitan are up for grabs. This completely customized game features 6 custom tokens: climber, yak, canteen, hiking boot, rope, tent."

Surfing Monopoly: "Vie to rule and ride the most formidable surf spots in the world including Pipeline, Restaurants, Todos Santos and Maverick’s. Game features the photography of legendary surf photographer Jeff Divine."

Century of Flight / Aviation Monopoly: "Buy, sell and trade historic aircraft in a quest to “own it all”. 6 Collectible Pewter Tokens: Fighter Jet, Helicopter, Monoplane, Hot Air Balloon, Commercial Jet and Airship. Uses Hangers and Airports instead of Houses and Hotels."

i was going to add some joke here about Actual God-opoly, with Boardwalk being terri schiavo's vagina, or something, but it never really came together. maybe Yale-blogopoly:

Finnegan's Wake - Boardwalk
Hidden Hand - Pacific
Delino and Actual God - St. Charles and States
I am justice - Baltic
Papa Smurf - Luxury Tax

Wednesday, April 06, 2005

berger birthday

happy birthday to the bergers. nothing else to say here.

Saturday, April 02, 2005

rip mitch hedberg: a guy who likes to boat

for those of you who don't know, legendary comedian mitch hedberg died on march 30, 2005. the cause of death was "heart failure."

from some newspaper article:

"[Hedberg's mother] characterized speculation that his death was drug-related as 'gossiping. We don't know that for a fact,' but added, 'It's not a secret Mitch used drugs. Whether that played a role in his death or not, we don't know.'"

here's a tribute to mitch:

"My apartment is infested with Koala bears. It's the cutest infestation ever. Way better than cockroaches. When I turn on the light a bunch of Koala bears scatter. But I don't want 'em to, you know. I'm like, 'Hey, hold on, fellas. Let me hold one of you. And feed you a leaf.'"

"My friend asked me if I want a frozen banana. I said, "No... but I want a regular banana later, so.... yeah."

"I don't have a girlfriend. But I do know a woman who'd be mad at me for saying that."

"I mumble while I'm on stage, I'm a mumbler. If I'm walking with a friend and I say something, he won't hear me. So he'll say 'What?' So I'll say it again but once again he doesn't hear me. So he says 'What?' But really it's just some insignificant shit that I'm saying. But now i'm yelling, 'THAT TREE IS FAR AWAY.'"

"You should never tell someone they have a nice dimple, because maybe they were shot in the face with a bee-bee gun."

"An escalator can never break. It can only become stairs. You will never see an 'Escalator Temporarily Out of Order' sign. You will only see 'Escalator Temporarily Stairs. Sorry for the convenience. We apologize for the fact that you can still get up there.'"

"I was on the Craig Kilborn show, and the next day I flew to Minneapolis. Then at the airport a guy came up to me and said 'Dude, I saw you on TV last night.' But he did not say whether or not he thought I was good. He just confirmed that I was on television. So I turned my head away from him for about a minute, then I turned it back and said 'Dude, I saw you at the airport, about a minute ago. And you were good.'"

"I wrote a letter to my dad, I was going to write 'I really enjoyed being here,' but I accidentally wrote 'rarely' instead of 'really.' But I wanted to use it, I didn't want to cross it out. So I wrote 'I rarely.. drive steamboats, Dad. There's a lot of shit you don't know about me. Stop trying to act like I'm a steamboat operator.' This letter took a harsh turn right away."

"I love blackjack. But I'm not addicted to gambling, I'm addicted to sitting in a semi-circle."

"I think Pringles initial intention was to make tennis balls. But on the day that the rubber was supposed to show up, a big truckload of potatoes arrived. But Pringles is a laid back company. They said 'Fuck it. Cut 'em up.'"

"My roommate said 'I'm going to shave and use the shower. Does anyone need to use the bathroom?' It's like some weird-ass quiz where he reveals the answer first."

"Sometimes I wave to people I don't know. It's very dangerous to wave to someone you don't know, because what if they don't have a hand. They'll think you're cocky. Look what I got, motherfucker. This thing is useful. I'm gonna go pick something up."

"If you lost your wallet, it's hard to dance. 'Man, I just lost my wallet. But this song is funky. Fuck it.'"

"On a traffic light, Green means 'go' and Yellow means 'yield.' But on a banana, it's just the opposite. Green means 'hold on,' Yellow means 'go ahead,' and Red means 'Where the fuck you get that banana at?'"

"I'm against picketing, but I don't know how to show it."

"I like to close my eyes on stage, because I have drawn a picture of an audience enjoying the show more on the back of my eyelids."

"I like vending machines because snacks are always better when they fall. If I buy a candy bar at a store, oftentimes I will drop it, so it will reach its maximum flavor potential."

"I bought a doughnut and the guy gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for the doughnut man, I give you money and you give me the doughnut. End of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this. I just can't imagine a scenario where I would have to prove that I bought a doughnut. Some skeptical friend, 'Don't even act like I didn't get that doughnut man, I got the documentation right here. Oh shit, it's at home, in the file, under D.'"

"You know that Pepperidge Farm bread, that stuff is fancy. That stuff is wrapped twice. You open it, and then still ain't open. That's why I don't buy it, I don't need another step between me and toast."

"My friend said to me, 'You know what I like? Mashed potatoes.' I was like, 'Dude, you have to give me time to guess. If you're going to quiz me you have to insert a pause.'"

"You know they call corn-on-the-cob, 'corn-on-the-cob,' but that's how it comes out of the ground. They should just call it corn, and every other type of corn, corn-off-the-cob. It's not like if someone cut off my arm they would call it 'Mitch,' and then re-attached it, and call it 'Mitch-all-together.'"

"I use the word totally too much. I need to change it up and use a word that is different but means the same thing. Mitch do you like submarine sandwhiches? All-encompassingly."

"This guy gave me a drug for attention defecit disorder. He's afflicted, but I'm not. So what happened to me is I suddenly had an extra long attention span. People would be telling me a story, and the story would end, and I'd get all mad and shit. 'Come on man, there's gotta be more to that story. I'm on pills here.'"

"I was at this casino minding my own business, and this guy came up to me and said, 'You're gonna have to move, you're blocking a fire exit.' As though if there was a fire, I wasn't gonna run. If you're flammable and have legs, you are never blocking a fire exit."

"My lucky number is 4 billion, that doesn't come in real handy when your gambling. 'Come on 4 billion. Fuck. 7. I'm gonna need some more dice. 4 billion divided by 6, at least.'"

"I was on 'That 70's Show' one episode, I put it on my acting resume. It was my first acting gig, my acting resume before that was sparse. It was bullshit, I had to make things up. 'Acting experience, okay, when I play pool, and I make a shot, I act like I'm not surprised. I had a bad audition, I acted like I didn't care.'"

"As a comedian I always get in these situations where I'm auditioning for movies or sitcoms. As a comedian, they want you do other things besides comedy. 'OK, you're a comedian, can you write? Write us a script. Act. Act in this sitcom.' They want you do shit that's related to comedy, but it's not comedy, it's not fair. It's as though I was a cook, I worked my ass off to become a really good cook, and they say 'OK, you're a good cook. But can you farm?'"

Friday, April 01, 2005

smarmy sign in CCL

i'm in the CCL computer cluster to meet a CA who is fixing my laptop. by the way, something i noticed is, you can tell a guy is a "computer guy" if he constantly refers to your computer as "this machine."

i'm waiting for the guy to fix my computer. so i was in a mood to do some sketches, and by sketches i mean the classic transparent cube, etc. i go over to the printer, and i'm about to steal some blank paper from it. then i look up and see a sign posted on the wall above the printer. it said (no exaggeration):

STOP. (huge, boldface letters)

it obviously didn't say dickwad, but everything else is verbatim. what the fuck kind of attitude is this for a sign in the fucking library? imagine going to a restaurant and seeing a sign: "LISTEN, BEFORE YOU WIPE THAT BOOGER UNDERNEATH THE TABLE, DO US A FAVOR AND USE A GODDAMN NAPKIN, THERE ARE FUCKING MILLIONS OF THEM AROUND, AND IT SUCKS TO HAVE TO CLEAN THAT SHIT UP, AND, UGH, WHY ARE YOU SUCH A WASTE OF A HUMAN BEING?"

and you know what the worst part is? i actually felt guilty for a (brief) second. they caught me, so i thought.

you've probably already figured out the punchline. yeah, i look behind at the black table and there's no paper. not a single page.

now i am mad. i mean, in a way i respect the moxie required to post this beast. but if you go that route, you be damn sure that there is paper on that fucking table. that's really the galling part.

to retaliate, when no one was looking i took a huge stack of like 500 pages from one of the printers and just threw it directly into the garbage. fuck them.

P.S. could someone (not the guy who thinks my posts suck) tell me in the comments section if i used the word smarmy correctly in the title? i'm not sure i know what this word means.

The Pope Speaks

The major media have reported that Pope John Paul II can no longer speak as he lies on his deathbed. But here at Not About Delino DeShields, I was granted an exclusive interview with His Holiness. Below is a partial transcript:

Dan: Do you have any regrets, Your Holiness?

Pope: No, my son. I have lived a full and eventful life in which I have brought joy and happiness to millions and worked to better the lives of those most in need. Now it is time to meet my maker.

Dan: That's nice. But I guess what I'm getting at is that you don't have a blog.

Pope: Blog?

Dan: It's a web page where you can put your opinions, amusing anecdotes, anything you want- for the whole internet to read.

Pope (weeping): Oh that is what I've been waiting for my whole life. The people, they want me to make important speeches- but sometimes I just have a funny idea and I want to share it but I have no forum to do so. So my son, I have one final wish: that you publish my amusing idea on your blog.

Dan: Well, let me hear it.

Pope (a little more animated): OK, so imagine Me on the MTV Cribs TV program... "'Sup y'all? Here's my car -- the pope-mobile. Bullet-proof glass of course. Now my crib has this dope Sound System - a 27,000 foot tall organ. Neighbors never complain though. Guess I got 'nuff respect. Prolly cause I can send them to Eternal Damnation and all." Pretty good- eh, eh (the pope attempts to nudge me but can't quite reach)

Dan: Yeah... I've gotta say that's not really funny enough for NotAboutDelinoDeShields. It's kind of hackneyed.

Pope: Come on, it's not that bad. The part about the neighbors...

Dan (shrugging and showing Pope his palms in a "what can I do" gesture) leaves