Monday, April 30, 2007
TV Announcer: And now we have the Director of Oxfam, [name forgotten]
[Note for the Toms of the world-- Oxfam is an NGO working on global poverty issues]
Director of Oxfam (british accent): If Mr. Shaw is so confident that Wolfowitz has the support of the governors of the World Bank, then I have an idea- let them vote to either keep him or let him go.
Fat Naked Old Man: I have an idea -- let's throw the Oxfam guys in a freezer until they die of hypothermia! HAHAHAHAHAHA!
(Dan nervously giggles)
Fat Naked Old Man: Ehh, maybe I've become too much of a curmudgeon in my old age.
OK, he didn't fart but the rest is all true
Thursday, April 26, 2007
I have a secret to confess to you... I have been the victim of debit card fraud. FRAUD-- the very word... I... I can barely say it. I feel so dirty! I feel used. I'm ashamed. Was it my fault? Did this happen because I'm a bad person? Did I encourage the guy? Ewww, I just, I never want to bank again. Do you guys know of any support groups for victims?
Tuesday, April 24, 2007
Monday, April 16, 2007
Of course, good pilgrim that I am, I stopped a bit aways from the house and found the nearest miqat. There I changed into the traditional garb of an Ihram with sandals while I chanted the talbiyah. At that point, I began the umrah, which consists of two parts, the tawaf and the sa'i. The two rituals are symbolic of the lives of Michael Dukakis and George McGovern. During the tawaf, I walked counter-clockwise around the kabaa three times at a hurried pace, followed by four times, more closely, at a leisurely pace. Then during the sa'i, I walked seven times back and forth between the Golden Gate Bridge and the Bay Bridge. Next, I trimmed one inch of my hair.
After all this preparation, I was finally able to look at Nancy Pelosi's house. Immediately when I saw the house, I fainted. The light and beauty emanating from it was too overpowering for a young pilgrim like myself. As I lay there passed out on the sidewalk, I saw a vision of Nancy. "Nancy," I asked, "why do conservatives hate you so much?" And Nancy's apparition said, "Who among the great spiritual figures has not been persecuted? Jesus, Mohammed, and now me. But do not let the doubters trouble you. Always live by my principles- raise taxes, cut and run in Iraq, and abort every baby you see- and you will be rewarded in the afterlife." When I woke up, I gathered myself and then performed the final tawaf:
Labbaika Allahomma Labbaik. Labbaik La Shareeka Laka Labbaik. Innal-Hamdah, Wan-Nematah, Laka wal Mulk, La Shareeka Laka Nancy Pelosi!
Speaking of Mulatto Jesus, I had a great chat with him in New York before I left. He is as great a guy in person as he is a blogger. Anyway, I bring up MJ because he would definitely have given two boners up to the Danish Junior Girls soccer team and the Mississippi State Volleyball team, both of whom were at the Atlanta Airport with me. A guy who is an assistant to Coach Bruce Arena of the USA Soccer Team was there too - come on MJ, be a nice guy, give him at least one boner up too.
Wednesday, April 11, 2007
Hat Tip to AG for all of his Walgreens coverage
Monday, April 09, 2007
From the Desk of Senator Joe Lieberman (D-CT):
I want to tell my fellow Americans that I have known Don Imus for many years now and he is a great friend and a great American. The comments he made on his radio program were a complete aberration. As I well know, Don Imus usually uses the term "Aunt Jamima crack whores" or "Brillo pad-haired apes" when referring to African-American women, not "nappy-headed ho" or"jigaboo." I just wanted to clear the air on this thing.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Around the time of his death, I read an article which had the following quote:
"I cannot remember a day that went by where he didn't say, 'I want to donate my eyes,' " Orbach's widow, Elaine, recalled yesterday.
A prostate-cancer patient at the time of his death at age 69, the Bronx-born Orbach did not donate any other organs, she said. "He never wore glasses. He could read in the dark, practically - just this wonderful vision he was so proud of."
What strikes me about this whole thing is that we are such a wasteful society. Just as the Mighty Sioux use every part of the Buffalo, we should be using every part of the Jerry Orbach.
But at least two lucky New Yorkers each have one of Jerry Orbach's eyes. I imagine their confidence at work has gone through the roof--
Boss 1: Seriously guys, stop fooling around. Let's keep our eye on the ball here.
Lucky New Yorker 1: You mean let's keep JERRY ORBACH'S EYE on the ball here!
Boss 2: None of these designs are any good. We need a fresh eye on this thing.
Lucky New Yorker 2: You mean we need JERRY ORBACH'S EYE on this thing!
Who knows, maybe Lucky New Yorker 1 and Lucky New Yorker 2 will combine forces and solve crimes. First, I have to go jogging and find a body in a ditch!