Friday, June 18, 2010

Uday's Interior Monologue: "Damn it, all the women are dancing. I hate dancing! When I actually deign to try it I feel Beta because I look clumsy. Why won't any women just sit at my table and talk, so I can show off all my charm and cultural capital. Jesus, even Qusay is dancing! Fucking Qusay. Alright that's it, I know what'll break up this dancing - a couple shots from good ole Mr. AK.

There we go, there it is - come on ladies, come to Uday. Ugh, even that didn't work. I guess I'm gonna need to take some dance lessons. Or get some concubines. Hmm... definitely concubines."

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Mega Man at His 5-Year College Reunion

[L-R: Mega Man '05, Brad Jenkins '05, Mike Killingsworth '05, Raja Khan '05]

Mega Man (so drunk he's slurring his words): Guys, guys, seriously OBAMA IS SUCH A FUCKING CORPORATE HACK!

Raja: Um, Mega, you know that Nita works in the Obama Press Office?

Mega Man: Well SORRR-Y! Your fiancee working for that scumbag means we should cut off all debate in this country apparently! (turns to dance floor) Hey EVERYONE, NO CRITICIZING OBAMA, OK - DO IT FOR NITA! Jesus look at Jenny Linden - is she auditioning for Nutty Professor 3: The Klumps Go To College or has she just put on 100 pounds?

Mike: Dude, Jenny is a good friend of mine. Not cool.

Mega Man: Looks like the No Fun Police are in full force - I'm gonna get another drink. But the next time you chumps need to be saved from Tsunami Man or whoever the fuck, don't come crying to me. And Mike, that widow's peak really suits you.

[Exit Mega Man]

Brad: See, I told you you were balding too!

(beat - Mike and Raja glare at Brad)

Brad: I mean, uh, fuck that guy. Never liked him.

*DISCLAIMER: All characters and events in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real Not About Delino DeShields bloggers or events in their lives is purely coincidental.

Friday, June 11, 2010

Quotes from a Future President Who's Obsessed with His Boyhood Discman

Civil Rights"Society's a lot like a Discman. There are all these moving parts, and sometimes the weakest of the parts, well it just gets pushed around so much it can't function anymore. Civil Rights are society's Skip Protection"

"I worry about the future of America if we fail to keep up with the dynamic education systems of the emerging nations in Asia. We can't become Aiwa to China's Sony"

Environment"Like the lens on a Discman, we've got to keep our oceans and skies clean and clear. This climate bill is the saline solution and non-scratch cloth for the Earth"

Government Accountabilty"My administration has worked tirelessly with Congress to make sure that the laws we pass are written in clear, easy-to-understand English so that Joe Q Public can read them just as well as any K Street lobbyist. We want the model for our laws to be the instruction manual for the Sony D-E905 350 Discman, not the instruction manual for the Sony D421SP Discman"

"My mama had a saying back when I was a boy - 'If you break it, you fix it.' It being a Discman"

Monday, June 07, 2010