Wednesday, February 20, 2008

An Inconvenient Truth

For many years, this blog has been ignoring the overwhelming body of scientific evidence. "The data doesn't go back far enough to know for sure," we said. "That's just a bunch of left-wing alarmists." But the Inconvenient Truth has become all too clear to us now. Carbohydrate consumptions are literally destroying this planet, and unless we do something about it soon, it may be too late.

So from this day forward, will dedicate itself to reducing its Carbo Footprint. Our efforts will involve some conservation measures, including open-faced sandwiches rather than traditional two-bread-piece sandwiches. Another exciting initiative is our purchase of Carbo Offsets, whereby every 35 dollars we donate funds one Peter Luger's steak for a villager in Tanzania. We aim for Delino to go Carbo Neutral.

But you know, this movement can only do so much on its own. Ultimately, the federal government will need to do its part as well. That's why we here at Delino are advocating for the pricing of Carbs. Whether it's through a Carbo Tax or a Carbo Auction, I'll leave that question to the economists - but we need something! And then we must use the money from the carbo-pricing mechanism to fund a sort of Apollo Project for alternative food sources. One promising idea involves an all-Muscle Milk diet.

Whatever the policies end up being, the important point is, we can no longer live with our heads in the sand. The gathering storm is only getting worse, and we must do something about it soon, before it's too late...

Friday, February 08, 2008

Huffington Post SCOOP!

The scoops just keep coming for Delino-- here is a piece that will appear on Huffington Post next week:

Richard Moll is a Los Angeles-based actor and playwright. He has appeared in countless direct-to-video horror films since his acclaimed role as "Bull" on Night Court.

It's Valentine's Day. I know, I know. I should be happy- my beautiful wife Susan and I are going to dinner at a delightful Peruvian restaurant in Westwood for ceviche. But NOT. THIS. YEAR.

How about the spouses and significant others of the 3,814 servicemen and servicewomen who have died during this illegal war? The 150,000 dead Iraqi civilians?

This isn't the Bush Doctrine, it's the Bush League Doctrine. Where were the WMDs? The only WMDs we found were Willfully Misleading Demagogues- Dick Cheney, George Bush, and Condaleezza Rice.

But no, we shouldn't talk about IMPEACHING these war criminals! Impeachment is for serious crimes, like getting a blowjob. Raping the entire Middle East with your missile-dick? That deserves merely a few negative editorials in the New York Times.

A lot of people have been talking recently about how Hillary Clinton being President would bring back all that "'90s stuff" we thought we were past. Yeah all that nasty '90s stuff like peace and prosperity! The middle class saw its real median wage climb by 30% in ten years. I saw it myself, with all those Night Court residuals coming in every month. This decade? The middle class's real median wage has actually shrunk, as have my residuals. Is it a coincidence that WGN stopped airing Night Court reruns a week after George Bush took office?

And don't even get me started on global warming! If I, with my 6'8 frame, can squeeze myself into a tiny Prius, I think those little soccer moms can switch from their SUVs. Jesus Christ, wake up and smell the burning planet, Middle America!

With two strong candidates in Hillary and Barack, it looks like the Dems are in good shape for November, but given the assclowns who run the Democratic party, you can never rule out a complete and utter collapse. And then good ol' Johnnie McCain'll be Pres-o-dent, and we'll keep slaughtering brown people in Iraq for "another 100 years!" And look out Iran, you're next- "Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran!"

So yeah, Happy Valentine's Day.

Other Stories on Huffington Post:
LARK VOORHIES takes on Harry Reid over Telecom Immunity
JALEEL WHITE on shutting down GITMO
IAN ZIERING takes a critical look at the so-called "Social Security Crisis"