Scene from Berger Household, 1988

(Young Dan is wearing his favorite Mets t-shirt)
(Jerry, a family friend, leans down to pin a BUSH-QUAYLE '88 button in Young Dan's shirt)
(Young Dan recoils)

Jerry: Whadoo we have a Dukakis fan over here?
(laughter)

(Jerry leans in again to put the pin in)

Young Dan's interior monologue: Of course I'm not a Dukakis fan, you think I'd support that spineless communist, interrobang. What I'm concerned about, you buffoon, is that this pin is going to create a hole the size of the federal deficit under the Democratic Congress in my most prized garment

Young Dan's OTHER interior monologue (Herman's Head style): Would you chill out, first interior monologue? The holes from those pins close up after you wash them

Young Dan's interior monologue: No they don't, that's just vile propaganda spread by the pin lobby! Oh dear god, he's about to... nooo... well, there goes my favorite shirt. Who needs a Mets shmata? Have to stop saying shit like that, not everyone in the world is Jewish

Young Dan (giving big thumbs up and smiling): Thanks, Uncle Jerry! Thousand Points of Light!

Young Mother Teresa in 2009

(I run into Young Mother Teresa at Starbucks in Midtown Manhattan)

Me: Teresa, long time no see, how's the helping the sick and the poor racket these days?

Young Mother Teresa: Oh, no. I grow tired of missionary work. No room for advancement or 100K+ salary. Just a thing to do right after college. Looks good on resume - ees proto-Teach for America. And economy very bad right now. Taking LSAT. Want to go to solid regional school. Get firm job. But I steel care about poor- Simpson Thatcher has great pro-bono program, I swear...
(wistful beat)
Sorry, can't chat - in the middle of practice Games section.

The 'Buster

In this age of BitTorrent, Apple TV, Netflix DVD mailers, and even Netflix streaming, you'd think that a reasonably with-it mid-twentysomething like myself would take advantage of one of these technologies when he wants to see a movie. You'd be dead wrong.

As shameful as it would seem to be to admit, I still go to Blockbuster. Their entire business model has imploded, H. Wayne Huizenga has had to sell the Marlins, and yet there I am still paying my $5.43 (plus late fees). As I'm sure none of my readers has been to a Blockbuster since the Social Security "reform" fiasco, let me share with you the marvelous human ecosystem that still thrives in the harsh environment of the few remaining Blockbusters -- who knows, maybe you'll even stop by one of these days:

Mid-30s White Man-Child (Employee)- In some amorphous supervisory role but still not the manager. Very knowledgeable about movies but not interested in helping you, preferring to sulk as he considers his station in life. The oversized dark blue polo shirt, tent-like khaki pants, and white sneakers contribute heavily to his man-childness.
Benefit: Makes you happy you're not him

Late Teens Black or Hispanic Guy (Employee) - Extremely eager, energetic. Clothes actually fit (sorry man-child you can't blame anyone but yourself). Very helpful.
Benefits: Helps you find movies. Restores your faith in the American economy's ability to deliver decent jobs to minority youths after it was crushed by The Wire

Late Teens Decent-Looking White Girl (Employee) - Totally disinterested in the job. Totally disinterested in you.
Benefit: Get to meekly say "Thanks a lot" really fast to her

Children and the Elderly (Customers) - Of course have no idea what NetFlix or BitTorrent is, so see Blockbuster as only choice.
Benefit: Cute, cuddly, blissfully unaware of classical liberal economics

Mid-30s Successful Black Man (Customer) - Only wants things on Blu-Ray. You would think if he is technologically savvy enough to have a Blu-Ray player, he could figure out another way to get movies, but I shouldn't be talking.
Benefit: At least someone else reasonably close to my age goes to Blockbuster

Teenage to Early 20's Athletic White Girl (Customer) - A mainstay of any Blockbuster. Almost always come in groups, often wearing some sort of athletic gear like yoga pants. Have amazing bodies. Their disdain for NetFlix and BitTorrent as too 'alternative' drives them to the 'Buster.
Benefits: Liven up the place, elicit Lester Burnham-like fantasies in man-child employees

20's to 30's Casually-Dressed White Guy - And here's where I fit into all of this. Through a unique combination of laziness, impulsiveness, impatience, and a secret technological incompetence that he would never admit in public, 20's to 30's Casually-Dressed White Guy has yet to master Netflix, BitTorrent, or even iTunes. So when he needs a movie, it's off to Blockbuster.

----------------
At the end of the day, you may scoff at me and my compatriots and marvel at the ease with which you procure movies. But what you call a transaction cost, I call... Paradise

Last Minute Costume Ideas for the Ladies

Sexy Oldest Woman Alive!















Sexy Surly Chain-Smoking Waitress at a Shitty Diner!














Sexy Ruth Bader Ginsburg/Basketball Player!

Two Real-Life Scenes from Stu's Life in Harlem

1. Stu and I are in a park in Harlem. Stu has just recently come out as gay. He is telling me how hard it is to deal with his sexual identity crisis, how being gay has altered his fundamental conception of self and will change some people's perception of him, but fortunately we live in a tolerant and open society, he'll figure it out and it'll be alright.

We walk toward the park's exit contemplatively. Three young kids from the projects approach us.

Bodie-esque Hopper: Hey yo, is it gay for a twelve year old boy to hold hands with another boy?

Wallace-esque Hopper: It's not gay, I just like holdin' hands with my friends!
(beat)

Poot-esque Hopper: So which is it?

Stu: Oh it's not gay to hold hands with another boy; it's just a bit unusual
(Stu starts to walk away, grinning at having taught a lesson of tolerance)

Bodie-esque Hopper: See, even that white dude think you a faggot, faggot.


2. Stu and I exit Stu's building and a project resident approaches Stu.

Project Resident: Hey my man, you hear my brother Randall he out of the hospital now, doctahs say he gonna make a full recovery.

Stu: That's wonderful!
(Stu begins to walk away)

Project Resident: So, uh, I was wonderin' if maybe you had a dollar to spare because I've got this train I gotta... (trails off)

(Stu gives Project Resident a dollar)

This exchange made me realize that even though this Project Resident probably doesn't use e-mail, his interaction with Stu was the proto- "e-mail where you ask for a favor but throw in some meaningless personal bullshit first in the form

To: xxxx.xxxxxx@gmail.com

Hey buddy,

Long time no see. I've been keeping busy, you know this and that. Randy might get a promotion at work, so that's exciting. How're things with Jenny going?

Anyway, I had this idea for an article for Slate and I know you're tight with those guys so I was just wondering if you could maybe pass it along with a little note of approval, you know no big thing.

Cheers,
Dave
p.s. we gotta hang out more!"

Scene from The Economy's family life

The Economy, shock of shocks, is Jewish. And a couple weekends ago, The Economy, who is usually pretty much all over the country, came back to New York to visit his parents for the High Holy Day of Yom Kippur. I happened to stumble upon this family scene:

The Economy's Dad: How've you been, son?

The Economy: Oh fine, fine. You know, keeping busy.

The Economy's Mom: What about money, how're you holding up?

The Economy: Great, yeah no problems on that front.

The Economy's Mom: Honey, don't lie to me. We read the papers, we know what's going on.

The Economy: Oh you can't believe everything you read, Mom

The Economy's Dad: 9.8% unemployment? Negative economic growth? That doesn't sound fine to me

The Economy: Seriously, I'm fine. Can we talk about something else? How's Aunt Sadie doing?

The Economy's Mom (to Dad): Herbert, get my purse.

The Economy: No, no! You are not giving me any money.

The Economy's Mom: It's just a hundred dollars. Just to make life a little easier!

The Economy: Absolutely not! I'm not 15 years old! I don't need a fucking allowance!

The Economy's Dad (handing The Economy a $100 bill): Don't curse at your mother. Just take the money, kiddo. There's no shame in needing a little help. If you don't need it, just spend it on something nice- take a nice girl out to dinner. Speaking of which, any nice girls in your life?

The Economy: This is- I can't even. Ugh, this is why I hate coming home
(beat)

The Economy's Mom: Well you're always welcome here

Sample Ad with Copy for 2-page National Magazine Buy

Interaction on a Subway Platform

(A Metro employee in a Metro hat is reading the Metro newspaper he was just handing out to subway riders)

Me (shit-eating grin): Eatin' your own dog food over there, eh?
(beat)

Metro Employee: Dog Food? What the fuck you talkin' 'bout boy? You think because i don't live in your fancy-ass neighborhood I eat dog food?

Me: It's... no... it's just an expression- you're reading the newspaper that you...

Metro Employee (walking away in disgust): Unbelievable! We got a black president and this mothafucka thinks I eat dog food! Probably reads all the white Atlantic Bloggers, even that Megan McArdle, but not Ta-Nehisi Coates. Nothin' changes...

Guest Blogger: The Religious Liberal

There's this guy I've been talking to about politics, and lemme give you a few quotes from him and see if you can guess who he is:

"Watch out! Be on your guard against all kinds of greed; a man's life does not consist in the abundance of his possessions."

Against unbridled capitalism? Sounds like a real liberal WHACKJOB! Maybe it's Michael Moore?

"I say unto you, Love your enemies, bless them that curse you, do good to them that hate you"

What a left-wing LOON! Come on, this has gotta be one of those spineless Terrorist-Lovers like Nancy Pelosi, right?

"But when you give a feast, invite the poor, the maimed, the lame, the blind, and you will be blessed,
because they cannot repay you."

Government handouts?! OK seriously who is this liberal FREAK, is it Al Franken?
...
...
...

Actually, that "liberal freak" is Jesus Christ! (You're probably saying to yourself 'Jesus Christ? Jesus Christ!') That's right, the messiah himself, the Son of God, Jesus H. Christ, was a liberal. You wouldn't know it from all the right-wing religious zealots who misrepresent Jesus and use Him for their hate-mongering, but Jesus was as liberal as Rachel Maddow (who He would love even if she's a lesbian)! Soon after Jesus was born in about 4 B.C. ('Before Christ,' not 'Before Conservatism'- sadly there were conservatives even in Jesus's time!)... read more

A Crazy Evening

Last night I was in an empty plot of land in the suburbs of Northern Virginia with 5windows. It was 1973. It was a rainy, stormy night with thunder crackling and lightning illuminating the sky like the flash from Tom's SLR camera. We had just ensured that the horrible Alternate 2029 from which 5windows and I had traveled (in which SeamlessWeb didn't exist, there was a GrubHub Casino, etc. - I CAN'T EVEN TALK ABOUT IT!) would not come to pass, and were thrilled! We were talking to each other over walkie talkies- me on the ground, 5Windows flying above in the Delorean.

"Come down here, 5Windows!" I screamed. 5Windows tried to maneuver the Delorean to the ground when all of a sudden a BOLT OF LIGHTNING STRUCK THE DELOREAN! I ducked for cover and when I looked up, it was gone! Only two streaks of flames that looked like the number 99 remained. "5WINDOWS?" I nervously inquired into the walkie-talkie. Then I saw the string of multicolored flags that was attached to the back of the Delorean fall from the sky, burnt to a crisp. "NO! 5WINDOWS!!!!" I wailed. I cried and cried as the rain poured down on me.

But just then, a nerdy-looking guy drove up next to me and got out of his car. "Dan?" he asked me hesitantly. "Y-y-yes," I mustered in reply. He began, "I'm from Western Union. I've got a telegram to deliver to you that we've had lying around the office for decades. This kinda heavyset guy from way back instructed us to deliver it to a kid wearing driving shoes at this time and place. We had a betting pool going back at the office - I didn't think you'd show! I guess I'm out 5 bucks."

I grabbed the envelope from Western Union and ripped it open! Inside I found this glorious message!







"5Windows is alive!" I exclaimed. But my unadulterated joy was complicated when I looked closer and saw the date- "1873?! 1873?!"

So now I have to get back to 1873 and bring 5Windows back to 2009. Wish me luck, my fair readers