Tuesday, February 21, 2017

Chess Babe of the Month: Dorsa Derakhshani

Dorsa Derakhshani - Miss February 2017

Nationality: Iranian
Birthday: April 15, 1998
Dorsa's World Chess Federation page.

This month's chess babe is a bit young, only 18... but deserves some credit for taking on the Iranian chess authorities! At a recent tournament in Gibraltar, she played without her hijab, and was subsequently banned from the team. Hats off to you Dorsa! (Or should we say, hijab's off?)

Here is a picture of Dorsa, and an interview with her as well.

If, as Hillary says, "the future is female", then Dorsa certainly makes a pretty strong case!

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Ebola Patient Halloween

Doctor: Good news, Brad! You don't have Ebola anymore!

Brad: That's amazing! Can I leave? I want to see my girlfriend, my family, my dog!

Doctor: ... you have E-BOOOOOO-la! Happy Halloween!

Brad: Really? Are you fucking kidding me?

Doctor: Nope. In fact your quaran-scream just got extended another 21 days. But don't worry, the cafeteria has Macabre & Cheese all week!

Saturday, October 25, 2014

Guy with a Hole in His Head and his Friend

Friend of Guy with a Hole in his Head: A fucking parking ticket? Jesus - I need that like a need a hole in the head.

Guy with a Hole in his Head: Dude!

Friend of Guy with a Hole in his Head: Sorry, sorry! Forgot. I mean, ya know, I need that like I need, uh, Parkinson's Disease.

Guy with a Hole in his Head: Come on man, I was diagnosed with Parkinson's last week. We talked about this.

Friend of Guy with a Hole in his Head: Ah, sorry sorry. Probably why it was on my mind... to be fair.

Saturday, October 11, 2014

Lost Doonesbury from 2k4

Paul Wolfowitz: Mr. President, I'm concerned about elements from the Ba'ath Party in Southern Iraq.

GWBush: Bath party? We had one of those at DEKE! Oh man those Quinnpiac girls got wet n' wild with us. Why wasn't I invited to this bath party? Is it 'cause I don't drink anymore? I'll have O'Doul's.

Tuesday, September 02, 2014

Rep. Fred Upton's reaction to the Kate Upton nude photo hack

Rep. Fred Upton (to reporters): This is OUTRAGEOUS! That my niece would have her privacy VIOLATED like this?! I'll find the monsters who did this and bring them to justice.

[later, when no one else is in the office]
[pulls up the Upton pix]

Rep. Fred Upton (to himself, dick in his hands): Look at the jugs on that girl. If it's wrong to want to bone your niece, I don't wanna be riiiiight!

Guy whose shit literally doesn't stink

"It's true, my shit doesn't stink - but I'm still a deeply flawed individual! I'm an inadequate husband and employee! Many people whose shit smells horrible are better than I am!"

Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Guy who buys plane tickets just to go to the airport sushi bar

Announcer: Final boarding call for flight 273 to Los Angeles... the gate has closed for flight 273, there will be no more boarding.

Guy At Sushi Bar (jokingly): Whoops, looks like I missed my flight! Again. Oh noooo.

[Guy At Sushi Bar and Sushi Chef share a laugh]

Guy At Sushi Bar: Another three yellowtails, my friend.

Sushi Chef: Wait - Los Angeles? Why don't you just get a ticket to Boston, it's 300 dollars cheaper.

Guy at Sushi Bar (no longer laughing, dead serious): Goddamnit.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Charles Schwab and His Grandson Go To Lunch

[A cute HOSTESS is at a maitre d' stand in front]

Charles Schwab (nudging Grandson like "watch this"): Reservation for 2 for Schwab. Charles Schwab.

Hostess: Alright Mr. Schwab, your table is ready!

Charles Schwab: Ahem. I'm not sure you heard me correctly: Charles Schwab.

Hostess: Uh... yes (checks reservation book) Mr. Schwab. Your table's ready. Right by the window over here.

Charles Schwab: No I'm the Charles Schwab.

Hostess: Riiight. I got that. Enjoy your meal, Mr. Schwab.

[Exit Hostess. Charles Schwab and his Grandson are seated]

Grandson: Why do you have to do that everywhere we go?

Charles Schwab (stewing): That strumpet! I'm the reason she doesn't pay ATM fees - but does she care? No. That's it - I'm shutting down her account. I'm Charles Schwab dammit! CHARLES SCHWAB!

[beat. Grandson looks at Charles Schwab, thinks he's done with his rant]

Grandson: Grandpa, Mom had this thing looked at on her arm, they said it could be cancerou--

Charles Schwab: -- maybe they don't know I'm a real person! They think "Charles Schwab" is some made-up guy like Mister Clean. Gotta talk to marketing about getting my face out there more. First thing Monday.

Saturday, July 12, 2014

Bros at the Statue of Liberty

Bro #1: Dude, what's the big deal with her. She's like a 2.

Bro #2: Come on bro, she like brought liberty to all these people and shit.

Bro #1: Fine, mayyybe I'll give her a 3. Definitely not a 4. What a dog. They should re-make that shit as Kate Upton.

Saturday, June 28, 2014

Old-School Dick Pic Guy

You kids, you have it easy. With your iPhones and your SnapChat, sending out a dick pic is as easy as hitting a button. 

But back in my heyday, you know what it took to send a dick pic? First you had to take the picture with a little device we used to call a CAMERA. Then you had to get in your car and drive to the one-hour photo place. And you had to wait one hour while some pimply-faced shit processed the photo of your dong. THEN, you had to get back in your car and drive to the house of the woman you were interested in, and hand it to her. Or if GOD FORBID she wasn't home, you had to write your name on the back of it and slip it under her door. But what if you didn't have a pen? THEN you know what you had to do? You had to knock on some old lady neighbor's door to ask to BORROW a pen to label your weiner. The process might take up your entire day.

We had to crawl so you could run. So yeah, think about that next time you're firing off a DP to some rando. And let's not forget my great-grandfather, who had to pay a hundred dollars (in 1880!), stand still for half an hour, wait days for the photo to be developed, and then ride a horse 50 miles to deliver HIS dick pics.