Boston Marathon Bombers' Uncle

Boston Marathon Bombers' Uncle (TO REPORTERS): My nephews have brought shame on my family! And they've brought shame on the Chechen peoples! Dzokhar, that loser, must tell everything he knows to the authorities! I wish I weren't related to these two demon-brothers!

Boston Marathon Bombers' Uncle's Interior Monologue: I know it's terrible what they did, I know. But isn't it nice that these two brothers did something TOGETHER? My own two sons won't even get a cup of Starbucks together - even after I offer them gift card to sweeten the deal - and these two plot a bombing, hide out, go on wild police chase together. I'm not condoning it, I'm just saying!

Boston Marathon Bombers' Uncle (TO REPORTERS): Shame! Losers!

Blind Guy Who Asked for a Squagel

Home Health Aide: I got a sesame squagel with cream cheese just like you asked for

Blind Guy: Did they make it this morning or was it fresh out of the oven? Bagels they make twice a day but squagels sometimes only once

Home Health Aide: No you're in luck - freshly made!

Blind Guy: Fantastic - well, hand over the goods

Home Health Aide: Why don't I just feed it to you?

Blind Guy: I appreciate that, but it's really unnecessary - hand it over

Home Health Aide: Uh... oh-OK

[Home Health Aide tentatively hands over the squagell]
[Blind Guy feels around the edges of the squagel]

Blind Guy (muttering to himself): So much cream cheese on here I can barely...
[Blind Guy scrapes the cream cheese off with a knife until the perimeter of the squagel is exposed. He touches the edges]

Blind Guy: Nora, I can't thank you enough for this squagel! Really, you must split it with me

Home Health Aide: No, I'm sure you're very hungry 

Blind Guy: I insist - you went all the way to Cosi to get this for me, the least I could do is give you half

Home Health Aide: Alright, th-thanks

[Home Health Aide reaches for her half of the squagel]
[Blind Guy grabs her hand and holds a knife against her throat with the other hand]

Blind Guy: Except you didn't go to Cosi, did you you little whore? Because this isn't even a squagel - it's just a bagel cut in the shape of a square!

Home Health Aide: It IS a squagel! And let go of me, you're really hurting me!
[Blind Guy pushes Home Health Aide's finger around the edges of the "squagel"]

Blind Guy: You feel those rough edges? Does that feel like the smooth perimeter of a squagel to you?

Home Health Aide: Alright, it's true, it's true! There was so much traffic on the way to Cosi that I just stopped at Starbucks and got a bagel and cut the sides off - I'm sorry!

Blind Guy: Starbucks no less - not even Bruegger's Bagels! Tryin' to pull a fast one on a blind man - you figured "hey, this poor schmuck's blind - he won't know the difference between a squagel and a bagel cut like a square"

Home Health Aide: COME ON, there IS no difference 

Blind Guy: NO DIFFERENCE?! The squagel's extra dough in the corners gives it a much softer texture after the baking process! And that's not to mention how much more water seeps into the extra surface area of the squagel during boiling, giving it a doughier inside! 

Home Health Aide: Owww! Look I'm sorry, it won't happen again

Blind Guy: That's for damned sure
[Blind Guy slits Home Health Aide's throat. She gasps for air and then collapses]
Blind Guy: SQUAGELLLLL!

Nebbishy Jewish Guy Who Turned Himself Into a Jackrabbit To Get Some Ass

Lions - They're Just Like Us

Eliot Spitzer And His Parents At An Event In Boca

[Photographer snaps photograph of Eliot Spitzer, Eliot Spitzer's Dad and Eliot Spitzer's Mom. Photographer walks away]

Eliot Spitzer's Mom: Eliot, our picture's gonna be in the Boca Beat section of the Miami Herald!

Eliot Spitzer: Wow, little old me?! In the Boca Beat?! What an honor!

Eliot Spitzer's Mom: No need for sarcasm, El. I think it's nice to get our picture in the paper, that's all

Eliot Spitzer: Sorry, it's just I was supposed to be the first Jewish President - and now...

Eliot Spitzer's Mom: You can still be the first Jewish President... of the Boca Grande Condo Association

[Eliot Spitzer gives his Mom a death stare]

Eliot Spitzer's Mom: What? It's very prestigious - they just created the BGCA by merging Boca Laguna and Grande Playa so it's an open election.

Eliot Spitzer's Dad: But you're gonna need a strong campaign El. I hear Irv Rosenthal - the over-80 shuffleboard champion of Southern Florida - is running. High name recognition!

Eliot Spitzer [muttering]: Well, I'm gonna take a shot of cyanide

Eliot Spitzer's Mom: Speak up, El! I can't hear you what'd you say?!

Eliot Spitzer: I SAID I'VE GOT A SLATE ARTICLE TO WRITE

Old-Fashioned Mom Whose Son Has the Gene That Makes Cilantro Taste Like Soap

Old-Fashioned Mom Whose Son Has the Gene That Makes Cilantro Taste Like Soap: Now Thomas, you've got to do your homework before you play any video games

Son: And you've got to think before you say stupid shit like that

Old-Fashioned Mom Whose Son Has the Gene That Makes Cilantro Taste Like Soap: Thomas James McArthur! You don't talk to your mother that way!

Son: Well I guess you're not paying attention because I just did, you dumb slut

Old-Fashioned Mom Whose Son Has the Gene That Makes Cilantro Taste Like Soap: That's it - I'm washin' your mouth out with cilantro!

Son: Nooooo! Anything but that!

Old-Fashioned Mom Whose Son Has the Gene That Makes Cilantro Taste Like Soap: It's the only way we're gonna clean that filthy mouth of yours!
[Old-Fashioned Mom Whose Son Has the Gene That Makes Cilantro Taste Like Soap grabs a bunch of cilantro and shoves it in her Son's mouth]

Son: Arghh - how - bleh! does anyone - yuch - voluntarily use this as a garnish -- mehh - on their tacos?!?!

Girl Who Just Broke a Glow Stick and Spilled Glow Shit on a Dude at a Rave

Girl Who Just Broke a Glow Stick and Spilled Glow Shit On a Dude at a Rave: I'm sorry man - but you're gonna be fine. IT'S NON-TOXIC!

Guy Who Got Glow Shit Spilled On Him: ARE YOU SURE? It feels kinda WEIRD ON MY SKIN?

Girl Who Just Broke a Glow Stick and Spilled Glow Shit On a Dude at a Rave (to her boyfriend): Derek, the glow shit - it's NON-TOXIC, RIGHT?!

[Derek the Boyfriend kind of nods but is really so fucked up on Molly he's just in his own world, dancing]

Girl Who Just Broke a Glow Stick and Spilled Glow Shit On a Dude at a Rave: Yeah - he says it's NON-TOXIC TOO! OK I gotta go see my friend near the stage. WOOOOO!
[Girl Who just Broke a Glow Stick and Spilled Glow Shit on a Dude at a Rave pumps her fist]

Guy Who Got Glow Shit Spilled On Him: WOOOOO!
[Guy Who Got Glow Shit Spilled on Him pumps fist]

Girl Who Just Broke a Glow Stick and Spilled Glow Shit On a Dude at a Rave's INNER MONOLOGUE: I don't believe that non-toxic bullshit for a minute - that guy's gonna turn into a fucking mutant. Probably disfigured for life. Whatever, Deadmau5 is absolutely CRUSHING this set!!!

At the Cutting Edge of #30Bro Denial

My Interior Monologue: Damnit this wisdom tooth is coming in back there, kinda sore. Maybe I should go to the dentist... NO! Can't admit to yourself you have wisdom teeth - that means you're old! Sure some people get their wisdom teeth when they're like 20, but some people become Norwood 7 freaks when they're 20 too! Wisdom teeth = old. Must stay young. Ignore the soreness. Just pay attention to your youthful teeth. Do I still have any baby teeth in there? Probably not - but as long as I don't acknowledge the wisdom teeth and stay below Norwood 2 I'll still be young... Ow! Should probably gChat KevCops about this issue

Snapple CEO at His Country Club the Day After He Launched Kris's Mix Up

Country Club Member: Hey I saw you put out Kris's Mix-Up, that Half-Lemonade Half-Iced Tea drink 

Snapple CEO's Inner Monologue: Dear God I hope he doesn't mention Arnold Palmers. No one mention Arnold Palmers!

Snapple CEO: Oh yeah - Kris, Kris Mains - she's in our R&D Department. One day she accidentally mixed a batch of our Iced Tea with our Lemonade, and well we thought that combo tasted so good we should make it a new Snapple flavor!

Country Club Member: Uh-huh, uh-huh, very exciting. The only thing is this club's been serving half-lemonade, half-iced teas - you know, Arnold Palmers - for years. You must've had one before Kris had her little mix-up?

Snapple CEO's Inner Monologue: Why did I come here - here, ground zero for Arnold Palmers?! Did I need to play golf that badly? I gotta lie low for a while 'till this whole thing dies down

Snapple CEO: Arnold... Palmer. Like the golfer? He has a half-lemonade half-iced tea drink named after him, and they serve it here?

Country Club Member: I mean Juan at the bar is always pushing it on members in the summer - it's his specialty, he has a secret ratio of lemonade to iced tea. I can't believe he hasn't served you one. Hold on a second - JUAN?

Snapple CEO's Inner Monologue: If Juan comes over here I'm a dead man. I practically lived on Arnold Palmers the whole summer of '92

Snapple CEO [getting up]: Oooh you know what I'm a little rusty I gotta hit the range before the first tee. See you around, buddy

Country Club Member: Wait, Juan's coming! 

[Snapple CEO rushes out the door]

Snapple CEO's Inner Monologue: Phew, that was close. I can't take this kind of pressure - I'm gonna have to scrap the plans for that Hot Toddy rip-off "Brenda's Boozy Brew"

Guy at a Cocktail Party Who For Medical Reasons Can't Eat, Drink, Piss, Poop, or Grab a Breath of Fresh Air

"Excuse me, we've run out of subjects to talk about and now you're boring me. I'm going to go find someone else to talk to or, barring that, check my phone"