Tuesday, June 30, 2009
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Wednesday, June 03, 2009
Driving Shoes Digest: Interview with Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman
Dan, reporter for Driving Shoes Digest: So, Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman- can I just call you Morgan?
Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: Of course, my friend.
Dan: So you stand outside Madame Toussaud's Wax Museum in Times Square every day- that must be pretty tough on your feet?
Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: Sure, sure. You can't imagine how many tourists pose for pictures with me every day -it's 15, 16 hours straight without a break. And I even heard one of them say the other day, "it's Barack Obama!" To be fair they probably put me out in front to remind people that President Obama's wax figure, who is a good friend of mine by the way, is inside once you pay the 20 dollars or whatever it is these days.
Morgan Freeman Tod's TD 4531 (BK) Driving Shoes
Wax Figure
Dan: So you chose some Tod's driving shoes to keep you comfortable during those long hours?
Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: Precisely!
Dan: I was chatting with WaLuigi the other day, and we agreed that one also wears driving shoes because they're stylish. They make you look like a titan of business. Wouldn't you say?
Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: I- I guess.
Dan: But more than that, they make you a titan of business. They imbue you with the contacts and the business acumen to get ahead in this world. And they make you irresistible to women. It's like the leather is treated with pheremones, the way these things work. They should sell a stick to fend off all the women coming after you when you wear driving shoes, wouldn't you say? But it would be a classy stick, more like a cane, don't you think?
Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: What? What are you talking about? They're just shoes. I like them. You are a strange young man!
Dan: Whew, I see driving shoes are a touchy subject for you. So what about those black spots on your face?
Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: Don't you do any research before you conduct interviews? This topic was addressed on Not About Delino DeShields in 2005 - you might find the post on the new Random Delino Plus Nostra site. This interview is over!
Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: Of course, my friend.
Dan: So you stand outside Madame Toussaud's Wax Museum in Times Square every day- that must be pretty tough on your feet?
Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: Sure, sure. You can't imagine how many tourists pose for pictures with me every day -it's 15, 16 hours straight without a break. And I even heard one of them say the other day, "it's Barack Obama!" To be fair they probably put me out in front to remind people that President Obama's wax figure, who is a good friend of mine by the way, is inside once you pay the 20 dollars or whatever it is these days.
Morgan Freeman Tod's TD 4531 (BK) Driving Shoes
Wax Figure
Dan: So you chose some Tod's driving shoes to keep you comfortable during those long hours?
Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: Precisely!
Dan: I was chatting with WaLuigi the other day, and we agreed that one also wears driving shoes because they're stylish. They make you look like a titan of business. Wouldn't you say?
Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: I- I guess.
Dan: But more than that, they make you a titan of business. They imbue you with the contacts and the business acumen to get ahead in this world. And they make you irresistible to women. It's like the leather is treated with pheremones, the way these things work. They should sell a stick to fend off all the women coming after you when you wear driving shoes, wouldn't you say? But it would be a classy stick, more like a cane, don't you think?
Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: What? What are you talking about? They're just shoes. I like them. You are a strange young man!
Dan: Whew, I see driving shoes are a touchy subject for you. So what about those black spots on your face?
Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: Don't you do any research before you conduct interviews? This topic was addressed on Not About Delino DeShields in 2005 - you might find the post on the new Random Delino Plus Nostra site. This interview is over!
Monday, June 01, 2009
Ode to Finishing up job
In my last couple days at my current job, I have totally given up on being courteous to my coworkers in any way. To honor this, I wrote a little song to the tune of Adam Sandler's classic "Steve Polychronopolous"- like to hear it? Here it goes:
I'll open a 46 ounce tub of Party Mix,
Just to eat one Dorito,
I'll open a pack of Milanos,
even though there's an open Brussels pack,
and they're basically the same shit,
My name is Dan... Mothafuckin'.... Bergerchronopolous
I'll tell the guy who has to clear the office
I still need the printer for work,
Even though I'll only use it to print out articles to read in the bathroom,
Instead of reading on the iPhone,
'Cause the screen is too fucking small,
Even when you turn it sideways,
'Cause My name's Dan... Mothafuckin'.... Bergerchronopolous
I'll take all the Perriers from the fridge,
even though they were specifically requested by some woman in accounting,
I'll borrow your scotch tape dispenser,
and never think of retuuuuurning it!
My name's Dan... Mothafuckin'.... Bergerchronopolous!
I'll open a 46 ounce tub of Party Mix,
Just to eat one Dorito,
I'll open a pack of Milanos,
even though there's an open Brussels pack,
and they're basically the same shit,
My name is Dan... Mothafuckin'.... Bergerchronopolous
I'll tell the guy who has to clear the office
I still need the printer for work,
Even though I'll only use it to print out articles to read in the bathroom,
Instead of reading on the iPhone,
'Cause the screen is too fucking small,
Even when you turn it sideways,
'Cause My name's Dan... Mothafuckin'.... Bergerchronopolous
I'll take all the Perriers from the fridge,
even though they were specifically requested by some woman in accounting,
I'll borrow your scotch tape dispenser,
and never think of retuuuuurning it!
My name's Dan... Mothafuckin'.... Bergerchronopolous!
Saturday, May 09, 2009
Faux Pas on the Road
I was on my way to pick up Rich, The Actual Tom and H Bomb for a joyride at dusk along the West Side Highway and FDR Drive, excited to take in a cool spring night and the beautiful riverfront views.
On my way there, I had the sunroof down and windows lowered, and was blasting Lady GaGa. Singing along, "P-p-p-p-p-p-oker face!" I was lost in my own little karaoke room. But every so often I would see someone on the sidewalk screaming at me. First it was an old man- "Turn on..." I heard. Was I turning this man on, I wondered, or was he trying to tell me to do something? But then "Just Dance" came on and I was back in karaoke mode. Then, passing by a hotel, the doorman pointed to the front of my car and screamed "Your lights, buddy!" It occurred to me that he and the old man were telling me I hadn't turned on my car lights as you're supposed to when it is nighttime. But between me not really being sure which lever turned the lights on, my current focus on singing dance-friendly pop music, and it not even being THAT dark out, I just ignored him. Then, when approaching Rich's apartment, a HOMELESS MAN outside the Salvation Army building on 14th Stret jumped next to my car as I was stopped in traffic and frantically pointed to my front lights. At that point, I gave in and turned my lights on.
I never realized what a serious violation of society's rules it was to drive even at the beginning of the night with no lights on. The way these people reacted you would think I had secured an infant to my windshield using Scotch tape. Lesson learned, you pussies.
Though I must note that:
1. Everyone else has their lights on anyway, so I'm sure they can all see my car
2. I have been told that my blue eyes are so radiant you can see them for miles, so it's not clear whether this "car lights" rule applies to me.
On my way there, I had the sunroof down and windows lowered, and was blasting Lady GaGa. Singing along, "P-p-p-p-p-p-oker face!" I was lost in my own little karaoke room. But every so often I would see someone on the sidewalk screaming at me. First it was an old man- "Turn on..." I heard. Was I turning this man on, I wondered, or was he trying to tell me to do something? But then "Just Dance" came on and I was back in karaoke mode. Then, passing by a hotel, the doorman pointed to the front of my car and screamed "Your lights, buddy!" It occurred to me that he and the old man were telling me I hadn't turned on my car lights as you're supposed to when it is nighttime. But between me not really being sure which lever turned the lights on, my current focus on singing dance-friendly pop music, and it not even being THAT dark out, I just ignored him. Then, when approaching Rich's apartment, a HOMELESS MAN outside the Salvation Army building on 14th Stret jumped next to my car as I was stopped in traffic and frantically pointed to my front lights. At that point, I gave in and turned my lights on.
I never realized what a serious violation of society's rules it was to drive even at the beginning of the night with no lights on. The way these people reacted you would think I had secured an infant to my windshield using Scotch tape. Lesson learned, you pussies.
Though I must note that:
1. Everyone else has their lights on anyway, so I'm sure they can all see my car
2. I have been told that my blue eyes are so radiant you can see them for miles, so it's not clear whether this "car lights" rule applies to me.
Friday, May 08, 2009
Overheard among the Gruff Crew Guys
(Gruff Crew Guy #1 is slicing a bagel in half)
Gruff Crew Guy #2 (gruff, Italian accent): Ya know, them bagels are fattening, Jimmy! It's like eatin' five loaves of bread, one of those things. Better off wit a donut!
-->Wow, this anti-bagel meme has spread pretty far if even tough Teamster guys are concerned about it. I was going to share with them that I learned from Ashley Olsen on Oprah that scooping the insides of the bagels slashes the amount of carbs and calories, but I didn't think it was my place.
Gruff Crew Guy #2 (gruff, Italian accent): Ya know, them bagels are fattening, Jimmy! It's like eatin' five loaves of bread, one of those things. Better off wit a donut!
-->Wow, this anti-bagel meme has spread pretty far if even tough Teamster guys are concerned about it. I was going to share with them that I learned from Ashley Olsen on Oprah that scooping the insides of the bagels slashes the amount of carbs and calories, but I didn't think it was my place.
Monday, May 04, 2009
Deep Thought...
Why does the copier have as its default setting not offsetting separate stacks of copies, instead putting them all in one big indiscriminate pile? This is like Canon saying "hmm... should we make the default setting no asshole spike or asshole spike? (after some consideration) Let's go with asshole spike, just to be on the safe side."
Sunday, May 03, 2009
Overheard at a Brooks Brothers photo shoot
Photographer (intermittently snapping photos): Marcel, baby, of course we're gonna show your face in this shot. Do the pose, do the one we worked on. Yes!Marcel (smiling): I think I really nailed it on that one.
(Marcel walks off to change into street clothes)
Female Assistant: Oh so you're going for a full-body shot this time - I'll shoot an email over to the catalog layout guys and let them know.
Photographer (grabbing assistant's hand before she can type): Were you born yesterday, honey? We're selling madras shorts here! There is a formula, it's pretty simple, it's worked for decades, we're not about to change it now: Shorts, toned calfs, driving shoes. Now get me those calf-shots for the prospective seersucker shorts models!
p.s. seriously fuck Michaelangelo's David - if that picture is not man at his most perfect I don't know what is
Wednesday, April 29, 2009
Just Discovered Google Reader Comment View
Wow I just realized you can choose to only look at Google Reader shares that have been commented on! So I made a video to show how I felt when I made this discovery:
Tuesday, April 28, 2009
New Twitter Profile Picture
A lot of you who follow my Twitter feed were complaining about how I didn't have a profile picture on Twitter. I didn't really understand what you were talking about, but to appease the complainers, I decided to use a medium shot of me rather than the close-up I had before (why do you guys care about this stuff?). Here it is:
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