Thursday, February 27, 2014

BetaBro vs. AlphaBro on Halloween

Cute Girl: And who are you?

BetaBro: I'm Heisenberg! 

[No response]

BetaBro: From Breaking Bad. I even have the broken nose from when Walter intentionally got into a car accident in the hopes of stopping Hank's investigation!

Cute Girl: Never seen it.

[Enter AlphaBro]
AlphaBro: I'm kind of a dick!

Cute Girl: Hahaha, that's so funny! Isn't that funny?

BetaBro: Yeah, yeah... hilarious.

Saturday, December 14, 2013

SingularityBro at a New Year's Party to ring in 2002


Partygoers: THREE! TWO! ONE! HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!

Cute Girl: Wow, 2002! So cool that this year's a palindrome! The last one we'll see in our lifetime

SingularityBro: Yeah, it's crazy!

SingularityBro's Interior Monologue: Maybe the last one you'll see in your lifetime, you dumbass! When the singularity comes ten years from now, only visionaries like me will be able to take advantage of it. And I'll live FOREVER! 2112, 2222, fucking 3333 - I'll see 'em all!

SingularityBro: Since it's our last palindrome year, let's make it special

(SingularityBro leans in to kiss Cute Girl. Cute Girl backs away)

Cute Girl: Whoa, whoa, I have a boyfriend.

(Cute Girl scurries over to her boyfriend, a handsome guy in a trucker hat)

SingularityBro's Interior Monologue: Eh, there'll be plenty more where she came from in the next... INFINITY years! Plus I won't be shackled to this pasty, overweight body and these unstylish clothes. Eh, maybe I should get a new sweater - I feel like this mock-turtleneck is a chick-repeller. Nah, when the Singularity comes I won't need clothes, my brain'll just be chillin' in that vat. "Come on into my vat, the water's warm," that'll be the pickup line of the future, yeah...

Saturday, October 19, 2013

Scene from J. Crew


J. Crew Employee: Hey man, you find everything you were looking for?

Me: Actually I was looking for this pink gingham shirt in a size small, but I don't see any.

J. Crew Employee: Sorry about that man, I'll go check in the back. 
[J. Crew Employee heads to the back storage room]

My Inner Monologue: "Man"! I'm "man"! Not "Sir" but "man"! I've still got it - I'm young, I'm hip! Maybe that old guy at the register is "Sir" but me, I'm "man." Who knows, maybe this J. Crew Employee'll want to go to a concert with me at Music Hall of Williamsburg?! No, no, we'll go to Glasslands - much younger! Much edgier!

J. Crew Employee's Inner Monologue: I can't believe corporate is making us call these fucking lame, aging yuppie customers "man." What, so they feel cool? Pathetic. "Man" hasn't even been cool since the '90s anyway. Honestly I should just quit this shit and focus on my music. Ugh, this herb is already wearing a red gingham shirt but nooooo he needs pink too "for the Hamptons." 

[J. Crew Employee returns with a size small pink gingham shirt]
J. Crew Employee: Here you go, man.

Me: Thanks, man!

Thursday, August 01, 2013

Ariel's Reaction to Ariel Castro Verdict




Sweet Female Friend: It's just horrible what that Ariel Castro did to those women he locked up in his house in Cleveland - I'm glad he got life in jail without the possibility of parole, plus 1,000 years. A million years wouldn't be long enough for what he did to those women!

Ariel: My feelings exactly. Plus he's sullied the good name of Ariels around the world. So bad for the Ariel brand. I know it's a small thing, but...

Sweet Female Friend: It's true, almost at the Adolf level of bad for the name

Ariel's Inner Monologue: Actually it's GOOD for the Ariel brand because now millions of people are seeing that Ariel can be a man's name too! This is undoing years of Little Mermaid damage!!!

Ariel: So bad for everyone. So, so bad
[Ariel puts a comforting hand on Sweet Female Friend's shoulder]

Monday, April 22, 2013

Boston Marathon Bombers' Uncle



Boston Marathon Bombers' Uncle (TO REPORTERS): My nephews have brought shame on my family! And they've brought shame on the Chechen peoples! Dzokhar, that loser, must tell everything he knows to the authorities! I wish I weren't related to these two demon-brothers!

Boston Marathon Bombers' Uncle's Interior Monologue: I know it's terrible what they did, I know. But isn't it nice that these two brothers did something TOGETHER? My own two sons won't even get a cup of Starbucks together - even after I offer them gift card to sweeten the deal - and these two plot a bombing, hide out, go on wild police chase together. I'm not condoning it, I'm just saying!

Boston Marathon Bombers' Uncle (TO REPORTERS): Shame! Losers!

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Blind Guy Who Asked for a Squagel



Home Health Aide: I got a sesame squagel with cream cheese just like you asked for

Blind Guy: Did they make it this morning or was it fresh out of the oven? Bagels they make twice a day but squagels sometimes only once

Home Health Aide: No you're in luck - freshly made!

Blind Guy: Fantastic - well, hand over the goods

Home Health Aide: Why don't I just feed it to you?

Blind Guy: I appreciate that, but it's really unnecessary - hand it over

Home Health Aide: Uh... oh-OK

[Home Health Aide tentatively hands over the squagell]
[Blind Guy feels around the edges of the squagel]

Blind Guy (muttering to himself): So much cream cheese on here I can barely...
[Blind Guy scrapes the cream cheese off with a knife until the perimeter of the squagel is exposed. He touches the edges]

Blind Guy: Nora, I can't thank you enough for this squagel! Really, you must split it with me

Home Health Aide: No, I'm sure you're very hungry 

Blind Guy: I insist - you went all the way to Cosi to get this for me, the least I could do is give you half

Home Health Aide: Alright, th-thanks

[Home Health Aide reaches for her half of the squagel]
[Blind Guy grabs her hand and holds a knife against her throat with the other hand]

Blind Guy: Except you didn't go to Cosi, did you you little whore? Because this isn't even a squagel - it's just a bagel cut in the shape of a square!

Home Health Aide: It IS a squagel! And let go of me, you're really hurting me!
[Blind Guy pushes Home Health Aide's finger around the edges of the "squagel"]

Blind Guy: You feel those rough edges? Does that feel like the smooth perimeter of a squagel to you?

Home Health Aide: Alright, it's true, it's true! There was so much traffic on the way to Cosi that I just stopped at Starbucks and got a bagel and cut the sides off - I'm sorry!

Blind Guy: Starbucks no less - not even Bruegger's Bagels! Tryin' to pull a fast one on a blind man - you figured "hey, this poor schmuck's blind - he won't know the difference between a squagel and a bagel cut like a square"

Home Health Aide: COME ON, there IS no difference 

Blind Guy: NO DIFFERENCE?! The squagel's extra dough in the corners gives it a much softer texture after the baking process! And that's not to mention how much more water seeps into the extra surface area of the squagel during boiling, giving it a doughier inside! 

Home Health Aide: Owww! Look I'm sorry, it won't happen again

Blind Guy: That's for damned sure
[Blind Guy slits Home Health Aide's throat. She gasps for air and then collapses]
Blind Guy: SQUAGELLLLL!

Wednesday, February 27, 2013

Lions - They're Just Like Us


Eliot Spitzer And His Parents At An Event In Boca


[Photographer snaps photograph of Eliot Spitzer, Eliot Spitzer's Dad and Eliot Spitzer's Mom. Photographer walks away]

Eliot Spitzer's Mom: Eliot, our picture's gonna be in the Boca Beat section of the Miami Herald!

Eliot Spitzer: Wow, little old me?! In the Boca Beat?! What an honor!

Eliot Spitzer's Mom: No need for sarcasm, El. I think it's nice to get our picture in the paper, that's all

Eliot Spitzer: Sorry, it's just I was supposed to be the first Jewish President - and now...

Eliot Spitzer's Mom: You can still be the first Jewish President... of the Boca Grande Condo Association


[Eliot Spitzer gives his Mom a death stare]

Eliot Spitzer's Mom: What? It's very prestigious - they just created the BGCA by merging Boca Laguna and Grande Playa so it's an open election.

Eliot Spitzer's Dad: But you're gonna need a strong campaign El. I hear Irv Rosenthal - the over-80 shuffleboard champion of Southern Florida - is running. High name recognition!

Eliot Spitzer [muttering]: Well, I'm gonna take a shot of cyanide

Eliot Spitzer's Mom: Speak up, El! I can't hear you what'd you say?!

Eliot Spitzer: I SAID I'VE GOT A SLATE ARTICLE TO WRITE