Wednesday, March 29, 2006

NSA Spying Scandal Exclusive

When President Bush's warrantless NSA spying program was revealed in December, it caused a lot of objections and anger from liberals and civil libertarians. They claimed it was not only illegal but UNNECESSARY. As to the former, i'll leave that to the Perry Masons of the blogosphere. But our sources have given Delino an exclusive scoop into the inner workings of the system before the NSA spying program, and after you read it, you will definitely not deem the program unnecessary.

Here is a transcript that shows how the NSA used to obtain possible terrorists' cell phone numbers, pre-spying program, in a typical case:

[Alberto Gonzales sits at a bar in a Muslim part of Washington, DC. He has come here a couple times in the last few weeks and has been chatting up the men sitting next to him for a little while tonight. He is drinking an Amstel Light.]

Gonzales [addressing Ahmed, seated to his right]: Man, I had a great time tonight. Let's meet up again this weekend, maybe some soccer, a movie, whatever. (taking out his cell phone) I'll give you a ring, we'll set it up. So what're your digits?

Ahmed: Actually, I'm kind of in a hurry.

Gonzales: Oh that's cool. How 'bout I give you my number, and then you call me and I store your shit. Save some time. I'm 202-365-9054.

Ahmed: Uhh... yeah. I really gotta go. Maybe I'll catch you around here again though.

Gonzales: Seriously, it'll only take a second.

Ahmed: Sorry, I'm just out the door.
[Ahmed exits bar]
[Gonzales turns to Mohammed, on his left]
Gonzales: Hey, Muhammed, my man. So, funny story. I'm on a business trip and I'm taking a bath at the hotel. My wife calls the cell and starts yapping to me about how the kids need to be driven to Little League, or soccer practice, I dunno, some bullshit. So I say, "Oh really honey, that's very important, continue," putting the phone on the side of the tub so I can just relax while she's yammering. But all of a sudden I get a call from my buddy John, the phone vibrates, and BAM! It's in the water. Phone's fucked, SIM card's fucked. Now I need to recompile all the contacts. So what's Ahmed's number again?

Muhammed: I'm not sure.

Gonzales: Really? You guys seemed like friends, so I just figured you'd know it. Hey what about your number, I mean I'd love to hang out this weekend. How's your Saturday looking?

Muhammed: Oh, you know what, I just remembered I've got a thing. Sorry I couldn't help you out. Later.
[Muhammed exits bar]

p.s. check out Tom's debut post at The Delino Factor for Kids

A Cautionary Tale

For all us bloggers out there who think we have an infinite amount of time to produce all the brilliant posts that we have been dreaming up. Look what happened to this man.

Monday, March 27, 2006

A Joke?

I will not change a single detail because this actually came to me in a dream:

Two parents are sitting in the living room of their apartment. Their baby boy (a 1-year-old) is sitting at the family computer. The baby starts crying.

Dad (taking baby in arms): Aw, there, there, what's wrong honey?
(Dad looks at computer screen, starts bawling)
Mom: What's wrong guys, did the Pope die (again)? Did Britney and Kevin split up? Is Brangelina's baby ugly?
Baby (choking back tears): No, I just saw that Rich moved Salam to "Might Never Update Again." Why, Mommy, why?

Friday, March 24, 2006

Learn how to keep a girl locked up AND make her poop in a can...

Professor Thomas Hose, pictured here sporting a mustache, will teach YOU how to tie a knot!

Professor Hose had Tanya Kach tied up for
the last DECADE!
The knots went on when she was a tender and squirmy 14 year old!
They came off just this year! A record 10 year Hose knot!

Culture Commentary

Blogs are the new cell phones. Everyone you know has one and they ring way too often in class. Discuss.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Blog News with Aaron Brown

I figured that since Tom and Dan are going to start some new political bull shit blog, I should contribute my expertise as well. I'll go over the next day's headlines much like Aaron Brown does in Newsnight on CNN. Here are previews of my first blog-journalism stories.

This cheerleader, after getting hurt, looks like she is still cheering, despite her injuries, maybe she is just locked into that position.

Also, these Eta terrorists look like the traitorous mushrooms (Goomba's) in super mario brothers. They're wearing beret's.

The Commish

I've been offered the job of NFL commissioner. I'm mulling over whether or not to accept it. It might be too much gladhanding and politicking for me. I sort of prefer anonymous spreadsheets and hitting Alt-Tab a lot on my computer. What do you guys think?

Tuesday, March 21, 2006


First of all, there is a post imminent on Delino, probably tonight.
Secondly, so as to prevent mass hysteria and make myself immune from any lawsuits resulting from the heart attacks people will have when they hear this, I want to alert you to the fact that Tom and I are starting another blog to discuss some serious political/economic matters- not something reacting to daily MSM bullshit, but more about longer-term stories/trends. It's called Daily Kos. No seriously, it's called THE DELINO FACTOR FOR KIDS.

Friday, March 17, 2006

From the EBay Feedback Archives

Dan's dark side:


Seller kookykitsch ( 1221)


Dan ended up receiving the item from "kookykitsch" despite this harsh rebuke. The item in question? A 10+-year-old can of Crystal Clear Pepsi.

The Pepsi Verdict? It was real and it was spectacular!

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Where's Andrae?!

I wish you wouldn't embarrass me like that when I'm out with my colleagues.

Sunday, March 12, 2006

Text Message Love

And now for something completely different—

Below are text messages I have actually received from a gentleman I sometimes deign to spend somewhat intimate time with. Fair warning: the content of the messages will make you gag. Before you judge me, know that said companion has a very toned, tall, dare I say exquisite physique. Still, I put the question to you Delino readers—
With texts like these, can I ever see this guy again?

"For i was reared in the great city, pent mid cloisters dim, and saw naught lovely but the sky and stars. Coleridge..."
"I'm walking in phoebus apollo's rays, listening to mozart. How wondrous it is to be alive."
"Pardon the sentiment, but you are truly a bright light" (Well, that was actually really nice, I feel kind of bad putting it up here, whatevs though)
"Oh, gems who marvel at the ore..."

I didn't really get that last one either. Shit is crazy. What's a girl to do?

Saturday, March 11, 2006

A Trip to the Doctor, Part II

Well, my mother finally took me to the grown-up doctor the other day. The waiting room was decidedly un-fun, so I won't bore you with the details there.

Soon enough, I was ushered into an examining room, where Doctor M. was waiting. Doctor M. asked me where I went to high school and college, and immediately after I was finished telling him, he piped in with, "I went to Fieldston and PENN." I guess some notion popped into Doctor M.'s mind that he would forge a bond with me over our common ground of Ivy League education, because he kept making references to it during the physical examination. "Your shoulder looks alright- you know I dislocated my shoulder playing baseball at PENN." "I might refer you to a gastroenterologist- I know him from PENN." And finally, when I couldn't read a prescription he wrote, "Oh that’s just my PENN handwriting."

At that point, we were almost done with the examination, but Doctor M. still had to ask me a few questions about my lifestyle. He ticked off the diet and sexual questions, and finally he got to the alcohol and drug questions:

Doctor M.: OK, Dan, I'm gonna ask you a few questions about alcohol and drugs. Now remember, I won't tell your parents, I won't even keep a record of it, I just need to know this stuff to help me diagnose you. So how often do you drink alcohol?

Me: Once a week.

Doctor M.: Come on, a young guy like you, that doesn't sound right.

Me: Yeah, four times a week is more like it. Don't tell my mom though, really she has a thing about drunk drivers.

Doctor M.: Dan, I told you this is confidential- strictly between you and me. OK now moving on to drugs. Have you ever smoked marijuana?

Me (sheepish grin)

Doctor M.: Can I assume from your sheepish grin that the answer is yes? Don't worry about it, Dan, even I tried a few doobies back at PENN. Again, I have to emphasize that I will not tell your parents any of this information. It’s just so I can figure out what’s wrong with you.

Me: I'm sorry, you're right. I'll just answer truthfully from now on.

Doctor M.: Good. Now have you ever tried mushrooms?

Me: No.

Doctor M.: LSD?

Me: No.

Doctor M.: PCP?

Me: No.

Doctor M.: Methamphetamine?

Me: No.

Doctor M.: Cocaine?

Me: Uh, yes.

Doctor M.: HOLY FUCKING SHITBALLS! You did YAYO? I bet it was amazing! It was amazing, wasn't it?

Me: I don't know, I guess. I only did it a couple times.

Doctor M.: MAN, I heard it makes you feel like you're fucking king of the world!

Me: I mean, yeah it makes you feel good.

Doctor M.: Come on, gimme the lowdown. What if I've got a girl at my place who is DOWN TO FUCK. We do a couple lines, can I still, you know, get it on?

Me: I haven't really tried that. What, what does this have to do with my stomach pains?

Doctor M.: Dan, I need to know everything in order to diagnose you properly. Geez, my wife would kill me if she knew I were talking to you about this- (nagging jewish wife voice) "YAY-o, aww you insane? You're a doctah!" (normal voice) But I mean, godDAMNit, we're talking about fucking king of the world here, right?

Me: Could you just tell me what's wrong with me?

Doctor M.: Yeah, I’ll drink some shots first, then do the stuff, get some symbiotic shit going on up there. What’s a good number of lines to do at one time? TEN! No, I’m kidding, I’m kidding. But seriously, four is solid, right?

Me (leaving the room): I’ll see you later. I’m going back to Doctor Mom. There’s really no ailment she can’t cure with orange juice and Back to the Future on VHS.

Doctor M. (yelling back at me): Come back, Dan. A few more questions and I would have had a diagnosis!

Wednesday, March 08, 2006

Trumpo devorando a su hijo

The Drudge Report recently posted an article that Donald Trump would date his own daughter .

Trump's representative, Jim Dowd, told The Associated Press on Tuesday that Trump "was absolutely joking."

"He was making fun of himself for his tendency to date younger women," Dowd said. "It's a sense of humor that people don't see (from him) all the time."

I don't buy it for instant. Why such a quick denial? Is there something we don't know about? Listen, don't get me wrong, Trump's a great guy. He's a GREAT GUY.

I don't think there's anything wrong with saying your daughter is hot and you would date her if she were not your daughter. But remember when Saturn said that his daughter looked delicious and that he would eat her if she weren't his daughter, and then brushed it aside as a joke, and we all believed him, AND THEN THIS HAPPENED:

Sunday, March 05, 2006

Delino makes overtures to the RADICAL LEFT

Quote of the day: (after being interrupted by appluase) "What was I saying?... something about Bush, war crimes, Iraq. I don't remember, whatever." -Cindy Sheehan

Thursday, March 02, 2006

Baby murderer sentenced to 30 years in prison… for stealing pizza.

Former child star Lionel Tate, who at the tender age of 12 committed his first murder, struck a plea bargain today. The sentence: 30 years in prison. The crime: armed robbery of 4 large pepperoni pizzas.

On a steamy Wednesday evening in May 2004, a hungry and Play Station weary Mr. Tate ordered 4 pizzas from Papa John’s. Mr. Tate was prepared, but not to pay the $22.87 due. Rather than greet the deliveryman at the door, Mr. Tate sprung out from behind bushes armed with a handgun. The delivery driver dropped the pizzas and ran, but Mr. Tate chased after him hoping to score some extra garlic butter.

Lionel Tate pictured here wearing a Hamburglar costume.

Prosecutors had plenty of evidence tying Mr. Tate to the robbery, including his fingerprints on three of the four pizza boxes. Ellis Rubin, Mr. Tate's lawyer, called the evidence against his client "overwhelming" and said he was satisfied with the plea deal in between nibbles of Pizza Huts new Cheesy Bites™.

“You are in a deep dish of trouble” said Judge Lazarus of the Broward County Circuit Court, comparing today’s ruling with the thin crust sentence of ‘time-out’ and probation Mr. Tate had been serving for murdering a baby in 1999.

Outside the court house delivery drivers rejoiced. “It’s a real victory,” said Ronny Baldo after the hearing. “I just didn’t feel safe delivering pizza with Terrible Tate on the streets.” Mr. Tate's mother, Kathleen Grossett-Tate, blotted oily tears from her face with some paper napkins and said she felt relieved with the plea. "It's very emotional," she said. "I'm very hopeful Dominos will now deliver."

Wednesday, March 01, 2006

How Gay Are You? No, Seriously

Here's another little gem. This month's Scientific American Mind (a branch of Scientific American magazine) features a quiz by Harvard trained psychologist Robert Epstein."The Sexual Orientation Continuum" features nine questions queerying your inclinations in an attempt to gayge how much of a fag you are. Here are the questions:

1) How strongly are you attracted to members of the opposite sex?
2) Have you ever felt sexually attracted to a member of the same sex?
3) Have you ever had a dream about a sexual encounter with a member of the same sex?
4) Have you ever had a waking fantasy about a sexual encounter with a member of the same sex?
5) Have you ever voluntarily had sexual contact (such as kissing or petting) with a member of the same sex?
6) How frequent are your same-sex fantasies or dreams?
7) Have you ever felt sexually aroused when you've had any exposure to two people of your same sex having a sexual encounter (through gossip, a video or some other means)?
8) Would you be willing to have sexual relations with someone of the same sex?
9) How frequent are your same-sex encounters?

I think an affirmative to just one of these questions would be sufficient to cross the threshold into fagdom. Regardless, HARVARD-Trained Dr. Epstein must have a very good reason for needing 9! I mean, if you answer yes to the first 8, but say "never had them" to " How frequent are your same-sex encounters?" I'm really sure there's still a lot of room for doubt.

My idea, each of you (ATTN: Delino Readers) should make your own quiz and submit it to SciAm Mind. Here's mine: "The How Much Do You Enjoy Hiding in Bathroom Stalls at Movie Theaters Waiting For Little Boys to Piss, and then Drinking Their Urine Continuum?"

It consists of one question.

How much do you enjoy hiding in bathroom stallls at movie theaters waiting for little boys to piss, and then drink their Urine?

The Ex Files

Yesterday I found out that a person I work with is getting divorced. So this morning I was just searching on google about divorce, maybe to learn some pertinent information that could help him, and I came across this site:

It's Divorce Magazine!

help for generation "ex"

Now that's clever!

I also like the picture on this month's cover.

I can imagine the photographer saying... "OK Suzanne, smile, but not too wide. Yeah that's good. You don't want people to think you're too happy."
I imagine he has to go through the same admonishments each week, with eager young models dissapointed to land their first big cover but unable to flash their pearly-whites. It must be difficult for the photographer to strike that delicate balance between the relief at ending a bad marriage, and the bittersweet realization of lost youth. What an art!