Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Guy who buys plane tickets just to go to the airport sushi bar

Announcer: Final boarding call for flight 273 to Los Angeles... the gate has closed for flight 273, there will be no more boarding.

Guy At Sushi Bar (jokingly): Whoops, looks like I missed my flight! Again. Oh noooo.

[Guy At Sushi Bar and Sushi Chef share a laugh]

Guy At Sushi Bar: Another three yellowtails, my friend.

Sushi Chef: Wait - Los Angeles? Why don't you just get a ticket to Boston, it's 300 dollars cheaper.

Guy at Sushi Bar (no longer laughing, dead serious): Goddamnit.

Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Charles Schwab and His Grandson Go To Lunch

[A cute HOSTESS is at a maitre d' stand in front]

Charles Schwab (nudging Grandson like "watch this"): Reservation for 2 for Schwab. Charles Schwab.

Hostess: Alright Mr. Schwab, your table is ready!

Charles Schwab: Ahem. I'm not sure you heard me correctly: Charles Schwab.

Hostess: Uh... yes (checks reservation book) Mr. Schwab. Your table's ready. Right by the window over here.

Charles Schwab: No I'm the Charles Schwab.

Hostess: Riiight. I got that. Enjoy your meal, Mr. Schwab.

[Exit Hostess. Charles Schwab and his Grandson are seated]

Grandson: Why do you have to do that everywhere we go?

Charles Schwab (stewing): That strumpet! I'm the reason she doesn't pay ATM fees - but does she care? No. That's it - I'm shutting down her account. I'm Charles Schwab dammit! CHARLES SCHWAB!

[beat. Grandson looks at Charles Schwab, thinks he's done with his rant]

Grandson: Grandpa, Mom had this thing looked at on her arm, they said it could be cancerou--

Charles Schwab: -- maybe they don't know I'm a real person! They think "Charles Schwab" is some made-up guy like Mister Clean. Gotta talk to marketing about getting my face out there more. First thing Monday.