Monday, April 22, 2013

Boston Marathon Bombers' Uncle

Boston Marathon Bombers' Uncle (TO REPORTERS): My nephews have brought shame on my family! And they've brought shame on the Chechen peoples! Dzokhar, that loser, must tell everything he knows to the authorities! I wish I weren't related to these two demon-brothers!

Boston Marathon Bombers' Uncle's Interior Monologue: I know it's terrible what they did, I know. But isn't it nice that these two brothers did something TOGETHER? My own two sons won't even get a cup of Starbucks together - even after I offer them gift card to sweeten the deal - and these two plot a bombing, hide out, go on wild police chase together. I'm not condoning it, I'm just saying!

Boston Marathon Bombers' Uncle (TO REPORTERS): Shame! Losers!

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Blind Guy Who Asked for a Squagel

Home Health Aide: I got a sesame squagel with cream cheese just like you asked for

Blind Guy: Did they make it this morning or was it fresh out of the oven? Bagels they make twice a day but squagels sometimes only once

Home Health Aide: No you're in luck - freshly made!

Blind Guy: Fantastic - well, hand over the goods

Home Health Aide: Why don't I just feed it to you?

Blind Guy: I appreciate that, but it's really unnecessary - hand it over

Home Health Aide: Uh... oh-OK

[Home Health Aide tentatively hands over the squagell]
[Blind Guy feels around the edges of the squagel]

Blind Guy (muttering to himself): So much cream cheese on here I can barely...
[Blind Guy scrapes the cream cheese off with a knife until the perimeter of the squagel is exposed. He touches the edges]

Blind Guy: Nora, I can't thank you enough for this squagel! Really, you must split it with me

Home Health Aide: No, I'm sure you're very hungry 

Blind Guy: I insist - you went all the way to Cosi to get this for me, the least I could do is give you half

Home Health Aide: Alright, th-thanks

[Home Health Aide reaches for her half of the squagel]
[Blind Guy grabs her hand and holds a knife against her throat with the other hand]

Blind Guy: Except you didn't go to Cosi, did you you little whore? Because this isn't even a squagel - it's just a bagel cut in the shape of a square!

Home Health Aide: It IS a squagel! And let go of me, you're really hurting me!
[Blind Guy pushes Home Health Aide's finger around the edges of the "squagel"]

Blind Guy: You feel those rough edges? Does that feel like the smooth perimeter of a squagel to you?

Home Health Aide: Alright, it's true, it's true! There was so much traffic on the way to Cosi that I just stopped at Starbucks and got a bagel and cut the sides off - I'm sorry!

Blind Guy: Starbucks no less - not even Bruegger's Bagels! Tryin' to pull a fast one on a blind man - you figured "hey, this poor schmuck's blind - he won't know the difference between a squagel and a bagel cut like a square"

Home Health Aide: COME ON, there IS no difference 

Blind Guy: NO DIFFERENCE?! The squagel's extra dough in the corners gives it a much softer texture after the baking process! And that's not to mention how much more water seeps into the extra surface area of the squagel during boiling, giving it a doughier inside! 

Home Health Aide: Owww! Look I'm sorry, it won't happen again

Blind Guy: That's for damned sure
[Blind Guy slits Home Health Aide's throat. She gasps for air and then collapses]