Friday, April 09, 2010

Beta Guy at Woodstock

[Beta Guy stops his 1960's Toyota Camry-equivalent in a field relatively far away from the concert site, hesitantly gets out of his car but does not lock it]
[Some attractive hippies are walking by him, toward the concert]

Beta Guy: Hi I was thinking of parking here and I was wondering I guess I have two questions - one, is it legal to park here, and two, is there some sort of shuttle bus situation because I have this back thing and it looks kinda far?

[Attractive Hippie Girl blows weed smoke in Beta Guy's face]
[Two Attractive Hippie Guys lock arms with Beta Guy and start skipping toward the concert with him in between them]

Beta Guy (looking back at car): I, uh, I don't think I locked the car so maybe I should just--

Attractive Hippie Guy: --Just follow the music, man

[Beta Guy and Attractive Hippies arrive at concert]
[Attractive Hippies leave Beta Guy]
[A Hippie Scalper approaches Beta Guy]

Hippie Scalper: Hey man, a hundred bucks for a ticket. Face value.

Beta Guy: Well, seeing as how it's the last day of the festival and that ticket price is supposed to cover three days, why don't we say thirty-three dollars?

Hippie Scalper: A hundred bucks - it's face value, my brother.

Beta Guy: Right, but it's face value for three days and I'm only getting one day.

Hippie Scalper: What's your problem, man?

Beta Guy: Alright, fine. Here you go (begrudgingly handing Hippie Scalper $100 bill)
[Hippie Scalper gives Beta Guy ticket]

[Beta Guy enters concert grounds]
[In front of him is an orgy of sex, drugs, and rock n' roll]


[A smile crosses Beta Guy's face]
[Beta Guy takes his pants off, folds them. He begins to take his tighty-whities off when... a Male Hippie starts having sex with the Naked Hippie Woman]
[Beta Guy sheepishly gets dressed]

[Two young guys stumble Beta Guy]
Beta Guy: Hi, um excuse me. I was wondering if, since you guys seem to be "trippin' balls", you knew where I could, perhaps, procure a couple tabs?

Young Guy 1: Dude, what the fuck is this guy talking about?

Young Guy 2: Just feel the music, man.
[Young Guy 2 flashes peace sign and the two Young Guys walk off]

[Onstage, Jimi Hendrix is performing "The Star-Spangled Banner"]
[Beta Guy walks closer to the stage]

[An Athletic Hippie Guy starts crowd-surfing. He's being passed around, and is headed toward Beta Guy]
[Beta Guy tries to move out of the way... no luck. Beta Guy tries to support the Athletic Hippie Guy, to no avail. Athletic Hippie Guy falls on top of Beta Guy]

Beta Guy: My back!

Hippie Girl: Far ouuuuut. Pile on!

Beta Guy: That may sound like fun, but I don't think it's a very good idea bec--
[dozens of Hippies pile on Beta Guy and Athletic Hippie]


First Date with a Na'vi Princess

[I have phone to my ear]
Me: This is fucking amazing! I can't believe I'm going on a date with a Na'vi princess! What? Oh yeah, I'll give you the deets on that crazy ponytail-docking sex for sure. Oh dude, I think she just got here - later.

[Na'vi princess is looking around the restaurant]

Me: Hey, are you Neytiri?

Neytiri: Yep. And you must be Dan.

Me: It's great to meet you.

[I stick out my hand for a handshake, then decide that a hug is in order. Neytiri and I do a distant, butt sticking out half-hug. We both sit down at the table]

Me: So you went to Brown, right?

Neytiri: What? No, I've lived my whole life on Pandora. I just got to Earth a few months ago.

Me: Oh, got it. I just thought that might be where you knew Anna from.

Neytiri: No, Anna and I are in the same yoga class.

Me: Downward Dog!

[long pause]

Me: How's Anna doing these days? I heard she was gonna do the whole corporate law thing for a few years, pay back the loans, and then move to a non-profit like she always wanted. Greenpeace, I think. No, no - the ACLU.

Neytiri: Maybe - we don't really talk about that stuff in class.

[long pause]

Me: Isn't the decor here cool? The floorboards are from an old warehouse.
[no response]
Me: In Brooklyn.
[no response]
Me: It's a meme!

Neytiri: What's a meme?

Me: (sigh)