Thursday, June 30, 2011

Scene from John Kerry's Office

[John Kerry, Teresa and Stephen, an aide, are in Kerry's office]
Stephen: This is horrible Senator Kerry, they're hanging an effigy of you in Pakistan. I'm so sorry.

John Kerry: I know, Stephen. Frightening what some people will stoop to. Now I need a moment to console Teresa.
[Exit Stephen]

John Kerry: Can you believe it? An effigy? Of ME? And my name is BEFORE Obama's!

Teresa: Johnny I've got 3 words

John Kerry: John. Kerry. 2016.

Teresa: You got it
[Teresa and John Kerry start making out]

[Enter Stephen. John Kerry immediately makes it seem like he's just consoling Teresa]
Stephen: I'm sorry for barging in Senator Kerry, it's just I forgot my iPhone charger and I'm going on a long train ride.

John Kerry: No, no - it's fine, Stephen. There, there Teresa
[John pets Teresa's hair]

Thursday, June 09, 2011

Preview of President Obama's Labor Day Speech

President Obama: My fellow Americans, on this day we give thanks to the hundreds of millions across this great land who summon the strength to get out of bed in the morning, show up to the office or jobsite and put in an honest, hard day's work to make this country run each and every day. These Americans are not out for riches, and they're certainly not out for fame - they just want to do the best job they can.
[President Obama turns toward the Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas, sitting on dais]
And that's why today I am giving the Presidential Medal of Honor to the Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas. Like so many decent, hard-working Americans, no one knows his name--

Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas: Mr. President, my name is Taboo!

President Obama: No one knows what he does--

Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas: Mr. President how do you not know that I rap, dance capoeira, and also play keyboards on some tracks?

President Obama: No one even knows what race he is - Samoan maybe?

Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas: Jesus Christ President Obama I'm a mix of Mexican and Shoshone Indian!

President Obama: But we do know that he is a hard-working American who puts 110% into his work and that on this Labor Day we honor that dedication to his job!
[Rapturous applause from the crowd as President Obama puts the Presidential Medal of Honor around Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas' neck]

President Obama (small talk w/ Post-Racial Guy over the deafening applause): So how's doin'?

Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas: You know his name but not mine?! He's the fourth wheel! I'm only the third wheel!

President Obama: Hey - but he's a brotha...
[President Obama flashes a 1000-Watt smile]
[Post-Racial Guy from the Black Eyed Peas sulks quietly]