Saturday, December 31, 2005

The Blogosphere taketh away and the Blogosphere giveth

Well, we thought we'd lost him to the deep abyss of defunct blogs, but I'm pleased to announce the return of Munz, one of the great early lights of blogging. And he's rearin' to talk about the topics which matter most to him. So without further ado, here is Politics and War. And Food.

Tuesday, December 27, 2005

No matter how many times I leave the office,

I always think that the outside door is push instead of pull. Be consistent NFL, be consistent. I can't push one door and pull another. It just doesn't make sense. You better watch out as well Hale and Hearty on 64th and Lex.

Saturday, December 17, 2005

Michael Berger back in the news

Yes, that's right, everybody's favorite Park Avenue lawyer is back in the big-time (even if Jim Lee tried to bring him down). Mr. Berger is representing Hip-Hop DJ Ed Lover, who he used to watch religiously when he hosted Yo! MTV Raps.

Thursday, December 15, 2005

The Free Market

A few years ago, my father handled a small legal matter for the owner of Bagelworks, a local bagel store near my house. Ever since then, the owner, an avuncular Hungarian woman, has adored my father and given him free bagels as a token of appreciaton for his help.

The other day, my father walked into Bagelworks for his weekly bagels, and was greeted with the usual "Meester Berger! My friend!" "Nice to see you. How's business?" responded my father, as the conversation proceeded with the usual patter. But suddenly, the owner got very serious--

Bagelworks Owner: Meester Berger, I have another legal matter to discuss with you. Please come to the back room.

My Dad: What is it?

Bagelworks Owner: You see, a new bagel store opened down the block, and we're having a little trouble. I was wondering if you could do something about it?

My Dad: So what happened, did it infringe on your copyrighted name?

Bagelworks Owner: No, I... I want you to SHUT IT DOWN!

My Dad: Are they not zoned for retail? I can check with the City Council.

Bagelworks Owner: No, no council, just SHUT IT DOWN! SHUT IT DOWN!

My Dad: This isn't Hungary--in America, you can't put your competitor out of business simply because you don't want competition.

Bagelworks Owner: Of course I cannot Meester Berger. I am just a simple shopkeep. But you are a man of the law. You can do whatever you want! SHUT IT DOWN, Meester Berger, I beg you.

Wednesday, December 14, 2005

Next time you are text messaging

Be careful when you try to type something in about Michael Jordan because if you have the same T9 autocomplete system as I do you might just type Michael Korean.

for DEC. 18

CHRIS FARLEY RETROSPECTIVE

Monday, December 12, 2005

Dentist Tip

To any youngsters out there- when you're at the dentist's office and he's putting that fluoride plate in your mouth, he's gonna suggest that you get Bubblegum flavor. "You're a kid" he says, and "kids love bubblegum". Don't fall for it- it's gross. Orange is way better.

Thursday, December 08, 2005

Howard Dean Vindicated

In response to the furor over Howard Dean's comment that "The idea that we're going to win this [Iraq] war is an idea that unfortunately is just plain wrong," John Judis has written an article showing how Dean's statements have actually been remarkably prescient. I'd like to further add that when I met Dean in a restaurant, he told me that "The food here is delicious," and lo and behold he was RIGHT!

On the Anniversary of John Lennon's Death...

... I'd like to point out that Lennon was, in Arli$$'s words, "a total prick."

Wednesday, December 07, 2005

Terri PAC

I can't believe I'm the first to find this gem. In other Schiavo related news, "At the same time, Schiavo is putting the finishing touches on a book, "Terri: The Truth," which is scheduled for release in March. His former in-laws, the Schindlers, have also announced plans to publish a book with their side of the story in March." Hat tip to Michael Schiavo

Separated at Birth's Revenge

Now that Rich has thrown his hat into the SaB ring, I must issue a response:

Actor Jeff Goldblum















and Reelblogs President and CEO Rob Spiro




















--------------------------
Hat tip to STM

Tuesday, December 06, 2005

For those who have never seen Dream On

Separated at Birth:

Scott Bakula



Brian Benben


Hat tip to Kingspawn for reviving separated at birth.

Monday, December 05, 2005

Sunday, December 04, 2005

Early Edition: Tomorrow's New York Times Headline

"Cure for Bird Flu is Bird Robitussin, Says Dr. Bird Mom"

A joke

A wealthy diner orders French Onion Soup at a fine restaurant. He notices that there is something in the bowl and calls over the waiter. "Waiter, what is this diarrhea doing in my soup?" he asks. "I believe it's doing the backstroke, Sir," replies the waiter.

Monday, November 28, 2005

Shopping

While shopping this weekend, Tom and I laid out the four pillars of the ideal wool coat: visible buttons, slash (diagonal) pockets, just below waist length, and single-breasted. We wound up with nothing that matched our criteria, but with these cornerstones in mind, I set out to try some new stores today. On my way to the subway, I noticed a Kenneth Cole store and decided to walk in.

I looked around for a coat I had seen online, but when I couldn't find it, I asked the closest salesperson for help. Luckily for me, that salesman happened to be Josh, a flamboyantly gay and unbelievably stylish recent Hobart College grad - he majored in French- clad in all black--

Me: Uh, so I saw this Kenneth Cole Reaction coat online, but I can't find it here in the store. Is there somewhere I didn't look?

Josh: How old are you, sweetie?

Me: 22.

Josh: Kenneth Cole Reaction- you see that's something you wear when you're in high school, maybe up to 19. 20 tops. You're a man now, start dressing that way. Our Kenneth Cole line is in more of the upmarket mileu you belong to now.

My inner monologue: [Yeah, you know he's right. I'm 22, I'm a man, I'm upmarket]

Me: OK, so Kenneth Cole it is. Now do you have anything in around waist length?

Josh: Oooh, waist length? That's not what you want. A 3/4 length is really more your thing. You're 22, you need a professional look. Something you can wear to an important job interview, but still throw on with jeans and Pumas.

My inner monologue: [Professional- yeah, that's right, none of this collegiate pea coat nonsense anymore. And a combo with jeans and pumas, that's a money idea. Note to self: buy Pumas]

Me: Alright, so we're looking at 3/4 length coats. Show me what you have. My only requirement is slash pockets.

Josh: Yeah... slash pockets? They're useful, I'll give you that. But vertical pockets with flaps are WAY more stylish. They give the coat a nice sense of structure. Try this one (hands me a coat which I put on; I look at myself in the mirror)

My inner monologue: [It DOES give a nice sense of structure! I'm so fortunate that I have Josh here to correct all my faux pas]

Me: Thanks for all your help, Josh. I just need to call my girlfriend to make sure it's kosher, then we can ring this baby up.

Josh: Girlfriend? Ehhhh... Maybe if you were 17, that would be OK. But now that you're 22, you really should be gay.

Sunday, November 27, 2005

At the Yale-Harvard Game...

...Tom finally met his biggest fans. Although Tom thinks he blew it because he was obviously more excited to meet them than they were to meet him.

Tuesday, November 22, 2005

The New Puppy

To you swinging single bloggers out there, I have the next big way to pick up chicks, even better than having a puppy... doing a sudoku on the subway.


Yesterday, I was minding my own business doing a sudoku on the train, when a beautiful girl sat down next to me and commented that a 4 went in the top left square. After I explained to her why a 4 didn't necessarily have to go in that square, but rather could possibly go in another square as well, we struck up a conversation and I got her number. No, I didn't get her number.

Monday, November 21, 2005

George Bush stole the Richard Berger face...


...from the Delino Intro Video. This is both an outrage and a wonderful moment. Maybe Delino will finally get the great public recognition that it deserves.

Wednesday, November 16, 2005

Press Release

"Not About Delino DeShields was the subject of much speculation when analysts at several firms were heard to be very positive about it's recent performance. It's share price rose from B$.81 to B$1.15. Much of the hype was said to originate from Rantzalot (Sir) whose Gag Master (artefact) was said to be involved.

Rantzalot (Sir) declined to comment on the recent speculation.

Rantzalot (Sir): http://blogshares.com/user.php?id=21655"

Tuesday, November 15, 2005

From BillOReilly.com

  • Back of Book Segment
    Brown U. sex party
    Guest: Factor producer Jesse Watters

    Factor producer Jesse Watters gained entry to a wild party at Brown University over the weekend, an event he depicted as a scene straight out of Caligula. "I got a ticket on the Internet and went in," Watters explained. "What I saw was pure debauchery. Girls were falling down drunk, and most were wearing just panties and bras. I went to the bathroom and heard guys having sex in the stall next to me. A record amount of people had to have emergency medical care."
    Factor host O'Reilly stridently criticized Brown adminstrators-- "My major concern here is... why wasn't I invited? These pinheads know that I, with my loofah scrub in hand, would have been a great addition to this party and would have, on a personal level, enjoyed it immensely. It's irresponsible, and the chancellor has to answer for it."

Monday, November 14, 2005

The More You Know

I just discovered what the seemingly unintelligible chanting at the beginning of "Circle of Life" means, and I wanted to share it with you, my loyal readers. Hat tip to Actual Rod (I know, Timon is an Administration shill):

[Male Singer:] Nants ingonyama bagithi baba [There comes a lion]
[Background Singer:] Sithi uhhmm ingonyama [Oh yes, it's a lion]
[MS:] Nants ingonyama bagithi baba [There comes a lion]
[BS:] Sithi uhhmm ingonyama [Oh yes, it's a lion]
Ingonyama
[MS:] Siyo Nqoba [We're going to conquer]
[BS:] Ingonyama
Ingonyama nengw' enamabaal [It's a lion and a tiger]
[repeats 5]
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Se-to-kwa!)
Ingonyama nengw' enamabala (Asana)

Sunday, November 13, 2005

The More You Know

Apparently Uncle Phil was also the voice of Shredder.

Wednesday, November 09, 2005

You ever heard of a little blog called Not About Delino DeShields?

That is what we should have said to Scott Dikkers, editor-in-chief of The Onion when we were standing behind him in line for the new Sarah Silverman movie, Jesus is Magic.

A friend of his actually addressed us, asking who we were. The proper response?

Rich: "I am Delino, and this is my brother Marquis."

The real response:

Rich: "Hi...uh...just friends...uh...maybe you'll meet us sometime...(trail off)"

On the way into the movie, however, Dan and I did mutter the following while walking behind Dikkers: "Congdon, Congdon, Congdon, Congdon, guac, lester, guac, Congdon." I think he got the message.

Also, despite the fact that he is editor-in-chief of The Onion, and Dan and I are unemployed, we still have more attractive girlfriends. Finally, I just wanted to mention that the movie was pretty funny (despite the fact that it was mostly just Silverman doing stand up) and it included one scene with the amazing Bob Odenkirk.

Tuesday, November 08, 2005

The More You Know

Actual Rod considers John Lithgow a "national treasure."

Vote Bernard Goetz for Public Advocate

Yes, that Bernard Goetz, affectionately known as Bernie. For a full recap of why he is famous, go here. Mr. Goetz has become a vegetarian and a great friend to the animals since his more violent days. He was even mentioned in Billy Joel's ode to popular culture, "We Didn't Start the Fire."

I do not know much about what the Public Advocate does, but Bernie Goetz knows how to get things done, especially when one of those things is vigilante justice.

Some choice excerpts from his website:

E-mail * BerniePie@aol.com * about your concerns.

12. Decriminalize pot: Marijuana should be taxed like cigarettes and regulated like alcohol. It should be legal to grow, sell, or use, at least on a trial basis. Other states should try it too.

Incredible squirrel pictures (here and here).

Also, don't forget to check out what his opponents think about squirrels.

(Editor's Note: This post has been toned down due to familial influences. It is not quite as cutting edge as it was when it was posted.)

Tuesday, November 01, 2005

3,000 Miles to Graceland

Since we were in Las Vegas, we decided to see why they call the place Sin City. When we showed up to the strip club, a few truckers and a fat Asian guy with a sleazy thin moustache were lavishing dollar bills on a busty blond dancer. The members of the Delino crew were unsure of ourselves, skeptical of whether such beautiful women would ever even talk to a bunch of short Jewish boys. But somehow, Tom mustered up the courage to ask one of the plainer-looking strippers for a lap dance and she agreed. Just before the lap dance started, President Bush nominated Judge Samuel Alito to the Supreme Court on a nearby TV. The subsequent lap dance went down like this:

Tom (screaming to be heard over the music): YOU HAVE VERY PRETTY EYES!
Stripper (rubbing her breasts in Tom's face): Judge Alito is out of the mainstream of American jurisprudence.
Tom: SO YOU GO TO SCHOOL AROUND HERE?
Stripper (wrapping her legs around Tom's neck): Anticipating an Alito nomination, I sifted through some of his old decisions, and his labor cases give me much concern.
Tom: COOL. (beat) HOW MUCH FOR TOUCH?
Stripper (breathing down Tom's shirt): It's sad that the president felt he had to pick a nominee likely to divide America instead of choosing a nominee in the mold of Sandra Day O'Connor who would unify us.
Tom: I HEARD RUMORS OF A PRIVATE ROOM- IS THAT SOMETHING?
Stripper (rubbing Tom's crotch): It's times like these I wish Munz were still blogging...
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------

While the strip club experience is amazing, it is important to remember just how lucky we are to live in an age in which strip clubs are relatively common. Imagine our ancestors in heaven watching us enviously:

Moishe Berger: Look at Dan, king of the world at his strip club! How times have changed. In my day I used to pay Yakov 2 shekels to nut into his potato sack! (Beat) What? It's only 2 shekels! What's the point of money if you don't get to nut in a potato sack?

Monday, October 31, 2005

WPT Disagrees with NBA: Reading is NOT Fun-damental

After sitting at a poker table for five hours with a ragtag group of jean shorts wearers and foreigners, I decided I would get a copy of Card Player, a poorly written poker magazine, to read in order to pass the time between hands. Once I started flipping through the magazine, I got the sense that my reading was bothering several people at the table. I figured it bothered them because they thought I would slow down the action by not paying close enough attention, so I was very careful about keeping on top of everything that happened while I was in a hand. Nothing happened for a few rounds, but finally, one gruff Midwesterner broke down and angrily said to me, "You go to MIT or something?" I calmly explained to him that I was merely reading a poker magazine.

I had no issues for a few hands, but soon enough, an Austrian guy to my left derisively asked me, "Vaht subject ah you studying for, professah?" which drew guffaws from the other players. I again explained to them that I was reading a poker magazine. I figured this had finally ended the matter. Nothing of note happened for many hands. Yet then I won a large pot against the Austrian guy. This set him off, and he berated me, yelling, "You must get high marks, smaht boy, vith all your book reading." It was only THEN that it finally dawned on me that what was really bothering the players was not that I was reading at the poker table, but rather that I WAS READING AT ALL. Moral of the story- never listen to Ariel or any of other Administration shills (hat tip to Actual Rod) when they tell you that poker is a good way to meet people.

NB: More to come today...

Thursday, October 27, 2005

blog ideas

-Congdon-related
-Shopgirl script
-Costco

Planning the trip to Vegas

Yes, we leave today. Here is our guide.

An excerpt:

Q: Where can I combine my two favorite activities -- gambling and eating?
Korean Surprise: A: any casino you idiot

Wednesday, October 26, 2005

My Life is a Haiku


Neighbor knocks on door:
"Can I borrow an onion?"
"Sorry man, fresh out."

-----

So fucking hungry.
"Turkey-avocado, please,
with extra Russian."

----

Need to take a dump.
Fuck, out of toilet paper.
I wish I were dead.

Tuesday, October 25, 2005

Job Applications

For whatever reason, I decided to apply for a job today. But Rich, why would you trade in your cushy lifestyle for the daily grind of working? Well, I'm still not sure how to answer that question.

Anyway, as a requirement of the application process I had to undergo a 180 part personality assessment. Each part consisted of two statements and five possible answers. I had to choose whether I strongly agreed with one of the statements, somewhat agreed with one of the statements, or felt neutrally about them. Remember, I could only choose one of these possibilities. For example, one statement would be, "I work better with others," while the other might be, "I work better individually." And so on and so forth. These statements could be rather frustrating at times and I got pretty tired of the whole thing pretty quickly.

However, one thing about the whole process did interest me. As the statements kept on coming, I realized that many of them were repeating the same ideas, just phrasing them differently. These bastards were trying to catch me in some inconsistent answers! Now I was constantly trying to remember what I had answered earlier, but it was no good, as the "I am organized" blended with the "I am light-hearted" and the "I am outgoing" mixed together with "I like to be alone with my thoughts." Next thing I knew I was a quivering mess writing a blog post and realizing why I am unemployed.

Our Rodney King

(Editor's Note: This post is from the Delino archives and has recently been re-approved for posting.)

The blogosphere was hit hard this week when one of our own was attacked by the New Haven police. New Haven's High Street was transformed into South Central circa 1991 as the Actual God took an undeserved trip downtown following an altercation with an angry cop outside the Oxford Apartments. Actual God, who lives at the Oxford (something the YDN article neglects to mention), was on his own steps, enlightening the crowds with his mere presence, when Officer Mark Francia saw fit to disturb the peace. Officer Francia has experience arresting innocent college kids for no reason, so I guess ultimately we should not be entirely shocked by his behavior. Nevertheless, his actions were outrageous and should not be tolerated.

Furthermore, I think that there is a subtext to this incident that has not been mentioned. I think that Francia knew about the Actual God's blog and was thus firing the first shot in the impending war between the bloggers and the New Haven police. Be wary Kingspawn, watch your back Nostradamus, and comment very carefully Anonymous Flamer. The coppers are looking for any excuse to bring you down.

Meanwhile, here at Delino, we will back our blogging brethren 100% and do our best to prevent a major blogging riot from breaking out in the coming weeks.

Saturday, October 22, 2005

Diesel DJ

While shopping at Diesel near Union Square last weekend (it wasn't for me), I noticed that the hip-hop music being played in the store was emanating from a portly African-American DJ. My curiosity was piqued, and I began to ponder how DJs transitioned from one song to another relatively seamlessly. So I watched the DJ as he played an R. Kelly song off a record, and then prepared to transition to a Jay-Z record.
Over the course of five minutes, he turned various knobs- each time I expected him to change songs and he didn't. And he adjusted several level controls- again, I thought he'd switch at that point, and yet he didn't. He was waiting for the perfect moment to transition songs so that the bass lines and beats would line up flawlessly and no one would notice the switch. After all that preparation, finally, here was the transition he made. Suffice it to say, I'm throwing out the turntables Rich bought me for Hanukkah- DJing is dead to me.

Friday, October 21, 2005

Max and the Wiz

To take refuge from a rainy Friday last week, the Delino family huddled next to the radio in our living room with some hot cocoa and marshmallows. Rich wanted to listen to the Yale-Cornell Cross Country meet, but we convinced him that we should instead listen to some commentary about the great issues of the day. And so we turned our dial to 1340 WYBC AM, and found Max and the Wiz (Fridays, 5 PM).

Max and the Wiz began with an slick anchor voice intoning, "Max and the Wiz- the show where we give you OUR take on today's hottest issues." But almost immediately, this suave disembodied voice was replaced by two lisping dorks, Max, and of course the Wiz. Check out one of their Crossfire-style exchanges--

Max: Ssso, what'sss newsss today. Let'sss sssee. Oh, a new law on the booksss requiresss PORN actorsss to regissster to make sssure they aren't children. The Wiz, your take on thisss isssue?

The Wiz: Huh. Umm. (5 second pause) Yeah, I guesss. Well. It'sss a ssslippery ssslope, ssso you have to, uh, be careful.

Max: Yeah. Uhh. (5 second pause) That'sss a good analysssisss. Although I think... (5 second pause) Never mind. Umm, yeah. Moving on....
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Look out Hannity and Colmes!!!!

"The Dominican Republic??"

Interested in working on development in

The Dominican Republic??


I saw this flyer today, but at first I couldn't see the text at the top.

"Fucking A man, right on, what is the deal there anyway"

Tuesday, October 18, 2005

Shaggy Sneak Preview

The bad boys of blogging were at it again tonight, this time on the set of reggae phenomenon Shaggy's new music video. As you can see from this picture, despite the fact that everyone was there just for him, he had a bevy of ebony bombshells surrounding him, and all he had to do was lip-synch to a song for 30 seconds and move around in a cool looking way, Shaggy felt VERY put-upon.


He pouted a lot and whined in his Jamaican accent to Production Assistants. Not only was Shaggy not into his own video, he was not into his own music. But he managed to hide it during takes, as you can see from this bootleg video Rich took. And now, without further ado, Rich and I present to you a preview of the new Shaggy video...

If you can't spot the secret agent, you are the secret agent



Plot Outline: James Bond must thwart a dangerous Russian spy from winning a No-Limit Texas Holdem game of Poker worth millions.

Monday, October 17, 2005

Dan and Rich pose as Paparazzi

After he noticed that there was going to be a movie premiere down the block, Dan immediately forgot his tendency to insult and belittle famous people and told me to get on the scene...and to bring my camera. The premiere in question was for the movie Shopgirl. After about 15 minutes of small-time celebrities, non-celebrities, and fashion designers (Zac Posen) showing up, this man arrived.


They called him Radio, and he appeared to know everyone on the scene, despite the fact that he looked like a homeless man (to his credit, he later shook hands with both Regis Philbin and Steve Martin). Finally, two of the stars, Jason Schwartzman and Claire Danes arrived at the premiere. They posed for this picture for me.

Regis Philbin arrived at approximately the same time, as you can see in this video. Steve Martin was next, and Dan yelled out, "I loved you as Navin Johnson!"

Next thing we knew the media whirlwind was over for us. I was able to capture one more video of Martin and Danes chatting with the press, but alas, our time with the stars was too short. Luckily they are filming a scene for The Devil Wears Prada across the street from our apartment, so maybe Dan can keep getting his celebrity fix there.

Yes, the boys are going to Vegas

For Alex's upcoming 21st birthday, the bloggers are taking a vacation. Alex has insisted that we see this show (notice the Nudity Factor) and this show (notice the age restrictions)...and that he gets a turn in the Dunk Tank (look at the bottom of the page).

Napoleon Dynamite

What is this movie? Dan and I just saw it and are still unsure of what to think. Except we do know one thing...we did not like it. There was no plot, the movie tried to be random for the sake of being random and still managed to be predictable in many parts. I think I probably would have liked it more if it had actually been funny. The jokes were extremely trite when they were evident at all. One of the few scenes I did enjoy was the milk tasting competition. And Pedro was an ok character.

This is a well-written review of the movie. Even Roger Ebert didn't like it...and he likes everything these days.

Thursday, October 13, 2005

Full House Fakes Me Out Again

So I'm watching Full House at 5:30 in the morning, as I am wont to do. Danny has finally hit the big time as a sportscaster, going on his first national broadcast. But right before he leaves for the arena, DJ and Stephanie present him with gifts! First, he opens DJ's gift. Oh, great, a nice tie! Danny says he'll wear it tonight on the broadcast. Now, Stephanie's gift. It's.. some.. hideous, tye-dye, disk-like object. Danny doesn't know what to say and stands there looking it at it for a moment. Luckily DJ pipes up: "Hey Dad, what a nice tie tack!"

OK, so here we have a perfect sitcom predicament, right? There is no way Danny can wear this thing on national TV. It looks completely ridiculous. But does he really want to hurt his 7-year old daughter's feelings?

But then he just wears the fucking thing on the air and the plot goes in a completely different direction. No conflict there at all. Full House fakes me out again.

P.S. This is DJ's (well done, Rich) brother-in-law:



Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Leader of the Pack

When I am in a crosswalk situation with a lot of people around, for some reason I always want to be leader of the pack. I make it a point to watch the lights/cars and start crossing the street the very second that it is safe to cross. I want everyone to be thinking, "Whoa, hold on a second there buddy, it's not safe to cross ye-- Oh. Well, I stand corrected." In the back of my mind, when I execute a great cross (way before the light comes on and shit), I am surely thinking "This is going to get me so much fucking pussy."

Anyone else?

P.S. A related syndrome, if I'm walking on a narrowish sidewalk, and there is someone walking in front of me, I will sometimes start walking really fast and make a semi-show out of going around them like they were really holding me up by walking so slow, when in fact the pace was quite comfortable.

Tuesday, October 11, 2005

The Juice is Loose

Nostra mentioned O.J. Simpson's resurfacing the other day. I was upset to have missed his grand return at the NecroComicCon in L.A., though you can relive the whole thing by listening to O.J.'s greeting and checking out this glamour shot from the Con:

Monday, October 10, 2005

In a similar vein

How to be Alex Trebek:

1. Say, "Correct response, you have control of the board." (over and over again)

2. When someone is no longer in the negatives say, "Good job [insert name], you're out of the hole."

3. Laugh at how defending champion has large collection of German board games and say, "Ich bin ein boardgamer."

4. Pretend to be smarter than every contestant.

How to be a Baseball Play-by-Play Guy

1. If there are not 2 outs with a full count with runners on base, say whatever the fuck you want, who really cares.

2. If there are 2 outs with a full count, with runners on base, make sure you say "The runners will be going on the pitch"

My Super Sweet 16

Has anyone ever caught this show? This is fucking amazing! The moral of every episode is that as long as you act like a spoiled little cunt, everything will turn out perfectly.

Acutal quote: After her limo broke down, Amanda lamented, "This is bullshit! I have to show up to my party in an Acura?!"

___

Late edit: another episode came on with triplet spoiled bitches! And all each one of them does the whole time is try to look the prettiest! This is actually amazing. Check out this exchange:

Triplet #1: Don't wear those earrings, they're too big. You don't want to look like an idiot.
Triplet #2: Listen, I know your hair didn't really turn out the way you wanted it to, and your makeup is a little too heavy, but you just need to calm down.
(beat)
Triplet #1: You're an evil whore.

___

This show is like heroin. Next episode. The girl and her friends are making a list of people who aren't invited to her party. This list is aptly entitled "The Losers." What are they going to do with this list? God, this is like an awesome mind puzzle!

A New Singing Sensation

Meet the amazing Wing. This vocalist, with unsurpassed range, should be at the top of everyone's playlist. She is a delicate little flower that is just waiting to fully bloom. You Delino readers can help her accomplish this. For more information, visit her website and watch her performance in episode 903 of South Park.

Saturday, October 08, 2005

My Mother the Media Titan

A few days ago there was an article in the travel section of the New York Times about Napa Valley wines. My mother, her mind sharpened by years as a law professor, wrote this insightful letter to the editor (scroll down a little) in response:

NAPA TASTINGS

To the Editor: I was disturbed to read that Christopher Solomon, who had received $250 a day to spend in the Napa Valley, brags that he tasted at least 28 wines in 24 hours, although he drove from winery to winery. It seems that this would cause his blood alcohol level to be above the legal limit. But he appears totally oblivious to this problem.

I would think that The New York Times and its reporters would be more aware of and sensitive to the problems of drinking and driving.

Miriam J. Haines
New York, N.Y.

You can imagine what it was like watching Sideways with my Mom--

Maya: Why are you so in to Pinot?
Miles Raymond: [laughs softly]
Maya: I mean, it's like a thing with you.
Miles Raymond: [continues laughing softly]
Miles Raymond: Uh, I don't know, I don't know. Um, it's a hard grape to grow, as you know. Right? It's uh, it's thin-skinned, temperamental, ripens early. It's, you know, it's not a survivor like Cabernet, which can just grow anywhere and uh, thrive even when it's neglected. No, Pinot needs constant care and attention. You know? And in fact it can only grow in these really specific, little, tucked away corners of the world. And, and only the most patient and nurturing of growers can do it, really. Only somebody who really takes the time to understand Pinot's potential can then coax it into its fullest expression. Then, I mean, oh its flavors, they're just the most haunting and brilliant and thrilling and subtle and--
My Mom: YOU BRUTE! STOP DRINKING AND DRIVING! Boys, we're leaving!
Rich: But Mo-THER...
My Mom: Fine, you can stay Richard. Daniel, let's go!

----------------------------------------------------------------------------
For those of you interested in further reading of my mother's Letters to the Editor of the NYTimes Travel section, check out this gem from The Archives.

Wednesday, October 05, 2005

You've seen that Tiger Woods commercial, right?

Well, we over at Delino have come up with an answer to that seemingly impressive feat of bouncing a golf ball a few times off a sand wedge and then walloping that ball nearly 200 yards. This video features our very own Head Blogger, Dan, showcasing his soccer skills on the Sheep Meadow in Central Park. Without further ado, I give to you:

The Dan Berger Instructional Video

Saturday, October 01, 2005

Reader Poll

In reading Sports Illustrated this week, I came upon an inspirational story about a football player with a physical handicap. Here is a picture:

















now the question is "Junk OR No Junk?"
You decide...

Stereotypes

Amazing line I just caught on Saved by the Bell.

Slater and the other football players are worried about a test. I won't get into the plot details, but at first it looked like there would be no test, but then it turned out that there would be. Football player says: "If we have to take that test, we'll flink!!"

Presumably he was so (read: soooooo) dumb, he didn't even know the word "flunk"! Get it? Sick!

----

Also, I have it on good authority that Rich's last post about Shout About Movies is an urban legend, much like the female orgasm.

Friday, September 30, 2005

Apparently...

...if you score enough points (my guess is over 150, although I scored 178) in Shout About Movies, the game will say this about your final score: "Red Team: Lots and lots and lots and lots of points." And instead of a number, the score just says "Lots."

Friday, September 23, 2005

Biking in a Blogger's Paradise

(Editor's Note: This video was too good not to be cross-posted.)

Also known as the Villa Borghese, this fine park in Rome has everything a blogger could ever need: Wireless internet, masseuses while you type, and even outdoor squash courts. Bloggers love squash. Watch this video and learn all about it:

The bloggers at their leisure


Alright, you got me, there are no squash courts. But there are fantastic bicycles and fun times to be had by all, especially bloggers.

TV-MA

I was channel-surfing (is that word still in vogue?) tonight and I happened to catch an intriguing scene on the Howard Stern show. It was, simply put, a porn star, on all fours, in the nude, with a 15-inch strap-on dildo hanging from her forehead. Her apparent duty was to use the marital aid as a makeshift putter in some kind of perverse variant of miniature golf against 3 other adult film actresses. Oh yeah, one more thing. The girl's face was covered in makeup - clown makeup. She, apparently, represented some kind of clown pornography website.

But this isn't even what intrigued me. Before she was about to swing, they asked her if she was feeling confident. She said something like "Well I've spent a lot of time watching The Price Is Right, and Bob Barker seemed to be pretty good at this, so.."

Shit, that was hot. What a subtle fucking reference. (She was referring to, of course, the pricing game known as "The Golf Game" on The Price is Right, the introduction to which was Bob Barker attempting a putt.) Of course, none of the Stern people knew what the fuck she was talking about.

Anyway, this probably won't come up, but if you ever see me with a huge boner at the circus, you'll know why.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Powder Lineup

OK, here's a fun game for our ever-increasing readership. You know the movie Powder, right? "A young bald albino boy with unique powers shakes up the rural community he lives in." Ring a bell? Well, anyway, the challenge is simple--pick out the actor who played Jeremy 'Powder' Reed. I'll even give you a still from the movie to jog your memory:


Please submit your answer (1, 2, 3, 4, or 5) in the comments section, reading left to right, then top to bottom. (The upper-right corner is 3, the lower-left corner is 4, etc.) And no cheating, actual rod!





Friday, September 16, 2005

"Full House" or "Dilbert"?

Below are two plot summaries, one from the TV show Full House and the other from the TV show Dilbert. The character names have been removed to disguise the identity of the show. Are you up to the challenge?

1. The new school year is starting, and _______, who is entering 2nd grade, expects a bad day at school, but instead, it turns out to be a good day for _______. The same can't be said for 12-year-old _______, who is entering 7th grade, a step closer to becoming a teenager. On her first day in junior high, _______ is humiliated by _______ and _______, a couple of bullies. On the next morning, _______ decides to put on make-up, because she believes the only way to fit in among the 7th graders is to do what _______ and virtually all of the other 7th grade girls are doing -- look twice as old as she really is by putting on makeup. _______ thinks _______ is overdoing it, so he lets _______ help _______ with the makeup. Meanwhile, _______ tries to teach _______ how to play golf so they can impress a client who likes to play golf.

2. When _______ sips from the cup of management, he loses "the knack" that makes him a great engineer. In denial of his situation, he engineers a satellite project that goes wrong and takes out all communications and power, sending the world back into the dark ages.

Answer bank: Full House, Dilbert

Thursday, September 15, 2005

I always get choked up..

..watching the end of the movie Tin Cup.

Anyone else?

P.S. Kevin Costner is a man's man.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Holed up in my apartment

I was watching TV today and a promo for A Current Affair came on. Apparently they were doing a story about (one of?) Jose Canseco's marriage(s). The tagline was "WE'LL SHOW YOU HOW JOSE CANSECO'S WIFE... (dramatic pause)... BECAME JOSE CANSECO'S EX-WIFE".

"Fuck, I bet it's 'divorce,' but I guess I'll have to wait for the show."

Racism in the Pro Shop

I should have known something like this would happen on September 11th, but I never would have expected it to happen to my very own friend, Sagar Gajendragadkar.

At about 11:45 AM, our foursome walked up to the window at Bethpage Golf Course to pay for our 12:30 PM tee time. When Sagar, who had reserved the time, handed the woman (white, mid-40s) his driver license, the following exchange ensued:

Woman (examining license): Wow, your name really is a mouthful!
Sagar (uncomfortably): Um, yeah...I get that a lot...
(Pause)
Woman: Yeah, you know I really feel sorry for your kids. It's too bad they have to have your name.
(Long awkward silence)
Woman (finally feeling a little sheepish): Well, you don't have kids though, right? Enjoy your round boys!

Addendum:

When we reached the first tee, the starter asked us for four names:

Starter: Ok, so that's Rich, Dan, Jason, and Sagar. Hmm, Sagar...is that Irish?

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Mr. Dan Goes to Washington

As a way to get my parents off my back about getting a real job, I recently began working on Leslie Crocker Snyder’s campaign for District Attorney. Her opponent, the heavily favored incumbent, is Robert Morgenthau. As luck would have it, his son was Tom’s freshman year roommate.

One of the complaints about Morgenthau is that he is too old to keep up with the changing needs of a 21st century New York City. My candidate, on the other hand, showed a keen grasp of the important issues at her press conference last week:

Reporter 1: Attorney General Eliot Spitzer has been aggressively prosecuting white collar crime in New York. Do you think he has been overzealous? How proactive would you be as District Attorney on the issue of corporate malfeasance?

Snyder: Good question. You see white collar criminals are a lot like vending machines. There's all this talk among the Administration of replacing Coke and Sprite with water and juice. But have they once asked the STUDENTS what we thought? NO! In fact [brings out Venn diagram], 75 percent of students would like Red Bull or Rockstar in the machines, which actually have more sugar than Coke or Sprite. So to answer your question, yes, the Administration most definitely has a tin ear when it comes to students’ beverage-related concerns.

[Reporters chatter and scribble furiously]

Reporter 2: There has been a lot of talk in this race about reforming the Rockefeller Drug Laws. Is there a fear that if you eliminated harsh penalties the city might face a drug crisis that would rival the crack epidemic of the 1980s?

Snyder: Another interesting question. Again, this is an area in which the Administration is completely out of touch. Now as much as we all enjoyed the glass harmonica player last semester [reporters chuckle, Snyder waves them off], I’m sure in a city as culturally rich as New York, we can find more interesting assembly speakers. Here’s a headline for you: A vote for Snyder is a vote against Morgenthau snoozefests!

Reporter 3: You have been criticizing Mr. Morgenthau for the lack of diversity in his office. What steps would you take to ensure that the District Attorney’s office reflects the diversity of this great city?

[Beat]
[Snyder rubs her forehead in frustration]

Snyder: Okay. I thought I had made my position on this topic abundantly clear—what newspaper do you work for? Look—I addressed the issue of vending machines a moment ago, but if you insist on harping on it, this interview is over!

[Snyder stands up to leave]
[She is blinded by the reporters’ flashbulbs]

Following Snyder’s bravura performance, Morgenthau felt that he needed to hold a press conference of his own. Fearing that the press would go easy on the old man, Snyder planted me in the audience disguised as a reporter to ask a few particularly hard-hitting questions. Here’s how it went down:

[Morgenthau walks down the steps of the New York county courthouse]
[He is instantly mobbed by a throng of reporters]

Reporters: MR. MORGENTHAU! MR. MORGENTHAU!

Morgenthau: You! In the NotAboutDelinoDeshields fedora!

Me: Mr. Morgenthau! Mr. Morgenthau! Why isn’t your son better friends with Tom Lehman?! Tom says they’ve really lost touch since freshman yea—

[Morgenthau appears noticeably surprised and shaken]

Morgenthau: This interview is over! NO FURTHER QUESTIONS!

[Morgenthau is blinded by reporters’ flashbulbs]

Friday, September 02, 2005

A Temporary Restraining Order...

...against the most recent post on Delino. It will be back soon hopefully.

Wednesday, August 24, 2005

The Blogger and the Blogger's Brother

(Editor's Note: Last cross-post for awhile.)

Once upon a time there was a boy named Dan. On Dan’s 7th birthday, his parents bought him a blogging machine and a blog named after his favorite baseball player at the time, Delino DeShields. Young Dan was a precocious blogger and he entered many contests in order to show off his great skill with the machine. He even won first prize in the prestigious New York City Open Blogging event, winning a more powerful machine for his darkly brilliant post about his difficult upbringing on the Upper East Side.

But then, on the night of his 8th birthday, Dan started to hear sounds from the room next door. The sounds were strange and disturbing, but they were also funny. In fact, he believed that they were sounds of laughter. His posts began to change in nature, becoming more humorous with each passing night. His parents became increasingly proud of what their young son was accomplishing, turning out some of the funniest posts in the blogosphere.

One evening, however, after three years of increasingly hilarious blogging, Dan just could not take it anymore. His writing may have been improving, but at what cost? Who was making those noises next door? He had to know, so he broke down the door. Once inside the room, he discovered his parents sitting there with a whoopee cushion, a Condi Rice mask, and the laugh track from season 4 of Friends. Dan shared a long laugh with his parents as they told him how he had passed their tests and had become the great comedy writer that they had envisioned from the moment he was born. Dan was extremely happy to have both secured the affection of his parents and solved the mystery that had been nagging him for so long. That evening he slept through the night for the first time since he was 7.

A year later, after Delino swept the bloggies, Dan started to hear the sounds of laughter again from the room next door. At first, he dismissed it as something in his head. He had already passed the tests; his parents could not be in the other room any more. But the sounds would not go away and Dan realized that he would have to face the inside of the other room again.

When Dan broke down the door, he could not believe his eyes. What he saw there would change him forever. His long-forgotten older brother, Rich, was passed out on top of a laptop computer. Dan tried to revive him, but it was too late. Rich had died from the torture of too much laughter inflicted by his parents. However, Dan did take a look at the computer screen and started laughing, harder than he had ever laughed in his life. Finally, Dan shed a tear, because what he saw on that screen was Rich’s first and only post at Not About Marquis Grissom, and it was better than anything that he had ever done or will ever do in his life.

Tuesday, August 23, 2005

Berger Boys make it big

(Editor's note: I am cross-posting this because I am a publicity whore.)

Pops is back in the papers with this juicy photo, while I am featured in Card Player magazine this week (the one with Jennifer Tilly on the cover, August 17 issue...if anyone could get me a couple of copies of this, it would be greatly appreciated). I am referenced in an article about "Poker Ace" Allen Cunningham, in which the author, Ron Rose, devotes three paragraphs to describing Allen's "most memorable" tournament, a trip to the Trumbull Buttery at Yale! Here are some excerpts from the article (which itself is an excerpt from the book Poker Aces, which I now own):

"Allen was impressed at how enthusiastic the students were, and he was glad to be able to teach them a little something about the game. 'We went into some underground chamber where the game was held,' [Allen] remembers. 'Daniel [Negreanu], as I had expected, played like a lunatic, and I tried to play well enough just to keep us even.'

"'After some time, the game was down to me and a very young [and very attractive] looking freshman named Berger,' Allen recalls. 'A more intense crowd gathered than in many big tournament finals I had been at. I had to decide whether to crush the freshman to show my might or to throw the game and make the kid's day.' Allen didn't end up throwing it, he says, but he took it easy on the student, who finally won. 'He was a hero,' says Allen, 'and I felt good.'

Sunday, August 21, 2005

Hollywood Squares Hijinx

Watching a rerun. This question was posed to Cedric the Entertainer:

"So, you're shopping for watermelon. Would you get more flavor from a lighter or heavier watermelon?"

Breakfast in a Post-9/11 World

Caught this sign at a Denny's this morning in Fort Lauderdale, FL:

Sunday, August 14, 2005

On the Campaign Trail

As a way to get my parents off my back about getting a real job, I recently began working on a local political campaign for a candidate running for District Attorney.

The first day, I met all the people there, who were mostly college-age kids or recent graduates. There was also a seasoned political veteran named Chuck and a mild-mannered, extremely nice Hispanic Outreach Coordinator named Carlos.

The second Monday I was there, I sat in on my first staff meeting--
Chuck: OK, does anyone have any further comments or concerns?

Charlotte (ridiculously WASPy PR girl): Carlos, could we put your Hispanic Outreach events on the calendar, just so everyone knows when they are?

Carlos: Yeah, maybe we could do that... IF ANYBODY CAME TO MY FUCKING EVENTS! I was out there alone in the 100 degree heat this weekend! What's the matter, you afraid of Spanish Harlem, of working-class Latinos? You don't care about their concerns? You think you have something better to do with your rich white friends?

Me (in my head): Wow Carlos, do you have ESP or something?

Charlotte (out loud): No, that's not it at all. We just were unclear on the time and place.

After a few days of licking envelopes, making ice, and cold-calling senior citizens, Chuck happened upon my resume and noticed that I had been the chief of staff on my own campaign for Vice President back in high school. Immediately, he catapulted me into the role of speechwriter. The candidate was preparing for a tough Question and Answer session at NYU, so I used all of my experience and political skill to write some responses she could give to possible questions-- here are a few of them:

Question: Attorney General Eliot Spitzer has been aggressively prosecuting white collar crime in New York. Do you think he has been overzealous? How proactive would you be as District Attorney on the issue of corporate malfeasance?

Answer: Good question. Now in order to answer it, I will use an allegory. You see white collar crime is a lot like the issue of vending machines. There's all this talk among the ever-health conscious Administration of replacing the Coke and Sprite buttons with water and juice. But have they once asked the STUDENTS what we thought? An informal survey of the four guys at my lunch table revealed that 75 percent of students would like Red Bull or Rockstar in the machines, which are in fact more sugary than Coke or Sprite. So to answer your question, yes, the Administration most definitely has a tin ear when it comes to student concerns.

Question: There has been a lot of talk in this race about reforming the Rockefeller Drug Laws. Is there a fear that if you got rid of those harsh penalites, the city might face a drug crisis that would rival the crack epidemic of the 1980s?

Answer: Another interesting question. I feel I can best answer this question with a metaphor. You see the Rockefeller Drug Laws

vending machines again- no intro - "OK, i was trying to get off the topic of vending machines, but if you instist on harping on it..."
No further questions.
NO FURTHER QUESTIONS

Saturday, August 13, 2005

A Sad Day



It's a sad day when you have to choose between Microsoft Word and "My girlfriend Elisse strips and masturbates for me - amateur webcam video - Fucking HOT tits ass panties.mpg"

Tuesday, August 09, 2005

A Taboo Home Game: The Cable Guy Revisited

After a wholesome day at the Bronx Zoo and in the movies at March of the Penguins with Jenevieve, I arrived home unsure of what to do for a nightcap. Jen wanted to play a game, so I suggested Taboo, and I was able to convince my parents to get involved. It was young vs. old, and while they may have had more life experience together, we had more Taboo experience between us. Things were moving a little slowly in the scoring department, but were starting to pick up when I reached the following word that I had to get Jen to guess: Flaccid.

Following a brief chuckle to myself, I faced a dilemma. How could I possibly get Jen to guess this word without resorting to vulgar speech? And how could I possibly resort to such vulgarity on a "family game night" of sorts? Well, not surprisingly, my competitive streak took over and I said, "When a penis is in resting position, not erect, it is..." Everyone erupted in laughter, especially my father (yes, the Park Avenue lawyer...don't tell The New York Law Journal), but then an even funnier thing happened, Jen didn't get the answer. I guess my parents know a little more than they let on, and maybe I need to teach Jen a few more dirty words for the next time, when we play Porno Password.

Friday, August 05, 2005

Friars Club Roast

I have another REAL story to share with you (check the post before this as well), my patient and loyal readers...

Since my father knows that I am interested in comedy writing, and he knows people who know people, he set up a meeting for me with a comedy writer/producer named Alan Zweibel at The Friars Club. The Friars Club, as you may know, is famous for its Roasts of notable celebrities, in which the celeb being roasted is subjected to a flurry of vulgar insults.

I nervously entered the Friars Club, walking past the Sinatra Room and the Billy Crystal Room until I found the large ballroom where Mr. Zweibel told me to meet him. When I opened the door, I realized that this "meeting" was actually a book signing for Zweibel's new novel. As such, many Friars and their wives were there--
It is difficult to describe just how old and just how Jewish the assemblage in that room was. I was easily the only person under 65. These people's ears were bigger than my face. Women were actually saying "Oy Vey" unironically.

Though the women were priceless in their own way, the real stars of this affair were the men, all of whom were washed-up Borscht-Belt insult comics who probably hadn't performed professionally in 20 years, but who still lived to work a room. One of these elder statesmen, a fellow by the name of Freddie Roman, got up on stage to give a sort of mini-roast to Alan Zweibel. Here is a condensed version of his speech and the proceedings--

Roman (old Jewish voice): When I met Alan, he was workin' at a deli over on 57th Street. He told me he wanted to write comedy, and I told him "I want a fuckin' corned beef on rye, ya cocksucker." But soon enough, this shmuck began writing jokes for me. I told him to write me some sperm bank gags, so he came up with "A sperm bank's the only bank where you actually LOSE interest after you make your deposit." It was then that I knew this pimply-faced little motherfucker had some talent... Now before the guest of honor gets up here and tries to make us buy his piece of shit book, I wanna thank a few people. My writing partner, Ross Steinberg. (Ross waves) Ross, what're you so happy about, I fucked your wife. And my agent Larry Rosenstein. Hey Larry, this is the first gig you've gotten me in ten years, and it doesn't even pay. And-- wait a second, is that, is that Milt Freedman? Holy shit it's Milt Freedman!

[the assembled crowd parts to both sides, leaving Milt Freedman standing alone in the center]
[Milt Freedman looks about 90 years old, and resembles George Burns. He has about three strands of white hair left, and his ears and nose look straight out of a caricature. He is from a generation even before most of these 70 year old guys]
[Milt struggles to say something, but kind of just lets out a sound]
Members of the crowd: Hey, it's Milt! Milt, you made it! Milt-y boy!...

Zweibel: I would first like to thank my comedic mentor, the late Fred Weiner.
Members of the crowd: Uch, Fred Weiner, he was one of the greats! A good man! And a good comedian!
Zweibel: I will now read from Chapter 2, which draws heavily on my early days in Bensonhurst, Brooklyn.
[Zweibel reads a passage which pokes fun at Hassidic Jews in Bensonhurst]
Zweibel: Well, that does it for the reading. I will now be signing books over in the corner there. Thank you all for coming out this evening, it means a lot to me.
[The crowd is about to disperse and go back to their various conversations -- when all of a sudden, Milt Freedman makes a noise. The entire crowd hushes and looks at Milt]
Milt Freedman (mustering every last ounce of energy in his body): This just in-- de Bensonhurst Jews are suing Zweibel fuh slander.
[The crowd, myself included, erupts in laughter]


The experience made me want to become a member of the Friars. I've decided that the best way to become a Friar is to act like a Friar. So this is how I IMAGINE the conversation with my parents will go when I ask them to pay for the membership fee--

Mom: Well, Daniel, now that you've graduated from college, your father and I expect you to contribute toward these kinds of expenses. We feel it would be fair for you to pay 10 percent of the membership fee.
Me: How 'bout I contribute my fist in your face, ya cocksucker.
[unsure of what to do, Dad first tries to console Mom, but then decides to give me a high-five]
Me (leaving Dad's high-five hand hanging): How come you're hi-fivin' me? Is it 'cause I porked your mom last night, ya cocksucker?

[Enter Milt Freedman]
Milt: Listen to me, ya cocksucker. That's my line. 50 years ago, I invented the "cocksucker" gag. Back then, no one was doin' it. Now even a two-bit hack like you has "cocksucker" material.
[My parents and I settle our squabbles and we all sit at the dining room table as Milt regales us with war stories from his comedic past]
Milt: De Simpsons- I used to write for them. But we had a falling out.
Mom: What happened?
Milt: Well, I'm sure you remembah the Who Shot Mister Burns two part episode. At the end of the first episode, Dr. Hibbert says, "I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can you?" and he points into the camera at the audience.
Me: And then Chief Wiggum says, "Yeah, I'll give it a shot, I mean, you know, it's my job, right?"
Milt: Well I envisioned a different direction for the gag ta go in. In my version, Hibbert says, "I couldn't possibly solve this mystery. Can you?... Ya cocksucker!" Think about it. Simpsons-- watched all ovah the world. We've got a 9-year-old Paki and a 70 year-old Chink gettin' called a 'cocksucker' by Hibbert.

Cable Guy 2

The following story is REAL, and no names have been changed, except Rich, who I will refer to as "Richard," in order to protect his identity.

Richard and I went to a Yankee game a few days ago, but as punishment for lapping too mightily at the parental trough, we had to sit in the Loge. We had an extra ticket to get rid of, so Richard, reverting to assistant mode, used his best inside voice to find someone willing to purchase the ticket. Eventually, an ordinary looking white guy in his late 20s wearing glasses, a skateboarding t-shirt, cargo shorts and sandals approached Richard. After a little haggling, the deal was completed.


The guy warned us to "Get ready to drink your asses off!"
and sure enough, when he got to his seat (which was right next to mine), he was noticeably drunk. He introduced himself as Scott from Vancouver, and asked me what my name was. I told him, and it seemed that we would settle into the normal patter reserved for acquaintances you meet on airplanes, etc.

But Scott soon turned the conversation in a different direction. Here it is, word for word:
Scott: What's the post-game plan, eh? What do New Yorkers do on a Thursday night?
Me: I dunno, maybe go to a bar.
Scott: I tell you what, how about the two of us, we go to a club downtown and we score some pussy, get laid.
Me: Heh. Yeah, easier said than done.
Scott: You're talking to the pussy king, eh. In Montreal, which is like the pussy capital of the world, it's great because girls want YOU to come over to their place. But here, I make up excuses like 'my roommate locked me out.' Works like a charm. I'm rakin' in pussy hand over fist over here in the States.
Me: Good for you.
Scott: I'm tellin' you, I'm gonna be your Canadian wingman tonight, and I don't care if it's fat, or it's black, or whatever- we are gonna get SO MUCH FUCKING PUSSY!

Keep in mind that Scott was a mild-mannered, kind of geeky-looking guy. At this point, Scott had to run and get another beer. I was a little creeped out and not looking forward to his return, but fortunately when he came back from getting beer, his mind had gone off on a tangent.

He started yelling "LET'S GO RED SOX!" at Yankees fans at the top of his lungs (the Yankees weren't even playing the Red Sox), earning him the hatred of every person in our section. And then of course he turned to me to start talking again, making me Public Enemy Number Two by association. This time, Scott started suggesting that I take a trip with him to Atlantic City, or maybe to Las Vegas, or maybe to Ottawa, which he assured me was "very chill." My lukewarm reaction to his plans caused him to try his luck with two Jersey Goombas sitting behind him. Needless to say, they did not think a trip to Ottawa with Scott would be "very chill." So Scott quieted down for about an inning, and was so calm that he seemed to barely notice when the Seventh Inning Stretch began--

PA Announcer: We here at Yankee Stadium would now like to take a moment of silence to honor the men and women who have sacrificed their lives in military service abroad to protect our freedom and liberty.
(beat -- the entire stadium falls silent as all fans bow their heads)
(beat)
(beat)
(beat)
Scott (whispering in my ear): So much fucking pussy!

Thursday, August 04, 2005

No F-words Allowed

Saw this tonight watching The Big Lebowski on Comedy Central:

"It's a swiss tickin' watch."

Monday, August 01, 2005

Chess Babe of the Month: Almira Skripchenko

Almira Skripchenko - Miss August 2005

Nationality: France
Birthday: February 17, 1976
ELO: 2474
Title: IM, WGM

This French chess player has achieved the FIDE International Women's Grandmaster title. She won the second European Open Women's Chess Championship in 2001.

In 2004 she won the North Urals Cup, the second international super-tournament for female chess players. Held in Krasnoturinsk, the 9-round single round robin tournament featured ten of the strongest female players in the world. Skripchenko finished a half point ahead of Maia Chiburdanidze, the former Women's World Champion, and also defeated her in their individual encounter.

She has served as treasurer for the Association of Professional Chess Players (APCP).




(The closest you'll ever get to a nipple slip in Chess)





(Smuggling Tic-Tac's across the Iron Curtain ?)








Irina Krush, Accoona American Champion, and Almira Skripchenko, Accoona French Champion, will compete at the Russian Samovar, 256 W 52nd Street, NYC, (212) 757-0168 on Thursday, September 16, 2004. 1:00 PM Interviews and pictures, drinks and hors d’oeuvres!! 2:00 PM Matches Begin. To R.S.V.P please contact Paulina (212) 842-4999, or Paulina@accoona.com.

Almira Skripchenko was crowned European Women’s Champion in 2001 and active Top-Rated French Woman in Chess for 2004. Irina Krush, in 1998 was the youngest woman to win the American Championship and is currently the active Top-Rated Woman Player in the USA.

ELO tracker
Games played with White
Games played with Black

Friday, July 22, 2005

Fun With Movie Pictionary

Chick-Fil-A: Marketing Genius

Inside Chick-Fil-A Marketing Dept. meeting:

Ad exec: Okay, so boss, the idea is basically that we're selling chicken, right, so who wants you to eat chicken? (silence) Well, cows, right? Because then you're not eating be--well, anyway, so we have this cow, right, and we dress him up like a human, maybe, and he's standing upright with a sign saying "Take a Vacation From Beef" or it could be funnier maybe, our guys are still working on some slogans for that. Here, take a look at the mock-up for it.

Big Boss (completely furious): NO, NO, NO! If I've told you once, I've told you a thousand times. We need realism, we need believability. This crap you've handed me is completely absurd. There is just no way that a cow could spell that well! Cows are terrible spellers, everyone knows that. Now come back when you've got something I can use.

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

Delino's secret admirer...

...and a way to search the bloggies.

Maybe you all know about this, but I just discovered it and I found it of interest. Instead of searching that whole disgusting internet, this search engine allows you to only look through the important stuff...the blogs!

Upon discovering this site, I of course decided to search for Delino DeShields and see what came up. Imagine my surprise and delight when I stumbled upon this reference to the blog. Yes, Yale's very own Maureen Miller is a big fan of our little web site. Well, at least I'm sure she likes Dan's posts...

Monday, July 18, 2005

The roots of the corkscrew

As some of you may or may not know, Dan is very fond of what we in the business like to call the corkscrew gesture. I am also fond of said gesture and it is a vestige of our high school days when it was what all the cool kids did. The corkscrew basically involves sticking your index finger in the air and doing a "corkscrew motion" to indicate that you find something to be pleasing.

But little did we know that in fact Jesus himself had been doing the corkscrew thousands of years before we even started playing Yahtzee for money every day...It was at the Prado (the biggest art museum in Madrid, Spain for the uneducated among you) that we discovered this astonishing fact in two paintings from the 17th and 18th centuries. I present to you exhibits A and B...judge for yourself:



Sunday, July 17, 2005

caricatures

concerned
surfer/nose

Al Gets a Haircut w/ Really Hot Hairdresser

RHH: Hey, what are we doing today?
Me (mumbling): Well, I dunno, a fade type thing, with a 3 or 4 or something.
RHH: Scissors or clippers on top?
Me: I dunno, whatever you think.
RHH: Okay..

(silence for awhile)

RHH: You know, you've got a little dandruff here, you want me to wash your hair for you?
Me: YOU THINK YOU'RE BETTER THAN ME? WELL FUCK YOU, YOU'RE NOT, OKAY? CHRIST.

Thursday, July 14, 2005

Tuesday, July 12, 2005

Birthday Dinner

As you all may or may not know, my lovely girlfriend's 21st birthday is coming up in just a couple short weeks, so I have been thinking about what we should do to celebrate. Last night, I finally came up with the perfect idea. I will take the all the bloggers at Delino out to dinner at Peter Luger's steak house! It will be a great chance for the boys to get together and discuss what we have already accomplished in just 6 months of blogging, while also looking forward to our one year anniversary next February. Alex and Eric of course will be flown in first class from Florida and after drinks at the Plaza the boys will hop in a limo to Luger's. I imagine my telephone conversation explaining all of this to my girlfriend will go something like this:

Me: Hey, Happy Birthday! Congratulations on the big two-one! Listen, can't talk much now, about to meet the boys for champagne and steaks...the Plaza, then Luger's...I hope you enjoy it!
(click)

Quick Poll

Please answer a simple (flame-less) "yes" or "no".

Would you like to see poker content on the blog?

(Making funny is a lot harder.)

Monday, July 11, 2005

Ben Gold, Supreme Kourt Komedian

NOTE: I'd like to bring to yout attention the addition of the blogs of two of my school chums from New Haven, Nick's Corner and Immortalized Stillicide.

After receiving a tour of the Supreme Court from tour guide Ben Gold, Mr. Gold handed me the following brochure:

Lenny Bruce, George Carlin, Eddie Murphy, Jerry Seinfeld... and now Ben Gold, Supreme Kourt Komedian. That's right, this is a limited time offer to receive The Best of Ben Gold on VHS or DVD, absolutely free! Watch this balding, obese, lisping man rip through all your favorite routines as he gives you a tour of the Highest Court in the Land (not high on marijuana, silly- that was outlawed in the historic The Man v. Stoners decision) A few highlights:

"The builders of the Supreme Court finished the main structure. And then they had $1 million left over, so they coated the ceiling with 23 karat gold. And they STILL had $95,000 left- so they handed it back to the US Treasury. This was, of course, the first time a government project had ever gone UNDER budget, yes yes."

"That relief of Napoleon is about 7 feet tall. So I guess that would be TWICE as big as he was in real life."

"What do the justices do in their time off? Well I believe Justice Rehnquist spends most of his vacations Waterskiing!"

"That concludes the tour, but downstairs we have a 20 minute long video, some portraits of the justices, the famous spiral staircase, a gift shop, and a snack bar. Oh, and did I mention the gift shop?"

This video can not be found in stores, so buy yours today! Still not convinced? See what some of your fellow Americans had to say:

"Oh ah liked him, he was fun-ny! And the snack bah, don't fuhget that. They had a chili cheese dawg, mm-hmm"
-A fat idiot from Texas wearing an American flag shirt and jean shorts who sat in front of me and blocked my view

"Ben's always been funny. Ever since he was a little baby. In fact, he was on the borscht belt circuit when he was 4. These were the later years of course. Jackie Mason, Red Buttons, Buddy Hackett. But I digress. Anyway, Ben would get out there and he only had one joke, but people loved it. He'd say, 'Why did the chicken cross the road?... Ca Ca' They went absolutely wild."
-Ben's mother, Shirley Gold

Friday, July 08, 2005

Delino: Behind the Laughter

(Editor's Note: This post was originally conceived at Not About Marquis Grissom.)

As many of you know, before I received the Small, Speedy, Early 90's Black Players Fellowship for this summer, I worked on the blog created by the previous winner, my brother Dan. I was his assistant in every meaning of the word and I just wanted to share with you, my loyal readers, what this experience was truly like. You all only see Dan's brilliant finished products, you don't see the blood, sweat, and tears (all of which used to be mine) that actually go into each and every post. Now that my position has been outsourced, I feel that it is time for you to hear my secrets.

This is a sampling of some of the duties I had to perform for Dan, along with some of Dan's peculiar habits that he probably didn't want you to know about :

To begin with, I had to bring Dan printed out copies of all the blogs (including Delino) twice a day, once over breakfast at noon, and once before bed at 2 AM. This schedule was strict and if I was even a minute late, my salary of 10 of Dan's jokes a day would be cut in half.

Then there was the issue of feeding the great blogger. This task was expensive, but relatively straightforward while we were in New Haven. But on vacation, either home in New York or around the country or the world, things were much more difficult. You see Dan took his lunches from 5 places, all in New Haven: the Doodle, Ivy Noodle, Gourmet Heaven, Bulldog Burrito, and the Burrito Cart. No substitutes. Thus, every afternoon, I would get him a sampling of his favorite dish from each restaurant and he would choose his favorite and throw away the rest while I salivated at the prospect of eating a few scraps of leftover dining hall food. For dinner, Dan kept things simple, only requesting a steak from Central Steakhouse and some broccoli rabe. I would only get to eat if the broccoli rabe was too garlicky. As you can imagine I racked up quite a few miles on Metro North, but it was all worth it for me when Dan wrote that Jay Leno post!

Dan also had the habit of asking me to laugh at every single thing he said. This was usually pretty easy, as Dan is the original funnyman after all, but things could get awkward, such as the time when he told me that he had spent all of his money investing in Bulldog Burrito. He said that owner Jason Congdon had a worldwide business model that would make his company the next Mexicali Grille. After that failure, my salary was cut altogether and I couldn't laugh for a week.

As you can see, it was never easy being Dan's assistant. Although Hu Jintao has been working hard to try to follow in my footsteps, he constantly sends me e-mails wondering why Dan is so picky. I just tell him an old Confucian proverb: "If you can't laugh at genius, you might as well laugh with genius." Meanwhile, over at Marquis I have my own assistant, but I treat her a little bit better than Dan treated me. I pay her 20 of Dan's jokes per week.

In honor of Dan

This is the Italian Jay Leno, spotted getting off a sleeper train arriving in Milan from Rome:

A Note on Saunas

While at the Bloggers' Clubhouse (known to the layman as the Yale Club men's locker room), Tom convinced me to go into the sauna. I hadn't been in a sauna in years, so I acquiesced. After making the obligatory "it's like a sauna in here" joke, I settled down.

About two minutes later, it dawned on me, WHAT IS THE APPEAL OF A SAUNA? It makes you really sweaty, and if it was as hot outside as it is in the sauna, I'd be complaining about the weather. But fortunately, there are shriveled naked old men in there to at least make it tolerable.

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Congdon does Europe

Ed's note: Nate in Vegas has been added to the blog roll on the sidebar. As the World Series of Poker heats up this weekend, keep checking Nate's excellent blog for updates.

Apparently, just at the time that Rich and I were in Europe, so was Bulldog Burrito owner Jason Congdon. Apparently Congdon was attempting to find franchisees across the pond, but to no avail. He did, however, sell one quesadilla "no guac" to a Spanish gypsy pauper woman for 25 euro cents, after he graciously threw a Lego Deluxe Police Set into the deal. So he deemed the trip "the equivalent of an El Grande Loco Burrito," which apparently means it was good. Here are a couple pics he e-mailed me...

Here's the aforementioned sale:



















And a "get out the name" event on the coast of Ireland:

"Intense Games"

Product Description

Packed full of sexy challenges, animations and illustrations, this DVD goes the distance and promises to please. The game is completely interactive and delivers challenges, games and competitions to the players via their DVD player, television and remote control. Intense Games on DVD doesn't just break new ground in adult entertainment, it shatters the foundation and has fully exploited the interactive capabilities of your DVD player. This project has taken a year to build and is loaded to the gills with illustrated challenges and animated graphics that will make make your party an event to remember. Not only do couples compete against other couples, but they are also required to team up with each other to achieve goals throughout the game. Mini-Games offer several ways to score extra points, steal points which may radically alter the score and quickly change the outcome. Before you begin the game, just visit the set-up features to enable or disable Female Bi-sensuality. Turn it off, and you'll only be performing challenges with your partner. Turn it on and you never know what kind of fun the girls may get into. When the game ends, a Group Score Calculator will let you know how well the party scored. Based on this group score, the game will unlock up to four different end games that may range from a simple self-esteem building exercise, to a steamy, non-swinging, group sex experience. Each challenge is carefully designed to minimize the possibility of spreading STDs from couple to couple. Like all Sexploration Games, women are in control of this game. They select the cards and they choose whether or not to take the challenge. A council consisting of all the women playing the game have the power to change the rules and spice-up or cool down the party at any time during game play.

Monday, July 04, 2005

The Delino Media Empire Grows

Richard Branson, Ted Turner, Rupert Murdoch.... Dan Berger. That's right, Delino's very own Dan has expanded his media empire to include our new sister site Not About Marquis Grissom, with my former assistant Rich as the Head Blogger. I'm sure he's got a lot of backlogged material about clipping my toenails and driving me from Morse to Payne Whitney Gym, so check it out (it's linked on the sidebar).

Sunday, July 03, 2005

Oh Danny Boy

In an attempt to get a taste of the local culture, Rich and I took the Irish airline, Aer Lingus, on our flight to Dublin. I decided to go into the trip without any preconceived notions about Irish people, even though everything I'd read and seen about them portrayed them as drunken louts.

The first thing I noticed when Rich and I boarded the plane was that there were no seats, or at least seats in the traditional sense of airplane seats. Instead, the entire interior of the plane was a giant pub, with stools and a long bar stocked with Guinness and Jameson Irish Whiskey. While Rich flipped through an Irish Accent-Proper English dictionary, I decided I'd try to mix with the natives and found myself a seat at the bar just as the plane was taking off. When we reached cruising altitude about 10 minutes later, a gruff Irishman finally sat next to me. The following interaction took place:

Irishman: What's yer name, mate?
Me: Dan Berger.
Irishman: Ah, a Hee-brew are ya? No matter, me name's Seamus O'Reilly. Nice to meet ya. (to bartender) A pint for Dan, and ten pints and 5 shooters of whiskey for me.
(Bartender does not think this order to be oddly large, and pours the drinks)

[10 minutes later]
(I am half-way done with my pint, Seamus has finished all of his drinks)

Seamus (slurring words now): Hey Benjamin Disraeli, are you finishing that pint?
Me: Are, are you talking to me?
Seamus: So it's a fight ye want? Well then it's a fight ye'll get!
(Seamus pulls up his sleeves and puts up fisticuffs, and at this point looks like the Notre Dame mascot)
Me: Jesus, just take the rest of the pint, you crazy fuck. Here (handing the pint glass to Seamus)
Seamus: It's too late for that, Netanyahu, we're fixin' ta brawl!
Me: Really, I don't want to fight you.
Seamus (speaking to everyone else on flight, who are mostly American): GO ON! Who's man enough to fight an O'REILLY?!
(No one answers him)
(Enter a Fat Irish Woman)
Fat Irish Woman: Seamus O'Reilly!
Seamus: Aww Mary, what is it this time, ya wench?
Mary: Ya need ta get back to the cockpit, Seamus. The auto-pilot can't handle this turbulence.
Seamus: I'm drinkin' and brawlin', I've no time for flyin'. Last chance, who's gonna fight me?
(No one responds)
Seamus: Then aye must defend me honor the only way aye can.
(Seamus breaks a glass bottle over his head, and passes out)
(Panic ensues)

Mary then attempted to call each of her 29 children, aged 1-8, for advice. But all of them were too hammered at various pubs to speak coherently. Fortunately, Rich had learned how to fly a plane from his days as my assistant, and we landed safely.

Ruth Bader Ginsberg is Now the Hottest Supreme Court Justice

I may be a little late on this story (it's the time difference- I just found out about O'Connor's resignation this second), but I have a big scoop about O'Connor's possible replacement. Inside sources in the Bush Administration have told me that in an effort to prevent an all-out brawl between extremist conservatives and extremist liberals, President Bush has settled on a compromise nominee, chosen because he was deemed "inoffensive."

And the nominee is... Alejandro Franqui. When reached for comment by the Delino intern, Mr. Franqui, known to some as "Alé," had this to say: "I just got a package in the mail from my pal Addy, nudge nudge. I know midterms are coming up, man. I'm... I'm talking about Adderall, just so you're not confused." When reminded by our intern that the subject of conversation was his impending Supreme Court nomination, Mr. Franqui replied, "Sorry, my ADD, sometimes I... Yeah, Supreme Court, that sounds cool man. Totally. I hear they have a basketball court there, I'll hoop it up." When the interview concluded, Mr. Franqui went back to his summer occupation, brokering a deal with Cold Stone Creamery for the creation of an ice cream with chunks of Adderall in it.

I'm Blogging on Sunshine...

After a good night's sleep being fanned constantly by our slaves, Dan and I woke up in Dublin deciding that we should try to put our own two legs to good use for the first time on the trip. But first we had to try to figure out the temperature in the classic New Yorker fashion of sticking our hands out the window. The inconclusiveness of this exercise forced us into the torturous shorts v. pants debate. Of course we settled on capris.

Two Guinnesses later and we had hit the streets. Now the first gentleman we saw was a fine Irish chap and he immediately started talking to us while wiping sweat from his brow:

"Hot day, isn't it lads?" (The actual temperature was about 65 degrees and the sky was mostly cloudy)
"Yeah, I guess so." (Little did he know that we had spent the last two weeks in weather so hot that it would have killed him.)
"You lads Spanish?" (The combination of my dark complexion and Dan's proto-mullet (more on this later) may have inspired this line of questioning, but we quickly straightened him out)
"No actually, we're from America, New York City."
"Well then you could use this more than I could." (And he proceeded to open his bag and take out a book entitled Daytrips Ireland-50 One Day Adventures and hand it to us.)

He then said, "Enjoy Ireland," before disappearing into the growing fog.

Dan and I spent the rest of the day wishing that we had worn pants and a sweater.

(Editor's Note: True story)

Friday, July 01, 2005

Chess Babe of the Month: Alexandra Kosteniuk

Alexandra Kosteniuk - Miss July 2005

Nationality: Russia
Birthday: April 23, 1984
ELO: 2508
Title: IM, WGM

She is a disconcertingly beautiful creature, the perfect subject for glamour shoots. When dealing with Alexandra Kosteniuk one sometimes tends to forget that she is also intelligent, analytical and extremely determined – winning the Russian Women's Championship with 9/11 and a performance rating of 2691 speaks for itself.











When visiting the Kosteniuk web site (always something we can recommend) a number of new shots caught our eye. The photos were taken in April, after Alexandra had visited Colombia for the TV show "Yo, Jose Gabriel". There she was given as a present the smallest chess set ever made, measuring just 1.2 centimeters square! It's made in Tinjaca, Boyaca (Colombia), and is in Tagua, the fruit of the ivory-nut palm which becomes very hard and is also called vegetable ivory. The artists are Cesar Bonilla and his wife Julia Vergara, who are true masters of their craft.

ELO tracker
Games played with White
Games played with Black