Tuesday, November 23, 2010

Another WaLuigi Interview

[Interviewer From Nintendo Power, a mid-20s dude, sits across from WaLuigi. A gruff 40-year-old Cameraman films them]

Interviewer: So WaLuigi, how much do you hate Luigi?

WaLuigi: You know, in my old age, I've realized that my anger toward Luigi was unjustified. The real deserving target of my anger is the Wall Street banks, who are giving record bonuses this year even as average Americans face the highest unemployment rate in decades and most of Wall Street's profits are thanks to government largesse.

Interviewer: CUT! WaLuigi, what're you doing? It's a simple question, just answer it like the script says and we'll be done here. This isn't fuckin' Charlie Rose.

WaLuigi: I'm not that guy anymore. I'm a public intellectual now. Thurman Thomas and I published an article in the Huffington Post supporting the creation of the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau that very well may have pushed the legislation over the edge in the Senate.

Cameraman: We gotta get movin'. We got Yoshi across town in half an hour.

Interviewer: I tell you what - let's record the stuff from the script super quick, and then we'll get a bunch of footage of whatever you want to say after that.

WaLuigi: Alright, alright.
[Cameraman turns on camera]

Interviewer: So WaLuigi, how much do you hate Luigi?

WaLuigi (shaking fist): I-ah hate him so-ah much-ah! (pause) Now you also have to realize it's not just the banks - Bernanke and Geithner are using the government to help the banks--

Interviewer: And that's a wrap.
[Interviewer and Cameraman pack up]

WaLuigi: But I haven't even explained how TARP is only one tiny sliver of the government's propping up of the banks

[Interviewer and Cameraman walk away]

WaLuigi (shaking fist): You'll rue-ah the day-ah you crossed-ah WaLuigi!

[WaLuigi is now alone]
(WaLuigi sighs)
WaLuigi: Ah well, at least I have my driving shoes.

Tuesday, November 09, 2010

A la recherche du temps poo-poo

[10-Year-Old Dan is in the bathroom]

10-Year-Old Dan's Inner Monologue: Well, I have to poop and I have to take a shower. Why don't I take a shower and then poop? Then I'll feel all clean when I poop!

[10-Year-Old Dan takes a shower. He dries off, then sits on the toilet and takes a poop and starts to wipe up]

10-Year-Old Dan's Inner Monologue: That was completely insane! I just did the cleanest thing in the world and then the dirtiest thing. Ah well, life lesson learned. Poop and then shower. Better tell Rich.

[10-Year-Old Dan picks up his pants and is about to open the bathroom door]

10-Year-Old Dan's Inner Monologue: Wait a second, I'm not telling Rich. Let him figure it out on his own. I mean he doesn't tell me how he does that NHL '93 juke move to score all those goals. Screw him.

[10-Year-Old Dan opens the bathroom door. 10-Year-Old Rich is on the other side]

10-Year-Old Dan: Hey Rich, bathroom's free! You can shower, and poop. In any order you want, yep.

10-Year-Old Rich: Uh, what?

10-Year-Old Dan: Oh nothing. Doo-da-doo-da-doo

[10-Year-Old Dan walks off to read The Indian in the Cupboard but really just fantasizes about Rich screwing up the shower/poop order]