Sunday, December 14, 2008

Deleted Scene from a Ghetto Bildungsroman

Setting: A dilapidated classroom in an anonymous ghetto neighborhood. A mixture of African-American and latino students in the class. The teacher is white in every sense of the word. Class is unruly.

TEACHER (Yelling): QUIET DOWN! WE HAVE TO GET THROUGH THIS MATERIAL FOR THE STATE-WIDE EXAM!
(the students quiet somewhat)
TEACHER: OK. Now, we've already discussed private goods in the marketplace. But now we are going to talk about public goods. A public good is a common resource that is not owned by any one person but is rather shared by everyone in the community.

DARNELL (an extroverted African-American boy in class): Yo mama a public good!
(Class laughs hysterically)

TEACHER (trying to keep his cool): No, no, my mother is NOT a public good. Alright, Darnell. There are some abstract public goods and clean air is a public good which is a bit unusual, but typically for our purposes in this class we are talking about physical infrastructure.

DARNELL: Mah bad, teach. Yo mama bedroom a public good!
(class laughs even harder now)

TEACHER (Angrier now): NO, NO, NO DARNELL! My mother's bedroom is NOT A PUBLIC GOOD! A public good is something like a ROAD!

DARNELL: A road? Damn, son. Don't you know that a road is both rivalrous and excludable, whereas the two necessary conditions to be a public good are NON-rivalrousness and NON-excludability? Ain't you ever heard of congestion pricing? You ever been on the 405 at rush hour? That shit is rivalrous as a motherfucker!
(class laughs hardest at this)

TEACHER: DAMNIT DARNELL! A ROAD IS ABSOLUTELY A PUBLIC GOOD IT'S A TEXTBOOK EXAMPLE NOW LET ME GET ON WITH MY FUCKING LESSON!

(Tyler Cowen appears)
TYLER COWEN: Actually, Darnell here is right. Though in the past, a road has been seen as a public good, economists now agree that it can function as a private good, and the example of public-private partnerships in which private firms build and maintain roads in exchange for the right to charge entrance fees has borne this principle out both in Spain and even in the nearby state of Illinois.

TEACHER: GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CLASS, COWEN!

TYLER COWEN: Did I mention that the best jazz flautist in Spain is Rodrigo Dominguez and my favorite Spanish food is arepas con carne?

TEACHER: GODDAMNIT TYLER COWEN! YOU ARE THE MONEYEST ECONOMIST AND A BRILLIANT THINKER ANNNNND YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT EVERY CULTURE THAN I OR ANYONE I KNOW! TO BORROW A PHRASE FROM MY STUDENTS, YOU GETTIN' GOT!
(Teacher shoots Tyler Cowen dead)

DARNELL: Damn, Teach! Ah didn't think you had it in you!

TEACHER (calm, earnest): Well, Darnell, I think we both learned today that you can't judge a person just by looking at him.


postscript: Darnell grew up to own a successful chain of barbershops. His column, "Scene from a _____ Barbershop," runs every other Tuesday and is available courtesy of Universal Press Syndicate.

Tuesday, December 02, 2008

Upside of Mumbai Terror

So there is a cute Indian girl at my office but she is sort of shy. Which is why this Mumbai terror attack was a FUCKING GODSEND for the meek Indian men in my office! There are so many Indians at the NYCDOT by the way it is a veritable Delaware Dunkin' Donuts (hat tip to VP Biden).

Literally my entire day was spent listening to the procession of meek Indian men saying, "Sowmaya, is all your family OK?" And her replying, "Yes, they only attacked the tourist sites, not the residential areas. Fortunately." And then the Indian men saying, "That's good, that's good. But it's a tragedy really. And very scary. (Beat) So how's everything going at school?" --> regular, non-terrorism schmoozing/flirting.

For those female readers reading this post, this is but one instance of the depravity at the heart of man's soul. A depravity so profound that it leads meek Indian men to watch their countrymen get blown to pieces and respond with an internal monologue of "Ahhh... finally.... dees is my in! Dee chase begeens... 'I'm so concerned'... about my deeeeeck!... yes, that vas a good one interior monologue i'll give it up you fucker"

Friday, November 28, 2008

More from the Delino Vault

That's right folks, our assistants have been working non-stop over the holiday weekend, and have uncovered for your listening pleasure another episode of your favorite old-timey radio show, Don't Forget the Bialys! Enjoy:

Monday, November 17, 2008

Team of Rivals

There's been a lot of talk these days about Obama choosing a "Team of Rivals" for his Cabinet, just as Abraham Lincoln did-a group of officials with a wide variety of political opinions, including even bitter rivals such as William Seward (or Hillary Clinton).

So I figure that this is a good time to discuss my own experience with the "Team of Rivals" concept. It was the fall of 2003, and I was in Econ 115a. In that class, there were Homework assignments every week. And I could have decided to just sit down and do the Homework every week on my own. But like Lincoln and now Obama, I decided I would get input from other great minds and together we would come up with something better than anything I alone could do. The genius of the "Team of Rivals" idea is that the members of the team bring their strengths to the table and make up for each others' deficiencies.

So I assembled a "Team of Rivals" who could make up for my deficiencies of not having gone to lecture, not having done the reading, and not having slotted any time in my busy schedule of poker playing and sleeping for doing homework. Of course the first member of my "Team of Rivals" was Munz, who had the strength of having gone to lecture, done the reading and already done the homework correctly. Next on the team was Actual God, who had the similar strengths of having done the homework correctly and done the reading. Finally, we had some other guy (maybe Austin Allen?) who had the strength of getting Munz cheeseburgers from the Buttery. But we were Rivals filled with bitter disputes in our past- Actual God resented me for (supposedly) having brought him to the Homework session just as a way to get in with Munz, Munz resented me for not contributing anything positive to the group, and Actual God resented Munz because I trusted his answers more.

In working with this "Team of Rivals," I realized that my own strength was as "Copier-in-Chief," who could wrangle the correct answer from this ragtag group of combative strivers. Whether it was saying buzzwords like "Deadweight loss" apropos of nothing after Munz had explained the entire answer or suggesting to Actual God that "I think the supply curve shifts to the left in this problem" as a way to stall for time as I furiously copied his graph over his shoulder, I helped bring the group together and manage the gigantic egos.

So I hope President-Elect Obama heeds the lessons of my own experience with a "Team of Rivals" - hear from a variety of different voices, manage conflicts, and for God's sake don't ever, ever do your own work.

Friday, October 31, 2008

Responding to the Elitists!

Here are my prepared remarks for the big rally this afternoon:

With the election season heating up, a lot of the Coastal Elites in the Elite Media have been smearing my record as a student. A driving student that is.

Some in the Georgetown Cocktail set and the Park Avenue Matrons have been insulting me for having bounced around from "obscure" school to "obscure" school five times and barely graduating. Well as you folks know, not everyone has the means to go to the famous, tony schools like Princeton Passenger Car, Truck Driving and School Bus Academy or Stanford School of Delivery, Passenger and Ambulance Drivers.

But let me tell you something, from AutoNautics Driving School and Notary Public all the way to NY Remedial Driving Academy, back to AutoNautics, back to NY Remedial, and finally to Grand Prix Driving School where I proudly received my degree, I met some amazing folks. Folks who don't need fancy schools or arugula or martinis to feel like they're doin' something important in this country.

Folks like Tom Dominguez, who's driving a Domino's delivery car out in Flatbush, Brooklyn. Folks like Janet Heller, who drives a Domino's car out in Maspeth, Queens. And especially folks like Lamar Watkins, who is a livery cab driver... who then throws up a Domino's triangle on the car and delivers pizzas at night.

So when the Phony Elites tell you folks that they're better than you, that they know what's good for you, remember me and all the other amazing Americans who are ordinary folks doing the real work of this country and making it great.

Thank you, and God Bless you, and God Bless America.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a 30 minute deadline to meet on this Veggie Supreme and the customer's all the way out in Prospect Heights.

Monday, October 27, 2008

Medical Miracle!

Remember how in the 90's there used to be a ton of commercials for products that would cure a Yeast Infection in 7 days... and then it was 5 days... and then it was 3 days... but nowadays you never see a commercial for yeast infection cures. Did the medical wizzes finally cure yeast infections once and for all? I have to assume so.

Here is a video from the Bad Old Days when women used to actually get Yeast Infections:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=94ntJkBV_8k

Monday, October 20, 2008

That time of year again...

So I was walking down the street this morning, rushing to catch the bus, when I saw an elderly man collapse. Good samaritan that I am, I stopped and knelt down next to him.

Dan: Sir, are you alright?
Old Man (clutching chest): I... (cough)... I think I'm having a heart attack! Call an ambulance!
Dan: Call a what?
Old Man: An ambulance!
Dan: I'm not understanding you, sorry. (nudging him) Are you aware of what month it is?
Old Man (clutching chest): Uh... (cough)... October.
Dan: And let's see, does anything special happen in October? Any holidays?
Old Man: I'm really (gasping for air)... hurting here. Uh, October? Thanksgiving?
Dan: No, thanksgiving is in November. Think about it...
Old Man: I could die any second here, please... (resigning himself to playing Dan's game) Um... oh Halloween!
Dan: Yes! And so what is it again that you need me to call?
Old Man: An Am-BOOOOOOOO-lance! Ha! (coughing) Oh silly me. Jeez I can't believe I forgot about Halloween. Hey, who are you voting for in the election?
Dan: I guess Barack Obama and Joe Biden.
Old Man (clutching chest): You mean BOOOOO-rack O-BOOO-ma and Joe BOOOO-den?
Dan: Of course, good one! And what's their campaign slogan?
Old Man (really struggling now): I... can't... please call for helllllllllp
Dan: Nice try, but it's "Change we can BOOOO-lieve in!"
(No response from Old Man)
Dan: Uh, sir?
(Dan realizes Old Man is dead)
(Dan slowly backs away from the body and runs to catch the bus)

Bus Driver: Welcome to the BOOOOS! How's your morning?
Dan (shifting eyes): Oh great, great. No dead BOOOdies, nope nope. Doo doo doo doo doo. I mean boo boo boo boo boo!


So Happy Halloween from Delino and, for the last time, President BOOOOOSH!

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Liveblogging the Debate 3: Cross-posted at Death-Media

9:00- B.A. gives A.G. a beer which then explodes- GAFFE!

9:02- Both candidates are pimpin'- McCain with his pinstripes and Obama with his diagonal tie

9:04- GAFFE! McCain says "Fannie and Freddie Mae"

9:05- AG kills the CNN HD Ohio uncommitted voters trend graph and CNN pundit scorecard- JESUS I am going to actually have to pay attention to these idiots! We're on PBS now! Ahhh not the issues!!!

9:06- McCain's blinking algorithm is malfunctioning

9:08- That drinking game where you take a shot when McCain raises his right arm above his head stands- it's going to be a sober night...

9:09 - Love the Joe the Plumber content. Get that guy his own reality show.

9:10- We HAVE to change the channel. Watching on PBS makes me feel like I'm in civics class. Boooring

9:11- YES we changed to NBC- distracting graphics again; soothing, ahhh...

9:12- Schieffer talking about deficit- snooooze; not even flashy graphics will save this

9:14- Obama says "Pay as you go" - ahhh the Washington Post editorial board is having a circle jerk

9:15- McCain is writing his notes with a SHARPIE in all caps like a Kindergartener- MAVERICK

9:16- Tom scared everyone off with his sarcastic email

9:17- McCain is talking about cutting the budget using a "hatchet AND a scalpel" - BA suggests using a dildo

9:18- more hatchet and SCALPEL content- MEME!

9:20- McCain is obsessed with this projector thing- Marty Beckerman says, "I think John McCain is thinking about movie night at the old folks' home"

9:21- Pretty sure Obama's drawing penises with that Uniball

9:23- McCain brought his hand HALF-WAY up to his head- you guys and gals out there get HALF A SHOT!

9:25- McCain is obsessed with the Town Halls. We saw how last week's town hall worked out for the McCainBot- i don't understand why he wanted more????

9:30 - Obama is joking around, he knows he has this thing in the bag...

9:32- Obama brings up "Terrorist!" and "Kill him!" "Pallin' around with terrorists" - siiiiick; he is going for the jugular. Smart of him to bring it up first and set up the frame of negative attacks on him as crazy.

9:34- What are those t-shirts at the Obama rallies that McCain is talking about???? I want to see those!

9:37-McCain drops the AYERS and ACORN BOMBS!!!! Siiick! Finally some fireworks!

9:38- Obama has a sick response where he makes himself seem bipartisan at the same time! Amazing response- Washington Post editorial board is nutting again!

9:40- Major hat tip to Tom-- "A real-time poll of decided New Yorkers is giving the debate to Obama"

9:41- Joe Biden Scranton content! MEME!

9:44- McCain's dropping the special needs TRIG BOMB!

9:47- Schieffer says "Climate Control" instead of climate change- are we talking about my thermostat here? OHHH!! What's that animal with a long neck? I can't quite remember... oh yeah the Gir-GAFFE!

9:54- Obama's never been to Mexico? Huh, I figured him for a Senor Frog's kind of guy

9:57- Schieffer is so old- can we get that sprightly fairy Anderson Cooper to moderate the second half of this thing?

10:02- Obama is showing off how much he can move his hands- good call, rub it in McCain's face.

10:06- back to CNN - JESUS is Gergen even paying attention? He and Bennett have maddd low numbers for both candidates- a total of 10. Castellanos is going nuts but this Martin person is GOING INSANNNNNNE- he's put up 100 points!!!

10:09- Obama says "one of us may make more than one appointment to the Supreme Court..." - is this a hex on Rutebega Ginsburg?

10:11- the trendlines are flatlining; the Ohio undecideds are asleeeeep...

10:12- McCain calls Obama "pro-abortion"- them's fightin' words- and... women's trendlines are dippin' - Dipset!

10:15- these Ohio undecided rabble love Obama's "sexuality is sacred" content

10:19 - (Triumph the Insult Comic Voice): "Theece computer is like John McCain's campaign- eet's on life support!"

10:20 - computer's back- whew!

10:21- good idea McCain- send those PTSD soldiers into the classrooms!

10:27- McCain with the creepy Joker laugh again- MAVERICK! McCain can barely speak a sentence without flubbing it- MAVERICK!

10:28- via BA- McCain concludes, "I hope you give me an opportunity to serve again... before I die"

10:30- we hear the mics of the candidates; sick- McCain robotically says "Good job, good job!" and then does a cute little old man shuffle that almost makes me want to vote for... but not

10:31- Cindy McCain just defined the word PERFUNCTORY with that handshake with Michelle! Ouch! So perfunctory! And finally one last... GAFFE!

Sunday, October 12, 2008

"Yesterday"

Nostradamus, god bless his soul, has been giving me guitar lessons for the past few months. While thinking of songs to learn, I stumbled across The Beatles' "Yesterday." I thought a bit about this song and I'm pretty puzzled by it. It was written at the height of the Beatles' success in the mid-60's. So why such a sad song? How did they even get in that mindset? To my mind, the song should have gone

(to the tune of "Yesterday"): "drink drink drink, drugs drugs drugs drugs nut nut nut, nut nut drugs nut nut nut drugs drugs drugs, nut nut nut, drugs drugs drugs..."

Tuesday, October 07, 2008

Liveblogging the Debate 2

9:00- Tom Brokaw, Very Serious Journalist

9:03- Obama says "The economy is not doing well right now"- OOOH IT IS ON! THINGS ARE GETTING UGLY

9:05- Begala has a major boner right now- he gave Obama 2 points before Obombs even opened his mouth and now he's at 6

9:07- Mccain is supposed to do BETTER In the town hall format? Yeah showcase that robotic arm, good idea Steve Schmidt!

9:10- McCain is getting UGLY with the "Obama and his buddies in Freddie and Fannie"- IT'S REALLY ON! "Obama was loaning to his (whisper) black friends who couldn't afford to pay. (whisper ) Muslim

9:15- Even CASTELLANOS is judging McCain's performance as poor! There's an old adage in politics- "No Republican has won the election without the crucial Castellanos vote"

9:16- Rich notes Gergen has -(-2) for McCain Isn't that +2! I remember my arithmetic

9:18- Obama is being purposefully boring i think. White people love boring shit - NASCAR, mayonnaise, the suburbs. brilliant strategy

9:20- Questioner has a "t-t-t- today" moment- GAFFE!

9:21- New drinking game- drink every time McCain lifts his right arm above his arm above his head- Oh wait you won't get to have any shots!

9:22- McCain isn't moving his right arm above his head- MAVERICK!

9:23- Obama is smirking while McCain bashes him- he knows those trendlines are flatlining. Ballah!

9:24- The Straight Talk from McCain on cutting entitlements- ok don't these pols ever get it; the plebes just want to hear "energy independence" or whatever positive BS

9:25- Marty Beckerman once said "John McCain says 'my friends' alot; I think McCain belongs in the old folks home where he'll have a lot of friends"

9:27- Toobin is STINGY! So is Borger! Are they even paying attention? Are they in the CNN electrical closet doing the swing state screw

9:30- Obama drops the 9/11 bomb! Is the mention of Bush part of a brilliant subtle marketing campaign for the movie "W." which opens in theaters October 17?

9:32- OK Castellanos is at +17 for Obama, double what anyone is for anyone else! I think he senses the tide is changing in America and he wants to be a liberal commentator now. What I see is two boring dudes boring the shit out of me, but Castellanos sees a "home run" somehow?

9:35: Some guy was talking in the background- GAFFE!

9:36- Hatchet v. scalpel comparison- ahh a classic liberal meme!

9:37- McCain turns directly to Obama and says some attack line that starts "i've got news for you senator Obama"... and the trendlines flatline again

9:38- "The Straight Talk Express lost a wheel"- Obama is the next Andrew Dice Clay!

9:39- Good god this is the ugliest crowd I've ever seen in my life. Can I get the camera operators on the phone, do they know that there's a way to use a zoom lens so that the candidate is in focus and the people in the background are a blur?

9:40- What is with the Dem fetishization of the middle class? These are the people who have brought us Applebee's, Two and a Half Men and USA Today...

9:47- 5 minutes on energy and no T Boone Pickens content??? I'm disgusted

9:48- Tom Brokaw is a fucking troglodytet. He doesn't understand shit about technology or history.

9:49- McCain calls Obama "That One" oooh forget the South in 2008, it's the South in 1808 up in this bitch!

9:51- McCain is wandering around the stage like a doddering geezer- get MARTY BECKERMAN ON THE PHONE NOW FOR A GAG!

9:53- Obama mentions "you'll get a health care plan as good as John and mine have as federal employees" - jesus between that and the "we took our eye off the ball when we moved from Aghanistan to Iraq" I feel like I'm watching Kerry Deuce! What's next, "Global test!" "Tora Bora!"

9:56- when Obama said "Health Care is a right for every American," 50 million liberals just clapped in front of their TV's and said in unison in a whiny jewy voice "THAT'S RIGHT!"

9:58- Obama is talking about health care and woman are absolutely NUTTING THEMSELVES- they've been on the max level for a minute straight!

10:03- Toobin is back with a vengeance at Obama +13- he must have nutted when I wasn't paying attention and gotten back to the buzzer

10:06- McCain mentions Petraeus and trendlines dip- is it his horrible haircut?

10:07- McCain- "these times requires a cool hand at the tiller, a cool PARALYZED hand!"

10:08- McCain is wheezing- start the McCain Death Clock...

10:09- YES! Obama busts out the "Pahhkeestahn" pronunciation- Christiane Amanpour is wet right now!

10:12- Did he say Waziristan or WARIO-istan? If it's the latter i am scared! That Wario is fucking crazy! Have you seen his racecourse it's filled with pitfalls...

10:20- Begala loves the "I saw three letters in Putin's eyes- K G B" joke again; He also loves getting pounded in the ass by James Carville on the National Mall

10:23- the questions asked are so biased toward mealy-mouthed bullshit about health care and conventional wisdom foreign policy shit about "humanitarian intervention". Has Brokaw not noticed that the fucking American economy is going to shit before our eyes?

10:27- The Israel dick-sucking continues on both sides. "In terms of Iran, we'll take no options off the table"- IOZ is right they are both imperialists

10:31- Gergen has put up the fewest points of anyone. He is beating it- in a reverie about the 2nd Bush-Dukakis debate in '88...

The end- Brokaw mentions that he's reading off a teleprompter -GAFFE!

Thursday, October 02, 2008

Liveblogging the Debate: Warning this is probably terrible

8:57 - Is Actual Rod on the scene in St. Louis?

8:58 - Can we put to rest the meme of Palin video commenters saying "funny but TOO REAL! I can't watch"

8:59 - OK i hate McCain as much as the next guy, but i must admit he was very handsome as a young man

9:00 - Gwen Ifill- so gangster. Up there despite having a broken leg or some shit

9:01 - Palin looks hot - very catwoman

9:02- Biden looks hot- very catwoman

9:03- Biden said something-- GAFFE!

9:04- Biden says "nice to meet you governor" - STOP BULLYING HER BIDEN!

9:05- Palin -GAFFE!

9:06- Biden looks like he's going to die soon

9:07 - Chris Matthews' inner monologue "Sarah Palin is hitting it OUT OF THE PARK! Cheeseburger!"

9:08- Gwen Ifill you are so sensible and neutral- I want more angry black woman content

9:10- from AG, "Palin's lapel pin looks like an American flag with a dollar sign"

9:12- Liberal bloggers' inner monologue- "Palin is lying she's an idiot! Obama didn't raise taxes"; Joe 6 pack's inner monologue - "Me likey boobies!"

9:18 - Palin really is lipstick on a pig- she's a great propagandist

9:20 - how is Biden the poorest Senator what a sap- I'm pretty skeptical of him that he didn't find a way to make a shit ton of money out of his position

9:21- "bridge to nowhere" MEME!

9:22- switched to BIDEN HD (CNN HD)! Now we are tapped into the minds of Uncommited Ohio Voters via a real time ratings system and then there's the Analyst Scorecard as well holy shit! I am plugged into ALEX CASTELLANOS'S ID!

9:23 - Should I buy Palin glasses?

9:28 - The women are going wild for Biden on the focus group meter- this reminds me of the Itchy and Scratchy focus group. The voters just keep going wild for both Biden AND McCain.

9:30 - Drill baby drill, Drill baby Drill!

9:35 - Clean coal is a T. Boone Pickens-style boondoggle- boo on both of them

9:37 - Biden, "let me make sure I understand you- yes, I'll give the faggots benefits but dear lord no marriage"

9:38- the trendlines are surging as Palin bashes gays- this is America, folks

9:41 - Gwen Ifill- GAFFE!

9:43- Trendlines up for Biden talking about ending war - or maybe still just delayed support for Biden's gay bashing

9:44 - Palin smugly calling Obama plan "surrender" - ughhh shoot her please

9:46 - I miss the way Obama says "pahhkeestahn" - its a great play for the Christian Amanpour voters

9:48 - sorry this is a very cribbed from Finnegan comment but you shouldn't be able to control nuclear weapons if you can't say "nuclear"

9:52- Second Holocaust! Nothing makes Jews more afraid than this, except maybe Zabar's running out of lox

9:56- I love Israel too, Sarah!

9:58- Afghanistan is a shit show - just smiling will not change that Sarah

9:59- Biden is wrong too- give up on Afghanistan and Iraq; the U.S. is no longer good at imperialism

10:00- Bipartisan! Nunn-Lugar! David Broder has a Boner!

10:06 - Ed Rollins is going nuts on the Analyst Scorecard- he's +35 for Palin when everyone else is at most +15 for anyone; this is like my mom scoring my performance as a a chorus member in Guys and Dolls

10:11 - weird Heaven content from Palin- she has to watch Religulous with Bill Maher; and also watch an obese prostitute strip naked with Bill Maher

10:15 - Whoops I farted I hope no one notices... GAFFE!

10:17 - Cheney Cheney Cheney

10:22- Biden getting emotional is killing the trendlines! Biden out-womaned Palin - You're a fucking robot Palin! Strong men also cry!

10:24 - From B.A. - "We need more Self-Tanning in America"

10:25- From Nick A. re: the trendlines - "People love parallel syntax"

10:33 and that concludes our coverage......... GAFFE!

Monday, September 22, 2008

SeamlessWeb

As you probably don't know, Rich works at SeamlessWeb. And let me tell you I love SeamlessWeb. In fact I wish the whole internet were run by SeamlessWeb- you'd conduct searches on SeamlessWebOogle, check movie times on SeamlessWebAngo and social network on SeamlessWebAcebook. Imagine that site:

Chicken Tikka Masala has added you as a friend
Alaska Roll and Pad See Ew are no longer in a relationship
Cobb Salad is watching The Golden Girls - soooo 80's!!!!

The possibilities are endless. You could even get political commentary from SeamlessWebGreenwald. Rich, make it happen

Ah ah ah ah Splayin' alive, splayin' alive

Eric:
I went to Mokai on 23rd street on Saturday night. The usual UM Law School crowd was there.
Clubs are so lame. No one dances well, the music selection is terrible, drinks are very expensive, and the funniest part is someone trying to carry on a conversation in the middle of all the noise.
What a pathetic excuse for social interaction.

Sonaj:
I'm guessing you didn't get laid...

Eric:
No, but I JO'ed in the bathroom and put it in a girls hair on my way out.

Sonaj:
That's one way to spread your seed.


Sunday, September 21, 2008

Trip Advisor: Casa de Splayas

So I stayed at the Splayas' house a couple nights in the last month and I had a great time, and when I got back home I figured on a lark that I would check the ratings on Trip Advisor. Boy, this girl's review was quite different from the Splayas' slick marketing materials. Check it out:

posted by Girl84:
DO NOT STAY HERE!!!!!! Literally, there was like a drug deal going down in the next room over from me! Totally shady! Also, you have to SHARE the bathroom and I think some dude PEED IN THE SINK! ewwwwwww... As if that wasn't bad enough, a guy tried to kiss me after we had a jovial conversation for five hours- creeeeepy... The other guests talk all weird; they say 'skeet' alot- what does that mean? And even in the hallway they never wear shirts, and sometimes no pants. One dude had this big-ass laptop he was using in the lounge and the fucking thing was so big and all-consuming he didn't even hear or see me when i said 'hi'. Nice location though. And unlimited Diet Cokes a major PLUS! SKEET - see now they have me saying it; seriously what does that mean???

Sunday, September 14, 2008

Go Daddy Customer Service

Go Daddy: Hi, this is Brian, do you have a Customer Service number?

Eric: Hi, I'd like to transfer my registration and hosting to another service. Oh, uhhh.... not sure, I can give you my PIN number, would that suffice?

GD: Sure, also, if you have your domain name that would be great.

Eric: Hold on, I have it in my G-mail somewhere. Let me search for it, just a sec.

GD: (Making small talk) So I see you're calling from Miami Beach, that must be pretty nice.

Eric: Yeah, I like it. OK, here it is.

Eric: My pin is ****, and my domain name is www. chinesehorsepisssluts 69 88888 .com.

GD: Let me read that back to you, to see if I have it right. W-W-W- DOT - C-H-I-N-E-S-E-H-O-R-S-E-P-I-S-S-S-L-U-T-S-6-9-8-8-8-8-8-DOT COM.

Eric: Yup. That's correct. The 8's are for good luck.


Saturday, September 13, 2008

new campaign slogan for Obama

So the polls are not going so well for Obama. I'm no David Plouffe, but it seems like one way Obama could shake up this campaign is by changing his slogan- "Change we can believe in" has sort of been co-opted by McCain. For inspiration, I turned to some of the political lessons I learned at Yale. What about this for Obama:

You can't go wrong with Matt Harsha-Strong.

Saturday, August 23, 2008

An Observation about Screenplays

I've been reading some screenplays and teleplays lately and is it just me or have the action lines (scene descriptions) gotten more extensive than they used to be? Take this scene for example from a script I recently read:

INT. JENNY'S BEDROOM - NIGHT

JENNY, 18, lithe brunette lies on her bed next to STAN, 18, average-looking brown-haired guy with GLASSES.
This is the last time they'll see each other until Thanksgiving Break, and they want to make it special. The hot summer air wafts in from an open window. The mood is sensuous. Like somehow, for a moment, rural Kentucky has been transformed into Havana. SWEAT glistens on Jenny's lips and DRIBBLES down her neck. Silence. Stan TAKES IN THE MOMENT. Jenny REACHES OVER and STICKS A BIC PEN UP STAN'S ASSHOLE. Why the fuck not, right? It's a fucking screenplay, I mean go do your boring missionary bullshit in your own bedroom - I'm trying to open people's minds here, it's called ART. Look it up in the dictionary, Mr. Concerned Parent over there. Like your daughter's gonna be scarred for life if she sees a little anal- NEWSFLASH she's probably banging the black kid on the basketball team already. Jeez OK, what else happens? Um, so Stan is surprised at first but then he LIKES IT. He's really GETTING INTO IT as Jenny moves the pen around in there. Wait, also "My Back Pages" is playing in the background shit I forgot to mention that. The Dylan version, not The Byrds' version. DEFINITELY not the Byrds' version - I mean jesus it's a WISTFUL song not a fucking hippie chant; does a three-part harmony sound wistful to you? Where was I? Oh yeah, Stan is into it and we can see an idea forming in his head. He looks at Jenny - she appears totally COMFORTABLE and OPEN TO ANYTHING.

STAN
Hey, Jenny. Do you want a Joe Biden dick-pic?

JENNY
Do I want a vodka tonic?

STAN (shifting his eyes around the room)
Yeah, uh, a vodka tonic.

HARRY REID is standing in the corner behind a chest of drawers. STAN nods to him. Harry Reid furtively leaves the room, taking a MANILA ENVELOPE FILLED WITH JOE BIDEN DICK-PICS with him. He leaves behind a SIGNED COPY OF HIS BEST-SELLING BOOK "THE GOOD FIGHT." Man, that is a great fucking book. Seriously go read it.

Monday, August 04, 2008

More Trip Leader Instructions in Israel

"OK guys, it's going to be very hot out there and we are doing a lot of walking so make sure to bring your water bottles. Also, it is going to be very sunny out there and we're going to be doing a lot of leering so make sure to bring your sunglasses!"

p.s. new Israel content will be trickling in and then back to your scheduled Delino programming by the end of the week

Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Florida's Turnpike

I recently drove up to Gainesville to bother some old professors for letters of recommendation.
On the drive up, and back down, here are the songs I heard most often on various classic rock / 90's rock stations.

1) Metallica - The Unforgiven(3 times)
2) 4 Non Blondes - What's Up (2 times) - (Incidentally, the first time I saw this music video 1993? was the first time I became aware of the concept of lesbianism.)
3) John Parr - St. Elmo's Fire (Man in Motion) (1 time)
4) America - Sister Golden Hair (1 time)

Sunday, July 20, 2008

Trip announcement

The splayas and I arrived for our birthright trip just now. The trip
organizer walked in and said "ok guys you're going to be meeting a lot
of new people so roll down those quarter socks!"

Friday, July 18, 2008

Commodities Bubble?

A lot of financial journalists have recently been talking about how investors may shift from the housing bubble to a new commodities bubble. They point to the recent upsurge in commodity prices such as oil. But I took a look back at commodities prices over the last three years and even projected into the next couple years using an algorithm I developed, and I'm just not seeing this bubble they're talking about. Take a look for yourselves (click on image for full view).

Wednesday, July 16, 2008

New Nostradamus Marquis Song: "Snowing in Heaven"

After a few years out of the limelight, mostly spent boozing and watching CNN's Gulf War I coverage, Nostradamus Marquis is back with "Snowing in Heaven" in response to the death of Fox News legend and former Press Secretary Tony Snow. I helped him out on the lyrics, and I plan on suing in twenty years when I'm broke and this song is bringing in megabucks on iTunes. Enjoy:

http://fliff.tv/delino/snowing_in_heaven.mp3

Friday, July 11, 2008

Scene from a New York Barbershop

Overheard at a Barber Shop on Lenox Ave:

Barber #1: Man I just got me that Netflix shit- that's some good shit right there, no more late night trips to the 'Buster.

Customer: Oh that's for DAMN sure! I got me the whole five-disc package - love that shit.

Barber #2: FIVE discs! What the fuck you need five discs for? I got two discs- that's all a brotha need.

Barber #1: Yeah - two discs! You finish one movie, you got another movie right there, you send the first one back and by the time you get a new one you done with the second. Ain't nothin' more to it than that, ya greedy mothafucka.

Barber #2: They's kids starvin' in Africa and this nigga got FIVE mothfuckin' DVD's in his crib at one time?!

Customer: Ah'm just sayin' there's situ-ations where a brotha need five discs, I mean...

Barber #1: That's it, I can't take this shit no more!

(Barber #1 takes out a shotgun and blows Customer's head off)

(Barber #1 and Barber #2 stand solemnly above the Customer's corpse)
(beat)

Barber #2 (quietly at first, then at normal volume): Hey, yo what about one of them TV shows you get really into, with all them cliffhangers and shit. Maybe you need them five discs.

Barber #1: Yeah, yeah like Lost or some shit. How the fuck you gonna stop watchin' Lost after two discs? They's too many questions- how they gonna get off that island? Who that fat dude? Shit I pulled an all-nighta at my cousin's place watchin' Season Two.

(Barber #1 looks down at corpse of Customer)

Barber #1 (wistfully): Damn, son. Mah bad...

Wednesday, July 09, 2008

Wall-E Reviews

Just saw Wall-E last night and I enjoyed it, though it was not nearly as good as Ratatouille (i.e., it's not going on my Facebook list). While I was on the bus home from the movie, I whipped out my iPhone and checked the reviews on Rotten Tomatoes. Wall-E got a 97% rating, which I sort of expected; then I delved deeper and read some of the top critics' reviews. The movie was good, but these guys have perhaps gone a bit overboard - here is a sampling of some of the top reviewers:

"Wall-E is a cinematic tour-de-force. It's a masterpiece, a timeless classic. It has everything- laughter, love, and most importantly a timely message for all humanity. It takes a couple of love-struck robots to show us that if we don't stop our rampant consumerism and environmental devastation soon, there won't be much Earth left to enjoy! If you don't love this movie you have no soul."
-A.O. Scott, The New York Times

"A++++! Wall-E belongs in the Pantheon of great movies, animated or not. Beautiful cinematography, witty dialogue, and buckets full of heart. A touching tale that reminds all of us that we are at a crucial juncture in history, and humanity can either rise to the occasion or fall into an environmental abyss. Everyone will love this movie! If you don't love this movie, I fucking hate your guts. Seriously, what is wrong with you? What is going on in that diseased brain of yours- 'I don't like movies that are the most charming ever, or ones that tells us what to do to save our future'! You are the scum of the Earth do you know that, Wall-E hater? You might even be beneath cockroaches- I mean Jesus a cockroach was IN Wall-E and he was so fucking cute so yeah actually fuck that you are DEFINITELY beneath cockroaches!"
-Owen Glieberman, Entertainment Weekly

"Wall-E is the finest film ever made. It'll make you laugh, it'll make you cry, and it'll make you think with its beautiful eco-conscious message. So if you don't love Wall-E, I am going to kill you. 'Nice one,' you say? No, like, for real, I am going to kill you. I will go to your house, knock on your door, and blow your head off. No, you know what, that's letting you off too easy. First I'm going to torture you- I'll torture you so bad you'll wish you were at Guantanamo. Then I'll kill you in the slowest manner possible- maybe Braveheart style or some shit with The Rack. Matter of fact, I will kill your family too, because I don't want any of that demon Wall-E-hating seed poisoning the gene pool. In conclusion, Wall-E is an uplifting film for children of all ages, from 1-100, that will reaffirm your faith in humanity!"
-Joe Morgenstern, The Wall Street Journal

Tuesday, July 01, 2008

More Radio Content

Since so many of you liked Don't Forget the Bialys, I decided to post some more radio content. Here is the latest edition of the talk show of the Delino community's favorite waiter, Johnny from Antoine's in New Orleans. Take it away, Johnny

The Johnny Show

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Premiere Bush, tell me how my ass taste

So I saw this picture this today on Drudge.


President Bush, left, with Crown Prince of Abu Dhabi, Sheik Mohammed bin Zayed Al Nahyan, right, during an arrival at Camp David, Thursday, June 26, 2008.
(AP Photo/Pablo Martinez Monsivais)

I was just wondering if wearing a short-sleeve polo shirt, that looks like something he got off an Old Navy sale rack, is a diplomatic-dick slap equivalent closer to:
a) Tom going into a Denny's restaurant at 2:00 am, and taking the maple syrup the waitress just brought out for you from the kitchen and pouring the syrup all over the napkin holder and all over the table for her to clean up.
or
b) Me eating some disgusting sangwich at Subway, and then ripping a huge fart in front of the cashier for him to hear/smell/savor as I walk out of his foul smelling franchise. Then slapping Tom "high-five" and proclaiming "America Rules!"

We must really be needing some Arab bullion. Next time a prince from the Gulf visits, I'd like to see if he walks off of Marine One just wearing a man-thong.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

Found the Internal Facebook

Working in city government for the summer, I figured the agency would not have much up-to-date technology. I have largely been proven correct (whew, I'm glad I'm typing this on a computer with a ZIP drive! Come on!). But in the course of my work here I was fortunate to stumble upon one modern convenience- an electronic facebook! I'm not really supposed to share the link with non-employees but I trust my blog readers to have some discretion. So enjoy!

Friday, June 20, 2008

Shorter David Brooks

It's been interesting to read conservative columnists as they shift away from their initial pseudo-embrace of Obama, just as the general election kicks into high gear. Here is just one example of such a shift, from that crown prince of the "Respectable Right," David Brooks.

Longer David Brooks:
"Barack Obama is the most split-personality politician in the country today. On the one hand, there is Dr. Barack, the high-minded, Niebuhr-quoting speechifier who spent this past winter thrilling the Scarlett Johansson set and feeling the fierce urgency of now. But then on the other side, there’s Fast Eddie Obama, the promise-breaking, tough-minded Chicago pol who’d throw you under the truck for votes...
Fast Eddie Obama threw the workhorse duties under the truck...
But Fast Eddie Obama voted “present” nearly 130 times..."

Shorter David Brooks:
"On the one hand, Obama is a genuine reformer with a record of effecting real change in Illinois and in the Senate. On the other hand, he has not filled some of his campaign promises... Wait, also- NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER NIGGER HOLY SHIT HAVE YOU LOOKED AT HIS SKIN IT IS FUCKING DOODIE BROWN. Ok, whew, I'm done. Muslim"

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Scene from a Fort Lauderdale Barbershop

Overheard at a Barber Shop in Fort Lauderdale:



Barber #1: OK, Trolley Problem-- Trolley goin' down the tracks, about to hit a child - but if you flip a switch, it'll hit five manatees on the other track and save the child. What'd you do?


Barber #2 (instantly): Ooooh that's a easy one!

Customer: Yeah fo sho- you flip that fuckin' switch!

Barber #2: WHAT?! This mothafucka would flip the switch?! And kill all them manatees!

Customer: But I'd be savin' a child! A thinkin', talkin' human being!

Barber #1: What the fuck have them manatees done to you that you wanna kill 'em?! Been cute? Been the pride of Florida? Been a great sight to see as a bonding activity for grandparents and grandkids? Those sound like some capital mothafuckin' offenses to you?!

Barber #2: That's it! You outta here! Get tha fuck out of mah barbershop!


Customer: Ok, Ok, let's all calm down now. Save the manatees, save the kid, it don't matter. (Turning to Barber #1) We all brothas here, right?



Barber #1: You heard the man- get the fuck out of the barbershop, you manatee-murderin' mothafucka! (Barber #1 physically pushes Customer out of the barbershop) (Barber #1 and Barber #2 are now alone in the barbershop)


Barber # 2: Save the kid, kill the manatees? Shit, I seen some crazy mothafuckas in this shop but that one takes the cake!

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Bloggers Blowin' Up

What a week it's been for the blogosphere- some highlights

My YouTube video about the end of Hillary v. Obama got featured on CNN (Note: I am in negotiations with a 1-800 company for a VHS tape of this for $100-- 1993 called, it wants its technology memes back)

Lester was featured on the front page of the Showtime site for his excellent Californication blog.

Rugby Dan was approvingly linked to by noted professor/blogger Brad DeLong.

Actual God has a video screening at the Google Sales Conference.

And Actual Rod saw the episode of Seinfeld where Kramer answers the Moviefone calls while watching a bootleg English channel in Thailand.


Saturday, June 07, 2008

The Ketubah Brothers

The final evidence that Dan just wants to be liked (and really, who could not like Dan?):

As we were talking with the rabbi before signing the Ketubah,


he asked us if we had Jewish names. Sheepishly, we both said, "No." Surprised, but undeterred, the rabbi then asked if either of us had ever had a Bar Mitzvah. After an even more sheepish "No," Dan blurted out to the rabbi, "But maybe one day you could perform my Bar Mitzvah??"

Friday, June 06, 2008

Scene from a New Haven Barbershop

Overheard at a Barber Shop on Dixwell Ave:

Barber #1: That Guida's- that's some institutional mothafuckin' milk right there!

Customer: HELLLL NOOOOO- I go down to the bodega up Edgewood, get me some Guida's on a hot day. Drink it up with some Oreo's-mmmm.... that's some good shit.

Barber #2: Guida's milk? At the bodega? You crazy. That shit is fuckin' institutional as ALLLLL hell! Yale, Southern Connecticut State, Saint Raphael's Mothafuckin' Hospital- those sound like grocery stores to you?!!

Customer: Nah Nah- No Way! After this, I'll run down to SHAW'S, get me some Guida's, show all y'all mothafuckas it ain't only institutional!

Barber #1: That's it! You outta here! Get tha fuck out of mah barbershop!

Customer: Ok, Ok, let's all calm down now. Institutional, not institutional, it don't matter. (Turning to Barber #2) We all brothas here, right?

Barber #2: You heard the man- get the fuck out of the barbershop, you non-institutional-milk-recognizin' mothafucka!

(Barber #2 physically pushes Customer out of the barbershop)
(Barber #1 and Barber #2 are now alone in the barbershop)

Barber # 1: Guida's milk... not institutional? Shit, I seen some crazy mothafuckas in this shop but that one takes the cake!

Saturday, May 31, 2008

Matthew Yglesias withdrawal

So for the last 14 DAYS I have not read Matthew Yglesias's blog, an act which used to be as integral to my morning routine as eating a bagel with scallion cream cheese. This was started as a test of self-control and so far I am passing... barely. I have kept a log some of the my inner thoughts since then:

Day 1: Missing the educated liberal slant on the day's issues, but whatever I can get my fix elsewhere

Day 4: Early stages of withdrawal- the other blogs just won't do. My doctor tells me to try Ezra Klein, but it is too health care-y.

Day 6: Withdrawal starts to kick in. Having visions of occasional NBA content.

Day 9: Night sweats, need my fix of rants about the wonders of public transportation

Day 14: Full-on withdrawal, I am muttering to myself "Must have... assurances to libertarians that he's not a doctrinaire liberal... feed me... smug anti-gun-control posts"

But I'm hanging in there, just take it day by day.

Sunday, May 25, 2008

Memorial Day and New Fashion Options!

Despite my prep school background, it wasn't until I went to college that I realized that certain clothes were to be worn only between Memorial Day and Labor Day. Now I scrupulously follow these unwritten rules, so I'm very excited that this Memorial Day weekend will allow to me to debut my Summer wardrobe- here are some highlights:
























Friday, May 23, 2008

Quick Hits from Yesterday

I've been feeling the blog readership's temperature and it seems like content-dependent people out there are starving like Chinese peasants circa 1959. So here are two more quick hits from yesterday:

1. Yale Class of '50 guy telling me and Tom, "Now I would normally be alright with these two new colleges being built, but what's this Levin is saying about increasing the number of international students? I mean aren't Yalies supposed to be for God, for Country and for Yale?"

2. Tom suggested we start an information campaign about the evils of gifts like Gift Certificates and sweaters you're not sure the person will like, promoting cash as a better and more flexible alternative. Inspired by the NBA's pro-reading campaign, I suggested:

Cash is FUNgible

Flower Lady chat

Tom and I were up in New Haven as Emissaries of the Yale Club, and we were on our way to see Mr. Wrongway when we walked past the Flower Lady.
I paid the Flower Lady a dollar for a flower and asked her, "How you doin' girl, you still a meme?" She laughed and waved at me, but I'm pretty sure she understood. (p.s. I really did ask her this, Tom can vouch for me)

Sunday, May 18, 2008

CNN Content Part 2

More CNN content- this time it's in video form- Carville is defending himself in front of a judge in D.C...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ViKMij70l8I

Monday, May 12, 2008

CNN Content Part 1- a Scene

Setting: Motel off the highway in Myrtle Beach, SC (site of a Democratic Primary debate)


[Rhonda, a prostitute smoking a Virginia Slims cigarette, stands on the motel's terrace]

[Rhonda cautiously opens the door to room 203]

[REVEAL PEEK OF ROOM INTERIOR- S & M toys everywhere, whips, chains, ball gags, leather outfits]

[REVEAL AS DOOR OPENS FULLY THAT WOLF BLITZER is in the front of the room at the doorway. Wolf is completely naked except for a pair of argyle socks around his ankles]


Wolf Blitzer: Welcome... to the SITUATION ROOM!

Rhonda: Listen guy, it's 200 dollars for the hour. (looking around in disgust) It'll be an extra 100 if you want to use any of the shit in this crazy dungeon.

Wolf Blitzer: You mean the Situation Room!

Rhonda: Hey Beardie- in case you haven't noticed, we're in a Motel 6 off I-95.

[REVEAL LARRY KING sitting at a desk in the corner of the room]
[LARRY KING is wearing suspenders, a necktie, and a wife-beater. An old-timey microphone sits in front of him, with the cord dangling and unconnected to anything]

Rhonda (noticing Larry King): Why is this owly-lookin' motherfucker here?

Larry King: I'm an observer of the human condition. I take the bad with the good. Our guest tonight - this man has been described as "hung like Bernie Shaw in the old days"- please welcome Wolf Blitzer to the program.

Saturday, May 03, 2008

Links

So a while back, I decided I'd try my hand at cybersquatting. When all the John Mark Karr hubbub was going on a while back, I snagged the domain name johnmkarr.blogspot.com. Realizing that the story was fizzling out for the moment, I decided I'd make its debut right when the story was getting HOT again. So with Karr mania sweeping the country once more, I hired Nosferatu to write johnmkarr.blogspot.com - enjoy.

On another note, Finnegan has been blogging up a storm over at Jewcy.com. Check out this Finnegan-Wieseltier smackdown! I read every comment on that. Twice. Nut quote: "Uh, wow. Ontology is a subfield within metaphysics, numbnuts."

Monday, April 28, 2008

Nina Totenberg

Does anyone else always think of Wario when they hear Waziristan mentioned on NPR?

Also, I ordered " for pick up" at a restaurant tonight (Chicken Schwarma with a Salad and "Green Goddess" dressing on the side), but then forgot I ordered it. Went home, showered, and now the restaurant is closed. Rich (what The Everyman's Library is to Moral Compasses (that's a compliment, ask Tom about my opinion on various publishing houses book covers)), should I go back tomorrow afternoon and pay for my order? Please advise. (No they did not ask my name or phone number. And yes, I know this earns me two dismerits on the EatRichly.com honor scale.)




Saturday, April 26, 2008

Spring suggestions

Ahh, last Saturday! It was a lovely spring afternoon- flowers blooming, birds chirping, young couples frolicking... all things I saw through my window as i sat drenched in ball sweat and human filth, watching MSNBC for six hours while my laptop had Huffington Post pulled up on Firefox. As I watched MSNBC shuffle its talking heads around different shows, during The Tim Russert Show I had a realization. CNN brands itself as "The Most Trusted Name In News"-- why doesn't MSNBC come out with a new slogan? Each of the shows could even have their own as well. After a long day viewing, this is what I came up with:

MSNBC: The Ugliest Team in Cable News


The Tim Russert Show: 3 experts. 50 years of political experience. 0 prom dates



Tim Russert- The old guy with a paunch standing alone in the corner of the bar.













Chuck Todd- Like Flight of the Conchords' Murray, but LESS suave.









David Gregory- You can't quite put your finger on it (is it the squinting?) but god damn it - SO FUCKING UGLY!








The Tim Russert Show: Expert analysis. Exclusive Interviews. Painfully uncomfortable interactions with women

Friday, April 25, 2008

Pesach Nugget

A little Pesach JewBlogging I have to sneak in before it's over. From a New York Times article about Maricopa, AZ, a recently constructed sprawling residential exurb 40 miles outside of Phoenix:

“If it wasn’t for Teri being here, I’d shoot myself,” Weiss told me. “You know I’m the only Jew in this whole city?”

“You’re not the only Jew here,” Parks-Fox said. “What about Mark, the skinny guy with glasses?”

Weiss scoffed. “Mark? The first thing he told me when I met him was that he had just seen ‘The Passion of the Christ.’ ”

“You can’t be the only Jew in town,” Fox said.

“I checked the phone book,” Weiss told him.

“I’ve read that phone book,” Fox said. “I see lots of Shnitzes and Sals.”

“Those aren’t Jewish names, Daryl,” Weiss said.

Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Something I Must Tell the Voters in PA

Dear Pennsylvania Voters,

With the Pennsylvania Democratic primary coming up today, I felt it was important to address something that I've been meaning to tell people for a while now. As the recent controversy over Barack Obama's comments that "bitter" small-town Pennsylvanians cling to "guns" and "religion" showed, elitism is a major concern for the folks in Pennsylvania. They want to make sure the candidates are standing up for them, not looking down on them. And that is why, on the eve of the election, I feel I must reveal something to the voters of Pennsylvania...

Rich mocks people who make store names possessive that are not in fact possessive. Anyone who says "Duane Reade's" or "Chipotle's" or even "Barnes and Noble's" is the subject of complete and utter scorn from Rich.

So there you have it, Pennsylvania voters. I'm glad it's off my chest. Now you good folks can make your decision with all the necessary information available to you. See you at the polls!

Sincerely,
Dan

Monday, April 21, 2008

Pope Says


It seems the MSM somehow let a story fall through the cracks in all their reporting on The Pope's Visit to Amereeeca. Deciding He would have a little fun with his loyal Flock, The Pope played a variant of the game "Simon Says" called "Pope Says":
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I2TKAz0_06o

Sunday, April 20, 2008

The Tom Times: Sports Section

Tired of what he sees as the horrible biases and inaccuracies present in the Mainstream Media, Tom has decided to launch his own newspaper, the Tom Times. Here is a preview of an article from the sports section, which will be in tomorrow's inaugural print edition:

NEW YORK, NY - The Boston Random-Number Generators bested the New York Random-Number Generators tonight, with a final score of 4 to 2. Starting with the first pitch, some completely fucking random shit that was essentially the result of a Monte Carlo simulation happened. On hand were 60,000 screaming morons who have no concept of probability theory.

Saturday, April 19, 2008

A Sentence You Will Never Hear

And throwing out the ceremonial first pitch, Paul Begala!

Thursday, April 17, 2008

Liberals finally freeeee

As any liberal who watches and reads conservative media knows, the conservative media's depiction of liberal America makes liberals out to be total radicals who have no respect for decency or for human life, who will do anything in the name of "art", and whose moral relativism makes them completely out of touch with mainstream values. Oftentimes we point to young liberals doing great charity work in the Congo or inner city schools to prove, wait, hey "we're just as moral as you guys, if not more so." And it's true. But that doesn't stop the O'Reillys and Coulters of the world- they still depict liberals in the same way.

So that's why I was so happy that Eric sent me this article from the YDN. This girl has learned the valuable lesson of the last decade- don't bother trying to fight your political enemy's stereotypes of you, EMBRACE THEM! This story has every conservative meme you can think of all rolled into one:

-liberal Jew
-feminist
-Ivy League
-Art Major
-Having abortions ON PURPOSE- fuck "sanctity of human life"- and videotaping them to show
-Going one step further by smearing dead fetus blood in the name of Art (shades of the Giuliani elephant dung?)

There will be a lot of liberals trying to distance themselves from this girl. I say, fuck it! She's just acting out on all the desires we liberals try to suppress out of fear of right-wingers. Liberal women's inner monologues are always saying "It's Saturday night and I don't have any plans- I just want to HAVE AN ABORTION, for kicks, to let off some steam! But no, no, I'll go out drinking like a good little girl. Don't want to offend people." But thanks to Aliza Shvarts, you're free now, gals! See, it wasn't so bad. What's the next step- Stem Cell-tinis at hip downtown clubs? Murderers sentenced to a lifetime... of HUGS? The possibilities are endless...

UPDATE:
From: Aliza Shvarts
To: Dan
Date: April 17, 2008

HAHAHA look at the date... and subtract 16 days from it. You got splayed, you naive liberal! DOWN WITH MORAL HAZARD!

Best,
Aliza

Tuesday, April 15, 2008

Natural Disasters a marketing disaster

What is with these tornadoes in the South, possible earthquakes in California, and sundry other natural disasters? Looks like someone didn't get the memo. Newsflash, Nature- natural disasters are soooo '90s! Terrorism is in, baby!

Gone are those innocent days when the family would gather around the television hearth and watch Wolf Blitzer animatedly describe Hurricane Andrew or El Nino while the reporter on the ground got pummeled with wind and rain.

Now it's all Mohammed el-this and Mahdi that. But I guess I don't blame Nature for trying to stay relevant in the current times. I mean there's a lot of re-invention going on out there; look at Converse with those All-Stars shoes that all the hipsters wear or Atari's renaissance. Maybe Nature can draw on our generation's nostalgia for those good ol' days. But the marketplace can be a cruel mistress and Nature should have something else in the pipeline if it wants to survive, or else fickle consumers could make Natural Disasters the new Tamagotchis.

Friday, April 11, 2008

From the Delino Vault on Passover: Don't Forget the Bialys

Forget YouTube- in honor of Pesach, how about a little JewTube? That's right, straight from the Delino Vault, I have right here an episode of an old timey radio show about a Jewish family called Don't Forget the Bialys. It was described at the time as "Father Knows Best for the wormsy set." Enjoy this episode and who knows, if there is a lot of fan response, I might put up another episode with some special guest voices...


Don't forget the Bialys

Thursday, April 10, 2008

Breaking News!!

Fuck Drudge. When you want news about the shit that really matters, come to the Delino Report:

BREAKING- LESTER HAS STARTED A NEW BLOG. IT IS MONEY. HE IS EVEN USING HIS CONNECTIONS OUT IN HOLLYWOOD TO PITCH A SITCOM IDEA ON THE BLOG. From the name of the blog, it seems like Lester is on the Beneficent Allah diet. Enjoy: http://lobstersandcocaine.blogspot.com

Wednesday, April 09, 2008

sorry to my digital pen pals

If my hero Dennis Miller knew about my recent absence on gChat, he'd probably say, "Dan's the J D Salinger of gChat. He's a veritable Thomas Pynchon over there OK, Jesus. I haven't seen anyone that withdrawn since Teddy Kennedy found out they took mozzarella sticks off the Burger King dollar menu in '99 OK?" In truth, i just totally forgot i had chat turned off. Sorry, won't happen again. And happy birthday Nostradamus!

Monday, April 07, 2008

What a nice old man that John McCain is

At one point, Cindy playfully twirled McCain's hair and said, "You're getting a little thin up there." McCain's face reddened, and he responded, "At least I don't plaster on the makeup like a trollop, you c*nt."

Taxicab Confessions

The other day, in the back of a cab--

Foreign-sounding cab driver: My brozher tell me dere are over two hundred thousand jobs on Vall Street. But I don't understand- ees such a small street!

Me: Oh, no, no. Wall Street just refers to all the finance jobs in New York- most of them are in fact in midtown. It's a metonymy situation.

Foreign-Sounding Cab Driver: Ha! I must tell my brozher.

Wednesday, April 02, 2008

From my Inbox

From: Tom

To: Dan

Subject: Mortgage Bailout

Date: April 1, 2008

Hey Dan,

I really think we should bail out those poor homeowners who are getting foreclosed on. I mean it’s not their fault- they were duped into thinking their houses’ value would go up and their interest rates would stay flat. I say if the government can bail out a financial giant like Bear Stearns, it should be able to bail out some needy homeowners. Moral hazard isn’t that big of a deal when it comes down to it.

Best,
Tom




From: Dan

To: Tom

Subject: Re: Mortgage Bailout

Date: April 1, 2008

Hey Tom,

Wow what a surprising position for you to take! Yeah you make a good point I mean why are they bailing out the banks if moral hazard is such a problem? So a few homeowners are shielded from their risks- big whoop! You’re turning into a regular Robert Reich over there.

Best,
Dan




From: Tom

To: Dan

Subject: Re: Re: Mortgage Bailout

Date: April 1, 2008

Hey Dan,

HAHAHAHHAHA! Look at the date. You got splayed, you naïve liberal! DOWN WITH MORAL HAZARD!!!!!

Best,
Tom

Sunday, March 30, 2008

Killa Chem

I was looking at the ingredients on a food package today and I noticed "Manganese" was listed. I hadn't thought about this chemical element since 10th grade, so I decided to look it up on Wikipedia. Much to my chagrin, the etymology section of the entry was all wrong.

'Manganese' actually got its name when a Prussian alchemist misheard Beneficent Allah say that he was from "Laos Anggeleese"

Saturday, March 29, 2008

10,000 BC

I was talking to some of the Splayas the other night about how there are certain sort of awkward situations in which you know that what's happening isn't a big deal, but somehow on a visceral, almost reptilian-brain level, your body responds with a strong physiological response of upset stomach and increased heart rate. I was thinking about why this was, and then it hit me--

Let's say it's 10,000 BC and you are a caveman living on the open plains. You live a hunter-gatherer nomadic existence and the women in your tribe have extremely saggy boobies (hat tip to Natural History Museum). OK. Now, you're sitting on the subway and an elderly woman walks on the train but you've printed out a lengthy Becker-Posner blog post that you can't read standing up and you are averting making eye contact with her because you know everyone on the train expects you as the youngest person seated to give up your seat but you just don't want to do it. So without the fight-or-flight visceral response, how the fuck are you going to survive that situation?????

Mystery solved.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

The Big Lie

Oh... my... god. I have just had my eyes opened. All of this Urban Planning shit is NONSENSE. New York City is a FUCKING SHITHOLE! Oh great let me sit on a crowded subway for 45 minutes to go 4 miles- that's what I call paradise. NO NO NO

Now I have seen the light. I just came back from DRIVING to BLOCKBUSTER in a STRIP MALL and then drove through the TACO BELL DRIVE THRU and got a GORDITA and a DP! What a fucking thrill! Urban planning and New York - what a fraud- I have been lied to by the wormsy-ocracy!

UPDATE: Just drove to the driving range and LISTENED TO NPR in the car. This suburban thing just gets sicker by the day...

Monday, March 17, 2008

I Defer to the Expert

I have never found Bill Maher to be a particularly insightful guy. Sure, if you're at Finnegan's house and he is changing into a rugby shirt for an American Gladiators audition tape, yes of course you watch Real Time - that's a given. But I generally find Maher to be a pretty straightforward smug liberal who makes easy Bush jokes. And what really irks me about him is when he is just obviously not an expert in a subject but still is very smug. He will arrogantly make jokes about the economy under Bush versus under Clinton that are pretty simplistic considering all the factors that come into play - technological change, outsourcing, the timing of various bubbles and credit cycles. I am as anti-Bush as the next guy but the economy is just a complicated beast that can't be so easily simplified.

That is why I was so pleased to open up my Sunday Huffington Post and find this piece by Maher about a topic he is actually an expert in- banging hookers! Here is the "nut" graf in this piece about Eliot Spitzer:

Oh yes, let's convene a panel of experts for that. Let me help you: because he wants to get his nut off! Stop with all the analysis! It never ends, I hear all these people talking about how powerful people think they can get away with anything, so it's a thrill, or that it's for this psychological reason or this one -- please, he wanted to CUM WITH SOMEONE!

Now Maher is on firmer ground. It is always good to hear from a connoisseur on matters such as these. This reminds me of The Onion's classic take on Maher's own mixing of prostitution and politics, which I encourage you all to read in full.

But finally, I have to note Maher's odd phrasing, "get his nut off." The Delino Krew usually says "nut" or if we're feeling particularly haughty, "bust a nut." So I looked this phrase up on Urban Dictionary, only to find absolutely nothing. A further Google search, however, took me to this Yahoo! Answers page. Here, "Answerer 19" informs us:

I don't know how "bust a nut" came to be confused with expression "get your nuts off". But it does seem to be a common misinterpretation of this very old phrase. I first heard it some 50+ years ago as a teenager. It was an old phrase even then.

Sometimes you read something that just changes your whole take on history- like when you found out that segregationist Strom Thurmond actually had a black mistress. Well, this is one of those game-changers. If the phrase "bust a nut" was already old 50 years ago, a quick back-of-the-envelope calculation tells me that it was probably around in the 1910's. So that means a conversation such as this one might have taken place:

Moustachioed Man #1: I do say, my good man, how was your evening?

Moustachioed Man #2: Well, well. Very fine indeed. Very fine. I attended a meeting of the Bull Moose Party- that Roosevelt, he's the kind of fellow we need back in office! And you?

Moustachioed Man #1: I took in one of those new moving picture shows. Edison's filmed Henry VIII- a splendid production, given the limitations of the medium.

Moustachioed Man #2: Henry VIII you say? Oh my, I must see that. Did anything else happen of which I should be aware?

Moustachioed Man #1: Oh yes, I nearly omitted the best part of my evening. When I busted a nut. It was an exquisite nut really, absolutely exquisite.

Moustachioed Man #2: Why I haven't heard about an exquisite nut-busting from you since the McKinley Administration! Congratulations, ole boy.


NB: Audio content from the Delino Vault is coming soon...

Thursday, March 06, 2008

The Munzo-sphere...

...No, I'm not talking about his left nut. It seems that Munz has shaken himself from his marital bliss for long enough to bless us with some of his unique political commentary. And the post's about Romney no less. But wait! I can't find it on the Google cache now, but I swear on Rich's life that Munz originally posted this in LATIN! What gives? I'll get my crack team on this caper- Eric, you are the only one with the requisite knowledge of Google cache technology, Latin grammar, and Red Lobster jingles from the early 2000s - get to work!

In the mean time, enjoy Urban Dictionary's definitions of "munz." Something tells me that former Delino blogger Al was the source of one- no, make that both- of these definitions...


1.Munz
Internet slang for "money". Also commonly referred to as "mun-munz".
Andrés Echeverría is gonna buy himself a Flying V when he has enough mun-munz.
Dude, I'm out of teh munz :(


2. Munz
spreader of homosexual propaganda
I can't belive you did that, you f***ing munz!

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

An Inconvenient Truth

For many years, this blog has been ignoring the overwhelming body of scientific evidence. "The data doesn't go back far enough to know for sure," we said. "That's just a bunch of left-wing alarmists." But the Inconvenient Truth has become all too clear to us now. Carbohydrate consumptions are literally destroying this planet, and unless we do something about it soon, it may be too late.

So from this day forward, DelinoDeShields.com will dedicate itself to reducing its Carbo Footprint. Our efforts will involve some conservation measures, including open-faced sandwiches rather than traditional two-bread-piece sandwiches. Another exciting initiative is our purchase of Carbo Offsets, whereby every 35 dollars we donate funds one Peter Luger's steak for a villager in Tanzania. We aim for Delino to go Carbo Neutral.

But you know, this movement can only do so much on its own. Ultimately, the federal government will need to do its part as well. That's why we here at Delino are advocating for the pricing of Carbs. Whether it's through a Carbo Tax or a Carbo Auction, I'll leave that question to the economists - but we need something! And then we must use the money from the carbo-pricing mechanism to fund a sort of Apollo Project for alternative food sources. One promising idea involves an all-Muscle Milk diet.

Whatever the policies end up being, the important point is, we can no longer live with our heads in the sand. The gathering storm is only getting worse, and we must do something about it soon, before it's too late...

Friday, February 08, 2008

Huffington Post SCOOP!

The scoops just keep coming for Delino-- here is a piece that will appear on Huffington Post next week:




Richard Moll is a Los Angeles-based actor and playwright. He has appeared in countless direct-to-video horror films since his acclaimed role as "Bull" on Night Court.




It's Valentine's Day. I know, I know. I should be happy- my beautiful wife Susan and I are going to dinner at a delightful Peruvian restaurant in Westwood for ceviche. But NOT. THIS. YEAR.

How about the spouses and significant others of the 3,814 servicemen and servicewomen who have died during this illegal war? The 150,000 dead Iraqi civilians?


This isn't the Bush Doctrine, it's the Bush League Doctrine. Where were the WMDs? The only WMDs we found were Willfully Misleading Demagogues- Dick Cheney, George Bush, and Condaleezza Rice.

But no, we shouldn't talk about IMPEACHING these war criminals! Impeachment is for serious crimes, like getting a blowjob. Raping the entire Middle East with your missile-dick? That deserves merely a few negative editorials in the New York Times.

A lot of people have been talking recently about how Hillary Clinton being President would bring back all that "'90s stuff" we thought we were past. Yeah all that nasty '90s stuff like peace and prosperity! The middle class saw its real median wage climb by 30% in ten years. I saw it myself, with all those Night Court residuals coming in every month. This decade? The middle class's real median wage has actually shrunk, as have my residuals. Is it a coincidence that WGN stopped airing Night Court reruns a week after George Bush took office?

And don't even get me started on global warming! If I, with my 6'8 frame, can squeeze myself into a tiny Prius, I think those little soccer moms can switch from their SUVs. Jesus Christ, wake up and smell the burning planet, Middle America!

With two strong candidates in Hillary and Barack, it looks like the Dems are in good shape for November, but given the assclowns who run the Democratic party, you can never rule out a complete and utter collapse. And then good ol' Johnnie McCain'll be Pres-o-dent, and we'll keep slaughtering brown people in Iraq for "another 100 years!" And look out Iran, you're next- "Bomb Bomb Bomb, Bomb Bomb Iran!"

So yeah, Happy Valentine's Day.

Other Stories on Huffington Post:
LARK VOORHIES takes on Harry Reid over Telecom Immunity
JALEEL WHITE on shutting down GITMO
IAN ZIERING takes a critical look at the so-called "Social Security Crisis"

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Rebate Check Party!

So the finalized plan of $600 per person- one dinner at Masa is how Treasury Secretary Paulson put it- is in place but I wrote this post before that so just hang with me here:

As if you didn't have enough reasons to vote for O-bombs, now he is calling for a $250 check for every middle-class American! [Let's ignore the fact that I am somehow considered middle class under his definition- how gauche, I should really return the check out of class solidarity with my fellow Yale Club members] Assuming this happens, the bloggers should have a rebate check party - Foie Gras! Caviar! Decent but not that impressive watches! The possibilities are endless. Not to be outdone by his fellow former yeyo-experimenter, there are rumors that Bush might offer a rebate of two 8-balls rather than a mere one 8-ball ($500 vs. $250). We'll see how it shakes out.

Which reminds me of a conversation Tom and I recently had re: contraband, at the Kati Roll place.

Tom: Hey Dan could you bring these Kati Rolls to my splace - I need to go to the bank. Oh shit, we're across the street from PressToast. The guy at PT knows you're my buddy and I'm not getting my daily sandwich from him, he'd be pissed at me if he found out. You should hide those Kati Rolls OK?

Dan: Got it.
(Dan takes out a massive package of condoms and starts cutting the Kati Rolls into small chunks)

Tom: What are you doing, Dan? You can just put the Kati Roll bag under your jacket when you walk by PressToast.

Dan: Shhh.
(Dan starts stuffing the Kati Roll pieces into the condoms to make little pellets)

Tom: Dan, seriously just stop it!

Dan: And let them find it? Never. Stop talking so loudly.
(Dan starts swallowing the condom pellets of Kati roll)

Tom: Dan, you're fucking insane!

Dan: Just (swallows a pellet) doing my job.

Tom: Alright, alright. You know the protocol if one of those, um, comes out the other side?

Dan: Wash it off and re-swallow it?

Tom: I didn't say you could wash it off!

Dan: Yes, boss.
(Dan swallows another pellet)

Tuesday, January 22, 2008

today on the subway

So I'm sitting on the subway and the girl across from me is reading Eat, Pray, Love, that chick lit book about some woman who travels the world to find love and meaning and all that. Meanwhile, I'm just casually reading Robert Nozick's Anarchy, State, and Utopia, the libertarian philosophical treatise. And the girls asks me "Is Anarchy, State, and Utopia the sequel to Eat, Pray, Love?" I mean come on!


NB: Some, or possibly all, of the events in this story are embellished, except for the part about me reading Anarchy, State and Utopia- Tom, you impressed? Anyone impressed? Just a little?

Friday, January 18, 2008

Bobby Fischer 1943-2008


You will be missed.

Sunday, January 06, 2008

American Gladiators: The New Class

First of all, I'd like to note that I have beef with the new American Gladiators because they didn't pick Finnegan as a contestant. But I swallowed my pride and watched the first episode. What most struck me is that it looks like AG went to The Man Hole or some other L.A. gay bar to find the male Gladiators- check out these pics:

WOLF













TITAN:












JUSTICE:

Wednesday, January 02, 2008

New Year's thoughts

Happy New Year, blog readers! Just as the clock struck Midnight, I noted that the biggest change will be that sassy African-American women will now have to say, "Honey, it's 2008, ain't nothin' we can't do!" instead of "Honey, it's 2007, ain't nothin' we can't do!"

On another note, I'm excited for Ariel, who will celebrate his SEVENTH birthday thanks to this year being a leap year!