33-year old Knoxville mother-of-five Terri Ilagan will be paid $15,199 to legally change her name... to GoldenPalace.com. and i'm not joking.
no word yet on whether or not she will be required to use blue ink and underline her signature.
okay, no problem, i guess i will have to use the paper towel dispenser. empty too. what the fuck?
the only thing even closely resembling toilet paper in that entire bathroom was a well-read copy of the rumpus on the floor of my stall.
it was a pretty uncomfortable experience, but the symbolism was so delicious that i couldn't help but smile.
p.s.: noteworthy is the absence of the qualifier "literally" from the title of this post. i just fucking hate when people misuse that word. and you know what, i think i hate it even when they use it correctly.
The Big Lebowski Baseball Preview:
“Forget it, Donny. You’re out of your element.”
This quote goes to the Boston Red Sox, who open the baseball season as defending World Series champions for the first time in 86 years. How will Red Sox Nation react to being the team to beat? Easy, they will point to the Yankees’ off-season moves, particularly the Randy Johnson trade, and say they’ll take a TEAM of idiots over a bunch of mercenaries any day. Look for the Red Sox to make the playoffs again behind the best offense in baseball. If their pitching holds up (Schilling gets healthy, Clement and Miller pitch to their potential) they can take the division, otherwise they will be the wild card team again, but they sure didn’t mind that last year.
“You’re not wrong, Walter, you’re just an asshole.”
The Dude speaks for
“Just because we’re bereaved doesn’t mean we’re saps!”
This quote goes to the St. Louis Cardinals, 2004 National League pennant winners and World Series losers. They may have been upset about being swept by the Red Sox, but this winter they went out and only got better, acquiring multiple-time All-Star Mark Mulder to bolster their somewhat suspect rotation. If Mulder can overcome his late-season struggles he will be a very effective top-of-the-line starter for
“…Dude, uh, tomorrow is already the tenth…Just, uh, slip the rent under my door.”
This money-related line goes to this winter’s big spenders, the New York Mets, who made a big down payment, but might not be able to keep on the monthly “rent.” The Mets lavished large sums of cash on free agents Carlos Beltran, Pedro Martinez, and Kris Benson, and these superstars (and career underachiever) will be expected to produce immediately, if not sooner. The Mets committed approximately $200 million in contracts to these three players, and the fans (including myself) will expect to have something to show for it. You can be certain that even if it’s only May and the Mets aren’t in the thick of the National League East race, all the optimism of the winter and spring will be gone and new General Manager Omar Minaya will wish he still worked for the Expos (or Nationals). That said, I think that the Mets will be competitive in the NL East this season, with David Wright poised to become a household name. But ultimately
“This is what happens when you fuck a stranger in the ass!”
This memorable line from Walter goes to Sammy Sosa and the Baltimore Orioles. Sosa’s story is one of a steroid-propelled, selfish superstar who walked out on the team that made him an icon. His first reward this season: a trip to
“I hate the fucking Eagles, man.”
This is what might be on the minds of the perennially underachieving Philadelphia Phillies. Favored to win the division last season, they were a total flop, and with the Eagles finally making the Super Bowl this season, Philly fans will probably be expecting some sort of breakthrough from their baseball team too. Maybe the Phillies will be better off without all the high expectations, but in a division in which three other teams will be contending for the title, don’t expect a lot from these not-so-loveable losers.
“Stay out of
Now I respect Arte Moreno for constantly trying to improve his team and be a fan-friendly owner, but renaming the Anaheim Angels the Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim is just a joke. The team is clearly not in
This reference to Jesus Quintana’s pederasty could just as well be used as part of a description of the Oakland Athletics’ starting rotation. Featuring young guns Rich Harden, Danny Haren, Joe Blanton, and Dan Meyer, along with 26-year-old “veteran” Barry Zito, this retooled staff will be critical to the success of a team that missed the playoffs for the first time since 1999 last season. General Manager Billy Beane typically ignores conventional wisdom and this off-season was no different as he traded away two of the three pitchers (Tim Hudson and Mark Mulder) who were critical to the A’s recent run of success in the American League. But Beane, who works with a smaller budget than many other GM’s, usually knows what he’s doing, so I will give him the benefit of the doubt and expect the A’s to be highly competitive again in the American League West this season.
“…That rug really tied the room together, did it not?”
He may not be media-friendly, but, steroids or not, he sure can hit a baseball. I’m talking of course about Barry Bonds, the heart and soul of the San Francisco Giants, and the most dominant individual player in a very team-oriented sport. Bonds could miss the whole season, although I think that is unlikely, but any time out of that lineup would be devastating for a veteran-laden team whose World Series chances get slimmer with each passing day. He is an irreplaceable force, changing the entire manner in which teams approach the Giants’ offense. The loss of Bonds for a significant portion of the season will thus illustrate the mediocrity of the team that has been surrounding him for the past few years. The Giants will struggle considerably without Bonds, but if he returns early enough, they still might have a chance to beat either
“I didn’t blame anyone for the loss of my legs, some Chinaman in
This quote goes to General Manager John Schuerholz and his Atlanta Braves, the team that now reinvents itself every season yet has still managed to win the National League East a record 13 times in a row. After the remarkable successes of J.D. Drew, Johnny Estrada, and Jaret Wright last season, Schuerholz was forced to be at it again this winter as he had to replace both Drew and Wright. Instead of complaining, he simply brought in Athletics’ ace Tim Hudson, put former 20-game winner John Smoltz back in the starting rotation, and replaced him in the bullpen with All-Star closer Dan Kolb. Those moves look like pretty good bets for success, but it will be more interesting to see what happens with reclamation projects Raul Mondesi and Brian Jordan in the outfield. One thing is for sure: you can never count the Braves out (until the playoffs) and this year is no different. They will surely challenge for the National League East crown and until someone knocks them off, they are probably still the favorite to win it.
“If you will it, it is no dream.”
Courtesy of Theodore Herzl and Walter Sobchak, this could be the slogan for a Detroit Tigers team looking to make a surprising run in the American League Central. The Tigers won 72 games last season, a 29 game improvement over 2003, and with Magglio Ordonez and an improved bullpen, there’s some excitement at
“You said it, man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus.”
Except in this case, Jesus is Johan, as in Johan Santana, the defending American League Cy Young winner. Santana was the class of the
“His girlfriend gafe up her toe! She sought we’d be getting million dollars! Iss not fair!”
This one goes to out to the Chicago Cubs and their long-suffering fans who would probably do anything at this point to experience what the Red Sox did last year and finally win a World Series. The past two seasons have been especially frustrating for Cubs fans as they first had to deal with the Bartman situation and a loss in the 2003 NLCS, then watch the Red Sox win it all in a year in which many, including Sports Illustrated, favored the Cubs to take the title. The Cubs lost two big bats this off-season in Moises Alou and Sammy Sosa, but they should still be competitive if their pitching can get back to where it was supposed to be last year. The keys to the pitching staff are Mark Prior and Kerry Wood, both of whom are struggling with injuries right now. If healthy, they can team up with Carlos Zambrano and Greg Maddux to form a fearsome foursome, but if not, the Cubs may have to wait ‘til next year yet again.