Friday, September 30, 2005


...if you score enough points (my guess is over 150, although I scored 178) in Shout About Movies, the game will say this about your final score: "Red Team: Lots and lots and lots and lots of points." And instead of a number, the score just says "Lots."

Friday, September 23, 2005

Biking in a Blogger's Paradise

(Editor's Note: This video was too good not to be cross-posted.)

Also known as the Villa Borghese, this fine park in Rome has everything a blogger could ever need: Wireless internet, masseuses while you type, and even outdoor squash courts. Bloggers love squash. Watch this video and learn all about it:

The bloggers at their leisure

Alright, you got me, there are no squash courts. But there are fantastic bicycles and fun times to be had by all, especially bloggers.


I was channel-surfing (is that word still in vogue?) tonight and I happened to catch an intriguing scene on the Howard Stern show. It was, simply put, a porn star, on all fours, in the nude, with a 15-inch strap-on dildo hanging from her forehead. Her apparent duty was to use the marital aid as a makeshift putter in some kind of perverse variant of miniature golf against 3 other adult film actresses. Oh yeah, one more thing. The girl's face was covered in makeup - clown makeup. She, apparently, represented some kind of clown pornography website.

But this isn't even what intrigued me. Before she was about to swing, they asked her if she was feeling confident. She said something like "Well I've spent a lot of time watching The Price Is Right, and Bob Barker seemed to be pretty good at this, so.."

Shit, that was hot. What a subtle fucking reference. (She was referring to, of course, the pricing game known as "The Golf Game" on The Price is Right, the introduction to which was Bob Barker attempting a putt.) Of course, none of the Stern people knew what the fuck she was talking about.

Anyway, this probably won't come up, but if you ever see me with a huge boner at the circus, you'll know why.

Thursday, September 22, 2005

Powder Lineup

OK, here's a fun game for our ever-increasing readership. You know the movie Powder, right? "A young bald albino boy with unique powers shakes up the rural community he lives in." Ring a bell? Well, anyway, the challenge is simple--pick out the actor who played Jeremy 'Powder' Reed. I'll even give you a still from the movie to jog your memory:

Please submit your answer (1, 2, 3, 4, or 5) in the comments section, reading left to right, then top to bottom. (The upper-right corner is 3, the lower-left corner is 4, etc.) And no cheating, actual rod!

Friday, September 16, 2005

"Full House" or "Dilbert"?

Below are two plot summaries, one from the TV show Full House and the other from the TV show Dilbert. The character names have been removed to disguise the identity of the show. Are you up to the challenge?

1. The new school year is starting, and _______, who is entering 2nd grade, expects a bad day at school, but instead, it turns out to be a good day for _______. The same can't be said for 12-year-old _______, who is entering 7th grade, a step closer to becoming a teenager. On her first day in junior high, _______ is humiliated by _______ and _______, a couple of bullies. On the next morning, _______ decides to put on make-up, because she believes the only way to fit in among the 7th graders is to do what _______ and virtually all of the other 7th grade girls are doing -- look twice as old as she really is by putting on makeup. _______ thinks _______ is overdoing it, so he lets _______ help _______ with the makeup. Meanwhile, _______ tries to teach _______ how to play golf so they can impress a client who likes to play golf.

2. When _______ sips from the cup of management, he loses "the knack" that makes him a great engineer. In denial of his situation, he engineers a satellite project that goes wrong and takes out all communications and power, sending the world back into the dark ages.

Answer bank: Full House, Dilbert

Thursday, September 15, 2005

I always get choked up..

..watching the end of the movie Tin Cup.

Anyone else?

P.S. Kevin Costner is a man's man.

Monday, September 12, 2005

Holed up in my apartment

I was watching TV today and a promo for A Current Affair came on. Apparently they were doing a story about (one of?) Jose Canseco's marriage(s). The tagline was "WE'LL SHOW YOU HOW JOSE CANSECO'S WIFE... (dramatic pause)... BECAME JOSE CANSECO'S EX-WIFE".

"Fuck, I bet it's 'divorce,' but I guess I'll have to wait for the show."

Racism in the Pro Shop

I should have known something like this would happen on September 11th, but I never would have expected it to happen to my very own friend, Sagar Gajendragadkar.

At about 11:45 AM, our foursome walked up to the window at Bethpage Golf Course to pay for our 12:30 PM tee time. When Sagar, who had reserved the time, handed the woman (white, mid-40s) his driver license, the following exchange ensued:

Woman (examining license): Wow, your name really is a mouthful!
Sagar (uncomfortably): Um, yeah...I get that a lot...
Woman: Yeah, you know I really feel sorry for your kids. It's too bad they have to have your name.
(Long awkward silence)
Woman (finally feeling a little sheepish): Well, you don't have kids though, right? Enjoy your round boys!


When we reached the first tee, the starter asked us for four names:

Starter: Ok, so that's Rich, Dan, Jason, and Sagar. Hmm, that Irish?

Sunday, September 04, 2005

Mr. Dan Goes to Washington

As a way to get my parents off my back about getting a real job, I recently began working on Leslie Crocker Snyder’s campaign for District Attorney. Her opponent, the heavily favored incumbent, is Robert Morgenthau. As luck would have it, his son was Tom’s freshman year roommate.

One of the complaints about Morgenthau is that he is too old to keep up with the changing needs of a 21st century New York City. My candidate, on the other hand, showed a keen grasp of the important issues at her press conference last week:

Reporter 1: Attorney General Eliot Spitzer has been aggressively prosecuting white collar crime in New York. Do you think he has been overzealous? How proactive would you be as District Attorney on the issue of corporate malfeasance?

Snyder: Good question. You see white collar criminals are a lot like vending machines. There's all this talk among the Administration of replacing Coke and Sprite with water and juice. But have they once asked the STUDENTS what we thought? NO! In fact [brings out Venn diagram], 75 percent of students would like Red Bull or Rockstar in the machines, which actually have more sugar than Coke or Sprite. So to answer your question, yes, the Administration most definitely has a tin ear when it comes to students’ beverage-related concerns.

[Reporters chatter and scribble furiously]

Reporter 2: There has been a lot of talk in this race about reforming the Rockefeller Drug Laws. Is there a fear that if you eliminated harsh penalties the city might face a drug crisis that would rival the crack epidemic of the 1980s?

Snyder: Another interesting question. Again, this is an area in which the Administration is completely out of touch. Now as much as we all enjoyed the glass harmonica player last semester [reporters chuckle, Snyder waves them off], I’m sure in a city as culturally rich as New York, we can find more interesting assembly speakers. Here’s a headline for you: A vote for Snyder is a vote against Morgenthau snoozefests!

Reporter 3: You have been criticizing Mr. Morgenthau for the lack of diversity in his office. What steps would you take to ensure that the District Attorney’s office reflects the diversity of this great city?

[Snyder rubs her forehead in frustration]

Snyder: Okay. I thought I had made my position on this topic abundantly clear—what newspaper do you work for? Look—I addressed the issue of vending machines a moment ago, but if you insist on harping on it, this interview is over!

[Snyder stands up to leave]
[She is blinded by the reporters’ flashbulbs]

Following Snyder’s bravura performance, Morgenthau felt that he needed to hold a press conference of his own. Fearing that the press would go easy on the old man, Snyder planted me in the audience disguised as a reporter to ask a few particularly hard-hitting questions. Here’s how it went down:

[Morgenthau walks down the steps of the New York county courthouse]
[He is instantly mobbed by a throng of reporters]


Morgenthau: You! In the NotAboutDelinoDeshields fedora!

Me: Mr. Morgenthau! Mr. Morgenthau! Why isn’t your son better friends with Tom Lehman?! Tom says they’ve really lost touch since freshman yea—

[Morgenthau appears noticeably surprised and shaken]

Morgenthau: This interview is over! NO FURTHER QUESTIONS!

[Morgenthau is blinded by reporters’ flashbulbs]

Friday, September 02, 2005

A Temporary Restraining Order...

...against the most recent post on Delino. It will be back soon hopefully.