Saturday, November 25, 2006

Dual Action Cleanse

I was just wondering if anyone else has seen this disturbing infomercial:

It stars Irwin Klee of (insert phony pseudo-scientific sounding company name here) promoting his "Colon cleansing" formula Dual Action Cleanse. It seems that every year a new Carnie/Used-Car Salesman mongrel turns up to rob some gullible old ladies in Kentucky of their pension, hawking them nonsense "formula's" promising to enhance their colon function . Last year, it was Kevin Trudeau of Natural Cures:

Among the many (un?)intentionally hilarious things he talks about are what his daughter's poop looks like.

For instance: Irwin Klee on his daughter's poop size.

The list of ingredients is also stupefying:

Fennel Seed, Oat Bran, Alfalfa Leaf, Apple Pectin, Apple Powder, Barley Rice Fiber, Beet root, Lemon Peel, Mint Leaf, Acacia Gum, Red Raspberry Leaf, Slippery Elm Bark, Lactobacillus Acidophilus, Guar Gum, Gum Karaya, Turnip, Garlic, Pau D'Arco root, Fenugreek Seed, Ginger, Alfalfa, Dandelion, Fennel Seed, Eleuthero, Green Tea Extract, Yarrow Flower, Hawthorn Berries, Horsetail Herb, Licorice Root, Marshmallow Root, Peppermint Leaf, Red Clover Leaf, Red Raspberry Leaf, Safflower Oil, Scullcap Herb, Burdock Root, Chickweed Leaf, Mullein Leaf, Papaya Leaf, Black Cohosh Root, Cayenne Fruit, Irish Moss, Pacific Kelp, Plantain Herb, Slippery Elm Bark, Yellow Dock Root, Milk Thistle Seed Extract, Echinacea Angustifolia Leaf Extract, Ginkgo Biloba Extract, Club Moss, Beet Root

I would have to say my two favorite ingredients are "Marshmallow Root" and "Slippery Elm Bark."

From Infomercial Watch, a more comprehensive examination of this turd-man's claims:

And finally, their home page: Dual Action Cleanse, Inc.

Oh, and just in case you were contemplating taking penis enlargement pills (from Wikipedia):

"Penis enlargement pills" or ointments are commonly offered over the Internet; these, for the most part, are scams.

Analyses performed by Flora Research of California and by the University of Maryland have uncovered harmful contaminants in a number of "penis enlargement" pills. Contaminants found included mold, yeast, dangerous E. coli bacteria, pesticides, and lead. [1] Dr. Michael Donnenberg of the University of Maryland has described herbal pills marketed by Performance Marketing Ltd. as having "heavy fecal contamination", possibly from animals grazing near the plants harvested for herbal ingredients. [2] There may however be a placebo effect i.e. a psychological effect of making the user think he has a larger penis, and increasing his confidence, when there is no actual change to his penis size. [3]. Some people have also reported that such pills make them feel horny, and give them harder erections, but again, without any actual growth of the penis.

And wait there's more!

And from South Beach Solutions, is your wink pink? Anal Bleaching Kit

Caution: cream contains around 2% hydroquinone (a suspected carcinogen banned by several countries including France and the UK).

Thursday, November 16, 2006

If I Did It, Here's How It Happened

As many of you know, O.J. Simpson is giving an interview to FOX entitled "If I Did It, Here's How It Happened." Keep in mind, dear readers, that this is NOT a confession. O.J. is simply describing a hypothetical scenario in which he theoretically killed his wife.

Inspired by O.J.'s example, I am giving my own interview next month, also entitled "If I Did It, Here's How It Happened." In this interview, I describe a hypothetical scenario in which I theoretically left a large orange stain on page 167 of Tom's copy of Robert Bork's The Tempting of America. Here is an excerpt of the transcript from the interview:

Off-Camera Interviewer: So, Dan. Give me a play-by-play of what happened-- theoretically.

Dan: OK, so here is so how it WOULD HAVE gone down. I WOULD HAVE gone to Gourmet Heaven and bought a Turkey/Avocado/Russian Dressing sandwich with extra Russian Dressing. Then I WOULD HAVE walked back to Tom's dorm room in Pierson. I WOULD HAVE opened the door to an empty common room, since Tom WOULD HAVE been on the computer in his room. I WOULD HAVE looked through Tom's bookshelf and found Robert Bork's The Tempting of America. I WOULD HAVE sat down with the book in a reclining chair. I WOULD HAVE let out a fart that was just quiet enough so Tom couldn't hear it. Tom WOULD HAVE ignored me even if he had heard my sounds because, god, he WOULD HAVE been too wrapped up in some fucking blog or e-mail from Eric or whatever bullshit.
I WOULD HAVE started eating the GHeav sandwich while thumbing through Bork's poignant personal account of his confirmation hearings. A gob of that extra Russian Dressing WOULD HAVE squirted all over my hands. It WOULD HAVE been really gross. I WOULD HAVE looked around for a tissue or napkin, but not found any. So then, I wiped my fingers all over page 167 of Tom's copy of The Tempting of America. Wait-- no! -- I mean I WOULD HAVE wiped my fingers all over page 167 of The Tempting of America... This interview is over!

Thursday, November 09, 2006

A Morsel

So I joined a Facebook group yesterday.

Here are the details:

Group Info
Name: YES!...Brandon is my LAST NAME!
Type: Common Interest - Families
Description: For everyone who has to repeatedly answer the question,"Your last name is Brandon?"
Or heard "No I asked for your LAST name."
Or had someone say " have two first names."


And then, of course, there is the unintentionally weird post(s) on The Wall
Kish-Marie Brandon (N.C. State) wrote
at 10:11pm

LOl im Lakisha Marie Brandon, and people are always tellling me I have a Last name as a first name...I tghought I was the only Brandon but wow.....oh yeah I do believe that Brandon is Irish cause my great grandad is from ireland
Kish-Marie Brandon (N.C. State) wrote at 11:54pm

DANG I just found a girl with my same name....Whats up Lakesha Brandon....though she spells it with an e, and I spell it with an I

Kish-Marie Brandon (N.C. State) wrote at 11:57pm

Ok...imma stop posting but i just remembered something...

when me and my family went to go eat at shonneys one day, they announced "Brandon party of 4" so we got up and then another family also with the last name got up as well.


I always thought I was from Africa, not Ireland.

Lakisha (Mc)Brandon

Wednesday, November 08, 2006

Let us Mourn and Pray

Friends, as many of you may know, we lost someone very near and dear to our hearts two nights ago. He fought a valiant effort toward the end and almost pulled through, but ultimately he did not make it. It is always difficult to lose someone close to you. Especially someone with such a warm heart, a compassionate soul who did so much to help so many people. But we here at Delino are doing our best to try to cope with the grief and sadness over the demise of The Republican Majority in Congress, or TRMiC, as he always liked to be called.

For those of you in the New York and Miami areas, Dan's and Tom's conservative parents will be sitting shiva in those two cities. In lieu of flowers, please send money to Exxon-Mobil. It is a sad day, but Kacha HaChayim, such is life. If you would like to organize your own shiva, we encourage you to do so- TRMiC would have wanted it that way. For your use, here is the traditional Jewish prayer to be recited at sundown the day after the Republicans lose the Majority in Congress.

Tuesday, November 07, 2006

BeRiched Finale!

You have no idea what I had to go through to get this footage. But here, finally, is the end of the 4-part saga of BeRiched. Please make sure to watch part 1, part 2, and part 3 first. Then sit back and treat yourself to the gripping conclusion.

Thank you to Tom for putting this together (and Sarah for guest-starring). Also, I could not have done this without the support of Jen (take a bow, sugar beet) and Dan. It was a collaboration of the highest order.

Wednesday, November 01, 2006

Scoop! Actual Rod in Row Over Troop Comment

In remarks to a group of supporters in Illinois yesterday, Actual Rod said, "You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, well, you end up a reactionary neo-con nutjob lunatic orientalist fascist moron piece of shit with no sense of history who knows nothing about the Middle East except that he wants to steal all of their oil and give it to greedy corporations who control the U.S. government."

Almost immediately, President Bush responded with a biting critique of what he characterized as Actual Rod's criticism of American soldiers, calling Rod's comments "insulting and shameful, and an offense to all of our brave men and women who serve this country in its fight against The Enemy."

Hoping to quiet down the furor, Actual Rod went on MSNBC's Imus in the Morning to clarify his comments, saying, "When I said that stuff about reactionary neo-con fascists, I was talking about President Bush. AND the American troops... AND every white American. Peace, I'm off to Azerbajian, suckas."

Chess Babe of the Month: Ksenya Rybenko

Ksenya Rybenko - Miss November 2006

Nationality: Russian
ELO: Not Rated
Birthday: July 22, 1984

From Chess Base:
Lives in Novokuznetsk (Kemerovo region), Russia. Studying and playing chess. No brothers and sisters, just a very beautiful white cat. Parents metallurgists. Natural ashy blond hair, green eyes. Height 1.58 m (5' 2"), weight: 44 kg (97 pounds). Vital statistics: 84-60-88 (33-24-35).

Began her chess career when she was five. Took part in regional championship, became five-time champion of Siberia. Took part in the Europe Youth Chess Championship in Slovakia, came 3rd among 46 players from 38 countries. Took part in the World University Chess Championship and came sixth. Gained the title of Woman International Master. Today Ksenya is one of 30 the best women players in Russia.

Rybenko,K (2295) - Petrenko,S (2349)
WUCC Women Ulaanbaatar, 19.09.2002

1.e4 c5 2.Nf3 d6 3.Bb5+ Nd7 4.d4 Ngf6 5.Nc3 cxd4 6.Qxd4 e5 7.Qd3 a6?! [7...h6 8.Be3 Be7 9.Bc4 a6 10.a4 Qc7І] 8.Bxd7+ Bxd7 9.Bg5 h6 10.Bxf6 Qxf6 11.Nd5 Qd8 12.0-0-0 [12.0-0 Be6 13.Rfd1±] 12...Be6 13.Nd2 Bxd5 14.Qxd5 Qc7 15.Nc4 Rc8 16.Ne3 Be7 17.h4! 0-0 18.Qb3 b5 19.Nf5 Rfd8 20.Rh3 [20.Rd5!?] 20...Bf8 21.Rg3 Kh7 22.h5 Qc4 23.Rgd3!? Qxb3?! [23...d5!? 24.Qxc4 Rxc4 25.Rxd5 Rdc8] 24.axb3 Rc6 25.c3 a5 26.Rd5 g6 27.Ne3 Rb8 28.g3 Ra6 29.Kc2 a4 30.f4 [30.bxa4 bxa4 31.Nc4±] 30...exf4 31.gxf4 Re8 32.e5? [32.Rxb5 Rxe4 33.Nd5±] 32...dxe5 33.fxe5 Bg7 34.Rxb5 Rxe5 35.Rxe5 Bxe5 36.Rd7 axb3+ 37.Kxb3 Kg7 38.Kc4 gxh5 39.Kd5 Ra5+? [39...Kf6!=] 40.Ke4 Bh2 41.b4 Re5+ 42.Kd4?! [42.Kf3!?] 42...Re6? [42...h4!ч] 43.Nf5+ Kg6 44.Nh4+ Kf6 45.Rd5 Be5+ 46.Kd3 Rc6 47.c4 Ke6 48.Nf3 f6 49.b5 Rc8? [49...Rd6] 50.Nd4+ Bxd4 51.Kxd4 f5 52.c5 Kf6 53.c6 Ke6 54.Kc5 f4 55.b6 f3 56.b7 1-0

Her website: Ksenya Rybenko home page
Chess Base article on Ksenya: A Star Rising in the East