As many of you know, O.J. Simpson is giving an interview to FOX entitled "If I Did It, Here's How It Happened." Keep in mind, dear readers, that this is NOT a confession. O.J. is simply describing a hypothetical scenario in which he theoretically killed his wife.
Inspired by O.J.'s example, I am giving my own interview next month, also entitled "If I Did It, Here's How It Happened." In this interview, I describe a hypothetical scenario in which I theoretically left a large orange stain on page 167 of Tom's copy of Robert Bork's The Tempting of America. Here is an excerpt of the transcript from the interview:
Off-Camera Interviewer: So, Dan. Give me a play-by-play of what happened-- theoretically.
Dan: OK, so here is so how it WOULD HAVE gone down. I WOULD HAVE gone to Gourmet Heaven and bought a Turkey/Avocado/Russian Dressing sandwich with extra Russian Dressing. Then I WOULD HAVE walked back to Tom's dorm room in Pierson. I WOULD HAVE opened the door to an empty common room, since Tom WOULD HAVE been on the computer in his room. I WOULD HAVE looked through Tom's bookshelf and found Robert Bork's The Tempting of America. I WOULD HAVE sat down with the book in a reclining chair. I WOULD HAVE let out a fart that was just quiet enough so Tom couldn't hear it. Tom WOULD HAVE ignored me even if he had heard my sounds because, god, he WOULD HAVE been too wrapped up in some fucking blog or e-mail from Eric or whatever bullshit.
I WOULD HAVE started eating the GHeav sandwich while thumbing through Bork's poignant personal account of his confirmation hearings. A gob of that extra Russian Dressing WOULD HAVE squirted all over my hands. It WOULD HAVE been really gross. I WOULD HAVE looked around for a tissue or napkin, but not found any. So then, I wiped my fingers all over page 167 of Tom's copy of The Tempting of America. Wait-- no! -- I mean I WOULD HAVE wiped my fingers all over page 167 of The Tempting of America... This interview is over!