Wednesday, June 03, 2009

Driving Shoes Digest: Interview with Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman

Dan, reporter for Driving Shoes Digest: So, Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman- can I just call you Morgan?

Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: Of course, my friend.

Dan: So you stand outside Madame Toussaud's Wax Museum in Times Square every day- that must be pretty tough on your feet?

Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: Sure, sure. You can't imagine how many tourists pose for pictures with me every day -it's 15, 16 hours straight without a break. And I even heard one of them say the other day, "it's Barack Obama!" To be fair they probably put me out in front to remind people that President Obama's wax figure, who is a good friend of mine by the way, is inside once you pay the 20 dollars or whatever it is these days.

Morgan Freeman Tod's TD 4531 (BK) Driving Shoes
Wax Figure

Dan: So you chose some Tod's driving shoes to keep you comfortable during those long hours?

Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: Precisely!

Dan: I was chatting with WaLuigi the other day, and we agreed that one also wears driving shoes because they're stylish. They make you look like a titan of business. Wouldn't you say?

Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: I- I guess.

Dan: But more than that, they make you a titan of business. They imbue you with the contacts and the business acumen to get ahead in this world. And they make you irresistible to women. It's like the leather is treated with pheremones, the way these things work. They should sell a stick to fend off all the women coming after you when you wear driving shoes, wouldn't you say? But it would be a classy stick, more like a cane, don't you think?

Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: What? What are you talking about? They're just shoes. I like them. You are a strange young man!

Dan: Whew, I see driving shoes are a touchy subject for you. So what about those black spots on your face?

Wax Figure of Morgan Freeman: Don't you do any research before you conduct interviews? This topic was addressed on Not About Delino DeShields in 2005 - you might find the post on the new Random Delino Plus Nostra site. This interview is over!

Monday, June 01, 2009

Ode to Finishing up job

In my last couple days at my current job, I have totally given up on being courteous to my coworkers in any way. To honor this, I wrote a little song to the tune of Adam Sandler's classic "Steve Polychronopolous"- like to hear it? Here it goes:

I'll open a 46 ounce tub of Party Mix,
Just to eat one Dorito,
I'll open a pack of Milanos,
even though there's an open Brussels pack,
and they're basically the same shit,

My name is Dan... Mothafuckin'.... Bergerchronopolous

I'll tell the guy who has to clear the office
I still need the printer for work,
Even though I'll only use it to print out articles to read in the bathroom,
Instead of reading on the iPhone,
'Cause the screen is too fucking small,
Even when you turn it sideways,

'Cause My name's Dan... Mothafuckin'.... Bergerchronopolous

I'll take all the Perriers from the fridge,
even though they were specifically requested by some woman in accounting,
I'll borrow your scotch tape dispenser,
and never think of retuuuuurning it!

My name's Dan... Mothafuckin'.... Bergerchronopolous!