Tuesday, May 31, 2005
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Wednesday, May 25, 2005
This just in! Yesterday, Tonight Show Host Jay Leno testified in the child molestation trial of pop superstar Michael Jackson. No reporters were allowed in the courtroom, but we here at Delino had an inside source who gave us some of the transcript. Let's take a look--
Santa Barbara County District Attorney Thomas Sneddon: Now Mr. Leno, since you spoke with the accuser on several occasions, you are in a unique position to judge his character. Do you feel that his accusations against Michael Jackson are true?
Jay Leno: A lot of people were wondering recently what inspired Janet Jackson to expose herself at the Super Bowl to millions of young men. Well, we here at The Tonight Show went through some of Janet's old press clippings and we think we found the answer. In a 1983 interview with JET magazine, Janet proclaimed, "My brother Michael is my role model." (waving to people in courtroom and chuckling)
D.A. Sneddon: So, you're saying you believe the boy's claim that
Leno: What else. Oh, I read this in the paper today. Apparently Santa Barbara County Juvenile Court is looking to hire a new bailiff. It’s true. The responsibilities include patting down young boys and conducting strip searches of young boys. (pause) Sources tell us that the first applicant on the list is Michael...
D.A. Sneddon: OK... I guess that means you believe the boy's claim that Mr. Jackson sexually abused him. The Prosecution rests, I suppose.
defense attorney Tom Mesereau: Mr. Leno, you're confirming all of these claims about my client Mr. Jackson, but what about the accuser and his family. That's why you were called here in the first place. Isn't it true that the accuser and his family are gold-diggers who repeatedly called you asking for money?
Leno: The family of Michael Jackson's accuser is looking for a financial adviser. Did you hear about this? Family friends have suggested some of the bigger firms-- Merrill Lynch, JP Morgan Chase, Citibank. But the accuser's family instead went with the unorthodox choice of... Anna Nicole Smith. (no laughter from courtroom) Come on.
Mesereau: You mean that the accuser's family would choose Anna Nicole Smith because she too is a gold-digger?
Leno: Some news in the Michael Jackson case. New testimony reveals that African-American comedian Chris Tucker once bought the accuser one those My Buddy dolls. Yes, the accuser then proceeded to take all of the money out of the doll's pockets and tell his mommy that the doll was molesting him. (one laugh from stenographer) (Leno waves her off) Thank you, folks.
Mesereau: Umm, I think that proved my point about the accuser and his family being money-grubbing gold-diggers. The Defense rests.
Judge Rodney Melville: Mr. Leno, you have not responded directly to any of the prosecution's or the defense's questions. But from what I can glean from your monologues, you seem to agree with the claims of both the prosecution and the defense. You are a joke-machine, a cipher. You don't stand for anything.
Leno: It seems that Judge Rodney Melville... (Leno breaks down and bawls) Oh it's true! I JUST WANNA BE LIKED!!!!!
Monday, May 23, 2005
We'll also be putting on a workshop after the Tourney, if you're interested then shoot me an e-mail to see if seating is still available. We'll be covering some basics, as well as the latest research into openings and end-game. Presentations on the following will also be available for those who are interested:
The Italian Game
Playing Black against 1.e4 Openings
The Ruy Lopez
The King's Gambit
The Modern Italian Game
Closed Sicilian with ... e5
Playing Black against 1. d4: The Dutch Stonewall
The Isolated Queen's Pawn in the Queen's Gambit Accepted
The Blackmar-Diemer Gambit
The Indian Defense
Custer's Last Stand (Playing Anti-Indian systems: an introduction for White)
Beating the Anti-Indians: (Playing Black against Anti-Indian systems)
We would also like to extend to you an invitaiton to attend a Master's Tea with Jerry Hopfer former editor-at-lage of Kings Korner and Correspondence Chess Quarterly on the evening prior to Tournament competition. He will be lecturing on the fallacies of Maxwell Lawrence's Transcedental Chess Theory. Refreshments will be served starting at 7:00 pm and the lecture will begin at 7:30 pm.
Things have also been going pretty good over at the University of Florida's official chess publication, Gambit Magazine. Just recently we received a call letting us (my self and the other contributing writers who were handpicked from the cream-of-the-crop of UF chess talent) know that our review of Antoine's is featured on the Accolades portion of their website. This is a great honor for the team as well as all chess players alike. Lord knows how long Jude and I have waited for the recognition competitive chess deserves.
Antoine's restaurant has been the recipient of numerous awards and been heralded by both regional and national press.
"Antoine's prepares pompano en papillote, a variation on a traditional Creole recipe in which the fish is baked in a paper bag with shrimp and lump crabmeat in a white wine sauce.
Fans say you must try the Pommes de Terre Souffle, crispy potato puffs: Nibble them as you peruse the menu. Main courses include the venerable Poulet Rochambeau, comprised of chicken, baked ham and sweet brown Rochambeau sauce."
Long Live the King!
Friday, May 20, 2005
Thursday, May 19, 2005
Now there are several ridiculous things about Rich Little's web page. First of all, half of the celebrities he impersonates are dead or irrelevant to anyone under the age of 70. I'm sure people stop Rich on the street all the time and say, "Do Perry Como! No, wait, actually do W.C. Fields!" Also, although he says the catch phrases of the bigger celebrities, like John F. Kennedy's "I am, uh, John Kennedy. Ask nawt what yoar country can do for you, but what you can do for yoar country," for lesser ones like Robert F. Kennedy, he just comments on the person's voice--"I am, eh, Robuht Kennedy. My voice is, eh, a little bit softah than my brothah's"-- real imaginitive, Rich. Then there's the fact that some of his impersonations are just awful, like the Danny DeVito or the Rodney Dangerfield-- they sound like my dad trying to do a funny voice for me when I was five.
Finally, the coup de gras, Rich Little's (almost) one-man play, The Presidents. The description's "money quote" [Finnegan has me in a full nelson and is making me write in geeky BlogSpeak]:
In this poignant drama, Little becomes, with uncanny accuracy, all nine presidents from John F. Kennedy to George W. Bush.
Insightful, touching, and at times hilarious, this theatrical journey through America's last forty years preserves a deep respect for the Oval Office, while dramatically reflecting changes in our country, our culture and ourselves.
In particular, check out the caption under the picture, which reads (I'm not making this up):
"An African Lion much like this is responsible for the death of 28 Cambodian Midgets"
From reading the article it seems that since no cameras were allowed in the coliseum, the good people at BBC just tacked on a photo of some random lion, presumably to remind the reader what a lion looks like.
Why don't they have a photo of a group of midgets next to the photo of a lion. Would kind of fill out the article. "Midgets much like these were mutilated by an African lion much like that."
And then maybe a photograph of a map of Cambodia. "It all took place in a country much like this."
While i'm riffing here, this hardly seems fair to the lion chosen. I mean, if my picture was in the paper for mutilating 42 midgets, I'm pretty sure my mom would be pretty angry with me. Well, not angry. Just disappointed.
Wednesday, May 18, 2005
He was very cavalier as he said this last bit, as if he were exaggerating to indicate the fact that he is never around anymore. Like if someone asked "Where has Tom been, he never parties anymore" and I reply "Yeah, well he's been really depressed about never having sex again, and he has a lot of computers to fix,"
and I think I got side-tracked here, but you get my drift anyway. So I'm about to chuckle here, and then I realize that Noah was actually the oldest guy playing in the game. He must have been 65 or 70. Could he have said it in that voice? Me: "Wait, like, really dead?" Him (consciously more sobered now): "Well, yeah, we think so. No one has been able to reach him for months."
Monday, May 16, 2005
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Sunday, May 15, 2005
On the way back to the hotel, we came across an elderly gentleman seated at a table with 2 chess boards and a sign that said: "Jude Acers, U.S. Chessmaster, $5/game." Since none of us had less than a $100 bill, I offered the least valuable thing I had on me, the deed to this blog.
He quickly accepted and the game was on. We (to clarify, we being Tom, al, Dan, Dan's assistant Rich, and Rich's assistant Jenevieve) soon found out that this was no ordinary bum. Rather, he was "The Man in the Red Beret".
Some highlights of the game and ensuing conversation:
* Multiple times, Jude cited the fact that he appears in the Guinness Book of World Records, presumably for the world's lowest number-of-homes-to-number-of-chess-victories ratio, which now bears his name.
* Jude was obsessed with the amazing ability of computers to teach even the slowest of learners the subtleties of the game. Take a hypothetical mental midget, say, any girl, for instance, Jenevieve. With careful study and extensive work, even Jenevieve could beat the most accomplished of chess prodigies, say, any man, how about Rich?
* Jude also predicted that chess had nowhere to go but up. Soon, online chess would easily eclipse online poker in both popularity and profitability, and would one day even challenge the silver tuna of online skill games, Literati. Jude was hazy on the logistics of all this happening, but there was one thing he knew for sure: "I think it will be Google. Yeah, Google. Yeah, I think it will be Google." When I asked "What about Yahoo, or MSN, I mean they already have networks built--," he cut me off abruptly: "Google. Definitely Google."
* Dan, Tom, and Dan's assistant were able to read the newspaper clippings taped to Jude's table. Two points of note here. In the general biographical article, we learned that Jude, after being orphaned at 6, "lived like a wolf on the streets--a chess-playing wolf." In another article, we learned that Jude, once played 24 prisoners simultaneously, only to lose to a convicted murderer. "I attacked him where it hurt the most," the winner explained. So it turns out that his strengths as a murderer were also his strengths as a chess player. Fun fact: to add insult to injury, the murderer's victim was Jude's mother, Gertrude.
* Don't get me wrong: while Jude was slightly (read: fucking) insane, when it came to chess, as far as I could tell he had the goods. However, he was a bit arrogant. After it was clear I was going to lose, I made a slightly sub-optimal move. Jude exploded. "Wow, I never imagined in my wildest dreams any one playing Kg2 there. That shows you have imagination. Wow, Kg2. Imagination, that's great, kid. Anyway, checkmate."
* While the Jude experience was humbling, it gave us a great idea. Later that day, Tom and I were set up on Bourbon St. with the following sign: "U.S. Taboomasters, $5/game, Accepting all Challengers". A quote from later that day:
Tom (to street urchin): "The Three ______" as a clue for "ninja"? Wow kid, you got imagination. Checkmate.
al and Jude going at it.
Friday, May 13, 2005
After mixed results, we moved over to Harrah's Casino. When Al sucked out on a kid, the kid walked away, then walked past the table again to say, "Nice hand, you fucking kike." We laughed heartily, but the Jewish man sitting next to us insisted that the kid didn't say "kike," because if he did, he "would have done something about it." Then the following occurred:
Jewish Man: Here in the South, we're Jew-billies. What does a Jew-billy father do with his son on the weekend? Go gefilte-fishing.
Me, Tom, Al: Good one, man.
(instantly) Jewish Man: What does a Jew-billy have on his front lawn? A Lexus on cement blocks.
Me, Tom, Al: Nice.
Jewish Man: What porno does a Jew-billy watch? Schindler's Fist.
Tom: Well, that's not really related to him being from the South, but well done anyway.
Jewish Man (not responding to Tom's point): What's a Jew-billy's favorite...
This went on for easily 15 minutes. I imagine him sitting at the table 24 hours a day, waiting for the perfect moment to bust out his repertoire of Jew-billy jokes. We joined in on the one liner fun, but even when the jokes changed subject, we felt the need to keep him interested in the conversation, so jokes like this would be told:
Al: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Kick the bitch
Tom: And she's Jewish.
At one point the following went down:
Jewish Man: What's the difference between a Jewish woman and a vulture?
Tom (taking a stab at it by guessing the punchline to another jewish joke he had once heard): A vulture lets go?
This was actually the incorrect answer to the Jewish man's query (he was looking for "a vulture waits till you're dead to eat your heart out") but it sparked a discussion on how "____ lets go" could finish any jewish joke. We were joking obviously, but the jewish man was serious and impressed with our ability to come up with so many hilarious jokes without memorizing them hours in advance. One sample joke:
Dan: Why do Jewish people watch pornos in reverse?
Dan: They don't let go!
This particular joke amazed the Jewish man to no end: "It takes talent to come up with a joke with just the punchline!" The interesting thing about this, of course, was that even though my joke obviously made no sense in and of itself, the guy seemed to be unaware of this and presumably saw some connection between not letting go and watching porno in reverse. As a result, the joke between us became that this fucking kike was also a fucking idiot.
The Jewish man moved the main game, but soon enough a group of boisterous, tattooed, long-haired guys sat down at the table. Slightly tired, I inexplicably decided to try to bust the chops of the coolest man I've ever seen.
Dan (to Swingers-era Vince Vaughn): So, are you guys in a rock band, or.....?
Coolest Man in the world (instantly, without looking up): (to Tom, Al, me) What, are you guys in a frat? (to me, in a polo shirt) Why don't you unbutton that top button, loosen up, stay awhile.
I later learned that his name was Jack and he owned a bar. Sounds about right. I have never felt lamer in my life.
Thursday, May 12, 2005
I'm about to get on the plane to go to New Orleans, I've JUST made it to the gate on time so I figure I'll get some fresh-made sushi for the flight as a reward. I order a california roll and a spicy tuna roll, and Al and Tom order Rainbow rolls. Keep in mind we have under 15 minutes until boarding ends, but we figure the sushi will be made quickly. What we didn't take into account was that we were dealing with a true artiste, a sushi chef extraordinaire who needed to do everything just right, and as slowly as possible. I say to him and the cashier, "we're in a big hurry." He methodically wipes his knife off. He washes his hands. Tick tick tick. He
Friday, May 06, 2005
“In poker today, Phil Ivey was arrested by environmental police for flopping in the river. Reports indicated that he called Chris Moneymaker to bust him out, but Chris was detained by a pocket rocket coming over a Queen.”
On that thread, there was some discussion as to who "boolaboola" is. To answer your question, drum roll please...
("Ace Speaks" is fine for my poker thoughts, but I need another outlet for my musings on other subjects)
Wednesday, May 04, 2005
I checked the referrals and the link on Wikipedia and Google searches are yielding a shocking number of hits. Who is out there Googling Delino DeShields, let alone looking him up in the encyclopedia? Though I did learn that Delino is very knowledgeable about the history of black baseball players.
On an unrelated note, I've been getting an increasing number of Canadian coins (mostly pennies and quarters) given to me as change for American dollars. This puts me in a really awkward position as I try to pass them on to other merchants. I feel like I'm a CIA agent or something. Usually, I bury the Canadian coin under some American ones or give the money and leave really quickly. A real baller though would try to pay for some Ivy Noodle with this no-longer-valid Iraqi Dinar note:
Ivy Noodle Lady: This not dolla.
Baller: Yes it is, it's a ten.
Ivy Noodle Lady: This have Saddam Hussein picture.
Baller: Oh no, you're mistaken. That's former Supreme Court Justice Thurgood Marshall. Did you know he was the first African-American on SCOTUS?
Ivy Noodle Lady: Well, I don't know America History very good. I accept bill, but you betta not sit in middle of six-person table. What if another party show up?!?!? SIT AT COUNTER!
Baller: Forget it, I'm going next door to get a quesadilla from Bulldog Burrito **
In other news today, President Bush recently gave a very funny speech to the National Press Club. It's true. Cameras were not let in, but our sources tell us that the best-received punchline of the night was "my record on education spending." Thank you folks, you've been a great audience.
** For you Delino fans out there, this is the first use of a link to a humorous picture that is not really what the text says in the history of this blog. Some scholars say that this practice began with Actual God, though others argue that the story is apocryphal. Still others argue that the story of the story being apocryphal is apocryphal itself. This is an exciting area of research, if anyone's looking for a paper topic! But don't go on termpapers.com and plagiarize their essay on the topic, Hypertext Hijinx: Blogs, Links, and the Marginalization of Native Americans in Mainstream Hollywood Cinema.
Monday, May 02, 2005
Actually, I am left wondering why the article's author Danny Habib focused so heavily on me, since I am one of the better players at the Trumbull table (in my opinion at least) but not the best. I think it may have had something to do with my constant talking to Habib and begging to be in the article. In any case, my first thought was how millions of kids out there dream of being pictured in S.I. and spend their whole childhoods working to get in there, and yet I don't even work that hard on my poker game. This really fits into my notion of the world, which is that I deserve everything without having to work for it.
For the photo, I plan on wearing sunglasses and a backwards hat, as is the requisite attire for young poker studs. The article may feature the address of delinodeshields as well, which would be like hitting for the cycle, for you sports fanatics out there. Though I wonder what random readers would think of the blog- "Bulldog Burrito? Back to the Future commentary?" I think I may just sell out...
My next post: I saw an old lady leaving a porn store with a vibrator. It looked like a penis! Ca ca. Doo doo.
Get upstairs. Brought econometrics textbook with me. Final in 2 days. Trying to read while eating, but fucking douchebag debate/theater/something kid is reading some speech to some girl who looks mildly interested. What odds would I set on the kid being gay? 2-1? What about a parlay on kid gay and girl lesbian? 15-1? Now have attempted to read the same sentence from textbook 5 times. Fuck.
Beverage: Nantucket Nectars OJ. Happen to look under cap. It says "Houses on Nantucket are routinely moved to other sites on the island." Puzzled. Could it say this same thing under every cap? Is this an homage to Snapple, with only Nantucket-related facts? How many facts about Nantucket could there be? I guess it stands to reason. Snapple is made from the best stuff on Earth, so they got the planet covered, fact-wise. The people at NN are realists. No Earth claims, but Nantucket, boy, they fucking know Nantucket. Still, the whole point of the Snapple thing is that there is some hope of someone being at least a little bit interested in one of the facts. No real fact about Nantucket could ever possibly be interesting. If they were going to do this, they should at least make facts up. "Limericks are actually outlawed in Nantucket," or "Nantucket, contrary to popular belief, does not actually exist".
OK, back to textbook. One more shot. Hmm: "As a second example, consider the problem of estimating the causal effect of skipping classes on final exam score." I've only been to this class once all semester and that was to take the midterm. I wonder what the model would predict my exam score will be. GET OUT OF MY HEAD JEFFREY M. WOOLDRIDGE.
Walking back home. Shit, light about to turn. Run across! Wait, the walk sign just came on. I ran for no reason. Did anyone notice? Does anyone else feel stupid when they fuck this up?
Type up blog post. Do I say fuck too much? Eh, similar to ketchup packet situation. Not worth spending time thinking about it. Just grab a big fucking handful of them next time, you fat fat fat fat fat
Sunday, May 01, 2005
Above is Laura Bush telling my story about farting in class at the White House Correspondents' Association dinner to a rapturous audience of President Bush and Some Other Guy. On the one hand, I'm flattered that Laura reads delinodeshields. On the other hand, I'm pissed that she didn't give a shout-out or even footnote it (Berger, Daniel and Congdon, Jason. DelinoDeshields.Blogspot.com: New Perspectives on Bulldog Burrito and other Short Stories. Cambridge: Harvard University Press, 2005.) I will have to talk to my peripheral acquaintance Barbara about this matter.
Which one of these facts is not true about Crispin Glover, who played George McFly in Back To The Future?
(A) Crispin refused to be a part of the BTTF sequels. In response, the movie-makers re-used footage of him from the first film along with another actor in prosthetics and heavy make up to create the impression that Crispin was in the movie. The other actor, Jeffrey Weisman, whose credits include a guest spot on "Saved By the Bell" as Screech's Guru in episode: "Rockumentary", was instructed to essentially do his best Crispin Glover impression. Crispin then successfully sued the producers, who included "Hook" director Steven Spielberg.
(B) In July 1987, Crispin appeared on the David Letterman show in a wig and big platform shoes. In a bizarre turn of events, a possibly drug-altered Glover offered to arm wrestle Letterman, before standing up, proclaiming "I can kick" and delivering a high kick inches from Letterman's face. The interview ended seconds thereafter.
(C) In 1989, Crispin released a music and spoken word album entitled "Big Problem Does Not Equal the Solution. The Solution = Let It Be." Featured on this album is a song called "Clowny Clown Clown"--Glover starred in its music video. The following lyrics are uttered over demented circus music:
I was walking on the ground/I didn't make a sound/And I turned around/I saw a clown/Clown, Clown/Clowny Clown clown/I hate you clown/With your ugly frown/Smiley lips/Think I'll clip you across the nose, clown/Want this cigar?
The album also featured a cover of Nancy Sinatra's "These Boots Are Made for Walking".
(D) Glover wrote, directed, produced, edited, and did the cinematography for a film called "What is It?" in which almost all of the characters are played by actors with Down's Syndrome. Selected character names from the IMDB listing of the film: "Outer Sanctum Mocking tormentor and walkie-talkie grabbing woman that cries later", "The minstrel's concubine, mocking tormentor and ultimate outer sanctum victor", "Inner sanctum concubine and outer sanctum girl who recognizes burning". Glover's character is "Dueling Demi-God Auteur and The young man's inner psyche".
(E) This guy is not absolutely fucking nuts.
Here's some video evidence.