Wednesday, May 25, 2005

Delino SCOOP: Leno's Testimony in Jackson Case

This just in! Yesterday, Tonight Show Host Jay Leno testified in the child molestation trial of pop superstar Michael Jackson. No reporters were allowed in the courtroom, but we here at Delino had an inside source who gave us some of the transcript. Let's take a look--

Santa Barbara County District Attorney Thomas Sneddon: Now Mr. Leno, since you spoke with the accuser on several occasions, you are in a unique position to judge his character. Do you feel that his accusations against Michael Jackson are true?

Jay Leno: A lot of people were wondering recently what inspired Janet Jackson to expose herself at the Super Bowl to millions of young men. Well, we here at The Tonight Show went through some of Janet's old press clippings and we think we found the answer. In a 1983 interview with JET magazine, Janet proclaimed, "My brother Michael is my role model." (waving to people in courtroom and chuckling)

D.A. Sneddon: So, you're saying you believe the boy's claim that Jackson molested him?

Leno: What else. Oh, I read this in the paper today. Apparently Santa Barbara County Juvenile Court is looking to hire a new bailiff. It’s true. The responsibilities include patting down young boys and conducting strip searches of young boys. (pause) Sources tell us that the first applicant on the list is Michael... Jackson- yes, yes. (claps his hands together). Hey Kev, he must have signed up when he was down there for his trial. [to Kevin Eubanks, who is not in the courtroom]

D.A. Sneddon: OK... I guess that means you believe the boy's claim that Mr. Jackson sexually abused him. The Prosecution rests, I suppose.

defense attorney Tom Mesereau: Mr. Leno, you're confirming all of these claims about my client Mr. Jackson, but what about the accuser and his family. That's why you were called here in the first place. Isn't it true that the accuser and his family are gold-diggers who repeatedly called you asking for money?

Leno: The family of Michael Jackson's accuser is looking for a financial adviser. Did you hear about this? Family friends have suggested some of the bigger firms-- Merrill Lynch, JP Morgan Chase, Citibank. But the accuser's family instead went with the unorthodox choice of... Anna Nicole Smith. (no laughter from courtroom) Come on.

Mesereau: You mean that the accuser's family would choose Anna Nicole Smith because she too is a gold-digger?

Leno: Some news in the Michael Jackson case. New testimony reveals that African-American comedian Chris Tucker once bought the accuser one those My Buddy dolls. Yes, the accuser then proceeded to take all of the money out of the doll's pockets and tell his mommy that the doll was molesting him. (one laugh from stenographer) (Leno waves her off) Thank you, folks.

Mesereau: Umm, I think that proved my point about the accuser and his family being money-grubbing gold-diggers. The Defense rests.

Judge Rodney Melville: Mr. Leno, you have not responded directly to any of the prosecution's or the defense's questions. But from what I can glean from your monologues, you seem to agree with the claims of both the prosecution and the defense. You are a joke-machine, a cipher. You don't stand for anything.

Leno: It seems that Judge Rodney Melville... (Leno breaks down and bawls) Oh it's true! I JUST WANNA BE LIKED!!!!!



Finnegan said...

The Leno facade is going to crack under pressure? That's just fanciful.

Nostradamus said...

Don't listen to Finnegan, he's just trying to get back at you for all of your brilliantly sarcastic comments on FW... While we're talking about Leno, let me put in another plug for my boy Kevin. Kevin Eubanks is the nastiest guitar player of all time (think Hendrix with ten times the tecnique) and if you don't believe me I defy you to produce something better than Kev's playing on Dave Holland's "Extensions".